Some computer jokes from All Over:
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Received from Cathy Gilstrap from The Good, Clean Funnies List
For Bill Gates fans...one person's version of his afterlife
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Gates.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what you think" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has an opening in it and the girl hasn't!"
"What about the PC?"
"It has Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt, and Delete"
"To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer."
- Farmers' Almanac, 1978
MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING!
~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
~ To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.
~ He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
~ If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.
~ A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
~ The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
~ A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
~ When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
~ When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
~ The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
~ When the going gets tough, upgrade.
~ When you need to send an email quick, that's when the modem won't connect!
Received from Laugh-A-Lot! from The Good, Clean
Funnies List
You know you have computer NERD tendencies when...
Your web page is more popular than you.
Your favorite sport is Tetris.
You know what fuzzy logic is.
You talk to your computer.
You argue with your computer.
Your computer has its own phone line.
You have dreams involving your computer.
You spend Friday nights with your computer.
You've never actually met many of your friends.
You remember how to use DOS.
You think Bill Gates is "a cool guy."
Only computer users can understand you.
Your home page is longer than your resume.
You've ever installed Linux.
You've missed the X-Files because you wanted to play on your computer.
You always understand Dilbert.
You regularly drink Jolt cola.
You spend more time on the Internet than you do sleeping.
You have multiple email addresses.
You've ever setup a LAN in your house.
You understood the above statement.
You search the Internet for computer humor.
Your idea of hurrying is typing faster.
You keep spare mouse pads.
You buy your computer gifts.
You've ever been dumped for paying too much attention to your computer.
Someone mentions foreign language and you think "Cobol".
You regularly use a tape backup on files you have the original disks for.
You get a new computer, take it out of the box, and you immediately remove the case.
You have ever called home to check on your computer.
You do processes in DOS instead of Windows not because it is faster, but because it just confuses people.
You've ever considered getting a tattoo of the "Intel Inside" logo.
You have a pet name for your computer, but not one for your penis.
You know every law about computer piracy by heart, because you've been convicted on all of them.
You no longer interact with your family, you send them email instead...in the same house.
You check your email before you check your answering machine.
You can program the next best thing to Windows, but you still can't get your VCR to stop flashing.
You have more insurance on your computer than on your children.
You receive more chat requests than phone calls.
You stopped paying for call waiting because it kept knocking you off-line.
You don't immediately go into gibbering panic when you hear of new computer virus.
You've ever emailed your assignment in to your professor.
You've ever tried to see how far you can move the mouse without turning off the screen saver.
You have dialed 911 and faxed them your problem.
You call in sick to work over your computer.
Your first aid kit contains Norton's Anti-Virus.
You know what the acronyms HTML, URL, ISP, and HTTP each stand for.
You tinker with computers at work all day, and when you finally get off work, you rush home to tinker with your computer.
You dedicate your home page to your favorite actress in hopes that she will see it and desire to meet you.
You have more than one home page.
The closest you ever come to having sex is downloading nude pictures off of the Internet.
You have a better computer system at home than at work.
You get jealous when other people use your computer.
You run back into your burning home to rescue your computer, but you leave the dog.
You know exactly how much hard drive space you have free, but you don't know your spouse's birthday.
You run Windows 95 and Windows 3.1 just because you can.
You have the high score on Jezz Ball.
You know what word 31337 stands for.
You keep spare computer parts around the house.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW
A new acronym for web-designers and web-surfers:
What-You-See-Is-What-You-Might-Get-If-You're-Really-Really-Lucky-And-All-Goes-Well
Windows 2000 Error Messages
The following are new Windows 2000 error messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
16. User Error: Replace user.
17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
from "Just 4 Laughs!" list --- FREE Humor To Your E-mail!
4 e-mails per day, most every day. If you would like to receive, send an e-mail message <mailto:Subscribe-Just4Laughs@Ripple.Dundee.Net>
Jesus & Satan - Programmer's Contest
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with
God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type
furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning
strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is
restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to
show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when
the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display,
the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."
Two Digits for a Date
(Read to the tune of "Gilligan's Island," more or less)
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date.
Two digits for a date.
Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."
"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we rewrite before that
It all will go away.
It all will go away."
But Management had not a clue:
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."
Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to @#%&,
For zero's less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.
The mail won't bring your pension check
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.
The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.
[key change, big finish]
There's not much time,
There's too much code.
(And Cobol-coders, few)
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.
Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't then lamenting
Four digits for a date.
Four digits for a date.
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
25 interesting things you learn about computers in the movies.......
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Clint Fast, Fargo, North Dakota**
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such
governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells
that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply
typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply
typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they
do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the
villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen
changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it
doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate
the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just
underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, puff of
smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. (see #7,
above)
11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before
intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at
two gigabytes per second.
15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control
panels will explode, as will the entire building.
16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also
disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file-and there
are no undelete utilities.
17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a
password when you try to access it.
18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any
system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer
platforms.
19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However,
everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-
dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time
video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY- MP.
22. Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it
projects itself onto his/her face.
23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans
operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom
into any picture as far as you want to. For example: "What's that fuzzy thing
in the corner? I don't know, let's check. It's the murder weapon!"
From Data to Wisdom
Data are not facts.
Facts are not information.
Information is not knowledge.
Knowledge is not understanding.
Understanding is not truth.
Truth is not wisdom.
James Autry, a Fortune 500 businessman, poet, and writer
"Contraceptive98"
Well, with his ambitions being what they are, why should anyone be surprised that Bill Gates is branching out in other areas?
"Contraceptive98"
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.
Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.
The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).
A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.
OPERATION Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."
Windows Problem
I'm wondering if anybody can help me with a problem I'm having on my computer at work. I recently upgraded to Windows 95 from Windows 3.14159, and I've noticed that whenever I'm running WordWanker Version 2.0.9.4 (which I upgraded from 1.8.4.7) in conjunction with FaxBuddy! Version 4.2.4.3.7857, everything works fine for about the first 25 minutes but then if I try to type the passive pluperfect subjunctive form of the verb "procreate" (or any of its slang equivalents) the keyboard locks up permanently and the hard drive makes a whimpering sound and all current data is erased, including data in computers several cubicles away. I have tried everything, including reformatting my hard drive and exorcism. Please help!
REPLY TO: Windows Problem
I had exactly the same problem and after a lot of trial and error I found out that if you click on:
the Windows Control Panel,
then on Command Center,
then on Reset Variables,
then on Establish New Parameters,
then on Define Standards,
then on Modify Criteria,
then on Effectuate Paradigms,
then on the little icon labeled
"Do Not Ever Click On This Little Icon",
then go down to the box that says "Enter New Value",
and type in 2038,
You will still have the same problem. This is why my doctor tripled my Prozac dosage.
from "The Good, Clean Funnies List"
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
PS - don't try this at home.<<
And a reply:
1. I would tend to question the use of a #4 nodulizer for extrusion of the final reaction mixture. At that point, my preference would be to dispense empirically using a teaspoon.
2. The oven temperature is too low by 4 degrees. No sense in being imprecise.
3. One substitution that might appeal to some would be crushed walnuts in place of the peanuts, green peas, or mesquite beans.
4. I think it needs more vanilla.
From the "Just 4 Laughs!"
Rednecks and Computers
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Kathy Lydon, Chicago, IL**
Top 10 ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer:
10: The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric key pad only goes up to six.
5. The password is Bubba.
4. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
And the number one reason is:
The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
Rejected Hallmark Cards
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, MN
Your computer is dead
It was once so alive
Don't you regret installing
Windows '95?
Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
My tire was thumping
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire
I noticed your cat...Sorry.
You had your bladder removed
And you're on the mends
Here's a bouquet of flowers
And a box of Depends.
You've announced that you're gay
Won't that be a laugh
When they find out you're one
Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
So your daughter's a hooker
And it spoiled your day
Look at the bright side
She's a really good lay.
Heard your wife left you
How upset you must be
But don't fret about it
She moved in with me.
You totalled your car
And can't remember why
Could it have been
That case of Bud Dry?
TOP TEN REASONS AOL RAISED ITS RATES
Sure, AOL is a money machine. But even the online giant needs an extra boost to the bottom line once in a while. Here's why:
10. Pay off the settlement to Tim McVeigh
9. Severance for CompuServe employees
8. Need to raise money to buy Netscape
7. Steve Case is jealous of Larry Ellison's fighter jet
6. Have to pay the fee to the guys who creamed Bill Gates in Belgium
5. AOL programmers are all requesting "interns"
4. Need money to pay James Earl Jones to record a new version of "You've
got mail"
3. Hiring bouncers for the chat rooms
2. El Nino
1. Because they can
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
PROGRAM TECH SUPPORT-PLEASE HELP!
Dear Tech support,
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run GirlFriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I have to run them separately. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0, so I upgraded. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while - until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 had a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which resulted in the immediate removal of both versions!
The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog." It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Also, though he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete all of your MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources.
Please Mr. Tech Support person, help me to untangle the mess that I'm in. Or, if you happen to be female, are you free for dinner?
COMPUTER SAYINGS
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.
25. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
The Beatles Updated "Yesterday"
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
====================================
Eleanor Rigby
-------------
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
====================================
Unix Man
--------
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody.
===================================
Write in C ("Let it Be")
------------------------
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
==========================
Something
---------
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
A server that works.
I found this posted to a newsgroup that was complaining about the Microsoft "msnews" news server which, no surprize, uses Windows NT. Because of the continued problems with these servers, the admins have been referred to as modern day Keystone Kops among other things:
Anybody remember that Joplin classic, "Mercedes Benz"?
Oh Lord won't you buy me a server that works?
My friends all use Unix, no servers with burps.
My servers work half-time, a truckload of quirks,
So Lord won't you by me a server that works?
Oh Lord won't you buy me some new admin clowns?
The current ones cause me deep ungainly frowns.
Prove that you love me and put them all down,
Oh Lord won't you buy me some new admin clowns?
Oh Lord won't you buy them a beginners' course?
I'd like to stop cursing before I am all hoarse.
They need to Get It, if need be by force,
Oh Lord won't you buy them a beginners' course?
[Everybody!]
Oh Lord won't you buy me a server that works?
My friends all use Unix, no servers with burps.
My servers work half-time, a truckload of quirks,
So Lord won't you by me a server that works?
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Safe E-mail Q & A?
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe E-MAIL?
A. Although married people E-MAIL quite often, there are many single people who E-MAIL to complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents say they never had E-MAIL when they were young and were only allowed to write their memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they can E-MAIL?
A. E-MAILing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedures.
Q. If I E-MAIL something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go to pay to E-MAIL, is this legal?
A. Yes! Many people have no other outlet for their E-MAIL drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to E-MAIL becomes too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for E-MAILing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are E-MAILing to, a cover should be used to insure safe E-MAIL.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I E-MAIL prematurely?
A. Don't panic, many people prematurely E-MAIL when they haven't E-MAILed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business E-MAIL, can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-E-MAILual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
The Top 16 Signs You're Hopelessly Geeky
16. Your screen saver: "Deep Blue Kicks Ass!"
15. You spend hours prioritizing your list of questions you'd like to ask Commander Data if you ever meet him in person.
14. At the local Radio Shack, you're greeted like Norm at Cheers.
13. You're the head A/V technician on a space ship behind Hale-Bopp.
12. You receive a grant from the International Plaid Foundation.
11. You're 42 years old and you use the word "Wookie" at least a dozen times a day.
10. Slim Jims and Ding Dongs form the base of your nutrition pyramid.
9. Seven years, $60 million, and your new high-tech house still ain't done.
8. You have electrical tape holding your contact lenses together.
7. You prefer to be thought of as an "artist who works in the medium of ASCII."
6. Discussions with your friends about the properties of dilithium crystals routinely lead to fistfights.
5. Your favorite Marx Brother? Zeppo.
4. You're not geeky at all, and neither are your kids: McCoy, Sulu, Uhura, and Scotty.
3. Your first and only attempt at foreplay ended abruptly when your own bow tie gave you a wedgie.
2. You *ask* your mom to buy you Toughskins.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Hopelessly Geeky...
1. You know how to say, "I can't go swimming -- I've eaten less than 2 hours ago." in 5 languages.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
Ten Ways to Tell It's a Redneck's Computer
1. The monitor is up on blocks.
2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
3. The six front keys have rotted out.
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
5. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. The password is "Bubba".
8. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
9. The keyboard's camoflaged.
10. The varmint (mouse) has buckshot holes.
How to tell which programming language you're using.
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.
370 JCL
You send your foot down to NIS with a 4000-page document explaining how
you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Ada
After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the
gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you
try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.
APL
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do
it in fewer characters.
Assembly
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first
reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.
BASIC
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue
until entire lower body is waterlogged.
C
You shoot yourself in the font.
C++
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all
in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since
you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at
others and saying, "That's me, over there."
COBOL
Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIN gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.
HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return
HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
Concurrent Euclid
You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
FORTH
Foot in yourself shoot.
FORTRAN
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes,
then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you
continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.
Hypertalk
Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you.
Answer the result.
LISP
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ...
Modula2
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this
language, you shoot yourself in the head.
Motif
You spend days writing a UlL description of your foot, the trajectory,
the bullet, and the intricate scroliwork on the ivory handles of the gun.
When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Paradox
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
Pascal
The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Prolog
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program
figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.
Revelation
You'll shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all
the bullets are for.
SNOBOL
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.
If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
Unix
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
Visual Basic
You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it
that you won't care.
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Software Engineering Glossary of Computer Product Terminology
NEW: Different colors from previous version.
ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.
NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.
UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.
The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Ice Cream Troubles
For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts ...
A complaint was received by a major car manufacturer:
"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new car and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about your car that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever get any other kind?'"
The President of the car company was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway.
He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.
The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.
Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.
In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.
Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.
Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.
Moral of the story: even insane looking problems are sometimes real.
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Billy's Mom's Letters
The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:
Dear Mr. Dvorak:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.
Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spellchecked too.
Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.
Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, William.
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, William.
Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.
See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.
Sally Gates,
Concerned Parent
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
IT'S TIME TO TURN YOUR COMPUTER OFF & READ A BOOK WHEN?..
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Stephen Gregory, Overland Park, Kansas, from his new home!**
1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.
3. You turn off our modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the airplane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your four year old child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for and additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing 'com' after every period when using a word processor.com
9. You can't call your mother-she doesn't have a modem.
10. You check your mail. It says 'no new messages'. So you check it again.
11. You don't what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
12 You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.
13. You tell the cab driver you live at---http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
15. After reading this message, you immediately mail it to a friend!
Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in Haiku...they would read like these:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but endless others exist
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen
dies so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
is not the true Tao, until
you bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working
'Windows' is like that.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.
Rather than a beep
or a rude error message,
these words: "File not found."
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU BOUGHT THE WRONG COMPUTER
The biggest fear of any computer user is that you just blew several grand on a clunker that's not even fit for a boat anchor. Try these dead giveaways on for size:
10. The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube.
9. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers.
8. The infrared cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them is marked Fast Forward.
7. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on street corners.
6. The sound board and speakers are a separate unit, and they receive only AM.
5. The ad slogan: Ronald McDonald just grew up.
4. It has only two expansion slots, and they just popped up a couple of rounds of toast.
3. It's labeled "energy saving" only because there's no power supply.
2. You just got another one with your Happy Meal.
1. The sticker reads "nothing of value inside."
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
You might be a High Tech Redneck if.....
1.Your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com."
2.You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."
3.If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop."
4.Your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
5.You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
6.Your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT."
7.Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
8.Your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her.
9.You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
10.You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."
11.Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
12.You start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all."
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list FREE Humor To Your E-mail!
Top 25 Explanations by Programmers when their programs don't work:
1. Strange...
2. I've never heard about that.
3. It did work yesterday.
4. Well, the program needs some fixing.
5. How is this possible?
6. The machine seems to be broken.
7. Has the operating system been updated?
8. The user has made an error again.
9. There is something wrong in your test data.
10. I have not touched that module!
11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
12. You must have the wrong executable.
13. Oh, it's just a feature.
14. I'm almost ready.
15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
16. It will be done in no time at all.
17. It's just some unlucky coincidense.
18. I can't test everything!
19. THIS can't do THAT.
20. Didn't I fix it already?
21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.
22. It works, but it's not been tested.
23. Somebody must have changed my code.
24. There must be a virus in the application software.
25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Top Ten Signs You Might Be A SysAdmin
-- by Jonathan Kalbfeld
10. You see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea it is referring to drugs.
9. Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl.
8. You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually finished college.
7. You have enough computing power in your house or apartment to render obscene pictures of upper management people.
6. Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion.
5. The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation.
4. The last time you kissed someone was in high school.
3. "What? No raise? No Backups, then!"
2. You have a vanity plate on your car that names part of the Unix File System.
And the number one sign you might be a SysAdmin...
1. You have ever uttered the phrase "I will be working from home today so I can avoid wearing pants."
Software version explanations
Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.
1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.
1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs ...
1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.
2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.
2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we werefixing these bugs.
2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!
2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since
1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!
3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.
3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things.
4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...
4.1: Just one or two bugs this time... Honest!
5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.
6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.
6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added somecute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made.
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list FREE Humor To Your E-mail!
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