Note: These are L-O-N-G files with lots of jokes and stuff. Hit "back" to escape or print them if you dare!

Really interesting thing to say:

Tony Graziani, filling in for injured Atlanta Falcon's quarterback Chris Chandler and after being removed with a concussion in an October 3 football game:

"It's really frustrating. I'm going to get a CAT scan to see if there is any damage to (my) brain. Hopefully, I'll be able to get back out there."

(And hopefully not have any brain damage, one might hope! But nobody ever said that these athletes are not focused!)


Great Imponderables!

1. When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

2. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

3. Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

4. Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?

5. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

6. If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

7. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

8. Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

9. When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?

10. If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

11. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

12. Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

13. If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

14. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

15. Why is there always one in every crowd?

16. If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

17. Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

18. Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?

19. Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?

20. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? Just 4 Laughs!


Red Lights

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Tom Berglind, Fargo, North Dakota**

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"




On Learning Through Action

**From Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, MN**

Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled, "Mick, I've lost me finger!"

"Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?"

Pat replied, "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like thi...damn! There goes another one!"


The Blind Men and the Elephant

They sense incompletely and do not know it. They mistake the part for the whole. They can not integrate reports of other parts. They can only "see" in terms of their past experience. The elephant exists independent of their conclusions.


Procrastinator's Creed

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized. Just 4 Laughs!


The Paradox:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've split the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.





Political Correctness

Some excerpts from the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE).

A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential."

The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshhold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive.

A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.

At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.

After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him.

The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." The list of ingredients, however, includes "cooked noodle product."

The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school graduation.

Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."

According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.

Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.

It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono- logically experienced citizens."

According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." Just 4 Laughs!


Salute to the People of Minnesota

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for 6 days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the 7th day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, see what I've made?"

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and asked, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I am going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I have placed a continent of white people and over there, a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot and arid, while this one will be bitterly cold and covered with ice," God explained.

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a place..."What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Minnesota, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite shoreline along the Great Lakes. The people from Minnesota are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous. They are going to travel the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working, and high achieving, and they will be known around the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I am also going to give them an undefeatable football team who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about Balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"

God replied, "Wait 'til you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them in Wisconsin!"

***Swenny is enroute between Mexico City and St. Cloud, Minnesota**






The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot.

They not only expected you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop." Just 4 Laughs!




Twisted Sayings

Dyslexics have more fnu

Clones are people, two

Entropy isn't what it used to be

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses

Eschew obfuscation

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Editing is a rewording activity

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure

My reality check just bounced

Rap is to music, what Etch-a-Sketch is to art

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!

IRS - Be audit you can be


Just 4 Laughs!


On Men and Women and Thinking

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Merrie Kippur, Denver, Colorado, via Karen Isaak, Denver, Colorado**

A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.

Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don't know, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else????


His story:

Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some action though.


Men Are Like

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota**

Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like.....Coffee The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Computers Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like.....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will last.

Men are like.....Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest

Men are like......Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.


How to impress a woman:

Compliment her. Cuddle her. Kiss her. Caress her. Love her. Stroke her. Tease her. Comfort her. Protect her. Hug her. Hold her. Spend money on her. Wine & Dine her. Buy things for her. Listen to her. Care for her. Stand by her. Support her. Go to the ends of the earth for her.


How to impress a man:

Show up naked. With beer.




On Business: **Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Troy Schrupp, Anoka, MN**

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," the barkeep replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."




Is Y2K REALLY all that Scary?

Y-Zero-K, Y1K, Y2K.... Is it *really* a big deal?

On January 1, 2,000; It will be Jewish year 5,760. Chinese year 4,697 will bring the year of the dragon. In Islamic countries, it will be 1,421.

And among Zoroastrians, it will be year 2,390.

The Christians and the Nerds are the only ones predicting much difficulty. Thge Christians base it on The Bible, not noted for being a particularly scientific text, and the Nerds base it on the attitude prevalent in the 60s and 70s that the year 2000 is far-out. Let's save two digits, and thus causing a multi-billion dollar paniced programming problem.

What do The Bible and the Christians predict of the Nerds?


Filthy Bumper Stickers

1. Constipated people don't give a shit. 2. Practice safe sex, go f.... yourself. 3. If you drink, don't park...accidents cause people. 4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut. 6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point. 7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better. 8. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant. 9. Thank you for pot smoking. 10. To all you virgins...thanks for nothing. 11. If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling. 12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings". 13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer. 14. Horn for finger. 15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger. 16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.


"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"

"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"


"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"


"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"

"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on."


"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."


"The trouble with life is there's no background music."

"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."


"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."

"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."




A collection of words to live by

1. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

2. Some days, you're the dog, and some days, you're the hydrant.

3. Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.

4. It's not the pace of life that should concern you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

5. There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.

6. People who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

7. The problem with pessimists is that they are right too much.

8. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

9. Intelligence is like a river: the deeper it is, the less noise it makes.

10. Eat right. Exercise. Die anyway.

11. He who laughs last thinks slowest!!

12. Teamwork is essential: in times of war, it gives the enemy more people to shoot at.

13. A conclusion is a place where you go when you get tired of thinking.

14. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

15. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

16. If it is stupid and it works, it isn't stupid.

17. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

18. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

19. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

20. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

21. A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.

22. Don't sweat the petty things....and don't pet the sweaty things.

23. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

24. He who dies with the most toys....still dies.

25. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

26. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

27. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

28. Black holes are where God divided by zero.

29. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

30 If everything seems to be going well, then you have obviously overlooked something.

31. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

32. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

33. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

34. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

35. Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them.

36. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one that you have never tried before.

37. Always take time to stop and smell the roses, and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

38. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

39. If we could get everyone in the world to close their eyes and envision world peace for an hour, imagine how calm it would be before the looting started.

40. Once, I cried for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes.

41. Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

42. Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

43. Set aside a few minutes each day for yourself. By the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

44. As people get older, they begin to read the Bible a lot more. They're cramming for finals.

45. Follow your dream, unless it's that one where you are at school or work in your underwear.

46. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

47. 42.7 percent of statistics are made up on the spot.

48. Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer but wish we didn't.

49. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

50. Life: Nobody gets out alive.


A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens... On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked... Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom...


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"


When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house... "Is that your grandmother?" I asked... "Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."


When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his Mom asked... "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."


This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup... She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"


In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."


A Good Night's Sleep By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,' ...and he sat up all night watching me." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Your Ticket Please!" An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jetway, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself. "I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket, not your stub." =============================================================

The Princess Once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously gay male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one." Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Three older gentlemen were discussing the trials of aging. One said, "You know, sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second old guy chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third oldster responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, 'knock on wood'," rapping his knuckles on the table. He then stood up and said, "That must be the door. I'll get it." *************************************************************************

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them all in the trash". The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms." "Oh my" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them" she replied. The third nun said, "Oh shit."




Single Woman's Prayer -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Now I lay me down to sleep. Please don't send me no more creeps. Please just send me one good man. One without a wedding band.

One good man who's sweet as pie. Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie. Who dresses neat and doesn't smell. And is sexy like my man Denzel. Is super-rich like Michael J. On second thought, that's okay.

Man, if I should die before I wake, that would truly take the cake; No matrimony or honeymoon. No fancy reception planned for June. No throwing of the wedding bouquet. Please, God, don't let me go out that way. If I die before I meet Mr. Right I won't go out without a fight. But then again with my luck, He'd probably be just some schmuck.

The single life is not that bad I know it's just a passing fad. I won't be blue. I will not frown. Besides, I like my toilet seat down. No more makeup, won't comb my hair. So never mind this stupid prayer.

The single life will do just fine. So what's up, girlfriend? IT'S PARTY TIME!!!!


A Lighter look at Marriage

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lil Isaak, Bismarck, North Dakota, via Karen Isaak, Denver, Colorado**

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous woman of about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two better be good or you're history. Here's the equipment: chair, whip and gun. Who wants to try out first?" The woman volunteers to go first." She ignores the chair, whip and gun and steps immediately into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her legs and finally, purring, rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. "I've never seen a display like that in my life.!" he exclaims. He turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man thinks a moment and replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."





AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.



Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.



An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.



Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."



A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.



In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.



Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"




A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.



A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!"



In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.




That's My Story and I'm Sticking To It.........

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota**

Shortly after I got married, I was invited out for a night "with the boys." I told the wife that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3am, drunk as a skunk, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind-even when smashed-to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit', cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling."




Helpful Mom

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?

"No, this is 223-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?" Just 4 Laughs!



Little Old Lady

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park,



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/ Y \


A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat

food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the

check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat

food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to

eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your

cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back

to the store.

,,,, ---- .... \~~ \

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They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most

expensive dog cookies-one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time

demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat

dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.


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She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a

hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger

in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady

assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the

little old lady, "That smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy

three rolls of toilet paper?"

Never fool around with a Little old lady:



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Dear Dad & Dear Son:

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on

The Reply: ---------- Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad






Top 25 Country Music titles of all time:

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal

20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back in bed Cryin' Over You

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

8. Drop Kick Me Jesus, Through The Goal Posts of Life

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

4. If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me (Jimmy Buffett)

3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the number 1 Country and Western song of all time is:

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few


Why it's great to be a guy.

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. Wedding plans take care of themselves. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Foreplay is optional. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work... more pay. Wrinkles add character. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" One mood, all the time - horny.


Darla's Doctor's Visit

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"


It's the Law (not my comments!)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great state or what?)

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." (umm OK, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (..we have to presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law...?)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense... )

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (...a brick?????)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (wonder how they enforce that one??)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (now let's just think for a there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (the husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (of course!!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.(I shudder at the thought)




Cost Cutting




All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.



Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.



Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.



All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits. Just 4 Laughs!




"Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency.

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:

"Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."

"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."

"Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"

"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."

"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."

"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week."

"They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"

"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

"No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."

"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

"Yes, sir."

"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."

"You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."

"You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."

"No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"

"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."

"And where do they get this mulch?"

"They cut down trees and grind them up."

"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"

"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."

"Never mind I think I just heard the whole story." Received from Ramona F Crain.



* In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; Today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

* The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

* Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

* Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

* The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

* There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.

* An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

* Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

* Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

* Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

* There's no game like golf: You go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

* Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken






**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Curt Emanuel, Indiana, via Cindy Bigger, Alexandria, Minnesota**

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!"

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"





Cynics guide to life

1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of- the-fridge-is".

10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.



Grab a pencil and paper and keep track of your letter answers. Make sure you change the subject of the e-mail to your total.


1. When do you feel your best?

(a) In the morning

(b) During the afternoon and early evening

(c) Late at night


2. You usually walk

(a) fairly fast, with long steps

(b) fairly fast, but with short, quick steps

(c) less fast, head up, looking the world in the face

(d) less fast, head down

(e) very slowly


3. When talking to people, you

(a) stand with your arms folded

(b) have your hands clasped

(c) have one or both your hands on your hips

(d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking

(e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair


4. When relaxing, you sit with

(a) your knees bent and your legs neatly side by side

(b) your legs crossed

(c) your legs stretched out or straight

(d) with one leg curled under you


5. When something really amuses you, you react with:

(a) a big, appreciative laugh

(b) a laugh, but not a loud one

(c) a quiet chuckle

(e) a sheepish smile


6. When you go to a party or social gathering, you

(a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you

(b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know

(c) make quietest possible entrance and try to stay unnoticed


7. You are working hard, concentrating hard. You areinterrupted. You:

(a) welcome the break

(b) feel extremely irritated

(c) vary between these two extremes


8. Which of the following colors do you like most?

(a) red or orange

(b) black

(c) yellow or light blue

(d) green

(e) dark blue or purple

(f) white

(g) brown or gray


9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going

to sleep, you lie:

(a) stretched out on your back

(b) stretched out face down on your stomach

(c) on your side, slightly curled

(d) with your head on one arm

(e) with your head under the covers


10. You often dream that you are

(a) falling

(b) fighting or struggling

(c) searching for something or somebody

(d) flying or floating

(e) You usually have a dreamless sleep

(f) You're dreams are always pleasant.




1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6

2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 d) 2 (e) 1

3 (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6

4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1

5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2

6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2

7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4

8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1

9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1

10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1


Add the total number of points. OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You are seen as vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant. Others may admire you and wish they could be more like you, but they don't always trust you and hesitate to become too deeply involved with you.


FROM 51 TO 60 POINTS: Your friends see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, quick to make decisions (though not always the right ones). They see you as bold and venturesome, someone who will try an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

FROM 41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who is constantly the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to your head. They see you also as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who will cheer them up and help them out.


FROM 31 TO 40 POINTS: Other people see you as sensible, cautious, careful, and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or too easily, but someone who is extremely loyal to the friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize that it takes a lotto shake your trust in your friends, but, equally, that it takes you along time to get over it if that trust is broken.


FROM 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very, very cautious and extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every side and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction on your part is caused partly by your careful nature and partly by laziness.


UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs to be looked after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier, who sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only the people who know you well know that you aren't.





1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.

2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time

3. You get to eat insect food like snails and Frog legs.

4. If there's a war, you can surrender really early and hope that either the Americans or British will bail your ass out yet again.

5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 35.

6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.

7. Allow Nazis to march up and down your most famous street, humiliating your sense of national pride.

8. You curse the nations that liberated you, while kissing Nazi ass.

9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.

10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.



1. You can have a woman president without electing her.

2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.

3. You can call Budweiser beer.

4. You can be a crook and still be president.

5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.

6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.

7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.

8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy."

10. With very little effort you can annoy the French!



1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah, doo-dah.

2. Warm beer.

3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.

4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.

5. Union jack underpants.

6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.

7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.

8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.

9. Teeth will rot out of your head before age 20.

10. Your country is responsible for more brutal, senseless killings and military takeovers than any other nation in history.



1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.

2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.

3. No need to worry about tax returns.

4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d..

5. Can wear sunglasses inside.

6. Political stability.

7. Flexible working hours.

8. Live near the Pope.

9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.

10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.



1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.

2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.

3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.

4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.

5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.

6. Honesty.

7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.

8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.

9. Francisco Franco is still DEAD!

10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.



1. Steffi Graf









10. In-built sense of pacifism.



1. Chicken Vindalu.

2. Lamb Passanda.

3. Onion Bhaji.

4. Bombay Potatoe.

5. Chicken Tikka Masala.

6. Rogan Josh.

7. Popadoms.

8. Chisken Dopiaza.

9. Meat Boona.

10. Ghandi.



1. Guinness.

2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.

3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.

4. Pubs never close.

5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the Second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend you can't have sex with a condom on.

6. You've blown up the Queen's horses!

7. Old Bushmills.

8. Stew.

9. More Guineas.

10. Eating stew and drinking guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.



1. It beats being French!

2. Back bacon!

3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

4. Kids in the Hall, SCTV and most original Saturday Night Live alumni are fellow Canadians.

5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

7. Dudley Dooright - the Canadian Mountie.

8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in their skins.

9. Own-an-eskimo scheme.

10. Bob and Doug McKenzie!



1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard no civilized

nation on earth wanted.

2. Fosters Lager.

3. Dispossess Abbos who have lived in your country for 40,000 years

because you think it belongs to you.

4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.

5. Tact and sensitivity.

6. Bondi Beach.

7. Other beaches.

8. The weather.

9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.

10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.



I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.

I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips. A Man Did This To Me, Oprah (T-Shirt worn by a pregnant woman)

Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog. If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off. (T-Shirt on the back of a passing motorcyclist)


I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now. (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping. What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About. I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian On front of T-shirt: Yale Is Just One Big Party On the back: With a $25,000 Cover Charge. Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things are Just Better Rich. Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money. Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional IRS - Be Audit You Can Be. Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship. If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You. In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take by Living Here.



On Hotels and costs

Boudreaux and Marie took a little weekend getaway trip recently, and on checking out of the motel, Boudreaux was presented a bill for $400.00 for just two nights. Well, being the frugal individual Boudreaux is, he proceeded to cut loose on the desk clerk. "For why my bill is so high ? We wuz jus' here for two nights!"

The clerk advised him, "Well, sir, the motel has a health spa, exercise equipment, running track, and an Olympic size swimming pool."

Boudreaux told him, "But I didn't use none of dat stuff."

The clerk replied, "Maybe not, but it was available."

Well Boudreaux really had his mad up now, and told the guy, "Well if I got to pay dat, here's a bill for you for $350.00 for you sleeping wid my wife while we was here!"

The clerk told Boudreaux that he didn't sleep with his wife. Boudreaux screamed back at him, "Well, maybe not, but she was available!"





Yardleys Law of Unforeseen Consequences

Any action, no matter how noble the intentions behind it, sooner or later has unanticipated ramifications that are mischievous at best and disastrous at worst, and if that originating action is legislative or judicial, the potential for undesirable consequences increases exponentially.

In more common parlance:

"Things" Happen



On their way home after celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening. "Oh. it's not over yet", says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation, "But what are these two little pills?"

"Aspirin," says he.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.

"There you are, I told you the evening wasn't over yet!" says he.


Government Workers - Tax Dollars Hard at Work

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station. He stood by his car to drink a cola and noticed a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old.

The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can into a recycling container.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the government," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there are three of us: me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back.

Just because Rodney's sick, that shouldn’t mean that Mike and I can't work, right?"


The Generic Ethnic Joke

A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way! Just 4 Laughs!


Ten Professions Defined

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.


Arkansas Humor

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Paul Jerrard, Edina, Minnesota**

An Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "Bout what?" ************************************************************************ Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Arkansas State Lottery? A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. ************************************************************************ Q: Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to Arkansas? A: Everyone has the same DNA. ************************************************************************ Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down? A: Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. ************************************************************************ A new law recently passed in Arkansas: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister. ************************************************************************ Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas? A: I-40. ********************************************************************** Two Arkansasians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

" Jus' some chickens."

"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"

"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."

"OK, Ummmmmm . . . five?" ********************************************************************** Q: What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer. ********************************************************************* A: Arkansasian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Don't you still have those big red trucks?" ********************************************************************* Q: Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted. ********************************************************************* Q: What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the same room? A: A full set of teeth.


A Mercedes Weekend

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Liz Childers, somewhere near Dallas, Texas**

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.



The Doctor and the Lawyer

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Mike Wheeler, Albuquerque, New Mexico**

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.


Dennis Rodman and the three wishes

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lindsey Johnson Suddarth, Mendon, Vermont**

Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach. He picks it up and suddenly a female genie appears. "Master, I may grant you one wish", says the genie.

"Hey, bitch... don't you know who I am.. I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin," yells Rodman.

The genie pleads, "But master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to the bottle forever."

Dennis thinks for a moment... grumbles about the inconvenience and says, Okay, okay... I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning." Giving the genie an evil glare he says, "Just do it, and leave me alone."

The genie, who was annoyed and hurt, says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.

The next morning, Dennis wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tanya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.


I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror --- wearing nothing but a camera!

Received from wneely.


Woman to husband at breakfast table: "It sure is easier to get Junior up for school since he got his nose ring!"

Reader's Digest, Sept 1999 issue.


Myers-Briggs Type Prayers

At the risk of interjecting a little humor into the MBTI etc. discussion, I thought you'd all like this. I got them from Brad Newman here in lovely Massachusetts, but I'm not sure where he found them.

Myers-Briggs Type Prayers ISTJ: Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 11:41.23 am e.s.t.

ISTP: God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

ESTP: God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

ESTJ: God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, just ask.

ISFJ: Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

ISFP: Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).

ESFP: God help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.

ESFJ: God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

INFJ: Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

INFP: God, help me to finish everything I sta..

ENFP: God, help me to keep my mind on one th-Look a bird-ing at a time.

ENFJ: God help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing?

INTJ: Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

INTP: Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

ENTP: Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

ENTJ: Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

Jay Spitulnik




Not so long ago Scott Simmerman of South Carolina asked a question to the Readers of Swenny's E-Mail Funnies, and it was "What, really, is Canadian food?"

So here is what people said:

****** John Bettendorf, Egan, Minnesota says: I hear that two favourite foods of Canadians are Kraft Dinner and Ketchup flavored Potato Chips.

******* Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota (whose husband is related to a million Canadians!) says: Having just been in Canada last weekend, here are a few notes on "Canadian" food:

As in America, there is a large blend of different ethnic cultures throughout Canada, with Winnipeg being one of the most culturally diverse mixtures ever found in a small city. In addition, while I was there, the Pan Am Games were just coming to a close so everything was in three or four languages (English, French, Portuguese and Spanish) instead of the customary two (French and English).

Due to the different ethnic groups, there are all varieties of food available. A lot of British traditions prevail, such as vinegar with your fries instead of ketchup, and adding milk to your tea.

The big confusion comes when you want to order bacon. What Americans refer to as "Canadian bacon" is just called "bacon" in Canada. So, how do you order what Americans call "bacon?" You have to ask for "back bacon." Knowing this, I went to a food stand at the Pan Am games and asked what kind of pizza they had. The reply was, "Cheese or bacon & mushroom." So, I ordered bacon & mushroom thinking I'd be getting "Canadian bacon" and mushroom and I got back bacon & mushroom...a very strange pizza.

P.S. Yesterday we were having brunch at the Detroit Country Club and Stephen, my son, asked the waitress what kind of bacon they had...she just looked at him with this blank stare and we had to explain the difference between Canadian bacon, back bacon and American bacon. Now my father-in-law (who was born in Canada) says that Canadian bacon is back bacon so the confusion continues.

********* Coleen Scott, the Canadian, from Toronto, Ontario says: If that's not a challenge, I don't know what is ...Canadian food is wonderful. It includes:

Salt 'n vinegar chips Smarties Poutine (french fries with cheese curds and gravy - yum! French Canadian food!) Beavertails (fried pastry dough dipped in cinnamon and sugar. Eat outside during the winter.) Beer Back bacon Nova Scotia smoked salmon Maple sugar candies Pizza from McDonalds Anything with a bilingual food label In rural areas, Canadian food is also what your uncle shot at the hunt camp last fall.

It does NOT include: Dr. Pepper (gross!), Surge or Josta Anything with Olestra Kentucky Fried Chicken livers Food that makes ridiculous claims like "Eat this and you'll live forever!" Okra, yams and Zima

If you're worried about us getting fat eating all that junk food, don't worry. We need the protective layer when we crawl into our igloos at night.

******** Bob Laurie, Juneau, Alaska, says: When I think of Canadian Food - I think of the soda pop that does not come in ounces (like the typical 12 ounce can of coke) - it comes in milli-liters, I think. And their can of coke is more like 10 ounces, not 12. They must not be as thirsty over there.

There's Canadian Bacon (instead of ham slices) There's Ginger Ale (as in Canada Dry....) (also in 10 oz sizes) There's beer, ey!

************ Lyn Deadmore Taylor, Atlanta, Georgia, says: "President's Choice" brand anything.....

********** Charlie Bone, Knoxville, Tennessee says: I am not sure what Canadian Food is but I am sure that it must have a lot of A's. Maybe it's alphabet soup with only A's.

********** Gloria Mason Martin says: If you think for a moment...there is a reason why there are no Canadian restaurants.....and Scottish...and Belgium...etc.

*********** Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, Minnesota says: 1. Pork sandwiches (side pork) 2. Hot tea with milk in it 3. Donuts at Tim Hortons.

************ Dawn Berg, Boulder, Colorado (and the ex-wife of a Canadian) says: The cookies that have the fruit in the middle I've bought at a great bakery at Victoria Beach on Lake Winnipeg...they've been a staple item there for at least 75 years in the same bakery and there they call them "Dream Cookies"...kind of like Better Than Sex Cake...absolutely delicious!

PS: As for Canadian food? Just the Ukranian stuff like perrogies (sp) ..oh, and Tim Horton doughnuts; he was some champion hockey star from Canada who now makes millions selling doughnuts! The franchise is all across Canada. Other than that, I think they just drink beer.:) Obviously, if I was more in tune with Canadian needs, I would not be divorced! ha ha!

***************** Jorg Reiber from Germany says: When I was in Canada last time, I was told "Canadian breakfast is to have a beer and then put the water on to make coffee." True story, I swear, and it was an advice from a Canadian. Also meant to be a statement about the difference between Canada and the USA.

**************** Melanie Rotz from Redlands, California checked around with the cooks at the university where she works and said: The only thing that we came up with, other than Molson beer, was anything cooked with maple syrup and wild game. We tossed around the ideas of beef and potatoes, and wild rice - but I thought that sounded very Minnesotan (then so does wild game). There also tends to be a lot of regionalism in Canadian food, i.e. seafood on the coasts, and French cuisine in Quebec. So there is no true telling answer from me, and I even talked to some Canadians, eh!

*************** So there you have it, folks....the answers to "What is Canadian food?"

Larry "Swenny" Swenson


Crime and The Accordion Story

A musician is hot and tired after the gig, so he pulls into the 7-11 to get a cold drink. While he's buying his slurpee, he suddenly realizes that he spaced out -- the accordion is in the back seat, in full view! He rushes out of the store... but it's too late. Someone has already broken the car window and left another accordion.





A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the sixth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much much steel!! No, think of another wish." So the man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"




This Crazy World

* "Downsizing" may be on the wane. One local company conducting interviews told an applicant he was "Just the type of man they were looking for" -- they'd decided to lay-off some of the PC's. - - - - -

* The old supply-and-demand law is still at work. Hallmark has just come out with "Tax Sympathy Cards" for Yuppies to send to their friends who lack adequate tax shelters. - - - - -

* A medical student was applying for financial aid. When asked why he needed assistance, he replied, "My wife and I are now separated, and I'm my sole means of support." - - - - -

* The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months" on the board and then she said, "Timmy, how should I correct that ?" Timmy replied, "Maybe get a new boyfriend ?" - - - - -

* For the first time, women were used as combat pilots the US's latest fiasco with Saddam. They've even formed a club. They call it "The Ladies' Soaring Circle". - - - - -

* Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars of "disposable income" to a person's salary during their lifetimes. This extra money is then spent to send the kids to college. - - - - -

* TV ratings always improve during the football "Playoffs". But things may have gotten out of hand. Jimmy Johnson, the coach for the Miami Dolphins called a team meeting in advance of the game and said: "Tim, Jason will do the shaving spots today; Shane, you'll handle the cars; Barron is doing the fast foods; and Danny will do all the pick-up truck commercials." © Jim Moore Jr, 1999


World's Shortest Books

"My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson

"To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres

"The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton

The Difference between Reality and Dilbert

Human Rights Advances in China

"Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors

Cleveland -- A Travel Guide

Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

Staple Your Way to Success

The Programmer's Guide to Fashion

Just 4 Laughs!


A Redneck Love Poem

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lois Magee, Trenton, New Jersey**

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yer hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

Yu're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yu're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You got some'a yer teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yer arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yer charm.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yu're there fer yer man, ta patch up life's troubles and ta fix what you can.

Yu're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. Not like them mean far ants I dun found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life like a load of fresh dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; There ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yer complexion is perfect, like the best vinyl sidin'. Cuz despite all them years, yer age, yup it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we two go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate fer Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men, they git roses fer that special day, from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds is ferever," they explains, suave and couth.

But fer this man, honey, these just won't do. Cuz yor'e way too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste or odor, more useful than diamonds... It's a new trollin' motor!






**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eric Lindbeck, Seattle, Washington**

Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash

Use the expression: "sun break" and know what it means

Know more than 10 ways to order coffee

Know more people that own boats than air conditioners

Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant

Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal

Are amazed by accurate weather forecasts

Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain

Complain about Californians, as you sell your house for twice its value to one

Know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon

Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah & Oregon

Consider swimming an indoor sport

Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food

In winter, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working 8 hour days

Obey all traffic laws except "Keep right except to pass"

Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho

Are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain" and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers"

Can't wait for a day with "Showers and sun breaks"

Have no concept of humidity without precipitation

Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best Coffee, and Veneto's

Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind

Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can't see through the cloud cover

Say "the mountain is out" when it's a pretty day and you can actually see it

Feel like you've grown up with Bill Gates and can't quite figure out why people can be so mean to him

Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka

Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the socks on

Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain

Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists

Knew immediately that the view out Frasier's window was fake





On Language Development

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"





Interview With God

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Debbie Hoellen, Denver, Colorado, via Karen Isaak, Denver, Colorado**

I dreamed I had an interview with God. "Come in," God said. "So, you would like to interview Me?"

"If you have the time,"

I said. God smiled and said, "My time is eternity and is enough to do everything. What questions do you have in mind to ask me?"

"What surprises you most about mankind?"

God answered, "That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.

That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health.

That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future.

That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived..."

God's hands took mine and we were silent for while and then I asked...

"As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?"

God replied with a smile: "To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved.

To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives.

To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. All will be judged individually on their own merits, not as a group on a comparison basis!

To learn that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them.

To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.

To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings.

To learn that money can buy everything but happiness.

To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it totally different.

To learn that a true friend in someone who knows everything about them...and likes them anyway.

To learn that people will forget what you said. People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive themselves."

I sat there for a while enjoying the moment. I thanked Him for his time and for all that He has done for me and my family, and He replied, "Anytime. I'm here 24 hours a day. All you have to do is ask for me, and I'll answer."


Nursery Rhyme - True Story

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said, "...and so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me, sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'"

Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said, "I know! I know!

He said: 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. Just 4 Laughs!


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."


A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"


A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" Received from Phil O Schuff.





Prince Charming

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Hemant Marda, Kathmandu, Nepal**

Prince Charming walks into a tavern appearing downtrodden. Immediately, the bartender turns to him and asks why he's so glum. "You wouldn't believe it," he replies. "I was walking through the Enchanted Forest when, suddenly I approached Snow White fast asleep on a bed of stone. The dwarf next to her tells me that she ate a poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips. I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing. So I give her a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing. Soon enough, I'm making passionate love to her right there in the woods when suddenly, she screams out, 'Ah yes!'"

"That's great!" the bartender excitedly replies. "Then she's alive!"

Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming says, "Nah. She faked it."





Only in America

Only in America do we have a general in charge of the post office and a secretary in charge of defense.

Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

Only in people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke

Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...

Only in we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss the call we didn't want in the first place...

Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures"...

Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!




If America Online made cars...

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Rick Tanner, Eden Prairie, MN

Four Door AOL Sedan?

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."






General Motors Help Line

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul,


General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to

drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers-but imagine if

they did . . .

* HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

* CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

* HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

* CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

* HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and

turns over the engine."

* CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of

these technical terms just to use my car?"


* HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

* CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

* HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

* CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"

* HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and

markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"

* CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

* HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase

some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install

it for you."

* CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have

to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built



* HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

* CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"

* HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

* CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

* HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

* CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all

the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed-and now it

won't start!"

* HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you

expect us to do about it?"

* CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't

crash anymore!"


* HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

* CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it

has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and

power door locks."

* HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

* CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

* HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

* CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

* HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

* CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"


Old Age?

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**

A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"



One day, a project leader was asked to submit a review of one of his employees. He wrote the following:

1) Bob Jones, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2) hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3) wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4) thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5) finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended 6) measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7) breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8) vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9) knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10) classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11) dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12) promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13) executed as soon as possible.

Regards, Project Leader

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the project leader: Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my true assessment of him.

Regards, Project Leader





1) Who is the ideal figure of motherhood?

A - Eleanor Roosevelt

B - Donna Reed

C - Mrs. Brady

D - Roseanne

2) What did you want to be when you grew up?

A - Part of a nuclear family

B - Someone who makes lots of money

C - Living with your parents

D - Living with your parents

3) Music should be...

A - Melodic and romantic

B - Annoying to your parents

C - Annoying to your parents

D - Annoying to your parents

4) Sex is for...

A - Married couples who want to start families

B - Anybody who wants to start a party

C - Latex-clad partners in a laboratory setting

D - Watching on TV

5) The scariest moment in film history was...

A - When the mummy rose from his tomb

B - When the Blob chased Steve McQueen

C - When the alien burst from the man's chest

D - When Freddy still would not die

6) The most inspiring American is...

A - John Wayne

B - John F. Kennedy

C - John F. Kennedy Jr.

D - Beavis or Butt-head

7) I expect my retirement to be...

A - The golden years when I can look back on a happy,

fulfilling life

B - An opportunity to finally write my novel

C - An agonizing slide into abject poverty

D - A daily struggle to survive in a horribly polluted world

8) America is becoming...

A - More impersonal

B - More frightening

C - More expensive

D - More bogus

9) The American Dream is...

A - A house with a two-car garage

B - A healthy family

C - Winning the lottery

D - Touring with Metallica

10) My college major was...

A - Business

B - Liberal arts

C - Secondary to my bartending job

D - Something far, far away

11) A good meal would be...

A - Meat and potatoes

B - Vegetarian macrobiotic

C - From a drive-up window

D - Microwaveable

12) My favorite footwear is...

A - Sensible shoes

B - Earth shoes

C - Converse high-tops

D - Doc Martens

13) I learned to drive behind the wheel of a...

A - '53 Packard

B - '61 VW

C - '78 Pinto

D - Sega

14) The "woman"...

A - Marilyn Monroe

B - Raquel Welch

C - Julia Roberts

D - Sheryl Crow

15) The "man"...

A - Cary Grant

B - Paul McCartney

C - Eddie Vedder

D - Bart Simpson

16) Lost idol...

A - James Dean

B - Jim Morrison

C - Kurt Cobain

D - Mario Bros.

17) My generation's most unhealthy habit...

A - Smoking

B - Smoking pot

C - Smoking crack

D - Moshing

18) Fashion accessory best forgotten...

A - Double knit

B - Bell bottoms

C - Skinny ties

D - Ridiculously baggy pants

19) The best way to spend a weekend is...

A - Playing golf

B - Conciousness raising

C - Mountain biking

D - Internet surfing

20) I remember where I was when...

A - The Japanese surrendered

B - John F. Kennedy was shot

C - John Lennon was shot

D - O.J. took a drive

21) Life changing movie...

A - East of Eden

B - Easy Rider

C - Heathers

D - Home Alone

22) Life-changing novel...

A - Catcher in the Rye

B - Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

C - Bright Lights Big City

D - TV Guide

23) Sports hero...

A - Mickey Mantle

B - O.J. Simpson

C - Michael Jordan

D - O.J. Simpson

24) Celebrity my generation would rather not claim...

A - Joe McCarthy

B - Barry Manilow

C - Vanilla Ice

D - Barney

25) Computers are...

A - Frightening and disconcerting

B - Complicated

C - Part of life

D - My only link to the outside world

26) The father is the one who...

A - Brings home the bacon

B - Is attuned to his sensitive side

C - Left years ago

D - Holds the remote control

27) My after-college plans...

A - Work hard to help build a strong America

B - Take my pick of many job opportunities

C - Take my pick of many low-paying temp services

D - Would you like fries with that?

28) My generation's most annoying fad is...

A - Nuclear testing

B - Hula hoops

C - Body piercing

D - Unemployment

29) The voice of my generation...

A - Walter Cronkite

B - Bob Dylan

C - Madonna

D - MTV VJ Kennedy

30) My generation's biggest fear is...

A - Heart disease

B - Getting older

C - Collection agencies

D - Things that suck



If you answer mostly A, you're a pre-boomer

If you answer mostly B, you're a Baby-Boomer

If you answer mostly C, you're in Generation X

If you answer mostly D, you're in Generation Y


From the Gannett Suburban Newspaper

Originally posted 6/28/95

Just 4 Laughs!



In The Elevator

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you." Just 4 Laughs!


Subject: A GFNJ* on an INFP on MBTI about Keirsey Temperments

Hi. I posted this up on the Training and Development listserve and got some really funny immediate comments about it. So, I thought a cross posting to this list might also resonate, since we've raised some of these issues herein also over the past few months. If you are on both lists, like me, sorry for the cross-posting...

Subject: A GFNJ* on an INFP on MBTI about Keirsey Temperments

Interesting. One of our TRDEV listmembers shared this (in part)

I believe exercises such as the Keirsey Temperment Sorter, MBTI, etc. can be useful in some cases for some people. I have seen these types of instruments used effectively to help in team building and communication. I have even found them to be useful in my personal life. However, I am an INFP, so I guess it figures!! (snip).

I too believe that these instruments can offer some discussionary benefits. But I guess my real concern about any and all of these is the "cubbyholing" and "distinctioning" that they cause in oneself and in others, especially when they are convenient explanatory labels for other people.

Personally, I would never say that, "I am an INFP" or anything of that ilk. I am NOT some style as detailed by some instrument, however well designed and cross-culturally validated.

How insignificant these instruments can make us when we are different from our company normative lables and how self-limiting it can be. Or how excluded. And as soon as one says they are "this" or "that," we might begin to establish the self-fulfilling prophecy that we ARE (only) this or that. What a waste of potential.

Gosh, we're talking here about preferences and about preferred styles and most certainly not about "Limiting Labels." I've taken most of these instruments many times over the years and come out differently based on a lot of life factors and situational things. I see myself as very flexible and having preferences rather than highly predictable conditioned responses.

Sure, some people will get into the, "As you become more aware of your styles and preferences, you increase your potential to become more flexible and deal with others who have styles and behavioral patterns that are different than yours." Sure. But most of the certification trainings take weeks and thousands of bucks to be able to teach these nuances -- the trainees get the training in an hour or two. Sure.

We can all make choices (I think). We can have preferred styles of performing and thinking and sorting information but we can also use other styles and approches if we choose. We may be VERY detail oriented at our computer programming job and much less so in keeping our bathrooms and kitchens clean. But we need to be extraordinarily cautious about these labels.

This is not an attack on Rebecca in any fashion -- it is simply a reaction to an expressed viewpoint that she said she IS some factor-analyzed, non-parametric statistical 4-letter labelanchorpoint based on some eclectic and epistomological research into psychological principles of human behavior based on someone's profit center certification training.

I like that Army Thing - "Be, ALL that YOU can BE" and that old Nike slogan, "Just Do It!" I also like that "Human Being Being Human" theme.

Any of these instruments can be beneficial and generate some context and perspective. But when they are used as labels for human being humans (or even rats in a maze), I find them much less tolerable.

* By the way, I labeled myself as a GFNJ* in the subject block. That's "Guy From New Jersey" for those interested in these labels. But I've CHOSEN to live in South Carolina for the past 15 years,

- --

For the FUN of It!



This bloke's in bed with his missus when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife, so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and this bloke is stood outside.

"Eh mate," says the stranger, "can you give us a push?"

"No, sod off, it's half three. I was in bed," says the man and shuts the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened, and she says, "Dave, you are an idiot. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter, and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to sod off?"

So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts: "Eh mate, do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please mate."

Still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts, "Where are you?"

The stranger replies, "I'm over here on the swings." Received from Miranda H.


Fundamentalist Christian Pet

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head. Just 4 Laughs!


Last Wish

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, Minnesota**

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, "'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"


If it is to be, it is up to me! - You Choose

**Adapted from Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, MN**

I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important. My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.

Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or...I can be thankful the grass is getting watered for free.

Today I can feel sad that I don't have more money or... I can be glad my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.

Today I can grumble about my health or...I can rejoice I am alive.

Today I can lament over all my parents didn't give me when I was growing up or... I can feel grateful they allowed me to be born.

Today I can cry because roses have thorns or...I can celebrate that thorns have roses.

Today I can mourn my lack of friends or...I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.

Today I can whine because I have to go to work or...I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.

Today I can complain because I have to go to school or...eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.

Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping.

What today will be like is up to me. I get to pick the kind of day I will have! If it is to be, it is up to me!

Have a FANTASTIC DAY ... unless you choose to have other plans.





**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park, Minnesota**

May 30th Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to it? It is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th Dry heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. I hate this state!

Aug 8th If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like Roasted Tabby!!

Aug 10th The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.

Aug 14th Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Chevy. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Chevy is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to Minnesota for some peace and quiet.




You Know You're In Trouble When...

.... Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

.... You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.

.... The little league puts you on waivers.

.... Your suggestion box starts ticking.

.... Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

.... You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

.... You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.

.... They pay your wages out of petty cash.

.... The moths in your money belt starve to death.

.... You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

.... You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.

.... Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.

.... The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

.... People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

.... Your wife starts charging you rent.

.... A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

.... You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.

.... You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

.... The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

.... Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

.... There are two elephants, two giraffes, and two zebras in your yard and your next door neighbor is building an arc.

.... The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

.... The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

.... A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void. Just 4 Laughs!




Rejected Hallmark Cards

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Mike Wheeler, Albuquerque, NM**

So your daughter's a hooker and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side- it's really good pay.

My tire was thumping I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire I noticed your cat. Whoops!

Your bladder’s removed and you're on the mends. Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be. But don't fret about it She moved in with me.

You totaled your car And can't remember why. Could it have been That whole case of Bud Dry?


Thought of the day

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?"

The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.


How To Handle Adult Mail Spam

Dear Sir,

Thank you very much for the letter you sent informing me of your Adult Web site. My brothers and sisters weren't too happy with your site's contents.

I was able to find your home address, thanks to the new altar boy that just moved into town. We contacted your local parish and the local Reverend was shocked at the business you are running.

He told me that he will be sure to talk to the fellowship and see that you attend the next prayer meeting. He has reserved this Sunday night at 7 so that you can explain your business to the fellowship.

I have subscribed you to the E-PRAYER listserve group, which will bring you 200 holy e-mail messages everyday.

There is no need to thank me. The Lord works in wondrous way! Your sending that e-mail to me was the Lord telling me that you are calling for help.

--Father McDonnell Just 4 Laughs!


Best T-shirts of the Summer

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":

1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends

5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going

6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can't Remember It All

7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

11) Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount

12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")

14) (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

16) (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About

19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge

21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich

22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money

23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

24) IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be

25) Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

27) Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

28) The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt

29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You

30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

31) In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.

32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order. Just 4 Laughs!


Sadistic Day Brighteners

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Rick Tanner, Eden Prairie, MN**

* There's a yuppie somewhere who just pulled a hamstring in one of those

sissy aerobics classes.

* Your neighbors drink better beer than you, but they voted for Clinton, and

now they have to face the mirror with shame every morning.

* Remember that nasty old nun who used to hit your knuckles with a ruler?

She's 75 years old now, and she has arthritis.

* If your woman isn't faithful, you're not alone. Don't forget that even

Popeye was two-timed by Olive Oyl (in almost every episode, in fact!)

* The worse things get,... the less you have to lose!

* You'll be happy to know that your local newspaper is made of 50% recycled

material. (That's 1% recycled paper; 49% recycled news articles.)

* Miss Manners has finally been discredited. It's rude to tell other people

what to do!

* Sigmund Freud has been discredited, too. It's lewd to tell other people

about their poo.

* Every three minutes, somewhere in America a suburban housewife backs the

family car through the garage door.

* No matter how bad things get, your folks still have your old bedroom ready,

and you're welcome to go back home.

* The time you spent reading this email could've been spent more

productively. But you're not bothered because you're one of those

well-adjusted people who really doesn't care about anything.



What's Happening

The Master of the house is comfortably installed in an armchair in the library, reading a newspaper.

Suddenly, John, his butler rips the door open and shouts: "Sir, the Thames is flooding the streets!"

The master looks up calmly from the newspaper and says: "John, please. I have already told you. If you do have something important to tell me, first knock on the door, then enter and inform me, in a quiet and civilized manner, about the issue. Now please, do so".

John apologizes and closes the door behind him. Three seconds after, the Master hears a knock on the door.


John partially enters the room, and with a wide gesture makes an invitation as for somebody on the outside to enter:

"Sir, the Thames".


Walkin' in a Doggie Wonderland

Dog tags ring, are you listening'? In the lane, snow is glistening'. It's yellow, NOT white I've been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance. It's a sign for wandering vagrants; "Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty! Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman, following the classical design. Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man, So all the world will know that it's mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fence post, flows my natural incense boast; "Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth, I marked it as my winter wonderland."




The Top 9 Signs You've Gotten a Bad Hotel Room

9 The guy at the front desk stares at your chest and asks if you could "sleep facing the clown painting."

8 They don't take American Express, but will consider stereos, VCR's or jewelry.

7 At check-in, the clerk informs you that all of the "Non-Infested" rooms are taken.

6 "Room service" is nothing more than a can of Spam and a bottle of Ripple in a brown paper bag.

5 "Marv Albert wuz here" chewed into headboard.

4 Room service answers, "This better be good, Jerry Springer's on."

3 A second look at the sign out front reveals you're at "Howard's Johnson."

2 Sign out front says, "WELCOME, NAMBLA CONVENTION"

and Top5's Number 1 Sign You've Gotten a Bad Hotel Room...

1 "Indian Graveyard Inn" even *sounds* like a bad idea.

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] [ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]


Accurate Time Piece

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Steve Sorsby, Mexico City, Mexico**

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."




Efficiency Expert

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You really don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"Let me give you but one example: I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made many different trips to the refrigerator, stove, table, cabinets and back, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Honey,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now Ido it in nine."






Miaow - Feed me.

meeow - Pet me.

mrooww - I love you.

miioo-oo-oo - I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.

mrow - I feel like making noise.

rrrow-mawww - Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.

rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.

miaowmiaow - Play with me.

miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?

mioawmioaw - Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.

raowwwww - I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.

mrowwwww - (only heard in males) I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.

roww-maww-roww - I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.

mmeww - I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.

gakk-ak-ak - My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.

mow - Snuggling is a good idea.

moww - Shedding is pretty good, too.

mowww! - I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.

miaow! miaow! - I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.

mraakk! - Oh, small bird! Please come over here.

ssssroww! - I believe that I have found a woodchuck. I shall now act terribly brave.

mmmmmmm - If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I shall be satisfied

Just 4 Laughs!


The Carrot Saga

One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over. The unhurt carrot cradled his buddy, telling him over and over again that he would be OK. Finally the ambulance arrived and rushed the injured carrot off to the hospital. His friend rode with him.

Once at the hospital the uninjured carrot paced back and forth in the emergency room waiting to hear how his pal was going to be.

After many minutes of agonized waiting the doctor came out. He walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to be alright. The bad news is that he is going to be a vegetable all his life".


A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few = hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an engineer."

Received from Kelly Cordell via Trey Nolen.


Memo to: The members of the Kansas Board of Education

From: God

Re: Your decision to eliminate the teaching of evolution as science.

Thank you for your support. Much obliged.

Now, go forth and multiply. Beget many children. And yea, your children shall beget children. And their children shall beget children, and their children's children after them. And in time the genes that have made you such pinheads will be eliminated through natural selection. Because that is how it works.

Listen, I love all my creatures equally, and gave each his own special qualities to help him on Earth. The horse I gave great strength. The antelope I gave great grace and speed. The dung beetle I gave great stupidity, so he doesn't realize he is a dung beetle. Man I gave a brain.

Use it, okay?

I admit I am not perfect. I've made errors. (Armpit hair--what was I thinking?) But do you Kansans seriously believe that I dropped half-a-billion-year-old trilobite skeletons all over my great green Earth by mistake? What, I had a few lying around some previous creation in the Andromeda galaxy, and they fell through a hole in my pocket?

You were supposed to find them. And once you found them, you were supposed to draw the appropriate, intelligent conclusions. That's what I made you for. To think.

The folks who wrote the Bible were smart and good people. Mostly, they got it right. But there were glitches. Imprecisions. For one thing, they said that Adam and Eve begat Cain and Abel, and then Cain begat Enoch. How was that supposed to have happened?

They left out Tiffany entirely!

Well, they also were a little off on certain elements of timing and sequence. So what?

You guys were supposed to figure it all out for yourselves, anyway. When you stumble over the truth, you are not supposed to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and proceed on as though nothing had happened. If you find a dinosaur's toe, you're not supposed to look for reasons to call it a croissant. You're not big, drooling idiots. For that, I made dogs.

Why do you think there are no fossilized human toes dating from a hundred million years ago? Think about it.

It's okay if you think. In fact, I prefer it. That's why I like Charlie Darwin. He was always a thinker. Still is. He and I chat frequently.

I know a lot of people figure that if man evolved from other organisms, it means I don't exist. I have to admit this is a reasonable assumption and a valid line of thought. I am in favor of thought. I encourage you to pursue this concept with an open mind, and see where it leads you.

That's all I have to say right now, except that I'm really cheesed off at laugh tracks on sitcoms, and the NRA, and people who make simple declarative sentences sound like questions?

Oh, wait. There's one more thing.

Did you read in the newspapers yesterday how scientists in Australia dug up some rocks and found fossilized remains of life dating back further than ever before? Primitive, multicelled animals on Earth nearly 3 billion years ago, when the planet was nothing but roiling muck and ice and fire. And inside those cells was . . . DNA. Incredibly complex strands of chemicals, laced together in a scheme so sophisticated no one yet understands exactly how it works.

I wonder who could have thought of something like that, back then.

Just something to gnaw on.

And God Said, Let There Be Light in Kansas

By Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Saturday, August 14, 1999; Page C01


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