Note: These are L-O-N-G files with lots of jokes and stuff. Hit "back" to escape or print them if you dare!


Blue Silk Pajamas

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "Something has just

come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a

lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment,

and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later

he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says, "Oh

yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and

says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"


Riding along

Farmer Dan baught himself a new combine, and was hocked to his eyebrows.

His son came to him and said " Dad, I need to buy a new car. "

Well, son, just as soon as that new combine is paid for, I'll buy you a new car.

The son went away sataisfied, but wishing that it could be right now.

Dan's next oldest son came to hem and said. " Dad, I need a new bycycle. "

Dan pointed to the new combine and said, son, as soon as that combine is paid for, I will buy you a new bycycle.

Then dans youngest son came to him and said " Dad, I need a new tricyle.

Again, Dan pointed to the new combine and said " son, as soon as that new combine is paid for, I will buy you a new tricycle"

The youngest got mad and went storming out of the house.

As soon as he was outside, he spotted a rooster mounting a hen.

He immediately went over and kicked the rooster clear across the yard, and said " ain't nobody riding nothing around here untill that damn combine is paid for.




A woman decides that she's not amply enough endowed in the chest, so she goes to her plastic surgeon about getting implants.

"What are my options?" she asks the doctor.

"Well," the doctor responded, "The very best, most realistic implants are made of silicone."

"Okay. What's the price tag on those?"


The woman sighed. "I don't have $25,000 to spare. Are there any other options?"

"The next best type of implants are rubber. They're less realistic, but the process is quite a bit cheaper, about $10,000."

The woman shook her head. "I'm afraid I just can't afford that. Sorry I wasted your time."

"Wait," said the doctor. "There is one more option, but it's in the experimental stages. If you're willing to try it out, it will be free."

"Okay," said the woman cautiously. "What kind of implants are these?"

"Balloons," replied the doctor. "It requires a less invasive procedure, but they must be reinflated periodically."

The woman decided to go for the operation. It was successful, and when it was all finished the doctor showed her how to inflate them, like this: {Put fingers on chest just above bosom. Move your elbows up and down like a chicken flapping its wings.}

So, once she fully recovered, the woman went to a singles

bar. She spied a likely-looking prospect on the other side of the bar. She walked over, making sure that her breasts were inflated {repeat chicken-wing motion}.

"Pardon me," she said to the man, "but haven't I seen you here before?"

{say the following line while scissoring legs open and closed} "No, but we have the same doctor!"


The Saga Of Management Review Of Writing Style

Question: How many feet do mice have?

Original Reply: Mice have four feet.

Management's Comment: Elaborate!

Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.

Management's Comment: No discussion of 5th appendage!

Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.

Management's Comment: What? Feet with no legs?

Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.

Management's Comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?

Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.

Management's Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!

Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.

Management's Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful No!

Revision 6: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.

Management's Comment: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!

Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.

Management's Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!

Final Revision Approved By Management: Mice have four feet.



**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Charlie Bone, Knoxville,

Tennessee, with the following note: For you parents (and grandparents):

Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He volunteered high

school and college graduates a list of eleven things they did not learn in

school. In his book, he talks about how the feel good, politically-correct

teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set

them up for failure in the real world."

Rule 1: Life is not fair; get used to it.

Rule 2:

The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to

accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3:

You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You

won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4:

If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have


Rule 5:

Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a

different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.

Rule 6:

If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your

mistakes. Learn from them.

Rule 7:

Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They

got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to

you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the

parasites of your parents'

generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8:

Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In

some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many

times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, doesn't bear

the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9:

Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few

employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own


Rule 10:

Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the

coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11:

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.



The Y1K Crisis


By Ashleigh Brilliant (


Canterbury, England. A.D. 999:


An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as

the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called

"Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever

heard of.


Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western

Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could

collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the



Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one

anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year

would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all

metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic

hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events

will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables.

All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained

for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on

vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns,

at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official

event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations,

may be called into question.


"We should have seen it coming," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael

Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that THOUSAND

contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and

of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the

year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible

confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be

even worse -- The Latin word for Thousand is Mille, which is the

same as the Latin for mile. We won't know whether we're talking

about time or distance!"


Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a

proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in

all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with

its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the

hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos..


A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss

the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is

now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the

worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.


Received from boyleje





Real Epitaphs

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies

Ezekial Aikle

Age 102

The Good

Die Young.


In a London, England cemetery:

Ann Mann

Here lies Ann Mann,

Who lived an old maid

But died an old Mann.

Dec. 8, 1767


In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread

And the Lord sent them manna,

Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,

And the Devil sent him Anna


Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies

Johnny Yeast

Pardon me

For not rising.


Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body

of Jonathan Blake

Stepped on the gas

Instead of the brake.


In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays Butch,

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger,

But slow on the draw.


A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:

Sacred to the memory of

my husband John Barnes

who died January 3, 1803

His comely young widow, aged 23, has

many qualifications of a good wife, and

yearns to be comforted.


Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:

I was somebody.

Who, is no business

Of yours.


Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the

cowboy days of the 1880s. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in

Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore

Four slugs from a .44

No Les No More.


In a Georgia cemetery:

I told you I was sick


John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader if cash thou art

In want of any

Dig 4 feet deep

And thou wilt find a Penny.


On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her

but nobody believed her.


In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June

- Jonathan Fiddle -

Went out of tune.


Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that

sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:

Here lies the body of our Anna

Done to death by a banana

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low

But the skin of the thing that made her go.


More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:

Gone away

Owin more

Than he could pay.


Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:

In Memory of Beza Wood

Departed this life

Nov. 2, 1837

Aged 45 yrs.

Here lies one Wood

Enclosed in wood

One Wood

Within another.

The outer wood

Is very good:

We cannot praise

The other.


On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod:

Pease shelled out and went to God.


The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer


Who was fatally burned

March 21, 1870

by the explosion of a lamp

filled with R.E. Danforth's

Non-Explosive Burning Fluid


Oops Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903--Died 1942

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if

the car was on the way down. It was.



How do you know if you eat like a Cuban?

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jessica Gonzalez, Kettering, OH**

10. You have your "picadillo" and your "ensalada" at the same time.

9. You have a banana on the side of your dish.

8. Your napkin is made of paper (probably Bounty).

7. Your dessert is a slice of "guayaba" with a slice of "cream cheese" on top.

6. You push your food onto your fork with a piece of bread.

5. You eat cake with a spoon.

4. You sop up "la salsita" with the last piece of bread.

3. Your steak is huge and it has onions on it.

2. You think "La Rosa Bakery" is the best in Miami.

1. Your mom cooks everything (even flan) in a pressure cooker.





**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Mike Capote, a Cuban descendant,

but definitely from Miami, Florida**

If any of the following apply to you, you're definitely CUBAN!

- if you grew up scared of something called "el cuco."

- If you know the meaning of "no da pie con bola."

- If dinner usually consists of rice, beans and some kind of meat.

- If you stop at Sedanos on the way home from work.

- If you ever referred to Publix as "el Poobli."

- If you were raised on Goya, Badia or Kirby products.

- If while visiting a relative they asked you "quieres cafe o coffi."

- If you ever dropped food on the floor, picked it up and ate it after

saying, "lo que no mata engorda!"

- If you have ever gotten hit by a "chancleta."

- If you ever referred to Kellogs Cornflakes as "confley".

- If other people ever asked you to stop screaming, when you were really just


- If your parents ever told you "vas a dormir caliente" after you had


- If you ever got home late, and your mom was asleep "en el sillon de la


- If you ever saw a kitty-cat and called them over by saying "Misu Misu Misu."

- If you have a "pim pam pum" in the closet in case unexpected visitors


- If you smell the delightful aroma of "platanitos maduros" and your mouth


and you are definitely CUBAN, if you've ever been to a "boda," "quinces,"

"bautizo," or "despedida de solteros de pareja" and fought over who was going

to take the center piece HOME!!






A Real Hero!

Sunday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.

I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse

starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on,

but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse,

my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head

first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the

horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart

manager came and unplugged it.

Thank G-d for Real Heros!



Today's GCFLThe Y1K Crisis

By Ashleigh Brilliant (


Canterbury, England. A.D. 999:


An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as

the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called

"Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever

heard of.


Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western

Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could

collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.


Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one

anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year

would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all

metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic

hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events

will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables.

All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained

for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on

vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns,

at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official

event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations,

may be called into question.


"We should have seen it coming," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael

Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that THOUSAND

contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and

of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the

year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible

confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be

even worse -- The Latin word for Thousand is Mille, which is the

same as the Latin for mile. We won't know whether we're talking

about time or distance!"


Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a

proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in

all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with

its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the

hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos..


A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss

the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is

now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the

worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.


Received from boyleje




Tips from Martha Stewart:


Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross

out the names and addresses of people you don't know.


Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by

holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and

occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.


Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to

fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.


No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the

dirt by simply peeling it off.


Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red

nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless

you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be



If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a

jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is

almost instantly removed.


Received from Joe Boyle.



Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?


I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that. (SEH)


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Room service? Send up a larger room.


Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.


He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that

fool you. He really is an idiot.


I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an



A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.


From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was

convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad

to get rid of it.


Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for



Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.


Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.


Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.


One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my

pajamas I'll never know.


I must say that I find television very educational. The minute

somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.


I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.


If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.


I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as



I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.


(taking someone's pulse) Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.


Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me

more of you than you do!


Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!

And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and

stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than

rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.


Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my

disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is I'm against it.


Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's

too dark to read.


Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Just 4 Laughs!



The Bank

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lindsey Johnson Suddarth, Mendon,


Dear Valued Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to

pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must

have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account

of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly

deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in

place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window

of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty

for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the

manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial

ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our

relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am

restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures,

attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater

compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end,

please be advised about the following changes. First, I have noticed that

whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try

to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,

pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like

you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan

repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will

arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an

employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it

is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an

envelope. Please find attached an Application For Contact Status which I

require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,

but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about

me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her

medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the

mandatory details of his/her financial situation income, debts, assets and

liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will

issue your employee with a PIN number which

he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter

than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses

required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they

say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new

telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My

Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any

dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.

By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an

extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me;

2. To query a missing repayment;

3. To make a general complaint or inquiry;

4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of

living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;

5. To transfer the call to my bed room case I am still sleeping. Extension of

bed room to be communicated at the time the call is received;

6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.

7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.

8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a pass word to

access my computer is required. Pass word will be communicated at a later

date to the contact.

9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated

answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,

uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen arefrain

from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble With a

guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners

sweated for"! After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably

know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As

your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency

comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to


Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the

matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20

per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per

minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for

example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be

passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even

Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep

your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following

your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up

of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less

prosperous, New Year.

Your humble client.




~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.


~ To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is

even more human; in fact it is downright natural.


~ He who laughs last probably made a back-up.


~ If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.


~ A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have

evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.


~ The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.


~ A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but

rarely what you want it to do.


~ When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant

it to happen.


~ When you get to the point where you really understand your

computer, it's probably obsolete.


~ The first place to look for information is in the section of

the manual where you least expect to find it.


~ When the going gets tough, upgrade.


~ When you need to send an email quick, that's when the modem

won't connect!

Just 4 Laughs!



The only jokes you receive are through e-mail

At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find

the burnt-out bulb in the string

Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade

your RAM is a moral dilemma

Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the

scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room

In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure

The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

You are always late to meetings

You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling

You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday

You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical


You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months

You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs

to see how they do the special effects

You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area

You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life

You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself

since you got married

You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than

hanging coats and taping ducts

You know what http:// actually stands for

You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

You see a good design and still have to change it

You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring

You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they

didn't get enough sleep

You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)

You window shop at Radio Shack

You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the

moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite

You know what the geosynchronous satellite function is

Your checkbook always balances

Your laptop computer costs more than your car

Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work

Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium

You've already calculated how much you make per second

You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio

Just 4 Laughs!


Netscope 5.0 Features

10. Ebonics encryption built in!

9. Included: a Net phone that calls collect

8. Built-in support for all bad "Java" puns

7. Automatically converts and then permanently uninstalls IE

6. Free subscription to Slate

5. Does not crash under the Mac OS for at least five minutes!

4. Supports Internet, intranet, extranet, and now in version 5.0: fishnet, hairnet, and dragnet, too

3. Support for the new HTML </stink> tag

2. Version available for Amiga OS

1. Way beyond "push" technology, Netscope now supports "squirt"

Just 4 Laughs!


New Ways to Test Software

During a particularly long and painful bout of REGRESSION TESTING

our application software, some consultants came up with this list

of other types of testing we'd like not to see:

AGGRESSION TESTING: If this doesn't work, I'm gonna kill somebody.


CONFESSION TESTING: Okay, Okay, I did program that bug.

CONGRESSIONAL TESTING: Are you now, or have you ever been a bug?

DEPRESSION TESTING: If this doesn't work, I'm gonna kill myself.

EGRESSION TESTING: Uh-oh, a bug... I'm outta here.

DIGRESSION TESTING: Well, it works, but can I tell you about my


EXPRESSION TESTING: #@%^&*!!!, a bug.

OBSESSION TESTING: I'll find this bug if it's the last thing I do.


POISSION TESTING: Alors! Regardez le poission!

REPRESSION TESTING: It's not a bug, it's a feature.

SUCCESSION TESTING: The bug is dead! Long live the bug!

SUGGESTION TESTING: Well, it works but wouldn't it be better if...

Just 4 Laughs!



Millennium Pie

(with apologies to Don McLean, American Pie) Written by Scott McNulty

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Roxanne Abbas, Plymouth,


A long, long time ago...

I can still remember how

Computers used to make me smile.

And I knew if I had my chance,

That I could make electrons dance,

And maybe I'd be happy for a while.

But January made me shiver,

it chilled me deep down in my liver,

Bad news I'd collected...

I couldn't get connected.

I can't remember back that day

When I first knew the Y2K

But something touched me anyway,

The day computers died.

So, ...Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi

Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry

And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies

Saying this will be the day I retire

his will be the day I retire

Can you write in C plus plus ?

And do you have faith in your local bus

If the driver tells you so ?

Do you believe in Compaq's goals

Can software save your mortal soul

And can you teach me how to type real slow ?

Well I thought that you were prepared

'Cause your memo said you weren't impaired

But you can go to hell

Your stationery's swell

I was a lonely teenage Unix hack

With an incantation and a modem jack

but I knew the cat had left the sack

The day computers died

I started singin'...

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi

Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry

And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies

Saying this will be the day I retire

this will be the day I retire

Now for 10 years we've ignored the threat

And we haven't solved the problem yet

But that's not how it used to be

When the luddites read for the king and queen

with a light they filled with kerosene

And some manuals they stole from you and me

And while Bill Gates was looking pleased

Time stole his monopolies

The courtroom was adjourned

No verdict was returned

While Apple tried a color scheme

The engineers returned to steam

And we had purges of their dreams

The day computers died

We were singin'

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi

Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry

And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies

Saying this will be the day I retire

this will be the day I retire

Intel inside in an iron smelter

The food leftover from my fallout shelter

Twinkies old and aging fast

I'd rather eat the grass

Q and A tried for a system crash

With the tester on the sidelines in a cast

Now the timeshare net was running Doom

While mainframes played a marching tune

We all tried to log in

Oh, but we never could begin

'Cause Cobol tried to take the field,

And Holerith refused to yield.

Do you recall what was revealed,

The day computers died?

We started singing

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi

Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry

And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies

Saying this will be the day I retire

this will be the day I retire

There we were all in a state

A generation- really late

With no time left to start again

So come on mouse be nimble, mouse be quick

Don't let my spreadsheet data stick

Cause data is the devil's only friend.

As I watched him on my screen

My hands and face were drenched in steam

No angel born in hell

Could run that stupid shell

And as the ball climbed high into the night

To call the sacrificial night

I saw Dick Clark laughing with delight

the day computers died.

I met a girl with a cell phone

And I asked her for a dial tone

But she just smiled and turned away

I went down to the software store

Where I'd seen computers years before

But the man there said the games there

wouldn't play

And in the streets the children screamed

The lovers cried and the poets dreamed

their interface was spoken

The Internet was broken

And the three things I connect to most

The Website, Lan and the Network host

Every single one was toast

The day computers died

They were singin'

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi

Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry

And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies

Saying this will be the day I retire

this will be the day I retire




**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes,


* 486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

* STATE OF THE ART: Any computer you can't afford.

* OBSOLETE: Any computer you own.

* MICROSECOND: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become


* G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the

computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

* SYNTAX ERROR: Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a

computer and money is no object."

* HARD DRIVE: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially

after a Syntax Error.

* GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

(Pronounced, "gooey.")

* KEYBOARD: The standard way to generate computer errors.

* MOUSE: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

* FLOPPY: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

* PORTABLE COMPUTER: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home,

on vacation, and on business trips.

* DISK CRASH: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

* POWER USER: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

* SYSTEM UPDATE: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.


Mischeivous Brothers

There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were

exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it

turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits'

end trying to control them.

Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the

mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk

with the boys and he agreed.

The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but

said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother

sent the younger to the rabbi.

The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For

about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally,

the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man,

where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all

around, then said nothing.

Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is

God?" Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing.

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across

the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked,

"Young man, I ask you, where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother,

he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they

usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in

Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"

His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is

missing and they think we did it !!!"




Twas the before Y2K

**Contributed to Swenny' E-Mail Funnies by Jan Passion, somewhere in the


Twas the night before Y2K,

And all through the nation

We awaited The Bug,

The Millennium sensation.

The chips were replaced

In computers with care,

In hopes that ol' Bugsy

Wouldn't stop there.

While some folks could think

They were snug in their beds

Others had visions

Of dread in their heads.

And Ma with her PC,

And I with my Mac

Had just logged on the Net

And kicked back with a snack.

When over the server,

There arose such a clatter

I called Mister Gates

To see what was the matter.

But he was away,

So I flew like a flash

Off to my bank

To withdraw all my cash.

When what with my wandering eyes

Should I see?

My good old Mac

Looked sick to me.

The hack of all hackers

Was looking so smug,

I knew that it must be

The Y2K Bug!

His image downloaded

In no time at all,

He whistled and shouted,

Let all systems fall!

Go Intel! Go Gateway!

Now HP! Big Blue!

Everything Compaq,

And Pentium too!

All processors big,

All processors small,

Crash away! Crash away!

Crash away all!

All the controls

That planes need for their flights

All microwaves, trains

And all traffic lights.

As I drew in my breath

And was turning around,

Out through the modem,

He came with a bound.

He was covered with fur,

And slung on his back

Was a sackful of virus,

Set for attack.

His eyes-how they twinkled!

His dimples-how merry!

As midnight approached, though

Things soon became scary.

He had a broad little face

And a round little belly,

And his sack filled with virus

Quivered like jelly.

He was chubby and plump,

Perpetually grinning,

And I laughed when I saw him

Though my hard drive stopped spinning.

A wink of his eye,

And a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know

A new feeling of dread.

He spoke not a word,

But went straight to his work,

He changed all the clocks,

Then turned with a jerk.

With a twitch of his nose,

And a quick little wink,

All things electronic

Soon went on the blink.

He zoomed from my system,

To the next folks on line,

He caused such a disruption,

Could this be a sign?

Then I heard him exclaim,

With a loud, hearty shout,

Happy Y2K to you all,

This is a helluva night!





General Motors vs. Microsoft


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared

the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had

kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all

be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the



In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the

following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO) "If GM

had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars

with the following characteristics:


1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.


2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have

to buy a new car.


3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would

cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case

you would have to reinstall the engine.


4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought

"Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.


5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,

five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.


6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be

replaced by one "general car default" warning light.


7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.


8. The airbag system would say ("Are you sure?" before going off).


9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you

out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the

door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio



10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of

Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they

neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option

would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50%

or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by

the Justice department.


11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to

learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls

would operate in the same manner as the old car.


12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.


Received from Debster417.



Southern Edition - Windows 98

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park,


Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN

EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one

of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The southern

edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98

with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a

Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.

Also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"

My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"

Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"

Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"

Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"

Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"

Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up.


OK: ats aw-right

Cancel: stopdat

Reset: try er agin

Yes: yep

No: noop

Find: hunt fer it

Go to: over yonder

Back: back yonder

Help: hep me out here

Stop: kwitit

Start: crank er up

Settings: sittins

Programs: stuff at duz stuff

Documents: stuff ah done did

Also note that SUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or

punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:

tiperiter: A word processing program

colerin book: a graphics program

cyferin mersheen: calculator

outhouse paper: notepad

jupe-box: CD Player

iner-net: Microsoft Explorer 4.0

pichers: A graphics viewer

irs: MS accounting software

irs2: MS accounting software with hidden files

tax records: usually an empty file

coon dog: American kennel club records

You'll recognize WINDERS 98 SUTHERN EDITION as it comes pre-loaded with

certain "Favorites" for browsing the Worldwide Web.

Fishin': Bass Anglers Sportsman Society

NRA: National Rifle Association

Shotgun: Remington Arms home page

Riffel: Winchester home page

Pistul: Smith & Wesson home page

Truck: Ford & Chevy dealers by zip code

House: Mobile home repair services & movers by zip code

Cuzzins: Complete database of southern residents (extremely long

download time)

Bud: List of Budweiser distributors by zip code

Rasin: NASCAR racing schedule with TV stations that carry the race

Car 'n truck parts: Junk yards by zip code

Doc: veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the

SUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates

Head Honcho




Alabama Driver

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park,


An Alabama State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-20.

He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "Bout what?"



Arthritis and More

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Roman Gonzalez, Mexico City,


A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a

priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,

and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He

opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled

guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too

much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had


"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."



The Drunk and the Sheet

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lori Wichmann, Maple Grove,


An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last

of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to

the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly

filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain

rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed

sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started

yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets

in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had

watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all


Still staring down, the drunk replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a






A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate

road for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and

he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he

suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to

himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110

and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.


The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and

examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't

feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for

your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"


"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I

was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.


On the night shift

by Pellam O'Toole.

All the while you're sleeping,

Beneath the glowing stars,

Certain folks are keeping

Different hours than you are.

Even though the moon is high,

Far away from cozy beds,

Groups of working people

Have night-shift jobs instead.

Innkeepers at check-in desks,

Judges in night court,

Kitchen hands at truck stops,

Longshoremen at the port.

Maids at big resort hotels,

Nocturnal novel writers,

Orderlies in hospitals,

Protective firefighters.

Quiet guards in banks and shops,

Roll and bagel bakers,

Sales clerks in grocery stores,

Take-out pizza makers.

Underground repair crews,

Vendors at street-side stands,

Welders with heavy torches,

Xylophonists in loud bands.

Yeomen on the midnight watch,

Zookeepers stand on call.

With all this going on at night,

It's a wonder you sleep at all!



Understanding Your Paycheck:

Gross pay: $1222.02


Income Tax Outgo Tax State Tax Interstate Tax

244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89

County Tax City Tax Rural Tax Back Tax

6.11 12.22 4.44 1.11

Front Tax Side Tax Up Tax Down Tax

1.16 1.61 2.22 1.11

Tic-Tacs Thumbtacks Carpet Tacks Stadium Tax

1.98 3.93 0.98 0.69

Flat Tax Surtax Ma'am Tax Parking Fee

8.32 3.46 2.60 5.00

No Parking Fee F.i.c.a. T.g.i.f. Life Ins.

10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85

Health Ins. Disability Ability Liability Ins.

16.23 2.50 0.25 3.41

Dental Ins. Mental Ins. Reassurance. Coffee

4.50 4.33 0.11 6.85

Coffee Cups Calendar Floor Rental Chair Rental

66.51 3.06 16.85 4.32

Desk Rental Union Dues Union Don'ts Cash Advances

4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69

Cash Retreats Overtime Undertime Eastern Time

121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00

Central Time Mountain Time Pacific Time GMT

8.00 7.00 6.00 24.00

Bathroom Time Time Out Oxygen Water

4.44 12.21 10.02 16.54

Electricity Heat Air Conditioning

38.23 51.42 46.83



Take Home Pay: $0000.02

(this is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from)

Just 4 Laughs!





Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit noticed the crow, and asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral Of The Story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral Of The Story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson Number Three

When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral Of The Story:

You don't need brains to be a Boss -- any asshole will do.



Justin and Christian

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Brendan Croft, Melbourne,


Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming

around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The

prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled

the area.

Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian I'm bored

and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have

any worries about being eaten... As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a

predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin

turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of

being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming

bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he

came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance

was the cause of his sad plight.

During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force

could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in

stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash

of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned

back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends

and bought them all a cocktail. (The punchline does not involve a prawn

cocktail - it s much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he

searched for his old pal.

Where's Christian? he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and

became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set

off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came

flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old

friend. Come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way, man. You ll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I

will not be tricked."

Justin cried back, "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've

changed........."I'm a prawn again, Christian...!!!"



**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ajay Ambastha, Mumbai, India**

Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge

of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world

caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and

left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew

kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"I'd like that."

"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a


"The how come you look so glum?"

"This week - nothing!"

**Swenny is in St. Cloud, Minnnesota**


A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper. He got an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall.

After several weeks he realized that whenever he looked at the wall he saw this old Jew praying vigorously.

The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says: "You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?"

The old Jew replies: "What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is taken by the old Jew's sincerity and persistence. "You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?"

The old Jew nods.

"How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?"

The old Jew becomes reflective and then replies: "How long? Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."

The journalist is flabbergasted. "You mean you have been coming to the wall every day for all those years to pray for these things?"

The old Jew nods.

The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it feel to come and pray every day for over many years for these things?"

The old Jew replies: "How does it feel? It feels like I'm talking to a wall."


Jorge del Castillo






Tongue Twister

A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,

but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter

Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers? If Peter

Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,

where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Betty Botter had some butter,

But," she said, "this butter's bitter.

If I bake this bitter butter,

it would make my batter bitter.

But a bit of better butter--

that would make my batter better."

So she bought a bit of butter,

better than her bitter butter,

and she baked it in her batter,

and the batter was not bitter.

So it was better Betty Botter

bought a bit of better butter.

Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.

A big black bug bit a big black bear,

made the big black bear bleed blood.

The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.

Pope Sixtus VI's six texts.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

The shells she sells are surely seashells.

So if she sells shells on the seashore,

I'm sure she sells seashore shells.

Surely Sylvia swims!" shrieked Sammy, surprised.

Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink."

Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets.

Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.

A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.

Said the flea, "Let us fly!"

Said the fly, "Let us flee!"

So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?

Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.

A bitter biting bittern

Bit a better brother bittern,

And the bitter better bittern

Bit the bitter biter back.

And the bitter bittern, bitten,

By the better bitten bittern,

Said "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"

Mr. See owned a saw.

And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.

Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw

Before Soar saw See,

Which made Soar sore.

Had Soar seen See's saw

Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,

See's saw would not have sawed

Soar's seesaw.

So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.

But it was sad to see Soar so sore

Just because See's saw sawed

Soar's seesaw!

The boot black bought the black boot back.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck

if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,

and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would

if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

We surely shall see the sun shine soon.

Which witch wished which wicked wish?

Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.

The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed

shilly-shallied south.

These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;

sheep should sleep in a shed.

If Stu chews shoes, should Stu

choose the shoes he chews?

Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.

Six sharp smart sharks.

What a shame such a shapely sash

should such shabby stitches show.

Sure the ship's shipshape, sir.




Pick a Letter

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Mel Rotz, Redlands, California**

Here you go!!!! This really WORKS !!! It only takes about 30 seconds. Don't


Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going!

Think of an animal that begins with that letter. Repeat it out loud as you

scroll down. Think of a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter

in that animal. Say it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going!

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not

using to scroll down.

Keep going!

Take the hand you counted with, smack yourself in the head, and get back to

work, and quit playing stupid email games!





The Phone Call

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes,

mother, I've had a hard day. Kelli-Ann has been most difficult - I

know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.

Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she

was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you

begged me not to marry her.

You were perfectly right.

You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the

telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

"Kelli-Ann, your mother wants to talk to you!



The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia.

An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local

court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her

feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children

into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer

also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the

story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from

his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a

candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"



Love Happens

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jan Passion, Somewhere in the

United States**

Customer: I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What

do I do first?


CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART


Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it

okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and

RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your

current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will

no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite

LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE.; However, you

have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs

prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off.. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure.Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do

this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been

completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically.

Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall

for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.You need to

begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say? Customer: It says "ERROR 412 -PROGRAM NOT

RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS." What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE

program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your

HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in

non-technical terms it means you have to LOVE your own machine before it can

LOVE others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you find the directory called SELF-ACCEPTANCE?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the


GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin

patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from

all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it

is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files.

SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM,

PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it

from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to

everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they

will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.






Thoughts on Golf

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs

and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it

is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in

front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too


There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play

eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor


An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before

swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot

count, criticize or laugh.

Just 4 Laughs!


Chocolate Test















And can't change your mind once you scroll

down....!!!! So think carefully, what your choice will be!!!








BABY RUTH - Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy

items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need a little eat like an

icecream cone at the end of the day.

3 MUSKETEERS - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of

underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip

out your saber.

BUTTER FINGERS - Smooth articulate, you are an excellent

after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and

chew gum at the same time.

SNICKERS - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys

being around you. But you are a practical joker -- others should be

cautious in shaking hands!

HERSHEY'S - Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other

people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt and get

gushy if held too close.

ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS--Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very

energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is

always attracted to you.

CLARK BAR--You like sports, whether baseball, football,

basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate,

but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote


GOOD'N'PLENTY--You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh.

You are fun to be with. People like to go to the movies with you.

Children find you amusing. You are a very warm hearted person.

ENERGY BAR--You are very active. You are so active, life is passing

you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum.

CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS--You go to the bathroom often.

Just 4 Laughs!



In The News...

Hard Labor: "Millions of Americans welcomed Labor Day. It's the one

day they can escape the grueling drudgery of surfing the Internet at

work." (Joshua Sostrin)

Being A Stooge: A National Constitution Center survey reveals only

41% of teens can name the three branches of government but 59% can

name the Three Stooges. "There's a difference. The Three Stooges

are much more cerebral." (Hamilton)

Around the World: Twenty-six million copies of "Titanic" have been

manufactured. "To put that in perspective, that's enough VHS tape to

circle the planet 260 times of James Cameron's head twice." (Steve


Event Planning: The FDA approved a prescription morning-after pill

that can prevent pregnancy. "Prescription? IF you thought that far

ahead, you wouldn't need the pill." (Hamilton)

Saving the Show!: The rating for this year's Miss America pageant

dropped 25%. "To increase ratings next year, pageant officials are

considering dropping the talent portion of the show." (David


Up to the Minute: Candice Bergen is giving up her gig as spokeswoman

for Sprint. "Yep. She stopped on a dime." (Premiere Radio)

Express Yourself: Madonna has put her daughter, Lourdes, on the

waiting list for the exclusive Cheltenham Ladies College Boarding

School in England. "First, the phony British accent. Now this? What

next? Divorcing a member of the royal family?" (Premiere)

Shall We Dance?: Olympics insiders say ballroom dancing may become an

Olympic event in 2008. "Suddenly, the 'agony of defeat' includes a

broken high heel and a run in your pantyhose." (Jerry Perisho)

Well, Duh!: A damaged painting by Leonardo da Vinci has been

restored. "Upon hearing this, a teenage girl said, 'Like, I totally

didn't know Leonardo DiCaprio's brother was a painter. That family is

sooo talented.' " (Alex Kaseberg)

Friendly Skies: A Chinese man who stowed away on a three-hour flights

from Shanghai to Tokyo by clinging to the landing gear of a jumbo jet

was reported by police to be alive and conscious when the plane

landed. "He was immediately arrested for impersonating a coach

passenger." (Steve Voldseth)

A Special Treat: A Virginia ice cream man was arrested on charges of

selling marijuana to kids from his truck. "Actually, it was a great

marketing decision. After the kids smoked the pot, they came back and

bought 47 Eskimo Pies." (Steinberg)

The Music Man: Barry Manilow plans to do an album of Frank Sinatra

songs. "Sinatra responded from the grave that 'if the little punk

does that, I'll have him whacked.'" (Steinberg)

Just 4 Laughs!



Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette


9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina

8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown"

7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded

6. Morning scedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap

5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying "Go down to

the big pile of cigarette butts..."

4. You get matress fires more often than haircuts

3. You smoke during sex.

2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"

1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a

"nonsmoking" iron lung.

Just 4 Laughs!



What's The Special?

The solemn-faced man entered the diner and took the lunch counter

stool next to mine. The smiling waiter greeted the new customer and

asked if he'd like the daily special.

"What is it?" queried the unsmiling newcomer.

"Beef tongue sandwich," the waiter replied, still smiling.

With the most disgusted expression on his face imaginable, the

man growled, "I wouldn't THINK of eating something that came out of

an animal's mouth!"

"Yes, sir," the undaunted waiter said; "Would you like a menu,


To which the finicky guy responded, "Oh, no -- just give me a fried

egg sandwich please.

Just 4 Laughs!



Womanly Truisms

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Karen Isaak, Denver, Colorado**

*Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their


*Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but

eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

*I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.

*The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right

time, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting time.

*Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

*If at first you don't succeed, see whether the loser gets anything.



Great Reasons to be a Guy

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Same work...more pay.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little


If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just

might become lifelong friends.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So, notice anything


You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a

bolt, then say to yourself, "Righty tighty, lefty loosey."

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Kicking a tire is perfectly natural.

If you don't match, your mother/sister/girlfriend will fix it.

Just 4 Laughs!



Saran Wrap

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Glenice Hall, Rochert, Minnesota**

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of saran

wrap underpants. "Well," says the psychiatrist, "I can clearly see you're nuts."


Football Hero

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Tom Berglind, Fargo, North


A sports reporter for the Sun-Times is walking through Grant Park when he

notices two boys playing football. Out of nowhere, a pit bull attacks one of

the boys and begins mauling him. The other boy, having no choice, finds a

large branch and clubs the dog over the head with it, killing the dog.

The shocked reporter rushes over to the two boys, and after finding out they

were all right, offers to write a story about the heroic little boy. Since

the reporter was a sports reporter, he decided to give his headline a sports

slant:"Young Chicago Bears Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal."

The little boy looks at the headline and says, "Sorry mister, but I'm not a

Bears fan. The reporter stops writing and says, "Oh, well since you were

playing football and we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were a Bears fan."


And so the reporter begins a new headline: "Little Minnesota Vikings Fan

Fends Off Mad Dog Attack." The little boy looks at the headline and shakes

his head. "I'm not a Vikings fan either, mister" says the boy.

The reporter erases his headline again and says, "Gee, I thought every kid in

the Midwest was either a Bears or Vikings fan. To save time, why don't you

just tell me what team you do root for."

The little boy smiles and says, "I'm a Green Bay Packers fan." The reporter

nods and begins his final headline:"Little Cheesehead Bastard Murders Beloved

Family Pet."



From the mouth of Homer J. Simpson in "The Simpsons":

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"

Just 4 Laughs!

Speeding Farmer

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul,


An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state

trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a


"Yep." the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's ass." answered the farmer. "Them are circle


"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily


"Nope, I ain't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."




Dog and Cat Jokes

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to

cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."


A Cat In Heaven

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at

the entrance.

A cat shows up.

St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and

didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one

special thing you have always wanted."

Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my

master had, so I could lie on it."

St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow

after you enter in."

Next a group of mice appeared.

St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth.

You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other

animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you

always wanted."

The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children

playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it

looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates,


St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."

Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees

the cat. "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"

Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was

a nice touch, too!"

Just 4 Laughs!


Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill


1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if

holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side

of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill

in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat

to close mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in

left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear

paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back

of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse from garden.


6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding

front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse

to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler

into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.

Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep

shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its

head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of

drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down

drinking straw.


9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, dring glass

of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and

remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


10. Retriev cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat

in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force

mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic



11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last

tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.

Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid

cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.


13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind

tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from

shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into

mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically

and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.


14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while

doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from

right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.


Received from Deanna Greene.


How's That Again?

Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women, up from almost none a year ago.

-- Detroit News article

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee

-- Toronto Star headline

Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6.

-- Entrepreneur Magazine ad

Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out

-- The Tallahassee Bugle

Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs

-- The Anchorage, Alaska Times

Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming

-- The New Haven, Connecticut Register

Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters

-- The Tallahassee Democrat

Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely!

-- The Houston Chronicle

Governor's Penis Busy [should be "Pen Is"]

-- The New Haven, Connecticut Register

Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son

-- The Arkansas Plainsman

Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands

-- Bangor Maine News

Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position

-- The Washington Times

Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal

-- The Bosnia Bugle

Long Island Stiffens For Lili's Blow

-- Newsday

Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax

-- San Antonio Rose

Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-free

-- Chicago Daily News

Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders

-- The Miami Herald

Just 4 Laughs!




Lord, My soul is ripped with riot

incited by my wicked diet.

"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!

and, Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.

I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain!

but at my present weight, I'll need a crane.

So grant me strength, that I may not fall

into the clutches of cholesterol.

May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated,

that my soul may be poly unsaturated

And show me the light, that I may bear witness

to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.

And at oleomargarine I'll never mutter,

for the road to Hell is spread with butter.

And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;

and Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;

the Devil is in each slice of baloney,

Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,

and Lucifer is a lollipop.

Give me this day my daily slice

but, cut it thin and toast it twice.

I beg upon my dimpled knees,

deliver me from jujubees.

And when my days of trial are done,

and my war with malted milk is won,

Let me stand with Heavenly throng,

In a shining robe--size 30 long.

I can do it Lord, If You'll show to me,

the virtues of lettuce and celery.

If You'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise,

of pasta a la Milannaise

potatoes a la Lyonnaise

and crisp-fried chicken from the South.

Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.

[forwarded by Don Smith]

Received from Mikey's Thot for the Day.


Back to Quotes, Jokes and Other Funnies