Note: These are L-O-N-G files with lots of jokes and stuff. Hit "back" to escape or print them if you dare!
Blue Silk Pajamas
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "Something has just
come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a
lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment,
and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later
he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says, "Oh
yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and
says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
Riding along
Farmer Dan baught himself a new combine, and was hocked to his eyebrows.
His son came to him and said " Dad, I need to buy a new car. "
Well, son, just as soon as that new combine is paid for, I'll buy you a new car.
The son went away sataisfied, but wishing that it could be right now.
Dan's next oldest son came to hem and said. " Dad, I need a new bycycle. "
Dan pointed to the new combine and said, son, as soon as that combine is paid for, I will buy you a new bycycle.
Then dans youngest son came to him and said " Dad, I need a new tricyle.
Again, Dan pointed to the new combine and said " son, as soon as that new combine is paid for, I will buy you a new tricycle"
The youngest got mad and went storming out of the house.
As soon as he was outside, he spotted a rooster mounting a hen.
He immediately went over and kicked the rooster clear across the yard, and said " ain't nobody riding nothing around here untill that damn combine is paid for.
A woman decides that she's not amply enough endowed in the chest, so she goes to her plastic surgeon about getting implants.
"What are my options?" she asks the doctor.
"Well," the doctor responded, "The very best, most realistic implants are made of silicone."
"Okay. What's the price tag on those?"
"$25,000."
The woman sighed. "I don't have $25,000 to spare. Are there any other options?"
"The next best type of implants are rubber. They're less realistic, but the process is quite a bit cheaper, about $10,000."
The woman shook her head. "I'm afraid I just can't afford that. Sorry I wasted your time."
"Wait," said the doctor. "There is one more option, but it's in the experimental stages. If you're willing to try it out, it will be free."
"Okay," said the woman cautiously. "What kind of implants are these?"
"Balloons," replied the doctor. "It requires a less invasive procedure, but they must be reinflated periodically."
The woman decided to go for the operation. It was successful, and when it was all finished the doctor showed her how to inflate them, like this: {Put fingers on chest just above bosom. Move your elbows up and down like a chicken flapping its wings.}
So, once she fully recovered, the woman went to a singles
bar. She spied a likely-looking prospect on the other side of the bar. She walked over, making sure that her breasts were inflated {repeat chicken-wing motion}.
"Pardon me," she said to the man, "but haven't I seen you here before?"
{say the following line while scissoring legs open and closed} "No, but we have the same doctor!"
The Saga Of Management Review Of Writing Style
Question: How many feet do mice have?
Original Reply: Mice have four feet.
Management's Comment: Elaborate!
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Management's Comment: No discussion of 5th appendage!
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
Management's Comment: What? Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
Management's Comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
Management's Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Management's Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful No!
Revision 6: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
Management's Comment: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.
Management's Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
Final Revision Approved By Management: Mice have four feet.
DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Charlie Bone, Knoxville,
Tennessee, with the following note: For you parents (and grandparents):
Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He volunteered high
school and college graduates a list of eleven things they did not learn in
school. In his book, he talks about how the feel good, politically-correct
teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set
them up for failure in the real world."
Rule 1: Life is not fair; get used to it.
Rule 2:
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to
accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3:
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You
won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4:
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have
tenure.
Rule 5:
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a
different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
Rule 6:
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your
mistakes. Learn from them.
Rule 7:
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They
got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to
you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the
parasites of your parents'
generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8:
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In
some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many
times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, doesn't bear
the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9:
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few
employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own
time.
Rule 10:
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the
coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11:
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
The Y1K Crisis
By Ashleigh Brilliant (www.ashleighbrilliant.com)
Canterbury, England. A.D. 999:
An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as
the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called
"Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever
heard of.
Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western
Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could
collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the
problem.
Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one
anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year
would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all
metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic
hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events
will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables.
All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained
for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on
vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns,
at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official
event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations,
may be called into question.
"We should have seen it coming," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael
Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that THOUSAND
contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and
of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the
year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible
confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be
even worse -- The Latin word for Thousand is Mille, which is the
same as the Latin for mile. We won't know whether we're talking
about time or distance!"
Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a
proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in
all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with
its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the
hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos..
A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss
the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is
now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the
worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.
Received from boyleje
Real Epitaphs
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the
cowboy days of the 1880s. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in
Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
In a Georgia cemetery:
I told you I was sick
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that
sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin more
Than he could pay.
Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer
tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid
Oops Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.
How do you know if you eat like a Cuban?
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jessica Gonzalez, Kettering, OH**
10. You have your "picadillo" and your "ensalada" at the same time.
9. You have a banana on the side of your dish.
8. Your napkin is made of paper (probably Bounty).
7. Your dessert is a slice of "guayaba" with a slice of "cream cheese" on top.
6. You push your food onto your fork with a piece of bread.
5. You eat cake with a spoon.
4. You sop up "la salsita" with the last piece of bread.
3. Your steak is huge and it has onions on it.
2. You think "La Rosa Bakery" is the best in Miami.
1. Your mom cooks everything (even flan) in a pressure cooker.
HOW CUBAN ARE YOU?
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Mike Capote, a Cuban descendant,
but definitely from Miami, Florida**
If any of the following apply to you, you're definitely CUBAN!
- if you grew up scared of something called "el cuco."
- If you know the meaning of "no da pie con bola."
- If dinner usually consists of rice, beans and some kind of meat.
- If you stop at Sedanos on the way home from work.
- If you ever referred to Publix as "el Poobli."
- If you were raised on Goya, Badia or Kirby products.
- If while visiting a relative they asked you "quieres cafe o coffi."
- If you ever dropped food on the floor, picked it up and ate it after
saying, "lo que no mata engorda!"
- If you have ever gotten hit by a "chancleta."
- If you ever referred to Kellogs Cornflakes as "confley".
- If other people ever asked you to stop screaming, when you were really just
talking.
- If your parents ever told you "vas a dormir caliente" after you had
misbehaved.
- If you ever got home late, and your mom was asleep "en el sillon de la
sala."
- If you ever saw a kitty-cat and called them over by saying "Misu Misu Misu."
- If you have a "pim pam pum" in the closet in case unexpected visitors
arrive.
- If you smell the delightful aroma of "platanitos maduros" and your mouth
waters.
and you are definitely CUBAN, if you've ever been to a "boda," "quinces,"
"bautizo," or "despedida de solteros de pareja" and fought over who was going
to take the center piece HOME!!
A Real Hero!
Sunday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.
I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse
starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on,
but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse,
my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head
first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the
horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart
manager came and unplugged it.
Thank G-d for Real Heros!
Today's GCFLThe Y1K Crisis
By Ashleigh Brilliant (www.ashleighbrilliant.com)
Canterbury, England. A.D. 999:
An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as
the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called
"Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever
heard of.
Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western
Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could
collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.
Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one
anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year
would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all
metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic
hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events
will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables.
All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained
for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on
vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns,
at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official
event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations,
may be called into question.
"We should have seen it coming," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael
Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that THOUSAND
contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and
of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the
year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible
confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be
even worse -- The Latin word for Thousand is Mille, which is the
same as the Latin for mile. We won't know whether we're talking
about time or distance!"
Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a
proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in
all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with
its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the
hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos..
A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss
the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is
now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the
worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.
Received from boyleje
Tips from Martha Stewart:
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross
out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to
fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the
dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red
nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless
you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be
selected.)
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
Received from Joe Boyle.
GROUCHO MARX HAD SOME OF THE BEST LINES...
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that. (SEH)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that
fool you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad
to get rid of it.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for
me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my
pajamas I'll never know.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute
somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as
members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
(taking someone's pulse) Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me
more of you than you do!
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and
stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than
rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my
disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is I'm against it.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's
too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Just 4 Laughs!
The Bank
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lindsey Johnson Suddarth, Mendon,
Vermont**
Dear Valued Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial
ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end,
please be advised about the following changes. First, I have noticed that
whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try
to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like
you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan
repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it
is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application For Contact Status which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will
issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they
say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My
Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any
dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.
By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an
extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me;
2. To query a missing repayment;
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry;
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of
living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bed room case I am still sleeping. Extension of
bed room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a pass word to
access my computer is required. Pass word will be communicated at a later
date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen arefrain
from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble With a
guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners
sweated for"! After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably
know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As
your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency
comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to
me.
Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the
matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20
per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per
minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for
example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be
passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even
Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep
your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up
of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less
prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client.
~~~ MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING! ~~~
~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
~ To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is
even more human; in fact it is downright natural.
~ He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
~ If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.
~ A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have
evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
~ The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
~ A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but
rarely what you want it to do.
~ When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant
it to happen.
~ When you get to the point where you really understand your
computer, it's probably obsolete.
~ The first place to look for information is in the section of
the manual where you least expect to find it.
~ When the going gets tough, upgrade.
~ When you need to send an email quick, that's when the modem
won't connect!
Just 4 Laughs!
YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...
The only jokes you receive are through e-mail
At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find
the burnt-out bulb in the string
Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade
your RAM is a moral dilemma
Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the
scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure
The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
You are always late to meetings
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical
lines.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs
to see how they do the special effects
You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area
You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life
You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself
since you got married
You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts
You know what http:// actually stands for
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
You see a good design and still have to change it
You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring
You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they
didn't get enough sleep
You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
You window shop at Radio Shack
You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the
moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
You know what the geosynchronous satellite function is
Your checkbook always balances
Your laptop computer costs more than your car
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium
You've already calculated how much you make per second
You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio
Just 4 Laughs!
Netscope 5.0 Features
10. Ebonics encryption built in!
9. Included: a Net phone that calls collect
8. Built-in support for all bad "Java" puns
7. Automatically converts and then permanently uninstalls IE
6. Free subscription to Slate
5. Does not crash under the Mac OS for at least five minutes!
4. Supports Internet, intranet, extranet, and now in version 5.0: fishnet, hairnet, and dragnet, too
3. Support for the new HTML </stink> tag
2. Version available for Amiga OS
1. Way beyond "push" technology, Netscope now supports "squirt"
Just 4 Laughs!
New Ways to Test Software
During a particularly long and painful bout of REGRESSION TESTING
our application software, some consultants came up with this list
of other types of testing we'd like not to see:
AGGRESSION TESTING: If this doesn't work, I'm gonna kill somebody.
COMPRESSION TESTING: []
CONFESSION TESTING: Okay, Okay, I did program that bug.
CONGRESSIONAL TESTING: Are you now, or have you ever been a bug?
DEPRESSION TESTING: If this doesn't work, I'm gonna kill myself.
EGRESSION TESTING: Uh-oh, a bug... I'm outta here.
DIGRESSION TESTING: Well, it works, but can I tell you about my
truck...
EXPRESSION TESTING: #@%^&*!!!, a bug.
OBSESSION TESTING: I'll find this bug if it's the last thing I do.
OPRESSION TESTING: Test this now!
POISSION TESTING: Alors! Regardez le poission!
REPRESSION TESTING: It's not a bug, it's a feature.
SUCCESSION TESTING: The bug is dead! Long live the bug!
SUGGESTION TESTING: Well, it works but wouldn't it be better if...
Just 4 Laughs!
Millennium Pie
(with apologies to Don McLean, American Pie) Written by Scott McNulty
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Roxanne Abbas, Plymouth,
Minnesota**
A long, long time ago...
I can still remember how
Computers used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could make electrons dance,
And maybe I'd be happy for a while.
But January made me shiver,
it chilled me deep down in my liver,
Bad news I'd collected...
I couldn't get connected.
I can't remember back that day
When I first knew the Y2K
But something touched me anyway,
The day computers died.
So, ...Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
his will be the day I retire
Can you write in C plus plus ?
And do you have faith in your local bus
If the driver tells you so ?
Do you believe in Compaq's goals
Can software save your mortal soul
And can you teach me how to type real slow ?
Well I thought that you were prepared
'Cause your memo said you weren't impaired
But you can go to hell
Your stationery's swell
I was a lonely teenage Unix hack
With an incantation and a modem jack
but I knew the cat had left the sack
The day computers died
I started singin'...
Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
Now for 10 years we've ignored the threat
And we haven't solved the problem yet
But that's not how it used to be
When the luddites read for the king and queen
with a light they filled with kerosene
And some manuals they stole from you and me
And while Bill Gates was looking pleased
Time stole his monopolies
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned
While Apple tried a color scheme
The engineers returned to steam
And we had purges of their dreams
The day computers died
We were singin'
Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
Intel inside in an iron smelter
The food leftover from my fallout shelter
Twinkies old and aging fast
I'd rather eat the grass
Q and A tried for a system crash
With the tester on the sidelines in a cast
Now the timeshare net was running Doom
While mainframes played a marching tune
We all tried to log in
Oh, but we never could begin
'Cause Cobol tried to take the field,
And Holerith refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed,
The day computers died?
We started singing
Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
There we were all in a state
A generation- really late
With no time left to start again
So come on mouse be nimble, mouse be quick
Don't let my spreadsheet data stick
Cause data is the devil's only friend.
As I watched him on my screen
My hands and face were drenched in steam
No angel born in hell
Could run that stupid shell
And as the ball climbed high into the night
To call the sacrificial night
I saw Dick Clark laughing with delight
the day computers died.
I met a girl with a cell phone
And I asked her for a dial tone
But she just smiled and turned away
I went down to the software store
Where I'd seen computers years before
But the man there said the games there
wouldn't play
And in the streets the children screamed
The lovers cried and the poets dreamed
their interface was spoken
The Internet was broken
And the three things I connect to most
The Website, Lan and the Network host
Every single one was toast
The day computers died
They were singin'
Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
THE TECHNO TERMS DICTIONARY
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes,
Minnesota**
* 486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
* STATE OF THE ART: Any computer you can't afford.
* OBSOLETE: Any computer you own.
* MICROSECOND: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become
obsolete.
* G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the
computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
* SYNTAX ERROR: Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a
computer and money is no object."
* HARD DRIVE: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially
after a Syntax Error.
* GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
(Pronounced, "gooey.")
* KEYBOARD: The standard way to generate computer errors.
* MOUSE: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
* FLOPPY: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
* PORTABLE COMPUTER: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home,
on vacation, and on business trips.
* DISK CRASH: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
* POWER USER: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
* SYSTEM UPDATE: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Mischeivous Brothers
There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were
exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it
turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits'
end trying to control them.
Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the
mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk
with the boys and he agreed.
The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but
said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother
sent the younger to the rabbi.
The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For
about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally,
the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man,
where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all
around, then said nothing.
Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is
God?" Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across
the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked,
"Young man, I ask you, where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother,
he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they
usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in
Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"
His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is
missing and they think we did it !!!"
Twas the before Y2K
**Contributed to Swenny' E-Mail Funnies by Jan Passion, somewhere in the
U.S.**
Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy
Wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!
His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too!
All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!
All the controls
That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus,
Set for attack.
His eyes-how they twinkled!
His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face
And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus
Quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty shout,
Happy Y2K to you all,
This is a helluva night!
General Motors vs. Microsoft
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had
kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all
be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the
gallon."
In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the
following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO) "If GM
had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have
to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
you would have to reinstall the engine.
4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by one "general car default" warning light.
7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.
8. The airbag system would say ("Are you sure?" before going off).
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio
antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they
neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option
would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50%
or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by
the Justice department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Received from Debster417.
Southern Edition - Windows 98
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park,
Minnesota**
Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN
EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one
of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The southern
edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98
with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a
Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.
Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SUTHERN EDITION:
OK: ats aw-right
Cancel: stopdat
Reset: try er agin
Yes: yep
No: noop
Find: hunt fer it
Go to: over yonder
Back: back yonder
Help: hep me out here
Stop: kwitit
Start: crank er up
Settings: sittins
Programs: stuff at duz stuff
Documents: stuff ah done did
Also note that SUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:
tiperiter: A word processing program
colerin book: a graphics program
cyferin mersheen: calculator
outhouse paper: notepad
jupe-box: CD Player
iner-net: Microsoft Explorer 4.0
pichers: A graphics viewer
irs: MS accounting software
irs2: MS accounting software with hidden files
tax records: usually an empty file
coon dog: American kennel club records
You'll recognize WINDERS 98 SUTHERN EDITION as it comes pre-loaded with
certain "Favorites" for browsing the Worldwide Web.
Fishin': Bass Anglers Sportsman Society
NRA: National Rifle Association
Shotgun: Remington Arms home page
Riffel: Winchester home page
Pistul: Smith & Wesson home page
Truck: Ford & Chevy dealers by zip code
House: Mobile home repair services & movers by zip code
Cuzzins: Complete database of southern residents (extremely long
download time)
Bud: List of Budweiser distributors by zip code
Rasin: NASCAR racing schedule with TV stations that carry the race
Car 'n truck parts: Junk yards by zip code
Doc: veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the
SUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho
Alabama Driver
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park,
Minnesota**
An Alabama State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-20.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
Arthritis and More
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Roman Gonzalez, Mexico City,
Mexico**
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled
guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
The Drunk and the Sheet
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lori Wichmann, Maple Grove,
Minnesota**
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to
the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly
filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started
yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets
in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had
watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all
about?"
Still staring down, the drunk replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a
ghost!"
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate
road for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and
he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he
suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to
himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110
and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and
examined it and the car.
"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't
feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for
your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I
was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
On the night shift
by Pellam O'Toole.
All the while you're sleeping,
Beneath the glowing stars,
Certain folks are keeping
Different hours than you are.
Even though the moon is high,
Far away from cozy beds,
Groups of working people
Have night-shift jobs instead.
Innkeepers at check-in desks,
Judges in night court,
Kitchen hands at truck stops,
Longshoremen at the port.
Maids at big resort hotels,
Nocturnal novel writers,
Orderlies in hospitals,
Protective firefighters.
Quiet guards in banks and shops,
Roll and bagel bakers,
Sales clerks in grocery stores,
Take-out pizza makers.
Underground repair crews,
Vendors at street-side stands,
Welders with heavy torches,
Xylophonists in loud bands.
Yeomen on the midnight watch,
Zookeepers stand on call.
With all this going on at night,
It's a wonder you sleep at all!
Understanding Your Paycheck:
Gross pay: $1222.02
Deductions:
Income Tax Outgo Tax State Tax Interstate Tax
244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89
County Tax City Tax Rural Tax Back Tax
6.11 12.22 4.44 1.11
Front Tax Side Tax Up Tax Down Tax
1.16 1.61 2.22 1.11
Tic-Tacs Thumbtacks Carpet Tacks Stadium Tax
1.98 3.93 0.98 0.69
Flat Tax Surtax Ma'am Tax Parking Fee
8.32 3.46 2.60 5.00
No Parking Fee F.i.c.a. T.g.i.f. Life Ins.
10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85
Health Ins. Disability Ability Liability Ins.
16.23 2.50 0.25 3.41
Dental Ins. Mental Ins. Reassurance. Coffee
4.50 4.33 0.11 6.85
Coffee Cups Calendar Floor Rental Chair Rental
66.51 3.06 16.85 4.32
Desk Rental Union Dues Union Don'ts Cash Advances
4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69
Cash Retreats Overtime Undertime Eastern Time
121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00
Central Time Mountain Time Pacific Time GMT
8.00 7.00 6.00 24.00
Bathroom Time Time Out Oxygen Water
4.44 12.21 10.02 16.54
Electricity Heat Air Conditioning
38.23 51.42 46.83
Misc
144.38
Take Home Pay: $0000.02
(this is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from)
Just 4 Laughs!
CORPORATE LESSONS
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit noticed the crow, and asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral Of The Story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral Of The Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral Of The Story:
You don't need brains to be a Boss -- any asshole will do.
Justin and Christian
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Brendan Croft, Melbourne,
Australia**
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The
prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled
the area.
Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian I'm bored
and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have
any worries about being eaten... As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a
predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin
turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of
being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming
bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he
came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance
was the cause of his sad plight.
During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force
could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in
stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash
of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned
back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends
and bought them all a cocktail. (The punchline does not involve a prawn
cocktail - it s much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he
searched for his old pal.
Where's Christian? he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and
became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old
friend. Come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way, man. You ll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I
will not be tricked."
Justin cried back, "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed........."I'm a prawn again, Christian...!!!"
Inheritance
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ajay Ambastha, Mumbai, India**
Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge
of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world
caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and
left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew
kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"I'd like that."
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a
million."
"The how come you look so glum?"
"This week - nothing!"
**Swenny is in St. Cloud, Minnnesota**
A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper. He got an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall.
After several weeks he realized that whenever he looked at the wall he saw this old Jew praying vigorously.
The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says: "You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?"
The old Jew replies: "What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is taken by the old Jew's sincerity and persistence. "You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?"
The old Jew nods.
"How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?"
The old Jew becomes reflective and then replies: "How long? Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."
The journalist is flabbergasted. "You mean you have been coming to the wall every day for all those years to pray for these things?"
The old Jew nods.
The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it feel to come and pray every day for over many years for these things?"
The old Jew replies: "How does it feel? It feels like I'm talking to a wall."
--
Jorge del Castillo
jdel@nwu.edu
Tongue Twister
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter
Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers? If Peter
Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
Betty Botter had some butter,
But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter--
that would make my batter better."
So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
and she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So it was better Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.
Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.
A big black bug bit a big black bear,
made the big black bear bleed blood.
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
Pope Sixtus VI's six texts.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
Surely Sylvia swims!" shrieked Sammy, surprised.
Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink."
Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets.
Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.
A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.
A bitter biting bittern
Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern
Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten,
By the better bitten bittern,
Said "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw!
The boot black bought the black boot back.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would
if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
We surely shall see the sun shine soon.
Which witch wished which wicked wish?
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed
shilly-shallied south.
These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;
sheep should sleep in a shed.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu
choose the shoes he chews?
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
Six sharp smart sharks.
What a shame such a shapely sash
should such shabby stitches show.
Sure the ship's shipshape, sir.
Pick a Letter
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Mel Rotz, Redlands, California**
Here you go!!!! This really WORKS !!! It only takes about 30 seconds. Don't
cheat!
Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Keep going!
Think of an animal that begins with that letter. Repeat it out loud as you
scroll down. Think of a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter
in that animal. Say it out loud as you scroll down.
Keep going!
Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not
using to scroll down.
Keep going!
Take the hand you counted with, smack yourself in the head, and get back to
work, and quit playing stupid email games!
The Phone Call
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes,
mother, I've had a hard day. Kelli-Ann has been most difficult - I
know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.
Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she
was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you
begged me not to marry her.
You were perfectly right.
You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the
telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Kelli-Ann, your mother wants to talk to you!
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia.
An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local
court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her
feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children
into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer
also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the
story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from
his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a
candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
Love Happens
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jan Passion, Somewhere in the
United States**
Customer: I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What
do I do first?
CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART
ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it
okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and
RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your
current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will
no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite
LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE.; However, you
have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs
prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off.. Can you tell me how?
CS Rep: My pleasure.Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do
this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been
completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically.
Is that normal?
CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall
for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.You need to
begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep: What does the message say? Customer: It says "ERROR 412 -PROGRAM NOT
RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS." What does that mean?
CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE
program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your
HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in
non-technical terms it means you have to LOVE your own machine before it can
LOVE others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep: Can you find the directory called SELF-ACCEPTANCE?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the
MYHEART directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT,and
GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin
patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from
all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it
is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files.
SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM,
PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!
CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it
from here. One more thing before I go...
Customer: Yes?
Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to
everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they
will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
Thoughts on Golf
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs
and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it
is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in
front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too
often.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play
eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor
players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before
swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot
count, criticize or laugh.
Just 4 Laughs!
Chocolate Test
IF YOU WERE BUYING CANDY AND YOU HAD YOUR CHOICE OF THE
FOLLOWING WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
BABY RUTH
3 MUSKETEERS
BUTTER FINGERS
SNICKERS
HERSHEY'S
ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS
CLARK BAR
GOOD'n'PLENTY
ENERGY BAR
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS.
OK - NOW THAT WE HAVE YOUR CHOICE,
THIS IS WHAT RESEARCH SAYS ABOUT YOU!!!
And NO....you can't change your mind once you scroll
down....!!!! So think carefully, what your choice will be!!!
BABY RUTH - Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy
items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need a little eat like an
icecream cone at the end of the day.
3 MUSKETEERS - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of
underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip
out your saber.
BUTTER FINGERS - Smooth articulate, you are an excellent
after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and
chew gum at the same time.
SNICKERS - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys
being around you. But you are a practical joker -- others should be
cautious in shaking hands!
HERSHEY'S - Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other
people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt and get
gushy if held too close.
ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS--Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very
energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is
always attracted to you.
CLARK BAR--You like sports, whether baseball, football,
basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate,
but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote
control.
GOOD'N'PLENTY--You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh.
You are fun to be with. People like to go to the movies with you.
Children find you amusing. You are a very warm hearted person.
ENERGY BAR--You are very active. You are so active, life is passing
you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum.
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS--You go to the bathroom often.
Just 4 Laughs!
In The News...
Hard Labor: "Millions of Americans welcomed Labor Day. It's the one
day they can escape the grueling drudgery of surfing the Internet at
work." (Joshua Sostrin)
Being A Stooge: A National Constitution Center survey reveals only
41% of teens can name the three branches of government but 59% can
name the Three Stooges. "There's a difference. The Three Stooges
are much more cerebral." (Hamilton)
Around the World: Twenty-six million copies of "Titanic" have been
manufactured. "To put that in perspective, that's enough VHS tape to
circle the planet 260 times of James Cameron's head twice." (Steve
Voldseth)
Event Planning: The FDA approved a prescription morning-after pill
that can prevent pregnancy. "Prescription? IF you thought that far
ahead, you wouldn't need the pill." (Hamilton)
Saving the Show!: The rating for this year's Miss America pageant
dropped 25%. "To increase ratings next year, pageant officials are
considering dropping the talent portion of the show." (David
Christensen)
Up to the Minute: Candice Bergen is giving up her gig as spokeswoman
for Sprint. "Yep. She stopped on a dime." (Premiere Radio)
Express Yourself: Madonna has put her daughter, Lourdes, on the
waiting list for the exclusive Cheltenham Ladies College Boarding
School in England. "First, the phony British accent. Now this? What
next? Divorcing a member of the royal family?" (Premiere)
Shall We Dance?: Olympics insiders say ballroom dancing may become an
Olympic event in 2008. "Suddenly, the 'agony of defeat' includes a
broken high heel and a run in your pantyhose." (Jerry Perisho)
Well, Duh!: A damaged painting by Leonardo da Vinci has been
restored. "Upon hearing this, a teenage girl said, 'Like, I totally
didn't know Leonardo DiCaprio's brother was a painter. That family is
sooo talented.' " (Alex Kaseberg)
Friendly Skies: A Chinese man who stowed away on a three-hour flights
from Shanghai to Tokyo by clinging to the landing gear of a jumbo jet
was reported by police to be alive and conscious when the plane
landed. "