Note: These are L-O-N-G files with lots of jokes and stuff. Hit "back" to escape or print them if you dare!
Idiots & Retail
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I
signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared
that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.
Idiots & Geography
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss
said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just
kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia.
He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
Advice For Idiots
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees:
"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
Idiots in the Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the
Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being
hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Idiots & Computers
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they
have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from
a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've
got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys
have a fire downtown?"
Idiots Are Easy To Please
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented
that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab
partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained
to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount
of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
Idiots In Food Service
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He
said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
An Idiot's Idiot
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing
a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a
photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the
copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought
the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
When pagers first came out, we (INS Agents) used to tell criminals that his pager would beep if they were lying. Most believed that the pager was telling us when they were lying. Worked like a charm for a while.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lanteern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pie
Three mice walked into a pub. The first mouse bragged, "When I see a mousetrap, I set it off and when the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench-press it 20 times to work up an appetite and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse bragged, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I grind it up and add it to my coffee to build up my strength."
The third mouse said, "Can't stay long. I've got a date with a cat."
A Buddhist monk strode into a Zen pizza parlor and siad, "Mke me one with everything." When he got his order, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill, which the guy pocketed. "Hey," asked the monk, "where's my change?"
"Change, " replied toe owner inscrutably, "must come from within."
My uncle testified at a trial of an organized crime boss back in NJ and then begged to be put into the witness-protection program.
Instead, the FBI got him a job at K-Mart -- it's been 6 months and no one's been able to find him.
Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your
reason and your judgement wage war against your
passion and your appetite.
Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the
sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can
but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion,
unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of
passion, that it may sing;
And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion
may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the
phoenix rise above its own ashes.
I would have you consider your judgement and your appetite
even as you would two loved guests in your house.
Surely you would not honour one guest above the other; for
he who is more mindful of one loses the love and the faith of both.
Among the hills, when you sit in the cool shade of the white
poplars, sharing the peace ands serenity of distant fields and
meadows - then let your heart say in silence, 'God rests in reason.'
And when the storm comes, and the mighty wind shakes the
forest, and thunder and lightning proclaim the majesty of the
sky, - then let your heart say in awe, 'God moves in passion.'
And since you are a breath in God's sphere, and a leaf in
God's forest you too should rest in reason and move in passion.
Fastest Thing in the World
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Tom Berglind, Fargo, North Dakota**
There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and NUS. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview. Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
The young man thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all -- it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale. "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
The young man paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."
The president thanked him, then called in the next person.
The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."
"I see, very good," replied the president.
Then, the young man from NUS was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK or TURN ON THE LIGHTS..., I pooped all over myself!!!!!"
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Karen Isaak, Denver, Colorado**
A little boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a
part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy beams, "I play the part of the husband!"
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell your teacher you want a
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Karen Isaak, Denver, CO**
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches
the boy and says,
"Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate."
Little Tommy is confused so he says to her, "That word is too big. I have no
idea what it means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
Axioms for the Internet age
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, MN**
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like home.com!
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when we first practice.
25. speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net
and he won't bother you for weeks.
TWENTY NEW MANAGEMENT STYLES
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps
away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have
disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with
their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts
keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their
'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If he is
good, He knows what she must do.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give
answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of
the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely
satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret
kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at
all. Beware of simulants from category 5!
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they
got more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in
the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the
lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also
wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and
congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn,
the further they get from the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles?
These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management
style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody
ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few
hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are
really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the
organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And
Clearer Way Of Communication )
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly
18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that
promise is to low to remember.
Just 4 Laughs!
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel
involved submitted this to the Sunday Times.
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you, S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my
instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope
this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did
not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of
soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added
3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going
to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them. S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which
were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where
your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your
convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are
always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and
which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please
let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid, Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off
duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those
little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought
I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel
soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3
bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated
24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to
your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further
assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room
since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time
they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?! I came in last night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of
Camay. I want my one bar of bath-size Dial! Do you realize I have
54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please
give me back my bath-size Dial.
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing
so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken
and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't
know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid,
Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24
Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea
this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some
bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory. As of today I possess:
-- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
-- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
-- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
-- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
-- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
-- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
-- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of
more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom
window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future
soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of
bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to
avoid further misunderstandings.
Ten Things that Piss Me Off
by Adam Sandler
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eric Hernandez, Pleasanton,
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my
watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask
where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for
the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck
off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it
is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No, dicknose,
I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at frikken ceiling up there.
7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink
and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey.
You're blind for God's sake!
8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a
choice, did ya there buddy?
9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there
has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must
have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were
going? You should know, asshole, you fucking pulled me over!
Attention Deficit Disorder?
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So......... what's the problem?
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think,"I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes,
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two
Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen sie Deutsch sprechen?" he
says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustes espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishman turns to
the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language..."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him
Slick comments & questions about contemporary life.
I'd put my wife on a pedestal, but I don't have the money to rent acrane.
Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.
My dad's a fisherman and for Christmas I decided to get him someweapons of bass destruction.
Love is when your 21-year-old daughter comes home from college for the holidays and still wants to be tucked in at night.
Just who is J.D. Power and how do you get to be one of his associates?
Being a widow will lose one more friends than having a baby, getting a divorce or giving up alcohol.
When do the golden years kick in? I'm 85 and still in the achingyears.
My speed-reading course must be paying off: I just read an entireepisode of "Cathy" at one sitting.
The first-degree murder charges against Dr. Jack Kavorkian lead us towonder: If he is convicted and sentenced, will he be allowed to givehimself the lethal injection?
House work is something you do that nobody notices unless you don't do it.
Meg Ryan could be bald and she would still be better looking than you.
If Superman is so smart, why is his underwear on the outside?
One of these days, my kids are going to understand "Because I said so" is a perfectly good answer.
Just 4 Laughs!
After all those male bashing jokes floating around, someone finally
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, which do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90%.......wedding cake
Seems this city preacher went to a little country church one Sunday to
preach. Just one man showed up. The preacher debated with himself as
whether to have services or not, but finally said to himself, I getting paid
anyway, so I'll preach anyway.
So he preached and preached and preached some more. Finally he finished and
went to the back to shake the man's hand. He asked him "Well, brother, how
did you like the sermon?". The man replied it was fine but a might long.
The preacher responded, ""Well, I can tell by your hands you are a farmer,
so, when you go out to feed your cows and only one shows up you still feed
that one cow don't you?". The farmer looks at his feet and replies "Yeah,
but not enough for the whole herd."
Men & Women
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The
kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck.
There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes
on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under
the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family
room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp
had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys,
to look for his wife.
He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had
happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her
pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked
how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home
from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes," was his reply.
She said, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
Just 4 Laughs!
On Creativity, Innovation and Learning
There is a BIG difference between reality and perception and actuality and all that. Reading various books written by experts, one can come across the reality that bumble bees, based on generally accepted aeronautical principles, are incapable of flight.
And speaking of flight, how about the case of those nutty guys from a bike shop in Dayton Ohio who thought they could actually build a device that coule fly! No Way! (Way.) They had just the right mix of experience, mechanical ability, ingenuity, creativity and theory to combine with their skills to enable them to design a "heavier than air craft" that might actually fly. Then, after a few crashes and all that, they could actually fly the thing.
We see the same thing in business and industry when it comes to learning, people, and technology. There are so many tools available for people to gain insight and skills, inexpensively. One issue is that the Big Training Businesses (which could never have conceived and much less designed an airplane and, with industry consolidation, have become even bigger) all seem to think that they have the knowledge and the capability to design these learning craft. At Big Cost to the learning organization.
Yet the internet provides the little guys with the same tools and the same access to information. Methinks the first "Flyer" is near at hand.
Have You Noticed?
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to
stuff junk mail in there with them!
I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in.
Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, MN**
My grandfather, Tom Omlie, worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and
he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened
himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he
would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each
hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long
as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound sacks and finally
he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold
his arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and
back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.
Jesse James: I can list among my experience and skills: leadership,
extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of
firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I'd
like to think of myself as a people person.
Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the
Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
Lucrezia Borgia: My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the
department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by
Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new
Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I
downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several
Macbeth: Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of
guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
Lady Godiva: What do mean, this isn't 'business casual'?
Elvis: My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?
Received from Lee Daniel Quinn.
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Tom Berglind, Fargo, ND
Smiling is infectious,
you catch it like the flu,
When someone smiled at me today,
I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner
and someone saw my grin
When he smiled I realized
I'd passed it on to him .
I thought about that smile
then I realized its worth,
A single smile, just like mine
could travel round the earth.
So, if you feel a smile begin,
don't leave it undetected
Let's start an epidemic quick,
and get the world infected!
Of Cats and Dogs
Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com
(Hi Everyone, Bruce is one of my favorite humor writers. I send only
select pieces, so if you want to see all of Bruces work, sign up for
his list. Smiles, Morgan)
Much to the delight of the squirrels in my neighborhood, I have hung
a birdfeeder just outside my back window. This has immediately
become a source of great concern to my dog and cat, both of whom race
over to the window the moment a gray squirrel drops by for breakfast.
I must say, watching their diverse approaches, I am struck by the
truism that you can raise two pets the same way in the same house and
still have them turn out totally different.
The cat stealthily climbs into a chair and tightens down like a
coiled spring, only the tip of her tail flicking, the rest of her
motionless, watching, watching.
The dog sits at the window and begins panting as if all the oxygen
has left the room. Quaking with excitement, she can't help the high
whine and small yips of consternation which characterize every
heaving breath. After less than a minute of increasing agitation,
she finally launches herself face-first into the glass, smacking the
window with the sound of a baseball bat knocking one out of the park.
Initially, the squirrels reacted to this head-butt with a panic-
stricken flight, racing to the tree tops to sit and scream rodent
obscenities. This infuriated the cat, who would turn to the dog with
a "that's NOT how you do it!" expression and rake her claws across
the nose of my canine, who would look to me for justice. I ruled I
do not have jurisdiction in this dispute.
After a time, however, the squirrels, (despite having a brain pan
significantly smaller than my slobbering dog), realized that the
glass barrier between them and their mortal enemies affords all the
protection they need. Now, when the dog launches herself into the
window, the squirrels pause only momentarily.
Squirrel # 1: That stupid dog just threw itself into the window
Squirrel # 2: Ha ha. Pass the sunflower seeds, please.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the glass, this is what my two
squirrel-killing pets are thinking:
Cat: If I sit here long enough, they will become accustomed to my
presence. Then one day the weather will turn warm and the window
will be open, and I will make my move.
Another way in which the two differ is in their relationship to food.
The dog's dinner consists of what appears to be compressed cardboard
pellets, the ingredients listed on the bag making frequent use of the
words "crude" and "by-products." As in: Crude Animal By-Products:
30% Crude Recycled Machine Parts By-Products: 15%. When I serve
this inedible stuff to my dog, she swallows it so forcefully you can
almost see it slamming into her intestines.
When I serve the cat's dinner, the look I get in return clearly
communicates, "What? Lobster again? I had this last week! You're
going to be in big trouble when your wife finds out about THIS!" To
enforce her point, the cat will spend the rest of the day walking
around the room with her nose in the air, pretending I don't exist.
Only a feast of fresh squirrel would redeem me, and when it becomes
apparent I'm not going to open the window, the cat curls into a
sullen ball in the corner. The dog puts her head in my lap and begs
forgiveness for anything she may have done wrong in her entire life.
At night, both pets choose to sleep in my room, the cat's eyes
narrowing to slits if I dare to disturb her as I climb into bed. The
dog drops into slumber with a sigh and begins twitching and moaning
in her sleep, no doubt dreaming of throwing herself head-first into
the window. The cat darts off the mattress to do some night hunting,
but she'll be back, leaping silently through the air to land feet-
first on my crotch.
It really irritates me that my wife refers to these painful assaults
as "pin-point landings."
The cat was my low tech answer to the family of mice which discovered
that our dryer vent led to a wonderful world of fluffy warm clothes.
The first time our feline hunted down one of the little rodents, she
proudly brought the squirming thing back to our bed, which resulted
in a considerable amount of screaming and hysterical raving. My wife
was unhappy as well.
Now that we have no mice, I consider the cat superfluous. The cat
feels the same way about me. The dog, on the other hand, becomes
inconsolable when I am out of sight for even a moment. If I am
locked in another room, the dog will lie on the floor and put her
nose to the crack under the door, inhaling so forcefully it is as if
she believes she can snort me right out of the room. When I finally
emerge, the dog acts like I've been gone for a month, licking me and
running around in circles. The cat appears pretty disgusted at these
For all their differences, though, the two pets are united in their
loathing for the audacious squirrels in the birdfeeder. Though they
have absolutely no chance of ever catching one, I think maybe
sometime soon I'm going to open the window and let them try.
I'll let you know what happens.
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 19989
Confrontation at the Vet's
One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and
the receptionist were verbally sparring.
After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense.
"Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office???"
Just 4 Laughs!
"Differences Between You and Your Boss"
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he' s only human.
When doing something without being told,
you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette,you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
An Older Women
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, MN**
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.
An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know...
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!
Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to screw you too.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.
What I Want In a Man
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Karen Isaak, Denver, CO
What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends
The 8 Worst Convenience Foods
8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA):
Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports):
The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty -looking sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already."
The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.):
If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.
5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.):
From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone."
4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery):
You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?
3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products):
Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.
2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy):
This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up a cracker spread.
1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.):
Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.
[from Dilbert Newsletter 25.0]
I received an emotional letter of complaint after a strip in which
Dilbert used the expression "jeepers cripes." The writer chastised
me for using the Lord's name in vain.
I can only pray that the almighty Gosh will not darn me to heck
for offending his son, Jeepers.
16 Ways to Recognize a Company Car!
1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
4. They can take bumps at twice the speed on private cars.
5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to be checked nearly so often.
6. They have a much tighter turning radius.
7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.
8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.
9. They do not have to be garaged at night.
10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning light on.
11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.
12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.
13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the car is still in forward motion.
14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.
15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by the adjustment of the radio volume control.
16. No security is need. They may be left anywhere, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition.
Just 4 Laughs!
John Triplett sent in a Heartland America catalog advertising baseballs that were "hand-signed by Mickey Mantle before his death."
W. Michael Frazier sent in an editorial from the Dec. 6, 1997, Huntington, W.Va., Herald-Dispatch containing this statement: "We believe if you have too much to drink at a holiday party, insist on driving yourself home."
Susan Olp sent in an Associated Press story concerning a lawsuit verdict in which a lawyer is quoted as saying: "It sends a message to gas companies in Wyoming that gas companies better operate safely because people are not going to tolerate being blown up."
Thomas Caufield sent in an Aug. 11, 1996, San Jose Mercury-News story about a Stanford University instructor, containing this statement: "Since his suspension, Dolph has continued working as a manager in the university's lab for cadavers. In that position, he deals mainly with faculty members, Jacobs said."
Several readers sent in a June 19, 1998, Associated Press story concerning a Vermont high-school student who disrobed during her graduation speech; the story quotes school administrators as saying the incident "was not reflective of our student body."
Renee Harber sent in a police log from the July 24, 1997, Corvallis (Ore.) Gazette Times containing this entry: "12:38 p.m. July 20 -- report that a man near the Crystal Lake boat ramp was threatening to kill the next person he saw wearing a kilt."
Just 4 Laughs!
Male Answer Syndrome
In the animal kingdom, males exhibit what is known as "display
behavior" in order to attract females and to ward off rival males.
They thrust out their chests, ruffle their plumage, and generally try
to appear more impressive than they really are. On nature shows, this
is comic. It appears comic, too, when it shows up among humans: the
guy in the Camaro with all the gold chains, say, or Vanilla Ice's
haircut. It has been discovered that display behavior is much more
common among humans than had been previously believed.
Have you ever wondered why:
* Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the
mentality of the Japanese?
* Men who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for dealing
with the national debt?
* Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to
achieve peace in the Middle East?
* Men who flunked high-school physics can explain what went wrong at
* Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women really
Try an experiment: Ask my friend Jeff, who spends his weekends
fixing up his Harley and watching female mud wrestling, how he thinks
political autonomy will affect the economies of the Baltic states.
His brow will furrow; he will purse his lips thoughtfully. "It's
interesting that you mention that...," he will begin, and then he
will come up with something-probably nothing remotely feasible, but
This behavior-the chronic answering of questions regardless of actual
knowledge is known as Male Answer Syndrome. The compulsion to answer
varies from person to person, but few men are happy saying, "I don't
know." They prefer, "That's not what's important here."
They try not to get bogged down by petty considerations, such as, "Do
I know anything about this subject?" or "Is what I have to say
interesting?" They take a broad view of questions, treating them less
as requests for specific pieces of information than as invitations to
expand on some theories, air a few prejudices, and tell a couple of
jokes. Some men seem to regard life as a talk show on which they are
the star guest. If you ask, "What is the capital of Peru?" they hear,
"So tell us a bit about your early years, Bob."
Sometimes this expansiveness is appealing. If you ask a woman, "Why
did Madonna go on the David Letterman Show?" she will simply shrug
helplessly, acknowledging that some things are simply unknowable. A
man, on the other hand, will come up with a few theories (she has the
same agent? overdose of Prozac). Men have the courage and
inventiveness to try to explain the inexplicable.
But Male Answer Syndrome (MAS) is by no means harmless, as my friend
Pauline discovered at the age of 8. She had found that eating ice
cream made her teeth hurt and asked her father whether Eskimos had
the same problem. "No," he said. "They have rubber teeth." Pauline
repeated this information in a geography lesson and found herself the
laughing stock of the class. That was how she learned that a man,
even if he is your own father, would rather make up an answer than
admit to his ignorance.
Later in life women run into the same problem: Men can speak with
such conviction that women may be fooled into thinking that they
actually know what they're talking about.
My friend Jeff (he of the Harley) is full of expertise on subjects as
diverse as global warming and Elvis' current whereabouts. In reality,
however, he is an expert at only one thing: making very little
knowledge go a very long way. For him answering is a game, and not
knowing what he's talking about just adds to the thrill.
Expressing skepticism can be highly inflammatory. Even mild-mannered
Abe Lincoln types may react to, "Are you sure about that?" as a
vicious slur on their manhood and find themselves backing up a
ludicrous assertion with spurious facts.
Many women actively encourage male answering behavior. There is in
the female correlative condition known as the Say What? Complex.
Women who behind closed doors expound eloquently on particle physics
may be found, in male company, gaping at the news that the earth is
MAS tends to be mild until puberty; boys begin to speak with
authority on matters of foreign policy at the same time they start to
grow facial hair. And how MAS developed: Since killing wooly mammoths
and attacking enemies with rocks are now frowned upon, and since
shirts open to the navel are not appropriate in every social
situation, men prove their masculinity by concocting elaborate
theories about football.
Growing awareness of MAS has led some to call for a moratorium on all
male-female conversation. This is alarmist. But care should be taken.
Women must remind themselves that if a man tells them something
particularly interesting there is a good chance that it is
Just 4 Laughs!
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, " and I shall hew the
young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood.
Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The accountant must marry
the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE
Just 4 Laughs!
TIPS FOR A LIFETIME
1) Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
2) Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle - perfect shaped pancakes every time.
3) To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
4) To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.
5) Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan-the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.
6) To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
7) To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top - skillet will be much easier to clean.
8) Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces - no more stains.
9) When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead - no white mess on the outside of the cake.
10) If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato - it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".
11) Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator - it will keep for weeks.
12) Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
13) Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it back up.
14) When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
15) To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh - if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
16) Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
17) Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
18) If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
19) Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
20) To get rid of itch from mosquito bite: try applying soap on the area, instant relief.
21) Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march - see for yourself.
22) Use air-freshener to clean mirrors: It does a good job and better still,leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
23) When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
24) NOW Look what you can do with Alka-Seltzer: Clean a toilet - drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china. Clean a vase - to remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. Polish jewelry - drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. Clean a thermos bottle - fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). Unclog a drain- clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.
25) If your VCR has a year setting on it, which most do, you will not be able to use the programmed recording feature after 12/31/99. don't throw it away. INSTEAD, set it for the year 1972 as the days are the same as the year 2000. The manufacturers won't tell you. They want you to buy a new Y2K VCR. Pass this along to all your friends.
Thinking Too Deep
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, MN**
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll
inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road.
That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the
message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run
to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way,
when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your
fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the
bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember
that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.
That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a
lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off,
and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
You always find something in the last place you look.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That
person must be fired.
Them that has, gets. Them that has most, gets most.
There is always one more bug.
No matter how drunk you are, you can't fall off the floor.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the
first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
Keeping Your Composure
* Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip Lil Abner, was one day
invited to a university to give a lecture to the students. Before he
could begin speaking to the large group assembled in the auditorium a
very unkempt-looking student at the back shouted a vulgar word at
The word rung in everyone's ears. There was a shocked silence but
Capp, keeping his composure, said: "Now that you've given us your
name, what's your question ?"
* A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he
came face to face with a rival.The street was too narrow for two to
pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said
haughtily: "I never make way for fools !" Smiling, the professor
stepped aside and said :" I always do. "
* A politician, who was very small-sized, was often derided by an
opponent, a tall, well-built man. One day the opponent walked up to
him, looked down sneeringly and said loudly :"You know, I could just
swallow you up!" "In that event," said the little fellow, looking
up," you would have more brains in your stomach than you'll ever have
in your head!"
* At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young
man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He
was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up
and smirked :"Is this pig?"
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly :"Which end of the
fork are you refering to ?"
Just 4 Laughs!
TALES TRAINERS TELL
--as told by John Sleigh
You have to believe--
A keen bush-walker was exploring a little-used path in a rain
forest. The path was slippery, narrow and on a ledge. Above were
sheer cliffs for 200 metres. He looked down and saw sheer cliff
for three hundred metres.
As any mountain climber will tell you, once your stomach is at
the bottom of a ravine it is only a short time until the rest of
you wants to join it. He slipped. Now, you might think that is
bad luck, but he was not one to think negative thoughts and he
knew that it is not the fall that hurts, it is the sudden stop
at the end. Halfway down he managed to grip the branch of a tree
growing from the side of the cliff. He hung on with all of his
might, but he thought this is not enough. Fortunately he had
just finished a public speaking program and he recalled the
He took a deep breath and made his opening statement: "Help!" he
shouted. Remembering the value of repetition, he called again:
"Help! Is there anyone up there?"
It would be inaccurate to say that he was surprised when a voice
boomed down from the clouds: "Yes?"
He replied: "Can you get me up from here?"
The voice continued: "Of course. But first I must be certain
that you believe in me."
"I believe, I believe"
"Then let go of the branch!"
He paused, thought, reviewed, then continued: "Is there anybody
else up there?"
John Sleigh is the publisher of the popular newsletter "TRICKS
TRAINERS TRADE" which contains two structured experiences each
week. To subscribe, or to explore resources for "Making Learning
Fun," visit John's website at
An Ode To Furballs
1. After dark, all cats are jaguars...
2. Never *ever* try to baptize a cat.
3. Cats are smarter than dogs. You cannot get
a cat to pull a sled.
4. A cat knows your every thought. It doesn't care.
But it knows .
5. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I
will put shoes on my cat ...
6. Most people with cats, know they are being
controlled. That's the horror of it ...
7. Never try to out stubborn a cat .
8. Thousands of years ago ,humans worshiped
the cat . They have not forgotten this . . .
9. Whenever I bathe my cat, it takes an hour to
get the fur off of my tongue.
10. I prefer to live with Feline Sapiens, thank you
11. (picture of a fat tabby on a couch , looking at his
owner, "My species domesticated your species... "
Just 4 Laughs!
TRAINING YOUR HUMAN
Training your human is a thankless task.
"Why bother with it?", some kittens may ask.
The fate of the world is the issue at hand,
as felines worldwide stake a claim for their land.
Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint.
We spray in the corners to drive home the point.
Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth,
But they've no fangs or claws, for what that's worth.
The cat is the ultimate species, you see,
We're poised to usurp man's authority.
These silly old humans who cannot play nice!
We cats are peaceful, we hate only mice.
Just what does training your human entail?
A host of fun things you must do without fail:
The sofas and rugs need a little makeover.
The La-Z-Boy's target for kitty takeover.
Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath.
And make their best clothing a target of wrath.
Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug.
Then tatter the pile of the new berber rug.
And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose,
paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes.
Strut on the mantle. If they give any flack,
knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac.
Shed on mom's new velvet black evening gown,
as she's headed out for a night on the town.
If they leave you home all alone for the night,
(Any human doing this can't be all that bright),
They're telling you by leaving, it's perfectly all right,
To totally redecorate 'til dawn's early light.
Knock over tables and chew up the fern.
Hurry, go faster! Soon, they'll return...
When they try to punish, you mustn't show concern.
(All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn).
A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse,
but they will try harder to scold you, of course!
So, hide in the closet until they forget,
and then launch out just like an F-14 jet.
Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand,
then when they've had all the pain they can stand,
dart from the room while they call 9-1-1,
and celebrate victory: The felines have won!
To humans, however, the battle's begun,
as they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.
Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot,
My friend, human dominance is really a hoot.
Take charge in your home. It's destiny, meow.
(The verses above have already told how).
So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow,
And then train your human, beginning right now.
Just 4 Laughs!
Interesting Facts from the 1500's
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jimmy Rubin, Tempe, Arizona**
Life in the 1500s This is really interesting (and TRUE!!)
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May
and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to
smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the
privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was
so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets.. dogs, cats
and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived inthe roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animalswould slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppingscould really mess
up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and
hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful
big 4 poster beds with canopies. I wonder if this is where we get the saying,
"Good night and don't let the bed bugs bite."
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the
saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in
the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their
footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you
opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was
placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold."
They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate
vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner
leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the
next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a
month. Hence the rhyme: "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that
happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it
to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring
home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with
tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes.. for 400 years.
Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood
with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a
lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they
would get "trench mouth."
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes
knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the
kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat
and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding
England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury
people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house
and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were
found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been
burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist
and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for
the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was
"saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer."
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo,
and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at
the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for
the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast
as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.
Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake
of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker
cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates
the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related
performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of
leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot
keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few
that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption
can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its
technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into
those bars! DRINK that pint; Your company and country need you to
be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you
Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be!
Just 4 Laughs!
WHAT'D HE SAY?
I was on a Southwest flight with 1 male flight attendant and 2
female. These were the male flight attendant instructions:
My ex-wife and my new girlfriend will show you how to buckle a safety
belt. Put the small clip into the large buckle and pull tightly
across your lips, oops I mean hips. Any carry on items should be
stored under the seat in front of you leaving no leg room. If you
check the seat pocket in front of you (God only knows what is in it
after the last flight) there should be an instruction card. If you
are flying with children, we're sorry .....but assist the child with
their mask after yours. Feel free to ask any female flight attendant
for assistance. Thelma & Louise are now going through the cabin to
check that your seat belts are fastened. Welcome aboard, have a
pleasant flight and yes this is a uniform. We have been cleared for
As soon as Captain Crunch turns off the seat belt sign, you may take
your things off....... the plane with you.
Just 4 Laughs!
Wise Advice From Kids
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
I'M NOT OLD... JUST MATURE
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."
Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit... not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old... I'm only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray... saying "blond" is just right.
My car is all paid for... not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer... get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches... not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."
My friends all get older... much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles... for sure,
But don't call me old... just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take... your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running... in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old... I'm only mature.
Just 4 Laughs!
A New Outlook on Life
**Contributed by to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Dawn Sather, Cota de Caza, California via Karen Isaak, Denver, Colorado**
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the
doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You`re really
doing great, aren`t you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, `Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn`t say that. I said you got a heart murmur.
Ten Ways to Know if You have PMS
Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says "How's my driving? Call 1-800-000-0000".
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
You're counting down the days until menopause.
You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you insane.
The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Just 4 Laughs!
DID YOU KNOW? The Men of the Declaration of Independence
Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?
Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured. Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War. They signed and they pledged their lives, their Fortunes, and their sacred honor.
What kind of men were they?
Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants. Nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated. But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.
Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.
Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.
Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.
At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.
Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.
John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart.
Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates. Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor."
They gave you and me a free and independent America. The history books never told you a lot of what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't just fight the British. We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government. Some of us take these liberties so much for granted... we shouldn't. So, take a couple of minutes and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid.
Editor's note: To our present day politicians: Thomas McKeam served in the Congress WITHOUT PAY.
Excerpted from POOR ROLO'S E-MANAC
by Fred Auerbach
A guy walks into a restaurant very hungry and impatient. After looking
the menu over he decides on a bowl of chili. After ordering his meal he
notices the man at the next table was not eating his bowl of chili.
Being as hungry as he was he politely says to the man "Excuse me sir,
I'm very hungry and impatient. I noticed you have not been eating your
chili. If it's allright with you, could I have your chili and when mine
arrives I will give it to you". The man looks over at him with no answer
but just a blank look on his face. Feeling that this was a "yes" answer
the guy proceeds to take the man's chili and begins to eat fast and
When he reaches the bottom of the bowl he notices a dead mouse lying at
the bottom. He then barfs up all the chili back into the bowl. Catching
his breath he looks over to the man at the next table and says "Did you
see that". The man looks over and says "Yeah, that's about as far as I
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Don't you still have those big red trucks?"
The Alabamian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
"No," he replied.
A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"
"No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
An Alabamian hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln
The Alabamian noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front
seat and asked, "What are those things for?" The driver said,
"They're to hold my balls while I drive."
"Boy," exclaimed the Alabamian, "these Lincoln Continentals have everything, don't they?"
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and, when the comely
waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie".
She slaps his face and says, " Now would you please give me your order."
Again, he says "I want a quickie."
She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance; what do you
Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I
think it's pronounced `quiche." A quickie
A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and, when the comely
waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie".
She slaps his face and says, " Now would you please give me your order."
Again, he says "I want a quickie."
She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance; what do you
Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I
think it's pronounced `quiche."
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of pain on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm
can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
One day at the end of class little Geoffrey's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The
following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell his story.
Little Joey raises his hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load
the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the
market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the
basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Joey replies: "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Heather. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8
of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks Heather for the moral of the
story... Heather replied, "Don't count your chicks before they're hatched".
Last is little Geoffrey ... "My Aunt Debbie fought in the Desert Storm war.
Her plane was shot down over enemy territory - she jumped out before it
crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way
down she drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, she lands in the middle of
100 Iraqian soldiers. She shot 70 with her machine gun, but ran out of
bullets, so she pulled out her machete and killed 20 more. The blade on her
machete broke, so she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
Teacher looks in shock at Geoffrey and asks if there is possibly any moral
to his story... Geoffrey replies, "Yeah, don't **k with Aunt Debbie when
she's been drinking."
English as the EU Language
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather that German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro English (Euro for short)
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the second year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and L"w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unecesary "o" kan be droped from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations for leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
Seeds of Religon
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.
Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The program will be known as R.A.P.E.
(Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T.
(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.
Management wishes to assure younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.) program.
The company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in this area. If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor, for your supervisor is especially trained to make sure you recieve all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Quiz for People Who Think They Know Everything
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jimmy Ruben, Tempe, Arizona**
(1) There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several
growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are
the only two perennial vegetables?
(4) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident
with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour
and minute hands cross?
(5) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of
the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the
(6) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
(7) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside
the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't
been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
(8) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They
are all common. Name two of them.
(9) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name
half of them?
10) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"
(11) There are eight ways a baseball player can legally reach first base
without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls -- a walk -- is one way. Name
the other six.
(12) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
(13) How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one
(14) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with
the letter "s."
ANSWERS TO QUIZ
(2) Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year
because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
(3) Asparagus and rhubarb.
(4) Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think, if you do not
believe it, try it with your watch, it is only 10 times).
(7) The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds
when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left
in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are
snipped off at the stems.
(8) Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
(9) Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark,
exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and
(10) In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers,
and kept the name when they moved west.
(11) Batter hit by a pitch; balk; error; catcher interference; catcher drops
third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.
(13) If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn't throw the batter
out at first base, the runner is safe.
(14) Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings,
and so on.
I Just Can't...
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman
with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned
and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be
able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed
up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after
all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the
garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he
shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house
chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son
returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the
house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."
Just 4 Laughs!
A Wet Rabbit...
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a
wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping
wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all
"I said SIT, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman,
slightly embarrassed. Fluffy, wet already, squats in the
middle of the room and pees.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Goddamn it Fluffy,
will you be good?!" Fluffy then starts a fight with a
Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman
leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the
flabbergasted customers and says: "Pardon me, I've just
washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"
WORDS OF WISDOM
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, MN**
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may
not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Sex is like air: It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, then it probably
was worth it.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
Who gossips to you will gossip of you.
When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative one.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them
The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
The trouble with work is - it's so daily.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
Scientists say one out of every four people is crazy. Check three friends and
if they are OK, then you're it.
Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.
The Saga Of Management Review Of Writing Style
Question: How many feet do mice have?
Original Reply: Mice have four feet.
Management's Comment: Elaborate!
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Management's Comment: No discussion of 5th appendage!
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
Management's Comment: What? Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
Management's Comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
Management's Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Management's Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful No!
Revision 6: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
Management's Comment: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.
Management's Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
Final Revision Approved By Management: Mice have four feet.
by Penny Martin
Three Chinese guys die at exactly the same time, and head up to heaven. St.Peter intercepts them at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hey, fellas, what are you doing here?"
"Oh, we hear so much about Christian heaven -- want to spend eternity!"
St. Peter goes, "You guys can't come in. You're Buddhist."
"No, no, must spend eternity in Christian heaven. Please let us in!"
St. Peter says, "Okay, you want in, you have to prove to me you know a little something about the Christian religion. First Chinese Guy, explain the holiday of Easter, will ya?"
"Ah, Easter very big holiday, man in red suit slide down chimney lots of presents, everybody very happy!"
"No, go away. Second Chinese Guy, What is Easter?"
"Ah, Easter very big holiday in fall everyone dress up
funny costume, go out at night, lots of candy, everybody very happy!!"
"No, man. Outta Here. Third Chinese Guy, care to give it a shot? What is Easter?"
"Ah, Easter very big holiday..."
"Yeah, we've established that. Go on.."
"Jesus die on cross for our sins, buried in tomb, large boulder, three day later, he come out of ground, see his shadow, six more weeks of winter!"
THESE ARE ACTUAL ONE-LINERS THAT CAME FROM STUDENT EXAMS
Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Yea, I'll bet that realy burns them.
All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels and condoms.
Isn't sex ducation a great thing ?
Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
Is that where french bread comes from ?
Men are mammals and women are femammals.
Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.
Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
That is what my girl friend says.
Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called Gross Anatomy.
I have allways been willing to volinteer to be gross.
The earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
Yea!. But it never keeps one.
A circle is a figure with no corners and only one side.
Durn lie ! it has an inside and an outside !
Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
Should and is are two different things.
Water is composed of two Gins, OxyGin and HydroGin. OxyGin is pure Gin.
HydroGin is Gin and water.
I wonder what they are drinking in this school.
When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.
I think he is "full of it".
The hookworm larva enters the body through the soul.
Glad I ain't got one.
Some people say we condescended from the apes.
Yea, and now we is on compuserve.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Where they are called fungus amungus
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
So don't hold your brath waiting to get ritch
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
Thats why we all drink burbon and co2
To collect fumes from sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
To get actual sulfur, try holding the preacher over the flames.
When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Regular little blood suckers
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration and then expectoration.
I have known many who expired becouse thay had an inspiration
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
I aian't about to touch that line. Gr
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Why don't they use a deodorant ?
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Yea, a heavy driker
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five A, E, I, O and U.
Can't improve on that. Gr
The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
We need to get them a few oziies
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
Must be sort of dry up there
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch the meat to.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
If you don't clean and polish them every day, they get to stinking.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the moon. All water ends towards the moon because there is no water in the moon and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Equator: A manager lion running around the earth through Africa.
Hope the hunters don't find him
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Hush! puppie !
Magnet: Something you find craw to hitch the meat to.
This guy even looses me
Momentum: What you give to a person when they are going away.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
I thought it was a news paper.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.
I have heard that he lives in a vacume, but the president is said to live at the same place
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
I wonder what kind of "aid" he needs to find this out ?
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
Thanks, I'll keep the nosebleed.
For drowning, climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
For fainting, rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Sounds like my doctor.
For a head cold, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
Sadistic little buger, ain't he ?
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
A science student wrote "The universe is a giant orgasm." The teacher riposted "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."
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