Some computer jokes from All Over:

New ones at the top (updated 6/22/00)


On Computers

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So, Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused, They did spreadsheets, They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail, They sent out e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded, They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."


Does Bill Gates have a sense of humor?

--------------------------------------

1:) Open a New Microsoft Word Document.

2:) Type the Phrase 'I'd Like Bill Clinton to resign'

3:) Hilite it as if you were going to run it through spell check.

4:) Go to TOOLS - LANGUAGE - THESAURUS..(or TOOLS-THESAURUS directly.)

5:) Look at the Suggested phrase.

 

 

LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER

--------------------------

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano!

 

Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy

You hoped nobody found out!

 

Compress was something you did to garbage

Not something you did to a file

And if you unzipped anything in public

You'd be in jail for awhile!

 

Log on was adding wood to a fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode!

 

Cut - you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu!

 

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash

But when it happens they wish they were dead!

 

 

 

 

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association.

For example: House is feminine-"la" maison. In English, of course, words are of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men.

Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender (la) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine (le) gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better one.


This is one of those GREAT .jpg files that came to me over the net. It is one of those hidden Microsoft screens, methinks. (Thank goodness for Macintosh!)

Feel Free to copy it for your own uses:

 

A POEM ABOUT COMPUTERS

A computer was something on TV

from a science fiction show of note

a window was something you hated to clean...

and ram was the cousin of a goat...

 

Meg was the name of my girlfriend

and gig was a job for the nights

now they all mean different things

and that really mega bytes

 

An application was for employment

a program was a TV show

a cursor used profanity

a keyboard was a piano

 

Memory was something that you lost with age

a cd was a bank account

and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy

you hoped nobody found out

 

Compress was something you did to the garbage

not something you did to a file

and if you unzipped anything in public

you' be in jail for a while

 

Log on was adding wood to the fire

hard drive was a long trip on the road

a mouse pad was where a mouse lived

and a backup happened to your commode

 

Cut you did with a pocket knife

paste you did with glue

a web was a spider's home

and a virus was the flu

 

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

and the memory in my head

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,

but when it happens they wish they were dead.


Suppose Edgar Allan Poe Used a Computer

Once upon a midnight dreary,

fingers cramped and vision bleary,

System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,

Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,

Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:

Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.

Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command

and waited for the disk to store,

Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wondering, fearing,

Doubting, while the disk kept churning,

turning yet to churn some more.

"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"

One thing did the phosphors answer,

only this and nothing more, Just,

"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion?

Some maniacal intrusion?

These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.

Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made monstrous noises.

The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting,

baiting me to type some more.Clearly I must press a key,

choosing one and nothing more, From

"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling,

Slowly toward the keyboard bending,

Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,

Praying for some guarantee Timidly I pressed a key.

But on the screen there still persisted, words appearing as before.

Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted,

haunted, as my patience wore, Saying.

"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off-guard -

I pressed again, but twice as hard.

I pleaded with the cursed machine:

I begged and cried and then I swore.

Then I tried in desperation, several random combinations,

Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.

Cursor blinking,mocking, winking, flashing nonsense as before Reading,

"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted; by my own machine accosted.

Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.

And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.

A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.

The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.

Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know The place to which lost data goes.

What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,

Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, in blackholes?

But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Microsoft and more,

You will one day be left to wander,lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading,

"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 

Now that Bill Gates has moved into his brand spanking new house in the Seattle suburbs, the following is a conversation overheard last week:

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "<sigh> Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture fails to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you'll be back on track."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, remember, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near the end of 1999. Actually it was due out earlier this year, but we've had some delays..."



Chocolate Chip Cookies for Engineers and Scientists:

Ingredients:

1) 532.35 cm3 gluten

2) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

3) 4.9 cm3 refined halite

4) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

5) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

6) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

7) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

8) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

9) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao

10) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piecemeal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

by Steve Strunk

 

Computers male or female?

A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor was very aware of the fact that that ships are addressed as 'she' and 'her'. He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

 

The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 


DOGS AND COMPUTERS: SAME OR DIFFERENT?

* Favorite Food

Dogs: kibbles

Computers: bits

 

* Method used to end undesirable behavior

Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper

Computers: hit control-alt-delete

 

* After destruction of personal property

D: dog not found

C: file not found

 

* Favorite trick

D: roll over

C: play dead

 

* Comic-page hero

D: Dogbert

C: Dilbert

 

* Fun way to mess with their heads

D: peanut butter on roof of mouth

C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

 

* Consequence of virus

D: replace valuable carpeting

C: replace valuable data

 

* Widely ignored government mandate

D: leash law

C: Communications Decency Act

 

* Waste disposal tool

D: pooper-scooper

C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)

 

* Sensitive internal procedures

D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional

C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed

"one kind-of like this" once

 

* Method of marking territory

D: lifting leg

C: "Designed for Windows 95"

 

* Unique behavior

D: lick and drag

C: click-and-drag

 

* Inexplicable physical feature

D: dewclaw

C: scroll lock key

 

* Estimated lifespan

D: 12 years

C: 12 months

 

* At end of useful life

D: euthanasia

C: tax deduction

from Just 4 Laughs!


Is Work a Virus?

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, Minnesota**

If you receive any sort of 'work' at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter 'work' via email, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words 'I've had enough of your sh*t ... I'm off down the pub'. The 'work' should automatically be forgotten by your brain and your career will now be successfully destroyed.

If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer.

After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that 'work' will no longer be of any relavance to you and that 'Scooby Doo' was the greatest children's cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your mailbox. If you do not have anyone in your mailbox, then I'm afraid the 'work' virus has corrupted your life.

Go out and get some friends.

 

Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say At A Consulting Interview

10. I'm a T-shirt and jeans kind of person.

9. Do you pay overtime?

8. I hate flying.

7. I'm useless without ten hours of sleep a night.

6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.

5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?

4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.

3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases.

2. Two words: family first.

1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.

from Just 4 Laughs!

What The Heck Does HHO1/2K Mean?

 

We have all gotten them at onetime or another, those e-mails that have those annoying letter combinations. Here is a pretty good list

of what they mean.

 

AFAIC As Far As I'm Concerned

AISI As I See It

ANFAWFOS And Now For A Word Word From Our Sponsor

ANFAWFOWS And Now For A Word Word From Our WEB Sponsor

ASAP As Soon As Possible

ASAFP As Soon As Friggin Possible

AWGTHTGTTA Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Again

AWGTHTGTTSA Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Shit Again

B4 Before

BCNU Be Seeing You

BFD Big Fucking Deal

BK Bo Knows

BNF Big Name Fan

BOT Back On Topic

BTSOOM Beats The Shit Out Of Me

BT Byte This!

BTW By The Way

BTWBO Be There With Bells On

CIAO Goodbye

CIS CompuServe Information Service

CUL Catch You Later/See You Later

CUL8R See You Later

CWYL Chat With You Later

DBEYR Don't Believe Everything You Read

DDD Direct Distance Dial

DHYB Don't Hold Your Breath

DILLIGAD Do I Look Like I Give A Damn

DQYDJ Don't Quit You're Day Job

DYSTSOTT Did You See The Size Of That Thing

FE Fatal Error

FTASB Faster Than A Speeding Bullet

FTL Faster Than Light

FWIW For What It's Worth

FYI For Your Information

FYM For Your Misinformation

GE GEnie Information Service

GEE No, GTE

GIGO Garbage In, Garbage Out

GIWIST Gee, I Wish I'd Said That

GR&D Grinning Running & Ducking

HAK Hugs And Kisses

HHOK Ha Ha, Only Kidding

HHO1/2K Ha Ha, Only Half Kidding

HIOOC Help! I'm Out Of Coffee!

HTH Hope This Helps

HUA Heads Up, Ace

IAC In Any Case

IAE In Any Event

IANAL I Am Not A Lawyer

IANAC I Am Not A Crook

IAO I Am Outtahere

IBCNU I'll Be Seeing You

IBTD I Beg To Differ

IFABCTE I Found A Bug, Call The Exterminator

IITYWTMWYKM If I Tell You What This Means Will You Kiss Me

IITYWTMWYBMAD If I Tell You What This Means Will You Buy Me A Drink

IITYWTMWYLMA If I Tell You What This Means Will You Leave Me Alone

IIWM If It Were Me

ILSHIBAMF I Laughed So Hard I Broke All My Furniture

ILSHIBMS I Laughed So Hard I Broke My Stitches

IMCO In My Considered Opinion

IMHO In My Humble Opinion

IMNSHO In My Not So Humble Opinion

IMO In My Opinion

INPO In No Particular Order

IOW In Other Words

ISP Internet Service Provider

KISS Keep It Simple Stupid

L8R Later

LD Long Distance

LDTTWA Let's Do The Time Warp Again

LLTA Lots And Lots Of Thunderous Applause

LOL Laughing Out Loud

LSHHTCMS Laughed So Hard, Had To Change My Shorts

LTIP Laughing Till I Puke

MTFBWY May The Force Be With You

NRN No Reply Necessary

NYCFS New York City Finger Salute

OAUS On An Unrelated Subject

OATUS On A Totally Unrelated Subject

OATIS On A Totally Irrelevant Subject

OBTW Oh By The Way

OI Operator Indisposed

OMIK Open Mouth, Insert Keyboard

ONNA Oh No, Not Again

ONNTA Oh No Not This Again

OOTC Obligatory On Topic Comment

OTOH On The Other Hand

OTOOH On The Other Other Hand

OTSH On The Same Hand

OWTTE Or Words To That Effect

OZ Australia

RBTL Read Between The Lines

RML Read My Lips

RMM Read My Mail

ROTFL Rolling On The Floor Laughing

ROTM Right On The Money

RSN Real Soon Now

RTFM Read The Fucking Manual (or Message)

SITD Still In The Dark

SOI Sit On It

SOL Shit Outta Luck

SysOp System Operator

TAFL Take A Flying Leap

TANSTAAFL There Ain't No Such Than A Free Lunch

TDTM Talk Dirty To Me

TFASB Time For A Sex Break

TFN Thanks For Nothin'

TIA Thanks In Advance

TIC Tongue In Cheek

TISEC Tongue In Someone Else's Cheek

TLA Three Letter Acronym (such as this)

TM Trust Me

TSR Terminate and Stay Resident

TSR Totally Stuck in RAM

TTT That's The Ticket

TWHAB This Won't Hurt A Bit

VI Village Idiot

WDIPME Where Did I Put My Excedrin

WEB World Wide Wait

WGAFS Who Gives A Flying Squat

WIT Wordsmith In Training

WMG Wheres My Glasses

WTHDTIM What The Hell Do These Initials Mean

WTSDS Where The Sun Don't Shine

WYSIWYG What You See Is What You Get

WYSIUWYW What You See Isn't Usually What You Want

YGBK You Gotta Be Kiddin'

<g> Grin

<G> Big Grin

<s> Little shit

<S> Big shit

from Just 4 Laughs!

 

 

 

SPELLING BEE CONFUSING

If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough

If OUGH stands for O as in Dough

If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis

If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour

If TTE stands for T as in Gazette

If EAU stands for O as in Plateau

 

The right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

Received from MIKEY'S FUNNIES.

 

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft...

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bob Laurie, Juneau, Alaska**

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.

Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00

Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50

Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00


Taken from the Hacker's Dictionary Appendice

http://www.mcs.kent.edu/docs/general/hackersdict/03Appendices

 

Here is a story about one of the classic computer hacks.

 

Back in the mid-1970s, several of the system support staff at

Motorola discovered a relatively simple way to crack system security

on the Xerox CP-V timesharing system. Through a simple programming

strategy, it was possible for a user program to trick the system into

running a portion of the program in `master mode' (supervisor state),

in which memory protection does not apply. The program could then

poke a large value into its `privilege level' byte (normally

write-protected) and could then proceed to bypass all levels of

security within the file-management system, patch the system monitor,

and do numerous other interesting things. In short, the barn door

was wide open.

 

Motorola quite properly reported this problem to Xerox via an

official `level 1 SIDR' (a bug report with an intended urgency of

`needs to be fixed yesterday'). Because the text of each SIDR was

entered into a database that could be viewed by quite a number of

people, Motorola followed the approved procedure: they simply

reported the problem as `Security SIDR', and attached all of the

necessary documentation, ways-to-reproduce, etc.

 

The CP-V people at Xerox sat on their thumbs; they either didn't

realize the severity of the problem, or didn't assign the necessary

operating-system-staff resources to develop and distribute an

official patch.

 

Months passed. The Motorola guys pestered their Xerox field-support

rep, to no avail. Finally they decided to take direct action, to

demonstrate to Xerox management just how easily the system could be

cracked and just how thoroughly the security safeguards could be

subverted.

 

They dug around in the operating-system listings and devised a

thoroughly devilish set of patches. These patches were then

incorporated into a pair of programs called `Robin Hood' and `Friar

Tuck'. Robin Hood and Friar Tuck were designed to run as `ghost

jobs' (daemons, in UNIX terminology); they would use the existing

loophole to subvert system security, install the necessary patches,

and then keep an eye on one another's statuses in order to keep the

system operator (in effect, the superuser) from aborting them.

 

One fine day, the system operator on the main CP-V software

development system in El Segundo was surprised by a number of unusual

phenomena. These included the following:

 

* Tape drives would rewind and dismount their tapes in the middle

of a job.

* Disk drives would seek back and forth so rapidly that they would

attempt to walk across the floor (see {walking drives}).

* The card-punch output device would occasionally start up of

itself and punch a {lace card}. These would usually jam in the

punch.

* The console would print snide and insulting messages from Robin

Hood to Friar Tuck, or vice versa.

* The Xerox card reader had two output stackers; it could be

instructed to stack into A, stack into B, or stack into A

(unless a card was unreadable, in which case the bad card was

placed into stacker B). One of the patches installed by the

ghosts added some code to the card-reader driver... after

reading a card, it would flip over to the opposite stacker. As

a result, card decks would divide themselves in half when they

were read, leaving the operator to recollate them manually.

 

Naturally, the operator called in the operating-system developers.

They found the bandit ghost jobs running, and X'ed them... and were

once again surprised. When Robin Hood was X'ed, the following

sequence of events took place:

 

!X id1

 

id1: Friar Tuck... I am under attack! Pray save me!

id1: Off (aborted)

 

id2: Fear not, friend Robin! I shall rout the Sheriff

of Nottingham's men!

 

id1: Thank you, my good fellow!

 

Each ghost-job would detect the fact that the other had been killed,

and would start a new copy of the recently slain program within a few

milliseconds. The only way to kill both ghosts was to kill them

simultaneously (very difficult) or to deliberately crash the system.

 

Finally, the system programmers did the latter --- only to find that

the bandits appeared once again when the system rebooted! It turned

out that these two programs had patched the boot-time OS image (the

kernel file, in UNIX terms) and had added themselves to the list of

programs that were to be started at boot time.

 

The Robin Hood and Friar Tuck ghosts were finally eradicated when the

system staff rebooted the system from a clean boot-tape and

reinstalled the monitor. Not long thereafter, Xerox released a patch

for this problem.

 

It is alleged that Xerox filed a complaint with Motorola's management

about the merry-prankster actions of the two employees in question.

It is not recorded that any serious disciplinary action was taken

against either of them.

 

 

Pentagon Phrase Book

What Pentagon officials say -

And what they really mean:

 

Essentially Complete

It's half done

 

We predict...

We hope to God!

 

Risk is high but within acceptable ranges of risk:

100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10\ times the people we said we'd employ.

 

Potential show stopper:

The team has updated their resumes.

 

Serious but not insurmountable problems:

It'll take a miracle...

 

Basic agreement has been reached:

The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.

 

Results are being quantified:

We're massaging the numbers so that they will agree with our conclusions.

 

Task force to review:

7 people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project

 

Not well defined at this time:

Nobody's even thought about it.

 

Still analyzing the requirements:

See previous answer.

 

Not well understood:

Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.

 

Requires further analysis and management attention:

Totally out of control!

 

Results are promising:

Turned power on and no smoke detected - this time...

from Just 4 Laughs!


RELIGIOUS TECH SUPPORT

Ring ring...

God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?

Sinner: I seem to have lost my faith.

God: Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a Catholic Minister?

Sinner: Ummm... lets see, I have a conformation, so it must have been a priest.

God: And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly ServicesC?

Sinner: Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there.

God: Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted your faith?

Sinner: Not that I can think of...

God: Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from Simple Lies C*(Microsoft) or Street Rhetoric (Internet), then there is that Guy Morgan at Just 4 Laughs Humor List! Have your Ears downloaded anything that might be construed as corrupting?

Sinner: Well I did listen to a bum on the street that said that God was asleep and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires of hell.

God: What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith, you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let you Believe in God, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell. Without God there is no hell, thus the paradox.

Sinner: And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?

God: Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible and recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the passages about Judas.ini C. You can also find some help in the Psalms 100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used with a complete lack of Faith.

Sinner: And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted again?

God: Well there are several products out there just for that purpose, Lotus Devout, Microsoft Seminary Plus, and Netscape Hereafter Browser. If you use these products and not download data from know corrupting sources, you should be fine.

Sinner: Well thank you very much God, This should help out a lot, I should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.

God: Go in Peace my son.

Ring ring...

God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?

Sinner: Hello, I am now Jewish...

 

Just 4 Laughs!


for techies and mathies: The Mathematics of Relationships

They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. They both wanted to get skewed. The day their lines first intersected, they became an ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous function. They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel. She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical projections. "Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local maximum. They had many simultaneous solutions. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex, the critical point, their finite limit.

After that they slept like logs. Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a problem, it was improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was irrational, not to mention square. It seemed as though she was from another dimension. Things just weren't adding up.

They diverged. That was a real plus because he needed to get her out of his domain. She's currently reaching the limit in a relationship that is somewhat undefined. He is currently unable to afford dating because he did a cosine on a loan for his son.

from Just 4 Laughs!

 

Y2K bug?

January 1, 2000

Dear Valued Employee:

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over

the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are

granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.

One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please

either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next

pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include

all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing

from Just 4 Laughs!

The Locked Car

When we arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the parking area and found a service technician working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As we watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"

"I know," the technician answered, "I already got that side."

 


Eye halve a spelling chequer, it came with my pea sea.

It plainly marques four my revue, miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word, and weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write, it shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long.

And eye can put the error rite, it's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it, I am shore your pleased two no,

It's letter perfect awl the weigh, my chequer tolled me sew.


Computers and Gender

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Stephen Papa, New York, New York**

A pastor of a church, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she"; and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.

The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

What do YOU think?

 

Email Facts Of Life and other Urban Legends

1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit", does not actually make it true.

3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at: http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html
Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.

4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co-workers gross out bathroom stall neighbors and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb.

5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain- letter?

6. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virii. Try: http://www.norton.com http://www.norton.com/. And even then, don't forward it. We don't care.

7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to Hell.

8. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.

9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">" that begineach line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times - we've probably already seen it.

10.Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either. from Just 4 Laughs!

 

IF GOD HAD A PC . . .

In the beginning, there was the computer.

And God entered:

C:\>Let there be light!

Enter user ID

C:\>God

Enter password

C:\>Omniscient

Invalid password

Enter password

C:\>Omnipotent

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

C:\>Let there be light!

Unrecognizable command

C:\>Create light

Done

C:\>Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

C:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

C:\>Create firmament

Done.

C:\>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

C:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

C:\>Create dry_land

Done.

C:\>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

C:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Unspecified type. Try again.

C:\>Create sun_moon_stars

Done

C:\>Run sun_moon_stars

And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

C:\>Create fish

Done

C:\>Create fowl

Done

C:\>Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

C:\>Create cattle

Done

C:\>Create creepy_things

Done

C:\>Now let us make man in our image

Unspecified type. Try again.

C:\>Create man

Done

C:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

Too many command operands. Try again.

C:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 6 errors..

C:\>Insert breath

Done

C:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

C:\>Move man to Garden of Eden

Filename: Garden of Eden does not exist.

Abort, Retry, Ignore?

C:\>Create Garden_of_Eden

Too many parameters

C:\>Create Garden.edn

Done

C:\>Move man to Garden.edn

Done

C:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

C:\>Copy woman from man

Done

C:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 2 errors.

C:\>Create desire

Done

C:\>Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:\>Create freewill

Done

C:\>Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:\>Undo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

C:\>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:\>Help

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:\>Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:\>Create good, evil

Done

C:\>Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman no longer located in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

C:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed.

Abort, Retry, Ignore?

C:\>Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

C:\>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:\>Stop

Unrecognizable command. Try again

C:\>Ctrl_Break

C:\>Ctrl_Break

C:\>Ctrl_Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

C:\>Create new world

You have exceeded allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

C:\>Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

C:\>Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICE

WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM.

YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

On Saturday, March 7, God rested.

On March 8, God created Macintosh.

And God saw that it was GOOD.

from Just 4 Laughs!

 

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20. User Error: Replace user.

21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Received from Cathy Gilstrap from The Good, Clean Funnies List

 

For Bill Gates fans...one person's version of his afterlife

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Gates.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what you think" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has an opening in it and the girl hasn't!"

"What about the PC?"

"It has Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt, and Delete"


"To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer."

- Farmers' Almanac, 1978

 

MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING!

~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

~ To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.

~ He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

~ If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.

~ A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

~ The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

~ A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

~ When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

~ When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

~ The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

~ When the going gets tough, upgrade.

~ When you need to send an email quick, that's when the modem won't connect!

Received from Laugh-A-Lot! from The Good, Clean Funnies List


You know you have computer NERD tendencies when...

Your web page is more popular than you.

Your favorite sport is Tetris.

You know what fuzzy logic is.

You talk to your computer.

You argue with your computer.

Your computer has its own phone line.

You have dreams involving your computer.

You spend Friday nights with your computer.

You've never actually met many of your friends.

You remember how to use DOS.

You think Bill Gates is "a cool guy."

Only computer users can understand you.

Your home page is longer than your resume.

You've ever installed Linux.

You've missed the X-Files because you wanted to play on your computer.

You always understand Dilbert.

You regularly drink Jolt cola.

You spend more time on the Internet than you do sleeping.

You have multiple email addresses.

You've ever setup a LAN in your house.

You understood the above statement.

You search the Internet for computer humor.

Your idea of hurrying is typing faster.

You keep spare mouse pads.

You buy your computer gifts.

You've ever been dumped for paying too much attention to your computer.

Someone mentions foreign language and you think "Cobol".

You regularly use a tape backup on files you have the original disks for.

You get a new computer, take it out of the box, and you immediately remove the case.

You have ever called home to check on your computer.

You do processes in DOS instead of Windows not because it is faster, but because it just confuses people.

You've ever considered getting a tattoo of the "Intel Inside" logo.

You have a pet name for your computer, but not one for your penis.

You know every law about computer piracy by heart, because you've been convicted on all of them.

You no longer interact with your family, you send them email instead...in the same house.

You check your email before you check your answering machine.

You can program the next best thing to Windows, but you still can't get your VCR to stop flashing.

You have more insurance on your computer than on your children.

You receive more chat requests than phone calls.

You stopped paying for call waiting because it kept knocking you off-line.

You don't immediately go into gibbering panic when you hear of new computer virus.

You've ever emailed your assignment in to your professor.

You've ever tried to see how far you can move the mouse without turning off the screen saver.

You have dialed 911 and faxed them your problem.

You call in sick to work over your computer.

Your first aid kit contains Norton's Anti-Virus.

You know what the acronyms HTML, URL, ISP, and HTTP each stand for.

You tinker with computers at work all day, and when you finally get off work, you rush home to tinker with your computer.

You dedicate your home page to your favorite actress in hopes that she will see it and desire to meet you.

You have more than one home page.

The closest you ever come to having sex is downloading nude pictures off of the Internet.

You have a better computer system at home than at work.

You get jealous when other people use your computer.

You run back into your burning home to rescue your computer, but you leave the dog.

You know exactly how much hard drive space you have free, but you don't know your spouse's birthday.

You run Windows 95 and Windows 3.1 just because you can.

You have the high score on Jezz Ball.

You know what word 31337 stands for.

You keep spare computer parts around the house.

 

 


WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW

A new acronym for web-designers and web-surfers:

What-You-See-Is-What-You-Might-Get-If-You're-Really-Really-Lucky-And-All-Goes-Well

 

Windows 2000 Error Messages

The following are new Windows 2000 error messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

16. User Error: Replace user.

17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

from "Just 4 Laughs!" list --- FREE Humor To Your E-mail!

4 e-mails per day, most every day. If you would like to receive, send an e-mail message <mailto:Subscribe-Just4Laughs@Ripple.Dundee.Net>

 

Jesus & Satan - Programmer's Contest

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.

This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with

God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type

furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning

strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is

restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to

show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when

the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display,

the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet

Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

 

Two Digits for a Date

(Read to the tune of "Gilligan's Island," more or less)

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale

Of the doom that is our fate.

That started when programmers used

Two digits for a date.

Two digits for a date.

 

Main memory was smaller then;

Hard disks were smaller, too.

"Four digits are extravagant,

So let's get by with two.

So let's get by with two."

 

"This works through 1999,"

The programmers did say.

"Unless we rewrite before that

It all will go away.

It all will go away."

 

But Management had not a clue:

"It works fine now, you bet!

A rewrite is a straight expense;

We won't do it just yet.

We won't do it just yet."

 

Now when 2000 rolls around

It all goes straight to @#%&,

For zero's less than ninety-nine,

As anyone can tell.

As anyone can tell.

 

The mail won't bring your pension check

It won't be sent to you

When you're no longer sixty-eight,

But minus thirty-two.

But minus thirty-two.

 

The problems we're about to face

Are frightening, for sure.

And reading every line of code's

The only certain cure.

The only certain cure.

 

[key change, big finish]

 

There's not much time,

There's too much code.

(And Cobol-coders, few)

When the century is finished with,

We may be finished, too.

We may be finished, too.

 

Eight thousand years from now I hope

That things weren't left too late,

And people aren't then lamenting

Four digits for a date.

Four digits for a date.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

 

 

25 interesting things you learn about computers in the movies.......

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Clint Fast, Fargo, North Dakota**

1. Word processors never display a cursor.

2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such

governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells

that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply

typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply

typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they

do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.

8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the

villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen

changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it

doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate

the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.

10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just

underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, puff of

smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. (see #7,

above)

11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before

intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be

accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at

two gigabytes per second.

15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control

panels will explode, as will the entire building.

16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also

disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file-and there

are no undelete utilities.

17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a

password when you try to access it.

18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any

system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer

platforms.

19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However,

everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.

20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-

dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time

video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY- MP.

22. Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it

projects itself onto his/her face.

23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans

operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom

into any picture as far as you want to. For example: "What's that fuzzy thing

in the corner? I don't know, let's check. It's the murder weapon!"

 

From Data to Wisdom

Data are not facts.

Facts are not information.

Information is not knowledge.

Knowledge is not understanding.

Understanding is not truth.

Truth is not wisdom.

James Autry, a Fortune 500 businessman, poet, and writer

 

"Contraceptive98"

Well, with his ambitions being what they are, why should anyone be surprised that Bill Gates is branching out in other areas?

"Contraceptive98"

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).

A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

 

 

 

Windows Problem

I'm wondering if anybody can help me with a problem I'm having on my computer at work. I recently upgraded to Windows 95 from Windows 3.14159, and I've noticed that whenever I'm running WordWanker Version 2.0.9.4 (which I upgraded from 1.8.4.7) in conjunction with FaxBuddy! Version 4.2.4.3.7857, everything works fine for about the first 25 minutes but then if I try to type the passive pluperfect subjunctive form of the verb "procreate" (or any of its slang equivalents) the keyboard locks up permanently and the hard drive makes a whimpering sound and all current data is erased, including data in computers several cubicles away. I have tried everything, including reformatting my hard drive and exorcism. Please help!

 

REPLY TO: Windows Problem

 

I had exactly the same problem and after a lot of trial and error I found out that if you click on:

the Windows Control Panel,

then on Command Center,

then on Reset Variables,

then on Establish New Parameters,

then on Define Standards,

then on Modify Criteria,

then on Effectuate Paradigms,

then on the little icon labeled

"Do Not Ever Click On This Little Icon",

then go down to the box that says "Enter New Value",

and type in 2038,

You will still have the same problem. This is why my doctor tripled my Prozac dosage.

from "The Good, Clean Funnies List"

 

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten

2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite

4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao

10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

PS - don't try this at home.<<

 

And a reply:

1. I would tend to question the use of a #4 nodulizer for extrusion of the final reaction mixture. At that point, my preference would be to dispense empirically using a teaspoon.

2. The oven temperature is too low by 4 degrees. No sense in being imprecise.

3. One substitution that might appeal to some would be crushed walnuts in place of the peanuts, green peas, or mesquite beans.

4. I think it needs more vanilla.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!"

 

Rednecks and Computers

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Kathy Lydon, Chicago, IL**

Top 10 ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer:

10: The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric key pad only goes up to six.

5. The password is Bubba.

4. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

And the number one reason is:

The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

 

 

Rejected Hallmark Cards

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, MN

Your computer is dead

It was once so alive

Don't you regret installing

Windows '95?

 

Happy Vasectomy!

Hope you feel zippy!

'Cause when I had mine

I got real snippy.

 

My tire was thumping

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire

I noticed your cat...Sorry.

 

You had your bladder removed

And you're on the mends

Here's a bouquet of flowers

And a box of Depends.

 

You've announced that you're gay

Won't that be a laugh

When they find out you're one

Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

 

So your daughter's a hooker

And it spoiled your day

Look at the bright side

She's a really good lay.

 

Heard your wife left you

How upset you must be

But don't fret about it

She moved in with me.

 

You totalled your car

And can't remember why

Could it have been

That case of Bud Dry?

 

 

TOP TEN REASONS AOL RAISED ITS RATES

Sure, AOL is a money machine. But even the online giant needs an extra boost to the bottom line once in a while. Here's why:

10. Pay off the settlement to Tim McVeigh

9. Severance for CompuServe employees

8. Need to raise money to buy Netscape

7. Steve Case is jealous of Larry Ellison's fighter jet

6. Have to pay the fee to the guys who creamed Bill Gates in Belgium

5. AOL programmers are all requesting "interns"

4. Need money to pay James Earl Jones to record a new version of "You've

got mail"

3. Hiring bouncers for the chat rooms

2. El Nino

1. Because they can

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

 

PROGRAM TECH SUPPORT-PLEASE HELP!

Dear Tech support,

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run GirlFriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I have to run them separately. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0, so I upgraded. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while - until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 had a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which resulted in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog." It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Also, though he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete all of your MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources.

Please Mr. Tech Support person, help me to untangle the mess that I'm in. Or, if you happen to be female, are you free for dinner?

 

COMPUTER SAYINGS

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like http://www.home.com.

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.

25. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

 

 

The Beatles Updated "Yesterday"

Yesterday,

All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

 

Suddenly,

There's not half the files there used to be,

And there's a milestone hanging over me

The system crashed so suddenly.

 

I pushed something wrong

What it was I could not say.

 

Now all my data's gone

and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

 

Yesterday,

The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,

Now I believe in yesterday.

 

 

====================================

 

Eleanor Rigby

-------------

Eleanor Rigby

Sits at the keyboard

And waits for a line on the screen

Lives in a dream

Waits for a signal

Finding some code

That will make the machine do some more.

What is it for?

 

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

 

Guru MacKenzie

Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;

Isn't it fun?

Look at him working,

Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;

It takes a while...

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

 

Eleanor Rigby

Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;

Feels like a jerk.

Guru MacKenzie

Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;

Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

 

====================================

 

Unix Man

--------

He's a real UNIX Man

Sitting in his UNIX LAN

Making all his UNIX plans

For nobody.

 

Knows the blocksize from du(1)

Cares not where /dev/null goes to

Isn't he a bit like you

And me?

 

UNIX Man, please listen(2)

My lpd(8) is missin'

UNIX Man

The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

He's as wise as he can be

Uses lex and yacc and C

UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

 

UNIX Man, don't worry

Test with time(1), don't hurry UNIX Man

The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN

Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody ...

Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody.

 

===================================

 

Write in C ("Let it Be")

------------------------

When I find my code in tons of trouble,

Friends and colleagues come to me,

Speaking words of wisdom:

"Write in C."

 

As the deadline fast approaches,

And bugs are all that I can see,

Somewhere, someone whispers:

"Write in C."

 

Write in C, Write in C,

Write in C, oh, Write in C.

LOGO's dead and buried,

Write in C.

 

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,

For science it worked flawlessly.

Try using it for graphics!

Write in C.

 

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,

Debugging some assembly,

Soon you will be glad to

Write in C.

 

Write in C, Write in C,

Write in C, yeah, Write in C.

BASIC's not the answer.

Write in C.

 

Write in C, Write in C

Write in C, oh, Write in C.

Pascal won't quite cut it.

Write in C.

 

==========================

 

Something

---------

Something in the way it fails,

Defies the algorithm's logic!

Something in the way it coredumps...

I don't want to leave it now

I'll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,

A pointer's got to be corrupted.

Stepping in the debugger will show me...

 

I don't want to leave it now

I'm too close to leave it now

You're asking me can this code go?

I don't know, I don't know...

What sequence causes it to blow?

I don't know, I don't know...

 

Something in the initializing code?

And all I have to do is think of it!

Something in the listing will show me...

I don't want to leave it now

I'll fix this tonight I vow!

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

A server that works.

I found this posted to a newsgroup that was complaining about the Microsoft "msnews" news server which, no surprize, uses Windows NT. Because of the continued problems with these servers, the admins have been referred to as modern day Keystone Kops among other things:

Anybody remember that Joplin classic, "Mercedes Benz"?

Oh Lord won't you buy me a server that works?

My friends all use Unix, no servers with burps.

My servers work half-time, a truckload of quirks,

So Lord won't you by me a server that works?

 

Oh Lord won't you buy me some new admin clowns?

The current ones cause me deep ungainly frowns.

Prove that you love me and put them all down,

Oh Lord won't you buy me some new admin clowns?

 

Oh Lord won't you buy them a beginners' course?

I'd like to stop cursing before I am all hoarse.

They need to Get It, if need be by force,

Oh Lord won't you buy them a beginners' course?

 

[Everybody!]

 

Oh Lord won't you buy me a server that works?

My friends all use Unix, no servers with burps.

My servers work half-time, a truckload of quirks,

So Lord won't you by me a server that works?

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

Safe E-mail Q & A?

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe E-MAIL?

A. Although married people E-MAIL quite often, there are many single people who E-MAIL to complete strangers every day.

 

Q. My parents say they never had E-MAIL when they were young and were only allowed to write their memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they can E-MAIL?

A. E-MAILing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedures.

 

Q. If I E-MAIL something to myself, will I go blind?

A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.

 

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go to pay to E-MAIL, is this legal?

A. Yes! Many people have no other outlet for their E-MAIL drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to E-MAIL becomes too great.

 

Q. Should a cover always be used for E-MAILing?

A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are E-MAILing to, a cover should be used to insure safe E-MAIL.

 

Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I E-MAIL prematurely?

A. Don't panic, many people prematurely E-MAIL when they haven't E-MAILed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.

 

Q. I have a personal and a business E-MAIL, can transmissions become mixed up?

A. Being bi-E-MAILual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

 

 

The Top 16 Signs You're Hopelessly Geeky

16. Your screen saver: "Deep Blue Kicks Ass!"

15. You spend hours prioritizing your list of questions you'd like to ask Commander Data if you ever meet him in person.

14. At the local Radio Shack, you're greeted like Norm at Cheers.

13. You're the head A/V technician on a space ship behind Hale-Bopp.

12. You receive a grant from the International Plaid Foundation.

11. You're 42 years old and you use the word "Wookie" at least a dozen times a day.

10. Slim Jims and Ding Dongs form the base of your nutrition pyramid.

9. Seven years, $60 million, and your new high-tech house still ain't done.

8. You have electrical tape holding your contact lenses together.

7. You prefer to be thought of as an "artist who works in the medium of ASCII."

6. Discussions with your friends about the properties of dilithium crystals routinely lead to fistfights.

5. Your favorite Marx Brother? Zeppo.

4. You're not geeky at all, and neither are your kids: McCoy, Sulu, Uhura, and Scotty.

3. Your first and only attempt at foreplay ended abruptly when your own bow tie gave you a wedgie.

2. You *ask* your mom to buy you Toughskins.

and the Number 1 Sign You're Hopelessly Geeky...

1. You know how to say, "I can't go swimming -- I've eaten less than 2 hours ago." in 5 languages.

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]

[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]

 

Ten Ways to Tell It's a Redneck's Computer

1. The monitor is up on blocks.

2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

3. The six front keys have rotted out.

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

5. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

7. The password is "Bubba".

8. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

9. The keyboard's camoflaged.

10. The varmint (mouse) has buckshot holes.

 

 

How to tell which programming language you're using.

 

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.

 

370 JCL

You send your foot down to NIS with a 4000-page document explaining how

you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

 

Ada

After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the

gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you

try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.

 

APL

You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do

it in fewer characters.

 

Assembly

You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first

reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.

 

BASIC

Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue

until entire lower body is waterlogged.

 

C

You shoot yourself in the font.

 

C++

You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all

in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since

you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at

others and saying, "That's me, over there."

 

COBOL

Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIN gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.

HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return

HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

 

Concurrent Euclid

You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

 

FORTH

Foot in yourself shoot.

 

FORTRAN

You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes,

then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you

continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

 

Hypertalk

Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you.

Answer the result.

 

LISP

You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which

You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which

You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which

You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which

You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ...

 

Modula2

After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this

language, you shoot yourself in the head.

 

Motif

You spend days writing a UlL description of your foot, the trajectory,

the bullet, and the intricate scroliwork on the ivory handles of the gun.

When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

 

Paradox

Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

 

Pascal

The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

 

Prolog

You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program

figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

 

Revelation

You'll shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all

the bullets are for.

 

SNOBOL

If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.

If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

 

Unix

% ls

foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o

% rm * .o

rm: .o: No such file or directory

% ls

 

Visual Basic

You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it

that you won't care.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

 

Software Engineering Glossary of Computer Product Terminology

 

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.

The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

 

 

Ice Cream Troubles

For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts ...

A complaint was received by a major car manufacturer:

"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new car and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about your car that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever get any other kind?'"

The President of the car company was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway.

He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.

The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.

Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.

Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.

Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.

Moral of the story: even insane looking problems are sometimes real.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

Billy's Mom's Letters

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.

 

Dear Mom,

The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.

Love, Billy.

 

Dear Mom,

Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.

Love, Billy.

P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spellchecked too.

 

 

Dear Mom,

Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.

Love, Billy.

 

Dear Mom,

I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

Love, Billy.

 

Dear Mother,

Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.

Signed, William.

 

Dear Mother,

How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.

Regards, William.

 

Mother,

Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.

Sincerely, William.

 

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

Sally Gates,

Concerned Parent

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

IT'S TIME TO TURN YOUR COMPUTER OFF & READ A BOOK WHEN?..

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Stephen Gregory, Overland Park, Kansas, from his new home!**

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.

3. You turn off our modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

4. You spend half of the airplane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your four year old child in the overhead compartment.

5. You decide to stay in college for and additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

6. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

8. You find yourself typing 'com' after every period when using a word processor.com

9. You can't call your mother-she doesn't have a modem.

10. You check your mail. It says 'no new messages'. So you check it again.

11. You don't what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.

12 You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.

13. You tell the cab driver you live at---http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html

14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

15. After reading this message, you immediately mail it to a friend!

 

Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in Haiku...they would read like these:

A file that big?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

 

The Web site you seek

cannot be located,

but endless others exist

 

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

 

ABORTED effort:

Close all that you have.

You ask far too much.

 

First snow, then silence.

This thousand dollar screen

dies so beautifully.

 

With searching comes loss

and the presence of absence:

"My Novel" not found.

 

The Tao that is seen

is not the true Tao, until

you bring fresh toner.

 

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

 

Stay the patient course.

Of little worth is your ire.

The network is down.

 

A crash reduces

your expensive computer

to a simple stone.

 

Yesterday it worked.

Today it is not working

'Windows' is like that.

 

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes, and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

 

You step in the stream,

but the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

 

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

 

Having been erased,

the document you're seeking

must now be retyped.

 

Rather than a beep

or a rude error message,

these words: "File not found."

 

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

 

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU BOUGHT THE WRONG COMPUTER

The biggest fear of any computer user is that you just blew several grand on a clunker that's not even fit for a boat anchor. Try these dead giveaways on for size:

10. The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube.

9. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers.

8. The infrared cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them is marked Fast Forward.

7. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on street corners.

6. The sound board and speakers are a separate unit, and they receive only AM.

5. The ad slogan: Ronald McDonald just grew up.

4. It has only two expansion slots, and they just popped up a couple of rounds of toast.

3. It's labeled "energy saving" only because there's no power supply.

2. You just got another one with your Happy Meal.

1. The sticker reads "nothing of value inside."

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

You might be a High Tech Redneck if.....

1.Your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com."

2.You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."

3.If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop."

4.Your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson."

5.You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.

6.Your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT."

7.Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

8.Your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her.

9.You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.

10.You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."

11.Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.

12.You start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all."

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list FREE Humor To Your E-mail!

 

 

Top 25 Explanations by Programmers when their programs don't work:

1. Strange...

2. I've never heard about that.

3. It did work yesterday.

4. Well, the program needs some fixing.

5. How is this possible?

6. The machine seems to be broken.

7. Has the operating system been updated?

8. The user has made an error again.

9. There is something wrong in your test data.

10. I have not touched that module!

11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.

12. You must have the wrong executable.

13. Oh, it's just a feature.

14. I'm almost ready.

15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.

16. It will be done in no time at all.

17. It's just some unlucky coincidense.

18. I can't test everything!

19. THIS can't do THAT.

20. Didn't I fix it already?

21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.

22. It works, but it's not been tested.

23. Somebody must have changed my code.

24. There must be a virus in the application software.

25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

 

Top Ten Signs You Might Be A SysAdmin

-- by Jonathan Kalbfeld

10. You see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea it is referring to drugs.

9. Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl.

8. You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually finished college.

7. You have enough computing power in your house or apartment to render obscene pictures of upper management people.

6. Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion.

5. The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation.

4. The last time you kissed someone was in high school.

3. "What? No raise? No Backups, then!"

2. You have a vanity plate on your car that names part of the Unix File System.

And the number one sign you might be a SysAdmin...

1. You have ever uttered the phrase "I will be working from home today so I can avoid wearing pants."

 

Software version explanations

Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we werefixing these bugs.

2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since

1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.

3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...

4.1: Just one or two bugs this time... Honest!

5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.

6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added somecute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list FREE Humor To Your E-mail!

 

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