Note: These are L-O-N-G files with lots of jokes and stuff. Hit "back" to escape or print them if you dare!

I'll die for you!

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred...

"I'll die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked,

"How many times?".


Two Statues

There were two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel fluttered down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues had been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals.

The angel said, "I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick--you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again."

The man looked at the woman, and they both flushed, giggled, and run off into some underbrush. An intense rustling came from the bushes, and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied.

The angel smiles at the couple. "That was only seven minutes--why not go back and do it again?"

The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman said, "Why not? But let's reverse it this time--you hold down the pigeon, and I'll shit on it...."


There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part". Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Carmel apple!"


Capote's Strange Facts

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Mike Capote, Miami, Florida, and Mexico City, Mexico**

1. The venom in a Daddy Longlegs spider is more poisonous than a Black Widow's or a Brown Recluse, but they cannot bite humans because their jaws won't open wide enough.

2. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

3. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

5. If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

6. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

7. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

8. Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

9. The pop you get when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas bursting.

10. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents who are present and don't die throughout the movie.

11. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

12. There's no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.

13. It's impossible to get water out of a rimless tire.

14. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

15. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a spider bite?

16. In Minnesota it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head.

17. In Indiana it is illegal to ride public transportation for at least 30 minutes after eating garlic.

18. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

20. Polar bears are left-handed.

21. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

22. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

23. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

24. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

25. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.

27. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white but, actually clear.

28. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

29. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

30. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

31. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

32. Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump,"

33. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

34. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

35. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

36. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the Englishlanguage.

37. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

38. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

39. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

40. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

41. A snail can sleep for 3 years.

42. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

43. China has more English speakers than the United States.

44. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

45. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1,000 and a size 108.7 acres.

46. The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.

47. You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

48. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

49. The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

50. No president of the United States was an only child. . The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

52. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.


Missing Wife

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnie by Ajay Ambastha, Mumbai, India**

A man went to the police station with his next-door neighbor to report that his wife was missing. The policeman asked for a description. He said, "She's 35 years old, 5 foot 9, has dark eyes, dark, wavy hair, a beautiful smile, swimmers body, weighs 125 pounds, and is great with the kids."

The next-door neighbor blurted out, "What are you talking about?! Your wife is 56 years old, 5 foot 2, balding, has a foul mouth, no front teeth and she beats the crap out of your children."

The husband shot back, "OK, so you're right, but...who the hell wants HER back?"


Jesus on the Mountain

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Nancy Mrnak McKinley, Eau Claire, WI**

...Then Jesus took his disciples up to the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are you when you suffer. Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in heaven."

Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?' and Andrew said, "Will we have a test on this?"

Philip said, "I don't have any paper."

And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"

And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."

And Luke said, "What's this got to do with real life?"

And Mark said, "Huh?"

And Matthew said, "May I go to the bathroom?"



A weary mother returned from the store,

Lugging groceries through the kitchen door.

Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son,

Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.

"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call,

T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!

It's on the new paper you just hung in the den.

I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again."

She let out a moan and furrowed her brow,

"Where is your little brother right now?"

She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride,

She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.

She called his full name as she entered his room.

He trembled with fear--he knew that meant doom!

For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved

About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved.

Lamenting all the work it would take to repair,

She condemned his actions and total lack of care.

The more she scolded, the madder she got,

Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!

She headed for the den to confirm her fears.

When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears.

The message she read pierced her soul with a dart.

It said, "I love Mommy," surrounded by a heart.

Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it,

With an empty picture frame hung to surround it.

A reminder to her, and indeed to all,

Take time to read the handwriting on the wall 

Cuban Dictionary:

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jessica Gonzalez, Kettering, Ohio**

Bosguagon = n. the Volkswagen Beetle

marque = n. a supermarket

groceri = n. grocery store or supermarket

Guendis = n. Wendy's fast-food restaurant

Berguerquin = n. Burger King

Macdonal = n. McDonald's

Pisa Ho = n. Pizza Hut

Sebenileben = n. 7-Eleven convenience store

Berguerguin de Pollo = n. Kentucky Fried Chicken

El Pollo del Viejito = n. Kentucky Fried Chicken

Don Yon Silva = n. Long John Silver's fast-food restaurant

guarejaus = n. warehouse

pisicorre = n. station wagon

paraguero = n. inept motorist

saguacera = n. Miami's southwest residential areas

jandi = n. a parking space reserved for the handicapped

tique = n. ticket

transporteichon = n. barely adequate automobile

La Vaquita = n. the closest Farm Stores to your house

Yipe = n. rugged, four-wheel vehicle

dauntaun = n. urban downtown area

llompear = v. the act of connecting two vehicles' power sources together with jumper cables in order to induce recharging of one of the vehicle's batteries

parquear = v. the act of parking an automobile

un su = n. a legal suit

broder = n. brother

sueter = n. a sweater or cardigan

yin = n. a pair of jeans

blumer = n. women's underwear; panties

pantijo = n. panty hose

pulover = n. a T-shirt

tenis = n. athletic shoes; sneakers

chor = n. pair of shorts

yaqui = n. a jacket or windbreaker

Guachinton = n. Washington D.C.

rentar = v. to rent property

Mallamibish = n. Miami Beach

printear = v. to print; use of a computer printer

faxear = v. to fax

incontas = adj. Income Tax

mitin = n. a business meeting

bisne = n. a business or business endeavor

la casita = n. backyard tool shed

londri = n. laundry

duple = n. a duplex

utiliti = n. utility room

lobsi = n. the love seat

escochteip = n. Scotch Tape

liquiando = v. a leak

pin pan pun = n. portable bedding which can be folded for storage purposes; a cot

efichiensi = n. efficiency housing

Fa = n. Fab laundry detergent

pau pau = n. a spanking

lonchando = v. having lunch

cachu = n. tomato ketchup

quaquer = n. Quaker Oats brand cereal

quei = n. a cake

petipua = n. green peas

jambergue = n. a hamburger

Jamon del diablo = n. Underwood deviled-ham product

beicon = n. bacon

peter = n. any chocolate candy

cuqui = n. a cookie

yogur = n. yogurt

hotdo = n. a frankfurter

bistec = n. a steak

sanguiche = n. a sandwich

estop = n. stop sign

guau = adj. wow

chou = adj. to make a scene

roquenrol = adj. Rock 'n' roll

japiverdei = n. a birthday

embarkation = n. failure to adhere to a previous commitment or agreement

flonquear = v. to fail an examination or course

miamijapi = adj. Feeling of joy experienced by World Series Champs the Florida Marlins

americrismas = adj. holiday greeting exchanged among Spanish speakers

frizando = v. to make frozen; freezing

guas = wax


If Women Ruled The World

* Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

* PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

* Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

* Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

* A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

* Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

* Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

* "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

* Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

* Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

* Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"

* Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

* Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

* Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

* Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

* Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

* Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

* Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

* All toilet seats would be nailed down.

* Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

* TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

* All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

* During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.

* Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

* After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

* For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds for six weeks.


Speaking of travels.

I heard that when Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets.

Now, these weren't quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns.

Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.

"Not here!" they said. ...very confusing. Until ol' Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very impressed!

But still he wondered, "Why here?" At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch. So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.

Marc's guide replied: "Why honored Sir, ... We always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai"



Who's On First by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello - one of many versions of their famous act
(Abbott is the tall thin one and Costello is the short chubby guy)

Lou Costello: Hey Abbott.

Bud Abbott: What do want Costello?

Costello: Look Abbott. I understand that you're going to be the manager ofthe Lou Costello Junior Youth Foundation baseball team.

Abbott: Yes. We just organized the thing.

Costello: Oh you did?

Abbott: Sure!

Costello: Well I'd like to play on the team myself, you know, I know something about baseball.

Abbott: Well that can be accomplished.

Costello: Well I'd like to know some of the guys names on the team, so thatwhen I meet them on the street or in the ballpark, I'll be able to say hello to them.

Abbott: Well surely I'll introduce you to the boys. But, you know strangeas it may seem, they give these ballplayers, nowadays, very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Nicknames. Petnames. Like Dizzy Dean.....

Costello: Brother Daffy....

Abbott: Daffy Dean......

Costello: I'm their french cousin,.....

Abbott: French cousin?

Costello: Goofe'.

BUD: (singing) Take me out to the Ball game, Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and...

LOU: Peanuts! Popcorn! Get your Popper Jacks Here! Peanuts!

BUD: Sebastian! Sebastian, get over here. Pardon him folks.What do you think your doing?

LOU: I wanted the people to feel like they were in the ballpark, because.... (grabs bat)

LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tellme the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them inthat St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know thosefellows?

BUD: All right. but you know, strange as it may seems, theygive ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names,like "Dizzy Dean."

LOU: Not as peculiar as mine.... Sebastian Dimwitty

BUD: Oh Yes.

LOU: They got names funnier than mine? WOOOOOOOoooo (siren yell)

BUD: Oh Absolutely.

BUD: Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first,

What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --

LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me thenames of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don'tKnow is on third --

LOU: You know the fellows' names?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, then who's playin' first.

BUD: Yes

LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first base.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for?

BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.

LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?

BUD: That's the man's name!

LOU: That's who's name?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The first baseman.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?

BUD: Certainly.

LOU: Then who's playing first?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.

LOU: Who is?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So who gets it?

BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

LOU: Who's wife?

BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.

LOU: Who does?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.

BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.

LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.

BUD: Well, don't change the players around.

LOU: I'm not changing nobody.

BUD: Now, take it easy.

LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?

BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.

LOU: How could I get on third base?

BUD: You mentioned his name.

LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

BUD: No, Who's playing first.

LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?

BUD: Well what do you want me to do?

LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?

BUD: What's on second.

LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: He's on third.

LOU: There I go back on third again.

BUD: Well, I can't change their names.

LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.

BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.

LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.

BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.


LOU: You got an outfield?

BUD: Oh, sure.

LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?

BUD: Oh, absolutely.

LOU: The left fielder's name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.

BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

LOU: Then tell me who's playing left field.

BUD: Who's playing first.

LOU: Stay out of the infield!

BUD: Don't mention any names out here.

LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?

BUD: What is on second.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.

LOU: And the left fielder's name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: Because.

BUD: Oh he's Center Field.

LOU: (whimpers) Center field.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.

BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: You don't want to tell me today?

BUD: I'm telling you, man.

LOU: Then go ahead.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: What time?

BUD: What time what?

LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --


BUD: Then why come up here and ask?

LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.

BUD: What's on second.

LOU: I don't know.


LOU: You gotta Catcher?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: The Catcher's name?

BUD: Today.

LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.

BUD: Now you've got it.

LOU: That's all. St. Louis has a couple of days on their team.

BUD: Well I can't help that.

LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.

BUD: I know that.

LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.

BUD: Well I might arrange that.

LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher,

tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.


BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.

LOU: is to throw it to first base.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now who's got it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Who has it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally.


BUD: Now you've got it.

LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base.

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.


BUD: All right.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don't you throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.

LOU: That's what I said.

BUD: You did not.

LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.

BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: That's what I'm saying.

BUD: You're not saying that.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You throw it to Who!

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.


BUD: Now don't get excited.

LOU: Who's gettin' excited!! I throw the ball to first base--

BUD: Then Who gets it.

LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!

BUD: That's it. All right now. Take it easy.

LOU: Hrmmph.

BUD: Hrmmph.

LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grab the ball, so the guy runs to second.

BUD: Uh-huh.

LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.

BUD: Yeah. It could be.

LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a damn.

BUD: What did you say.

LOU: I said "I don't give a damn."

BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop! 


The Darwin Awards Nominees

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23 who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

8. [Ineligible, but credit given for trying]

AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.

Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "

I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds."

However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control of His cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

9. [Ineligible, better luck next year!] TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat, and stomach with no ill effects.

10. [Ineligible, but a strong contender for 99] TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and a least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near the railing. Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say,"said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

11. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:

1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;

2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places;

3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door;

4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

12. In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman, and was taken to hospital, where he died - of hypothermia.

13. In September, a 7-year- old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

14. There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folk climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down.

Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it. Public Service employees later pieced the rest of the story together.

The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower.

Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines, like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet.

When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced to his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower. The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top of the tower.


(1) In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22- caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

(2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

(3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ,in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

AND THE WINNER IS.... Japan Times-April 16, 1997

"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of 'Pumping'", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood." He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room.

"Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God."

It appears that the young Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, so he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it, so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot.

As a result, he died virtually instantly, leaving passers-by still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight firework display, and started clapping. "We still haven't located all of him", say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something."

"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."

Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed Darwin Award recipient!

I Need An Accountant

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.

"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."



A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was his turn.

He rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature." His questionwas, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can youhear it?"

He thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


The blonde reported for her university final examination which consisted of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she was all done whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on. Her reply was "I finished the exam in half and hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."


Real Mothers -

- don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

- know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

- often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

- know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpet.

- don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

- sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a

little voice says, "because I love you best."

- know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or

grade. . .It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom...


The Images of Mother:

4 YEARS OF AGE -- My Mommy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE -- My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE -- My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE -- Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE -- Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE -- That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE -- Well, she might know a little bit about it.

35 YEARS OF AGE -- Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE -- Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE -- Wish I could talk it over with Mom..... >>




In the beginning...

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jose Ceballos, Caracas,


After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand, and took her behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged, and said, "Lord, that was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "Lord, what's a 'caress'?" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief instruction, and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."

And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam said, "Lord, what's 'making love'?" So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam again went to Eve, behind the bush.

But this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what's a 'headache' ?"



True Confessions

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Alex Montiel, San Francisco,


Mark decided to propose to Juanita, but prior to her acceptance Juanita had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Mark that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was ok because he loved her so much.

However, Mark felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Mark looked Juanita in the eyes and said...."I too had a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said "yes I would marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Juanita and Mark got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Mark wisked Juanita off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another... As Juanita put her hands in Mark's pants she began to scream and run out of the room. Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong. She stated to Mark, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

Mark said, "Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces... and 19" long!!




**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Nora Soto de Ransom, Lerma,


A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"OK," said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."

"Thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but


"Yes, son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"




Definitions from The College Dictionary

Cafeteria: From 2 Latin words, "cafe" meaning place to eat and

"teria" meaning to wretch.

Major: Area of study that no longer interest you

Student Athlete: See "contraction in terms"

Grade: Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment

Summer School: A viable alternative to a summer job.

Quarter: The most coveted form of currency on campus.

Hunger: Condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying.




"It's So Hot In Texas That......"

*The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

*The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

*Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.


"It's So Dry In Texas That..."

*The cows are giving evaporated milk.

*The trees are whistling for the dogs.

*A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me,

cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."

*A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher puffed up, we got about two and a half inches of that."


"You Know You're In Texas When..."

*You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

*You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

*You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

*You can make instant sun tea.

*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

*The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

*You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

*You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

*You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

*Hot water now comes out of both taps.

*It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

*You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

*You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. beforework.

*No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

*Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

*You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.



Pre-Relationship Agreement

The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of

sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the

party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):

1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship

(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to

fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children,

bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange

political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone

else that have not yet terminated. Further, each party agrees to make

known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with

pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these

disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said

relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person

who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the

"matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to

be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser",

see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any

picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho nut

case", see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal


3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past

the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following

terminology in describing their said "dating":

For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are

"going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of

exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may

say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third

parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of

the first date, either member may elect to use the terms

"girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer

to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my

better half", "the little woman", "the old ball and chain", or "my

old man/lady" acceptable.

Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up;

however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this

schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the

grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the


4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties

agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends,

weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or

expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights"

or "holds" on the other's time.

Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party

continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded

party" agrees to "give up".

5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of

the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work

pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made

at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running

off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and

both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from

their vocabularies.

Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said

relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to

arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.

Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to

their normal personalities.

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income

aside -- "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters,

and breakfasts until: "He" considers her suitably impressed, "he" is

broke, or "he" says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!"

Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom,

which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand

at the time.

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother

to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship

progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a

week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between

their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides

will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.

He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her

apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and

assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to

respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".

8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member

of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use

of phrases like "Let's move in together", "Why don't we start a

family?" and using archaic terminology like "Let's get married".

9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree

not to use the phrase "I love you". They may love plants, dogs, cats,

cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not

each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in

the other party using the "G" word... "Gone".

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for

immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:

Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,

Ending an argument with the sentence "My ex used to do the same

thing"; Suggesting that no matter how kindly that the other member

should seek "help"; Ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst

thinks you are..."

11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup, each party

reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all

of the following phrases: "You'll never find anybody better"; "Nobody

could ever make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really

appreciate me"; "My analyst think you are..." (appropriate

psychosis/neurosis goes here)

12. MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such

time as the relationship appear to be "on the rocks".

Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice

before terminating said relationship.

At the termination of said affair, both parties agree to be mature

and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door

keys, and personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial


Each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before

engaging in sex with any of the other's friends.

Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period

of at least seven days (bedroom performace included), and further

consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description

of the breakup:

"The timing wasn't right."

"He/she wanted more than I could give."

"He/she was too involved in his/her career."

"He/she decided to go back to his/her lover/hometown/therapist."

13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup -- no matter what -- both

parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".

Just 4 Laughs!


There was this little old lady who was nearly blind and she had

three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son #1 bought her a 15 room mansion thinking this would surely be

the best any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included

thinking her would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a

trained parrot that had been training for 15 years to memorize the

entire Bible. You could ask of him any verse in the Bible and the

parrot could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house

is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live

in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care

of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she confronted her second son with "Son, the car is beautiful,

it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I

really don't like that driver, so please return the car."

Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son I just want to

thank you for that most thoughtful gift. That chicken was


Received from Dave via Bill's Punch Line.


Polish Know How

Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe.

So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes.

A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: "As your neighbours, we are deeply touched you requested our help, etc. etc, but we have no idea at all how to do it".

The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it".

The Polish fax read: "As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation.

"We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually.

"So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane."



"Test Your Smarts" if you have time, otherwise delete:

1. The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't see it. What is it?

2. A child was born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child was not a United States citizen. How is this possible?

3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?

4. Claire Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers he defeated them and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership. World War I. From the Men of 8'th Battalion." Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story?

6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agreed is between "heaven" and "earth"?

7. In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year?

8. A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died and she never divorced. How was this possible?

9. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills?

10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?

11. A taxi driver was called to take a group of passengers to the train station. The station is normally an hour away, but with traffic being extra heavy, it took a full hour and a half. On the return trip the traffic was still as heavy and yet it took only 90 minutes. Why?

12. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.

13. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?

14. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the eggs are white" or "The yolk of the eggs is white"?

15. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

16. An electrician and a plumber were waiting in line for admission to the "International Home Show". One of them was the father of the other's son. How could this be possible?

17. After the new Canon Law that took effect on November 27, 1983, would a Roman Catholic man be allowed to marry his widow's sister?


OK.....How do you think you did?

The Answers

1. a coffin

2. the child was born before 1776

3. Mount Everest, it just hadn't been discovered.

4. Claire lives in the southern hemisphere.

5. World War I wasn't called "World War I" until World War II.

6. The word "and".

7. They fall in the same year every year, New Year's Day just arrives

very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year.

8. The lady was a Justice of the Peace.

9. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one

dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.

10. Only once, then you are subtracting it from 20.

11. An hour and a half IS 90 minutes.

12. "one word"

13. Penguins live in the Antarctic.

14. Neither, the yolk of the eggs is yellow.

15. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg.

16. They were husband and wife.

17. He can't because he's dead.



India Jokes

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Hemant Marda, Kathmandu, Nepal**

There was once an Indian and a Pakistani who lived next door to each other.

The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up

one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the

Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani

pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg

belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the

egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we

normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the face and

time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the face and

time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the


The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of

boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the

Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the face. The Pakistani fell to

the floor clutching his jaw howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"


Do you know What Surdarji will do after taking Xerox ?

He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes.


Do you know what surdarji will do if he wants a white paper? (He already has

one and he wants one more..)

He takes a Xerox of the white paper.


Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy

sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station

arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji

deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly

shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up,

and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly

screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife, "What's the matter?" He

replied, "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else!"


Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking

God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing. What are you

thanking God for?"

The sardarji replied, "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."


Surjit Singh saw that his friend Baljit Singh was very depressed. "What

happened?" asked Surjit.

"Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday."

"How come?"

"Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England was being shown

live on TV. I bet Rs.500 that India would win, but I lost the bet."

"But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go?"

Yaar, I bet on the highlights too."


An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie

detector. The Englishman says, "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer."

"BUZZZZZZ," goes the lie detector.

"Ok," he says, "10 bottles."

And the machine is silent.

The American says, "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers."

"BUZZ," goes the lie detector.

"All right, 8 hamburgers."

And the machine's silent.

The Sardarji says, "I think..,"

"BUZZZZZZ," goes the machine.



Don't Like Your Job?

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic

illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to

take her dose orally, so a Cal pharmacologist developed a


The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets coated are crafted

by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame, CA.

Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including

one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a

full-arm glove. FIVE people have jobs worse than yours! See there

is always something to be thankful for...



A Gandhi Lesson

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Merrie Kippur, Denver, Colorado

via Karen Isaak**

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him what?

A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.



Mother of Six

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Darren Willis, Virginia Beach,


A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife has borne 6 children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?" This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.

Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out,

"Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!"

The wife siezed the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with you -- father of four!"




The following is excerpted from a 1950 high school home-economicstextbook.


Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a

delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have

been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are

hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of

the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed

when he arrives. Touch up your makeup; put a ribbon in your hair and be

fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a

little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a


Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the

house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys,

paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will

feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a

lift too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands

and faces, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes!

They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the


Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of

the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be

quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile and be glad to see


Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't

complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with

what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have

him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the

bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow

and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a soft, soothing and pleasant

voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment

of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to

dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand

his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The goal: Try to make your home of peace and order where your husband

can renew himself in body and spirit.



Training Courses Now Available for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away

7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back

8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill

15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts

16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't

Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

Received from Cadre N. Griffin


Found on Bathroom Walls

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all

get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

To do is to be. -Descartes

To be is to do. -Voltaire

Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

-Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea. Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

-Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. --Heck, do both, get married!

-Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

-Revolution Books. New York, New York.


Expectant Times

There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws place. He was absolutely positive that his wife was going to present him with a boy and wouldnt hear of anything else. As his leave balance had gone into the red, he told his father-in-law,

"When my son comes, do not call up office and say that I have become a father of a boy. Then I'll have to shell out a lot for parties, etc. Just tell me that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of my son."

The offspring does arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

So he sends the message,

"The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."


Would You Re Marry?

A middle-aged couple was discussing life, and preparing wills.

The conversation turned to remarriage...

Wife: If I should die first, will you remarry?

Husband: Probably, I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life alone.

Wife: Would you bring your new wife into our home that we have shared?

Husband: I don't see why not. It would be empty, you wouldn't be there.

Wife: Would you share the same bed we've shared?

Husband: Well, it's a comfortable bed...

Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes?

Husband: Sure, if they fit. They are quite nice.

Wife: Would you let her use my golf clubs?

Husband: No. That’s not likely. Linda is left-handed.



Fifty Fun things

Fifty Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam):

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourett's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"



An Essay about English - Author Unknown

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.



A Rare Occurence?

**Contributed by to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Karen Isaak, Denver, Colorado**

Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the

Obstetrics department: a child was born with both male and female organs.

A penis and a brain.




Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Have you ever wondered about your inability to daydream?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?



**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Tom Berglind, Fargo, ND

* you only own three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup

* you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit

* the mosquitoes have landing lights

* you have more miles on your snowblower than your car

* you have 10 favorite recipes for venison

* Menards on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas

* you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard

* driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow

* you think everyone from the city has an accent

* you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons

* you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car

* the local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports

* at least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant

* the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun

* your snowblower gets stuck on the roof

* you think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday

* you know which leaves make good toilet paper

* the mayor greets you on the street by your first name

* there is only one shopping plaza in town

* the major parish fundraiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making

* you find -20F a little chilly

* the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer

* you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your snowmobile boots

* you can play road hockey on skates

* shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout

* you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Road Construction.




From: "The Dilbert Principle" by Scott Adams

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know.

All technical professionals share a common set of traits. For convenience, I will focus primarily on engineers. It is safe to generalize to the other science and technology professions.

For the record, I'm not an engineer by training. But I spent ten years working with engineers and programmers in a variety of jobs. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

In time, I came to respect and appreciate the ways of engineers. Eventually I found myself adopting their beautiful yet functional philosophies about life. It was too late for me to go back to school and become a real engineer but at least I could pretend to be one and enjoy the obvious benefits of elevated sexual appeal. So far I think it's working.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.



You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.


A. Straighten it.

B. Ignore it.

C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

My contribution to the understanding of engineers will be to try to explain the noble, well-reasoned motives behind what the so-called normal people perceive as odd behaviors.






It's totally unfair to suggest--as many have--that engineers are socially inept. Engineers simply have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation

*Important social contacts

*A feeling of connectedness with other humans

These goals are irrational and stupid. Experience shows that most conversations degenerate into discussions about parking spaces, weather patterns, elapsed time since you last exercised, and--God forbid--"feelings." Those topics hardly qualify as stimulating and thought-provoking. Nor are they useful.

Engineers realize that making personal contacts is not valuable in their occupation. For them it's not "who you know" that matters, it's "who knows less than you do" that counts.

Nor is there much tangible value in feeling "connected" with other humans. That stuff is best left to the poets and the multilevel marketing organization. To an engineer, most "normal" people are intellectually indistinguishable from Mexican jumping beans with faces. Feeling "connected" with carbon-based dolts holds all the joy of being handcuffed to a dead zebra--it sounds special, but it can get old fast.

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

*Get it over with as soon as possible.

*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.

*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.


These are sensible goals and ones that can produce great joy. The social skill of an engineer must be evaluated on the basis of these rational objectives, not on the basis of bizarre and nonsensical societal standards. Viewed in this light, I think you'll agree that engineers are very effective in their social interactions. It's the "normal" people who are nuts.




To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

That's a good thing, society-wise.

If not for the compulsions of engineers, mankind would have never seen the wheel, settling instead for the trapezoid because some Neanderthal in Marketing convinced everybody it had great braking ability. And there would be no fire, because some middle-manager cave person would point out that if fire was such a good idea the other cave people would already be using it.


Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

If you think about it logically, you are the only person who doesn't have to look at yourself, not counting the brief moments you look in the mirror. Engineers understand that their appearance only bothers other people and therefore it is not worth optimizing.

Another plus: Bad fashion can discourage normal people from interacting with the engineer and talking about the cute things their children do.


Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship <Enterprise> are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms. Consequently, ratings for "Star Trek" will remain high as long as they stay away from any realism.



Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.

For society, it's probably a good thing that engineers value function over appearance. For example, you wouldn't want engineers to build nuclear power plants that only <look> like they would keep all the radiation inside. You have to consider the global perspective. But the engineer's emphasis on function over form is a big disadvantage for dating, where the goal is to act phony until the other person loves you for the person that you are.

Engineers don't like to make small talk because no useful information is exchanged. It is more useful to explain complicated technology issues to any human who will stand still. That way at least some information is exchanged and the encounter is not wasted. Unfortunately, it seems that a normal person would rather have a bushel of pine cones rammed up the nose than listen to a story about technology. But that's no reason to stop imparting valuable knowledge to a person who doesn't want it.

Sometimes normal people will try to use body language to end an encounter with an engineer. But engineers ignore body language because it is an imprecise science at best. For example, it's almost impossible to tell the difference between a comatose stare and an expression of interest.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to <date> an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to <mate> with them, thus producing engineerlike children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:


* Bill Gates.

* MacGyver.

* Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.




Engineers are often stereotyped in the media. It is horribly unfair to assign a set of common traits to an entire of people. There is some talk that I have been guilty of doing this myself, but I contend I've been framed.

To set the record straight, I have interviewed thousands of engineers and determined that the stereotypes do <not> fit them all. Here are the exceptions I found:



Elmer Moline, Calgary, Canada Had a second date at age twenty-three

Herb Blinthem, San Jose, CA Enjoyed <Bridges of Madison County>

Anita Fluman, Dublin, CA Has rhythm

Hugh Hunkelbein, Schaumburg, IL Doesn't care how his television remote

control works as long as it does


For humans, honesty is a matter of degree. Engineers are always honest matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. But thanks to the concept of "common usage" this is not technically dishonest in the modern workplace.

Sometimes engineers say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer

lies is listed below.

"I won't change anything without asking you first."

"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."

"I <have> to have new equipment to do my job."

"I'm not jealous of your new computer."


Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or

mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"



Engineers are always delighted to share wisdom, even in areas in which they have no experience whatsoever. Their logic provides them with inherent insight into any field of expertise. This can be a problem when dealing with the illogical people who believe that knowledge can only be derived through experience.


Most people don't know what it means to be an engineer. There are many types of engineers and they do many fascinating things during the workday. However, the excitement and pure adrenaline rush of the engineer's life is sometimes lost when it is explained to other people.


If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely.

There are numberous reports,(I can't remember where I saw these reports, but when I think of it I'll mail you copies.), of engineers who were halfway through the embalming process before they sat up and shouted something like "I've got it--all it needs is a backup relay circuit!!!" Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.


Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes

one little

mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.


* <Hindenberg>.

* Space Shuttle <Challenger>.

* Hubble space telescope.

* <Apollo 13>.

* <Titantic>.

* Ford Pinto.

* Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:


Public humiliation and the death A certificate of appreciation in a

of thousands of innocent people. handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense:

"It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

The quickest way to make a project uneconomical is by doubling the resources needed and using the cover story that you need to prevent failures.


Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

* How smart they are.

* How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal--a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Not only is it better at the moment, but it lasts for as long as people will listen to the engineer's tale of conquest.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines:


"I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

Engineers can actually hear machines talk to them. The rattle in the car's engine teases softly, "I'll bet you can't find me." The computer hums an approving tune when the engineer writes an especially brilliant piece of computer code. The toaster says "Not yet, not yet, not yet" until the toast pops out. An engineer who is surrounded by machines is never lonely and never judged by appearance. These are friends.




Apologies to England's Cricket team and their fans

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ajay Ambastha, Mumbai, India**

Q. What is the height of optimism?

A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.


Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?

A. An all-rounder.


Q. What is the main function of the England coach?

A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.


Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?

A. Because he was born in England.


Q. What's the English version of a hat-trick?

A. Three runs in three balls.


Q. Why don't English fielders need pre-tour travel injections?

A. Because they never catch anything.


Q. What's the English version of LBW?

A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.


Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?

A. A bowler.


Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Stewart?

A. The walk back to the pavilion.


Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?

A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.


Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussain, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex, Tudor and Graham Hick have over the rest of their team mates?

A. At least they can say they're not really English.


Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?

A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.


Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.


Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?

A. So they can at least say they passed a century.


Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in the English world cup squad?

A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites.


Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?

A. Because they can get out without even trying.


Q. What does Gough put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?

A. A bat.


Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and Graeme Hick?

A. Cinderella made it to the ball.

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