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Thoughts on Cats

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."

- Dave Platt

 

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

-Anonymous

 

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."

- Anonymous

 

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."

- Jeff Valdez

 

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."

- English proverb

 

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."

- Ellen Perry Berkeley

 

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are G-d."

 

"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway

 

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."

- Mary Bly

 

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."

- Joseph Wood Krutch

 

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."

- Faith Resnick

 

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous

 

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."

- Hippolyte Taine

 

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."

- Albert Schweitzer

 

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."

- Ernest Menaul

 

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."

- Colette

 

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."

- Anonymous

 

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."

- Missy Dizick

 

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."

- Colonial American proverb

 

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."

- Joseph Wood Krutch

 

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."

- John S. Nichols

 

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will p**s on your computer."

- Bruce Graham

 

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."

"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes."

Groaner Puns -

A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash. The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was creating a . . . bottomless pit!

I have a dog that talks in its sleep but one day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!" When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied,... "Don't worry about it. . . . just let sleeping dogs lie." (By Sandy Illes)

In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No." After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became . . . the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog! (By Robert W. Leisure)

One time my father accompanied me when I took my dog out for his evening constitutional. My dog is rather finicky about where he "does it." I wondered aloud about the criterion he uses to select a spot. My father replied, ... "it's a process of elimination!"

Received from Stan Kegel.

Guard Dogs

A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialised in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."

"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."


Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park, MN

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attemp to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.


Signs Your Cat has a Personality Disorder...

* Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!

* You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.

* Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.

* Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.

* No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again...

* Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door.

* Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.

* Rides in your car with its head out the window.

* She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.

* You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.

* Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans.

* Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.

* After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.

* Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.

* Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.

* Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

from Just 4 Laughs!


Rules for cats who have a house to run

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park, MN**

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping":

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

VII. COMPUTERS:

Rule no. 1: only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.

2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.

3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.

4: always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.

5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.

 

 

Things Dogs Must Try To Remember...

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

from Just 4 Laughs!

 

DOGGY DEFINITIONS

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to human's crotches.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require..... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. If not, you can always sniff their crotches.

from Just 4 Laughs!

 

Cat Commandments

Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.

Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shall not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.

Thou shall not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

Thou shall not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.

Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shall not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shall not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.

Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.

Thou shall not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

Thou shall show remorse when being scolded.

from Just 4 Laughs!

Simplified procedure for bathing your cat

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bob Laurie, Juneau, AK**

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

JOB DONE!

 

 

Dog at the Movie

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ajay Ambastha, Mumbai, India**

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre, who has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't find it unusual?"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated the book!"

CAT HAIKU

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Gloria Mason Martin, Atlanta, Georgia**

 

You never feed me.

Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.

That will show you.

 

You must scratch me there!

Yes, above my tail! Behold,

Elevator butt.

 

The rule for today:

Touch my tail, I shred your hand.

New rule tomorrow.

 

In deep sleep hear sound

Cat throwup hairball somewhere

Will find in morning

 

Grace personified,

I leap into the window.

I meant to do that.

 

Blur of motion, then-

Silence, me, a paper bag.

What is so funny?

 

You're always typing.

Well, let's see you ignore my

Sitting on your hands.

 

My small cardboard box.

You cannot see me if I

Can hide my head.

 

Terrible battle.

I fought for hours. Come and see!

What's a "master's thesis?"

 

Small brave carnivores

Kill pine cones and mosquitoes

Fear vacuum cleaner

 

Wanna go outside.

Oh, no! Help! I got outside!

Let me back inside!

 

Oh no! The Big One

has been trapped by newspaper!

Cat to the rescue!

 

Cats meow out of angst

"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!

We could break so much!"

 

The Big Ones snore now

Every room is dark and cold

Time for "Cup Hockey"

 


 

Once upon a time, a woman had a wonderful and faithful cat that liked to wander about. One day, a man ran over the cat with his car. The man, who knew where the cat lived, went to the woman and said, "I'm so sorry about your cat. I'd like to replace her."

"That so nice of you!" said the old woman.

"So, you are good at catching mice, eh?"


I Wonder Why?

Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a days training.

One says to the other "I can't understand why we are so slow, we come from good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and yet we come last in every race."

There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said "I know what your problem is. I have seen you race and it looks to me as if you race off at the start really fast and use up all your energy and then you have nothing left. What you should do is pace yourselves and when all the other horses are knackered, put in a spurt and you're sure to win. What do you think of that?".

The horses looked at one another and said "WOW, a talking dog!"

 

Dog Haiku

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bob Laurie, Juneau, Alaska, who dedicates this to all his doggy friends**

Haiku stands as one of the great cultural gifts of the East. This wonderful poetic form in which a universal moment is captured in just three short lines of 5-7-5 syllables, bespeaks the magnificent skill of brevity.

I love my master;

Thus I perfume myself with

This long-rotten squirrel.

 

I lie belly-up

In the sunshine, happier than

You ever will be

 

Today I sniffed

Many dog butts-I celebrate

By kissing your face.

 

I sound the alarm!

Paperboy-come to kill us all-

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

 

I sound the alarm!

Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all-

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

 

I sound the alarm!

Meter reader-come to kill all-

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

 

I sound the alarm!

Garbage man-come to kill us all-

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

 

I sound the alarm!

Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all!

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

 

I lift my leg and

Wiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -

Sniff this and weep

 

How do I love thee?

The ways are numberless as

My hairs on the rug.

 

My human is home!

I am so ecstatic I have

Made a puddle

 

I hate my choke chain -

Look, world, they strangle me! Ack

Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

 

Sleeping here, my chin

On your foot - no greater bliss - well,

Maybe catching cats

 

Look in my eyes and

Deny it. No human could

Love you as much I do

 

The cat is not all

Bad-she fills the litter box

With Tootsie Rolls

 

Dig under fence-why?

Because it's there. Because it's

There. Because it's there.

 

I am your best friend,

Now, always, and especially

When you are eating.

 

You may call them fleas,

But they are far more -I call

Them a vocation

 

My owners' mood is

Romantic-I lie near their

Feet. I fart a big one.

 

While Waiting His Date...

Rick got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on the blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

With a magnificant view, Paul went onto the balcony and started playing with the dog, who was rolling over and sitting up and obviously wanting to play. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing.

Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen ?

"To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

 

A Little Boy with a Puppy...

I saw a four year old little boy with a puppy the other day.

He had a leash around the dogs balls and was making it pull a wagon!

I told him he should put the leash around the pup's neck and the little boy said "But then I would lose my siren!"

ouch...

 

Country Solutions

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Thirty dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."



What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They're totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8) They're moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.

 

What is a Dog?

1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4) They growl when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to play.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They are great at begging.

8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

9) They leave their toys everywhere.

10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny little men in fur coats.....

Received from Schmidt Associates, Inc. off The Good, Clean Funnies List

 

Dogs

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jeff Swenson, Pelican Rapids, MN**

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE

1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.

2. Both take up too much space on the bed.

3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.

4. Both are threatened by their own kind.

5. Neither understands what you see in cats.

6. Both want dominance.

7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.

8. Both chase cars.

9. The larger ones tend to drool.

10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

 

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.

3. You can train a dog.

4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

5. Dogs understand what "NO" means.

6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

7. When dogs play "fetch", they don't laugh at how you throw.

8. Dogs are color blind.

9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside.

 

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

2. Dogs like beer.

3. Dogs don't hate their bodies.

4. Dogs don't criticize.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs never expect gifts.

7. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.

8. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.

9. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

10. Dogs don't cry.

11. Dogs love it when your friends come over.

12. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

13. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late - the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

14. Anyone can get a good looking dog.

15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

16. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

17. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

18. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

19. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

20. A dog's parents never visit.

 

WHAT NOT TO NAME YOUR DOG

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I called mine SEX. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had sex since I was 9 years old."

He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took Sex with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand" I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for the custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 2 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "Looking for Sex." MY CASE COMES UP FRIDAY.

 

 

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance.

A cat shows up.

St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."

Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."

St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."

Next a group of mice appeared.

St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."

The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"

St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."

Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"

Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"

-=+=-

Jesus is Watching

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. " Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. " The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"

"Moses," Replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

Submitted by Tom Williams.

-=+=-

A Happy-Go-Lucky Dog

Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different.

Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope.

Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg. Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth.

For Trouser had learned that .... a mime is a terrible thing to taste.

--------------------------------------------

The above from the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

Great truths about life brought to us by children:

- No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

- You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

- Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

- Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

 

Other factoids and questions:

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty litter?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.

 

Doggone Good Stuff

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Karen Gerlach, Philadelphia, PA

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."-- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."-- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"-- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."-- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."-- Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."-- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."-- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."-- Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."-- Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."-- Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."--John Steinbeck

BUMPER STICKERS SIGHTED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

 

DOG PROVERBS

 

Dogs at the Vet

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lee Bright, Long Beach, CA

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's: a Poodle, a Terrier and a Great Dane. They're all discussing what they're in for.

The Terrier says, "I can't help but bite the postman, every time he turns up I'm after him down the path. The Post Office have complained to my owners and they've agreed to put me to sleep."

All the dogs agree that this is a great shame.

The Poodle then states why it's at the vet's. "Every time I see a car I'm over the fence and chasing after it. It's really great fun -- but the problem is that a car I was chasing yesterday swerved to avoid me and crashed, killing the driver. My owners have decided that I have to be put down so that I don't cause any more accidents."

The Poodle and the Terrier turn to the Great Dane to hear his story.

"Well, my owner had just had a bath," says the Great Dane. "She was bending over in the bedroom drying her legs. Well, boys, I just couldn't resist it! I climbed aboard and had my way with her."

"So are you here to be put to sleep as well then?" asked the Poodle.

"No" smiled the Great Dane, "I'm getting my nails trimmed."

 

 

How To Photograph A New Puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera.

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

13. Put magazines back on coffee table.

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

17. Call spouse to clean up mess.

18. Fix a drink.

19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

--------------------------------------------

Just 4 Laughs!

 

THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS...

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. It sheds light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore and am lonesome. It is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility." And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.

 

Working Dogs

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Kieron Sweeney, Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T- Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the 3 men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, screwed the other 3, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

 

Thoughts on Cats

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."

- Dave Platt

 

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

-Anonymous

 

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."

- Anonymous

 

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."

- Jeff Valdez

 

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."

- English proverb

 

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."

- Ellen Perry Berkeley

 

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

 

"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway

 

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."

- Mary Bly

 

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."

- Joseph Wood Krutch

 

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."

- Faith Resnick

 

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous

 

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."

- Hippolyte Taine

 

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."

- Albert Schweitzer

 

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."

- Ernest Menaul

 

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."

- Colette

 

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."

- Anonymous

 

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."

- Missy Dizick

 

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."

- Colonial American proverb

 

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."

- Joseph Wood Krutch

 

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."

- John S. Nichols

 

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will p**s on your computer."

- Bruce Graham

 

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."

 

"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."

--------------------------------------------

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

 

Strict, Unbending Rules For Stray Cats

1. Stray cats will not be fed.

2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.

7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".

11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.

13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.

16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

17. Stray cats will sleep outside.

18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.

20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.

22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.

24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.

26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.

27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

--------------------------------------------

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

One fall day, Dave was raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave ran up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife", the man replied.

"I'm sorry", replied Dave. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died".

Dave then asked the man who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well".

"Can I borrow the dog?" says Dave.

"Get in line," replied the man

 

DOGGY LIST

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Althea McDonald, Rockville,Maryland**

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person

where you want him/her to go.

 

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest

room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

 

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this

properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall

to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

 

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as

close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several

times, or until your person makes you stop.

 

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your

ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with

your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to

shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

 

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body

fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out,

bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and

falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

 

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in

and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person,

then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

 

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain

amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the

danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and

following at their heels.

 

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy

wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all

over the house until your person comes home.

 

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to

run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

 

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and

themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

 

LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially if your

person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

 

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a

fresh cup of coffee or tea.

 

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't

get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The

Sniff. See above.

 

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction.

The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a

human will love you in return.

 

 

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS

(Thanks Susan from KC for this.)

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!

 

 

CAT MIRACLE DIET

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!

Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!

 

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

 

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

 

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

 

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

 

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

 

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A BATH.

by Jens Vidar Tandberg copyright 1998

----------------------------

A 5 step guide to washing one of our furry little friends, without risking life, neither yours nor the lives of anyone who happens to be stupid enough to voulenteer to help you with such a monstrous task.

You will need:

- A cat (obviously). (Don't do this with your neighbor's cat unless you feel in need of practice. Generally, not a good idea).

- A good friend (one who will sacrifice his/her life for you).

- 200 meters of band aids, antibiotic ointment and pain pills

- Patience, and the mentality of a kamikaze pilot.

- Immediate access to a good doctor/plastic surgeon/psychiatrist.

- 5-6 SWAT team cops (or Navy SEALS if you prefer).

- A strong deathwish or masochismic bent

 

Getting Started.

First, here are a couple of things you should know about cats, before you start:

1. Cats hate water about as much as you hate getting your face torn to shreds by frantic cat claws.

2. Cats do not care whether you survive or not. They have little or no respect for human life in general. A cat will, without any hesitation or remorse, tear your eyeballs out, or remove all the skin off your body.

3. Although you have the advantage of size, the little bugger WILL use any dirty tricks he can think of, so should you.

4. Do not expect to outsmart your little feline friend, as it is a well known fact that any cat is smarter than any person who is dumb enough to try to bathe one.

Ok, now you should be somewhat prepared for the task that lies ahead, although, you should be aware that no man can ever really be prepared for the ultimate test of manhood, catbathing.

 

STEP 1

Take your cat under your arm, nonchalantly, like it was just to pat him a little, make sure that the cat has no idea of your foul intentions, you can control this by putting your ear next to the cat's throat and making sure that the the cat shakes kinda like the strange banana you found in mom's bedroom. If there is a soft purrrrring sound, you are safe. If the cat just stares at you with a suspicious look... DROP THE STUPID THING AND RUN!

STEP 2

Wait a couple of hours, until the animal is sound asleep, and go in for a surprise attack. Sit down next to him and start talking to him, patting him carefully on the tummy (NOTE: some cats do not like to be touched on that particular spot, you should know if your cat is one of'em, check your hands/face/arms/shoulders/legs/back/groin/butt for scars to make sure). Keep this up until the cat has started purrrrring. Put your sole in to it, or else the cat will know that foul play is involved. Remember the cat has nine lives to spend, while you have but one. If you have to spend the next two days assuring your wife that you love her just as much as the cat, you know you did a good job.

STEP 3

Redecorate the bath to make it look like a kitty heaven, cats have an instinct, you see. Even a cat that has never seen the inside of a bath will instinctively know what is going on when you take him into a bathroom. This is known as "predestinate water syndrome" and has also been observed on young human specimen. Take the cat in your hands, and start running for the bathroom. You should hire proffesionals to open/close the doors for you, or else you will fail miserably. Navy SEALs should be a good help here. Try opening a door with a rabid kitty in your hands, and you'll see what is meant.

STEP 4

a) Try to throw cat into bathtub.

b) Remove cat from scalp.

c) Consider getting a new cat.

d) Push cat into tub.

e) Go see a doctor to stop bleeding from hands and face.

f) Consider getting a new cat.

g) Put duct tape on cat's claws.

h) Get friend to hold cat while pouring water on him.

i) Remove duct tape from inner ear, and remove cat from friends' reproductive organs.

j) Consider getting a new cat.

k) Tie cat's legs together with dental floss threads, get friend to help holding the cat down while soaping him up.

l) Remove Dental floss from anal opening, remove slippery cat from friends face (NOTE: Very hard).

m) Consider getting a new cat.

n) Get four Navy SEALs to help hold cat's paws, while you try to dry him with a towel.

o) Pay for Navy SEALs' bills from the plastic surgeon

p) Consider getting a new cat.

q) Open door to let cat go lick himself dry.

r) Go see a psychiatrist (by now, you will need it).

s) Consider getting a dog.

STEP 5

Nobody has ever reached this far, but if you do, call guinness book of records.

Congratulations, your cat is now clean, although you now look like something one would normally cook for dinner.

by Jens Vidar Tandberg copyright 1998

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

Dogs

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Steve Sorsby, Mexico City

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and ate the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

 

 

It's a dog's life.

"We will not have him put down. Lucky is basically a damn good guide dog," Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told reporters. "He just needs a little brush-up on some elementary skills, that's all."

Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of all four of his previous owners. "I admit it's not an impressive record on paper. He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He actually pushed his third owner off a railway platform just as the Cologne-to-Frankfurt express was approaching, and he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before abandoning him and running away to safety. But, apart from epileptic fits, he has a lovely temperament. And guide dogs are difficult to train these days."

Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous record, Gerber replied: "No. It would make them nervous, and would make Lucky nervous. And when Lucky gets nervous he's liable to do something silly."

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

 

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Ruin

 

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS:

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot

manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is

available, shag is good.

 

2. DOORS:

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened,

stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened,

it is not necessary to use it.

After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in

and out and think about several things, This is particularly

important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito

season.

 

3. GUESTS:

Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that

human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop"

on your breath.

 

For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric

color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white

furred cats go to black wool clothing.

 

For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof

disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle.

 

When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to

look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But

you always allow me on the table when company isn't here."

 

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do

anything. Just sit and stare.

 

4. WORK:

If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle,

stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known

as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:

 

A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the

cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of

being stepped on, picked up and consoled.

 

B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the

human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book

itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded. Your

human will appreciate a home-made toy!

 

C. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the

knitter and pretend to doz. Occasionally reach out and slap the

knitting needles or split yarn. The knitter may try to distract

you with a scrap ball of yarn. Remember, the aim is to hamper

work.

 

5. PLAY:

It is important. Get enough sleep in the day time so you are

fresh for playing catch mouse or king-o-the-hill on their bed

between 2am and 4am.

 

MOST IMPORTANT: Begin people training early. You will then have a

smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They

can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

--------------------------------------------

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

My Dog...

Morris in Brooklyn lived in a big home with his pet dog that he loved for 12 years. His best and only companion. The dog died, and a heart-broken Morris went to the Rabbi of his congregation and asked, "Rabbi, my dog is dead. Could you please offer a prayer for this faithful creature? "

The Rabbi replied, "No, we cannot hold services for an animal in our synagogue, but nearby there is a new temple that opened, and no telling what they believe, maybe they can hold services for an animal."

Morris said, "So I'll go see them now. Do you think $10,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

The Rebbe replied, " So why didn't you tell me the dog was Orthodox ?

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list

 

 

 

CATS

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."

--Joseph Wood Krutch

"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

Thanx to Jim Miller.

From "The Good, Clean Funnies List"

 

 

New Dog Breeds

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by John Van Zanten, Kent, Washington, with the following note: "For all you dog lovers out there, here are some of the lessor known breeds that are being bred in different parts of the United States."**

Crossbeed Dogs:

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

 

 

Feline Science

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Gary Horowitz, New York, NY**

Cats in Physics

1 - Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

 

2 - Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

 

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

 

4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

 

5 - Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

 

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

 

7 - Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

 

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

 

9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

 

10 - Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

 

11 - Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

 

12 - First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

 

13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

 

14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

 

15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

 

16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

 

17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

 

18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

 

19 - Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

 

20 - Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

 

21 - Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

 

22 - Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

 

23 - Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

 

24 - Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

 

25 - Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

 

10 Reasons why Dogs Don't Use Computers:

1. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

2. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

3. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

4. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

5. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

6. Still trying to come up with "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

7. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.

8. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

9. Saliva-coated mouse gets might difficult to maneuver.

10. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS ! Now, cats, on the other hand .....

 

 

Why Dogs are Better Than Women

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Richard Pulliam, Virginia**

You never have to wait for a dog.

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dogs time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late.

The later you are the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dogs disposition doesn't change on 28 day cycles.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were meant to be hunted.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

Its legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs never want foot rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs aren't chatty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

 

 

The Man, The Disposer, and The Cat

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Todge Podge Oliver, Glen Burnie, MD

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened.

"The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. it was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater) had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. It precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.

 

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