Note: These are L-O-N-G files with lots of jokes and stuff. Hit "back" to escape or print them if you dare!


Saying it will improve the education of children who have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San Jose, Calif., has officially designated Computer English, or ``Geekonics,'' as a second language.

The historic vote on Geekonics -- a combination of the word ``geek'' and the word ``phonics'' -- came just weeks after the Oakland school board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language.

``This entirely reconfigures our parameters,'' Milton ``Floppy'' Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school board became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics.

``No longer are we preformatted for failure,'' Macintosh said during a celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close to smiling. ``Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to process the data we need to interface with all units of humanity.''

Controversial and widely misunderstood, the Geekonics movement was spawned in California's Silicon Valley, where many children have grown up in households headed by computer technicians, programmers, engineers and scientists who have lost the ability to speak plain English and have inadvertently passed on their high-tech vernacular to their children.

While schools will not teach the language, increased teacher awareness of Geekonics, proponents say, will help children make the transition to standard English. Those students, in turn, could possibly help their parents learn to speak in a manner that would lead listeners to believe they have actual blood coursing through their veins.

``Bit by bit, byte by byte, with the proper system development, with nonpreemptive multitasking, I see no reason we can't download the data we need to modulate our oral output,'' Macintosh said.

The designation of Ebonics and Geekonics as languages reflects a growing awareness of our nation's lingual diversity, experts say.

``This is just, like, OK, you know, the most totally kewl thing, like, ever,'' said Jennifer Heather Notat-Albright, chairwoman of the Committee for the Advancement of Valleyonics, headquartered in Southern California. ``I mean, like, you know?'' she added.



Subject: Rural Computer Lingo


Log On

Makin' the wood stove hotter.

Log Off

Don't add any more wood.


Keep an eye on the wood stove.


Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz

When yer not careful downloadin' (watch th' toes!).

Floppy Disk

Whatcha get from pilin' too much firewood.

Disk Operating System

The equipment the Doc uses when you have a floppy disk.


The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.

Hard Drive

Gettin' home in mud season.


What you wish the mail was in mud season.


What to shut when it's 30 below.


What you need for black fly season.


What black flies do.


What to munch on.

Micro Chip

What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.


Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.


What you did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix

John Matrix's wife.


Someone who can't write in cursive.

Lap Top

Where little kids feel comfy.


Where you hang your keys.


Them plastic eatin' utensils.


One of them fancy imported cars.


What eats the horses' grain in the barn.

Main Frame

The part of the barn that holds the roof up.


Fancy wine.


C'mon in!

Random Access Memory

When you suddenly can't remember how much that new rifle costs

when your wife asks.


Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.


If you don't know what an apple is, I ain't tellin'.


What's on the TV when there's reception.


The place in the bank where they sell retirement accounts.



50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, Or just scare the hell out of people while working on your computer

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and

scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then stop and look

suspiciously at everyone around you.

3. When the computer is off, complain to the monitor on duty that you

can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5

minutes, turn it of again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect every computer to a

different screen that the on it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs theme song and play it at the

Highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by

something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into

top-secretPentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it,

say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at

everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if

they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone

agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you. (It

helps if you know this person, but it's also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and your hands in your pockets. Type by

hitting keys with the straw.

20. If your sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion

Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman on a piece of paper, tape it to your

monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain

loudly that women are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it

doesn't work get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turni it on, ask loudly where

the smiling Apple face is.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's done (2

days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing

this spit them at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at he screen, grind you teeth, stop, look at the person next

to you. Grind some more. Repeat this procedure, making sure you never

provoke them to the point of blowing up at you, as this releases tension,

and it's much more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut

them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on you

desk and loudy proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove the shoes

and place them on top of the monitor. Remove the socks layer by layer

and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the

aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type your paper like

this. Then go to the Lab Supervisor and complain about bad working


31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and

continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice to make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat,

the B key is F Sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit the key hum its note.

Write your entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computers mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me,

mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring a bunch of magnets. Nuff said.

37. When doing calculation pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the

old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until

you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so that

your fill isn't affected). Then look at you neighbors keyboard. Hit

their Delete ke several times, erasing an entire word. While you do

this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume

hitting the spacebar on you keyboard. Repeat this until you've deleted

about a page of your neighbors work. Then suddenly exclaim: "Well,

whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar the whole time. No wonder

it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document a nd leave.

40. Remove your disk from the dive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor

and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put

some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim the Computer is


41. Stare at the person's next your's screen, look really puzzled, burst

out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your

stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making

elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press Return or the mouse,

then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!!" peek up from under the table,

walk back to the computer and say: "Oh, good. It worked this time," and

calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a totla stranger a talk request. Talk to

them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a

chance to figure out that you're a total stranger.

45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound

effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the

lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab weaing several types of endangered

species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence,

then happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen.

Repeate theis after every sentence. As you ecstasy mounts, also hug the

keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the Computer Assistant, and

walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!", then

calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw,

rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give

me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week."

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.



A Jewish Parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk... vus macht du... Yeah, du... outside, standing like a putzel... eh?"

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"

"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven (**), and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.

One morning, on Rosh Hashana, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul (**) was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"


"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset as hell, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him.

"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"



Tfillin - a part of religious attire worn by men on their foreheads.

Daven - to pray, in Hebrew

Torah - The Five Books of Moses, Old Testament

Shul - a synagogue or a Temple

Yom Kippur - a Day of Atonement.

Putzel, Schmuck - penis, prick... with all the implications thereof.

Shofar - a ram horn blown during Rosh Hashanah services.

Just 4 Laughs!


Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s

Scott Adams [author of Dilbert]

Windows Magazine, May 1995

I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip "Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths, stalkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person. But a growing number are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. Some say they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.

If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who spends most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not exactly Kevin Costner.

Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And he stays home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction?

I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead.

But that skill is becoming less important every year.

Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.

It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each with its own evolutionary destiny:

Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech support).

Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct.

Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at tourists.

Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential.

And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six months.If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years.

Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.

It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I realize this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive thing I've written so far.

If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair. They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking. If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong circumstantial evidence alone.

I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem. That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question: everybody but the tourists.)

Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according to the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac. You could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but it's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.

You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going to look at them twice.

It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's stupid, I've got 100 words to go.

Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor. If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear.

In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive. It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.




Never Say Never


Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.

- Anonymous


Never accept a drink from a urologist.

- Erma Bombeck


Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial.

- Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"


Never say "Oops" in the operating room.

- Dr. Leo Troy


Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or

"size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

- Tim Allen


Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.

- Dan Zevin


Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

- Harry S. Truman


Never thrust your sickle into another's corn.

- Publius Syrus


Never drive through a small Southern town at 100 mph with the local Sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.

- Anonymous member of a chain gang


Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.

- G.K. Chesterton


Never use while sleeping.

- Instruction on Conair hair dryer


Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

- Rita Rudner


Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

- Winston Churchill


Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.

- John Peers


Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.

- Geraldo Rivera


Never give up. And Never, under any circumstances, face the facts.

- Ruth Gordon



Famous Last Words

Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite ready.

Quick, they'll never find us if we hide here.

Don't worry, it's not used any more.

The next time you ask when we're going to arrive, I'm going to turn round and give you such a belt!

Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.

So they finally fixed this elevator yesterday?

Listen, i'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what i'm doing.

Yes of course the elastic is strong enough.

It's ok so long as you stay down-wind.

Nah, that fuel guage often gets stuck on empty.

Hey, don't worry, it isn't loaded.

I thought it tasted rather strange.

Please fasten your seatbelts, we're about to enter some turbu...

Well *I've* never seen one that big.

Darling, did you remember to turn off the gas?

Gee, what a cute little PitBull.

You have driven this before, haven't you?

And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?

Well I think you should *tell* him just how you feel.

I've never had one of these fail to open before.

Look how was *I* supposed to know it was upside down?

Are you sure they don't mind you taking their honey?

Say, what's that faint ticking noise?

It's ok, i saw them do it on TV.

Ha! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...

Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.

Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.

What happens if you touch these two wires tog--

We won't need reservations.

It's always sunny there this time of the year.

Don't worry, it's not loaded.

They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.

You can make it easy... that train isn't coming fast.

Gimmee a match. I think my gas tank is empty.

Wife, these biscuits are tough.

Let's see if it's loaded.

Step on her, boy, we're only going 75.

Just watch me dive from that bridge.

If you knew anything, you wouldn't be a traffic cop.

Lemme have that bottle; I'll try it.

What? Your mother is going to stay another month?

Say, who's boss of this joint, anyhow?

"C'mon ya wimps, one more beer, it's open ocean out there, what're we gonna hit?" --Captain Hazelwood, Exxon Valdez

"Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father." --Darth Vader

"A-four and a-three and a-two and a-one..." --Lawrence Welk

"Don't worry about the Rover. That's no cliff." --NASA techie

"And now that I'm running my life support equipment through Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about -- beeeeeeeep..."

"I eat guys like you for breakfast!" --Jeffrey Dahmer

"Here I sit all broken-hearted..." --Elvis Presley

"How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?" --insect

"No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man. That's why it's called 'herbal.'"

"How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question', people?!?" --Alex Trebek

"Yoko, why don't *you* try to sing one?"

"Took your parking space??? Well at least *I* didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!

Trust me.

from Just 4 Laughs!


A Few Changes That We Men Would Like To Make


Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable

response To "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,

she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a


Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a

"Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team

of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. (CEO - Morgan)

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out

your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into

your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned

helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the

"public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your

wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only

occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off.

Mother's Day, too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it

would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the

pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night

Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you

returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded

with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"

You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."

Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Just 4 Laughs!




Ponder These

- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

- How do I set my laser printer on stun?

- How is it possible to have a civil war?

- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

- If God dropped acid, would he see people?

- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

- If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

- If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

- Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

- Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

- What happens when none of your bees wax?

- Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

- If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

- If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

- Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Are they just the slow learners?

- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

- If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

- Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

- Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

- And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

- How do I get a girl I have never met, to fall madly, passionately in love with me? (Please e-mail me your answers to this last question.)

from Just 4 Laughs


I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and

give the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,

involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The

hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":

1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.

-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the

unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness,

The New York Times, 1960

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all

the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand

miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,

and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there

is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to

pound in the correct screw.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years

and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make

some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

-- Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely

rearranging their prejudices. -- William James

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom

that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits

down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot

stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit

down on a cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

-- Dave Barry

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

688: The neighbor of the beast

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

-- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, =13The Devil's Dictionary

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.

2. Advising the President.

3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

--David Letterman

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

-- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain

"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog




Here are some smileys you can use on your family, friends, colleagues, bosses, and people who you just want to have fun with.This is not an exhaustive list.


Sideways smily face =-)

Just won the lottery $-)

Laughing :-D

Simple smilie :-)

Winking smilie ;-)

Alternate happy face :->


Frown :-(

Yelling :-(O)

Crying :'-(

Real unhappy :-c

Forlorn :-<

--------------Other Emotions--------------

Sticking out tongue :-P

Dead face :-|

Poker face :-I

Amazed :-<>

Shocked :-( )

Perplexed :-&

Bored :-o zz z z Z Z

Thinking :-\

Unbelieving (jaw dropped) :-C

"Oh, nooooooo!" :-o

------------Turned Faces------------

Turned face :^U

Turned poker face :^Y

Bleahhh (sticking tongue out) :^r

Turned smiling face :^y

Turned face with tongue out :^W

Pursing lips :^"

---------------Different noses---------------

Smilie without a nose :)

Smilie with a piggy nose :@)

Smilie with a bent nose :^)

Smilie with a nose of a clown :*)

--------------Different lips--------------

Kiss :-*

Lips are sealed :-X

Robot face :-[]

Smilie with a curly smile :-}

Smilie with straight smile Ver. 1 :->

Smilie with straight smile Ver. 2 :-]

Count Dracula :-[

Censored :-#

Smoking :-i

Smoking and smiling :-j

Tongue-in-cheek comments :-J

Smilie with braces :-[#]

Sick smilie :-S

-------------- Different Eyes --------------

Bug-eyed smilie 8-)

Pirate P-)

Black-eyed face !-(

Smilie with glasses B-)

Cyclops smilie 0-)

Artistic face %)

Late night messages |-(

------------- "Accessories" -------------

Smilie with a moutashe :-{)

Smilie with hair {:-)

Wearing a walkman [:-)

Smilie with a graduation hat K:-)

Smilie with a cap d:-)

Smilie with a bowler hat C|:-)

Smilie with a nurse hat ]:-)

Smilie with a skull-cap (:-)(or a bicycle helmet)

Smilie with a fur hat #:-)

Smilie with hat and pom-pom *<:-) (or cold weather smilie)

Smilie with beard :-)=

Uncle Sam =|:-)=

Smilie with curly hair &:-)

Smilie with wavy hair @:-)

Monk / Nun +<:-|




Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)


If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,

because, man, they're gone.


I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And

I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.


To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you

walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?"

You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."


If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet

the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot

farther?". "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."


I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our

children's children, because I don't think children should be having



If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,

because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.


To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography

and the dancers hit each other.


Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them

"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't

we all be brothers?


Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of

striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.


I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that

I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was

thinking about doing that anyway.


I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And

since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and

hand it to him.


If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying

forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.


It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I

guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,

rocking back and forth, wanting that money.


Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,

and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a

regular window.


If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I

am now.


When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the

police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started

wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.


I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle

all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I

had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy

whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off

the paint.


If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it

would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a



If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think

it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to

teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting

the vulture.


Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?


If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while

you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on

a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.


One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with

a wooden stake.


For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a

slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?


Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing

each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.


I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because

then,Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.


If by some occurence you find yourself falling off the CN Tower, Just

let yourself go limp. If some people see you falling they may try to

catch you thinking, "hey, free dummy!"


Why is the dove the symbol for peace. Why not the pillow? It has more

feathers and it doesn't have that dangerous beak!


If some guy asked me the meaning of Love, I'd pin his arm up behind his

back and say..."Now look who's asking the Questions!"


The funny thing about a person driving off a cliff is that they probably

have their foot on the brake. Hey, why not try the emergency brake?



You Just Might Be A Grad Student If:

You can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.

Your cubicle is better decorated than your apartment.

You have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.

You are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.

You have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.

You rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.

Everything reminds you of something in your discipline.

You have ever discussed academic matter at a sporting event.

You have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while research a single paper.

There is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."

You actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.

You can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.

You look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.

You regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.

You consider all papers to be works in progress.

Professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.

You find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.

You have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.

You have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.

You reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.

You find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade."

You start referring to stories like "Snow White et al."

You frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.

You look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.

You have more photocopy cards than credit cards.

You wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication."

from Just 4 Laughs!


On Leadership and Image:

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and, while wearing the bright frock, he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"



Found on Bathroom Walls


The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

-Women's restroom, Murphy's. Champaign, Illinois.


Beauty is only a light switch away.

-Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.


I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.

-Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.


If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all

get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

-Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.


Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"

-Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.


God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?

-The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.


No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

-Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.


At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

-Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea. Tucson, Arizona.


It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

-Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.


Make love, not war. --Heck, do both, get married!

-Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.


If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

-Revolution Books. New York, New York.



What Is That?

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

Just 4 Laughs!



Meeting Her Husband In Heaven

This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she

asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to

get together with my dear departed husband? He

died many years ago."

Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"

"John Smith," replies the woman.

"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John

Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people

by their last words. Do you happen to remember what

his last words were?"

The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes!

I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with

another man after he was gone, he would roll over

in his grave."

"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Spinning John Smith!"




[Unable to display image]

Men are like.....Placemats.

They only show up when there's food on the table.


Men are like.....Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.


Men are like.....Bike helmets.

Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.


Men are like.....Government bonds.

They take so long to mature.


Men are like.....Parking spots.

The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.


Men are like.....Copiers.

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.


Men are like.....Lava lamps.

Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Some are blonde! LOL


Men are like.....Bank accounts.

Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.


Men are like.....Mini skirts.

If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.


Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and decided to get married.

Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom that

she was expecting a little whisk-broom. The groom broom was aghast!

'How is this possible?' he asked. 'We've never swept together!'




What do you call a cow with no legs? -- Ground beef.




Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's

door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask,

"Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"


"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar

attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a

runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"


"And the boar tore up his leg?"


"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire.

Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started

squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here,

the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved

'em all!"


"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"


"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a

rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out.

When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out

'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."


"And that was when he hurt his leg?"


"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."


"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"


"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once!"



Received from HAND! Have A Nice Day! mailing list.


from The Good, Clean Funnies List


The Bank Robbers

A gangster mob is deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing their next bank. After several previous successful bank heists, they all agree on the way to go about it, and in the wee hours of the following morning, embark on their plans to get rich yet again.

Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system got under way immediately. The robbers were expecting one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, but were surprised (and happy) to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank. The first safe's combination was cracked, and inside the robbers were surprised to find only vanilla pudding. "Well," said one robber to the other, "At least we got a bit to eat."

The second safe also contained nothing but vanilla pudding, and the process continued until all the safes were opened and there was not a dollar, a diamond, nor an ounce of gold to be found. All the safes contained little containers of pudding. Disappointed, each of the mobsters made a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.

The following morning, a newspaper headline read:

"City's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed Early This Morning"


Susie and Johnny

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, Susie and I are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie. What are your plans?"

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "We will use our allowance - Susie makes 5 dollars a week and I make 10. That's about $60 a month, and that should do just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this so he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to...

After a pause, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you've got everything figured out, which is great. But one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his

shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."



**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, MN**

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"



A Long Night

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, & they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife & says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, & they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder, & asks, "Honey, please . . . just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," & they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could . . . ."

At this point the wife sits up & says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"




Pillsbury Dough Boy Dead at 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, Uncle Ben, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, Sara Lee and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife; they have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for 20 minutes.




Vikes vs. Packs

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Tom Berglind, Fargo, ND

A MInnesota Vikings fan in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says,

"Wanna hear a joke about Green Bay Packer fans?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke you should know

something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a Packers fan. The guy sitting

next to me is 6'2", 240 pounds and he's a Packers fan, and the guy sitting

next to him is 6'5", 280 pounds and he's a Packers fan too. Now, do you

still wanna tell that joke?"

The Vikings fan looks down the bar at the three guys and says, "Nah, not if

I'm gonna have to explain it three times."


Ole and Sven in Hell

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Mel Rotz, Redlands, California**

Ole & Sven were "visiting" hell. After a while the devil came by and noticed that Ole & Sven were still wearing their winter gear and seemed comfortable. (Note: You have to understand, it was purely accidental how Ole & Sven were "visiting" at such a place).

The devil said to them, "Why aren't you hot?"

Ole replied, "We come from Minnesota where it's always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us."

This upset the devil - so he turned the thermostat up. A while later, the devil looked in on Ole and Sven. They were still wearing their winter gear. The devil questioned them again and Ole told the devil. "You have to remember, we are from Minnesota and it is very, very cold there. This is feeling real nice to us."

The devil was really mad this time so he turned the thermostat all the way up to the maximum. The devil waited a while, then went back to visit Ole and Sven. This time they had unzipped their coats, but they still had all their winter clothes on. Part of the punishment in hell was supposed to be the unbearable heat - but it just wasn't working on these guys. So, the devil asked Ole and Sven once more what the deal was. And once more, Ole told the devil, "We are Minnesotans and we just got over a freezing winter. This is really great for Sven and me."

An idea flickered in the devil's mind. He went to the thermostat and turned it as low as possible. He thought if the heat wasn't a punishment, then he'd just give them the opposite. A little while later, the devil went back to check.

There were Ole and Sven, whooping it up, giving each other high fives, happier than ever. "What's going on?" yelled the devil over the din.

With a huge grin on his face Sven said, "Back home they always said, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes over!"




A true Minnesootin!!!

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, MN

Ven Two Minnesootins Meet Oop Nort On Da Lake Fichen!





"Crieps, cetchenenny?"








"Oofda, bittenard?"


"Vahchaoozin? Dalindyrik?"






"Oh, Vachadrinkin?"








Da Ent!!!



Ole and Sven are At It Again

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bob Laurie, Juneau, Alasak**

A sign posted in Ole's coffee shop in Milnor, North Dakota: "Don't complain

about the Coffee. You may be Old and Weak someday yerself."

Ole and Lena lived way out in the woods by Wahpeton, ND, seldom came into

town. Finally when the snow went out, the Norwegian and his wife went to

Fargo. They spent nearly two hours watching a microwave oven. Finally Ole

sez, "Come on, Lena. If this is vat television is like, dey can have it!"

Sven vas an incurable optimist. No matter what horrible event people would

tell him about, Sven would invariably say "Vell, it cud beverse" One day his

cronies told Sven about the terrible tragedy where Ole Olsson was killed by

Ole Johnson after he was caught foolin with his wife, Lena. "Vell," said

Sven, "it could a been verse."

"Verse?" said the cronies, "How could it have been vorse than being dead?"

"Vell," said Sven, " If it had been the night before, it could a been me!"



**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, MN**

If you think you can deck yourself out in green and gold and walk around occasionally bellowing "Go-Pack-Go!" and qualify as a Wisconsin native... you're dead wrong. Youse gotta know the lingo too, ya-know, hey. For your enjoyment, here's an updated list of Wisconsinisms.


Skeeter: Wisconsin state bird.

Cripes: a Wisconsin expletive.

Cripes-sake: a mild Wisconsin expletive.

Crymany-cripes-sake: a wild Wisconsin expletive.

Davenport: what your mom called the sofa; a couch.

Fleet Farm: a Cheddarhead's answer to Bloomingdales.

Ain-a-hey: placed at the end of a profound statement; as in"isn't It?"

Believe-you-me: attached to the beginning or end a statement make it more credible; as in, "really!"

Geeez!: Another Wisconsin expletive.

Rubbers: protection for your shoes; also known as "galoshes."

John Deere: a Cheddarhead's other vehicle.

Blaze orange: what deer hunters and cold-weather Packers fans wear

Born in a barn?: a sarcastic question which usually means you left the door open.

Borrow: used in place of "lend," as in, "could youse borrow me a couple two-tree bucks?"

Brat: a sausage; a Wisconsin tailgate favorite;doesn't have anything to do with a spoiled kid.

Bubbler: to the rest of the world outside Wisconsin's borders, it is known as a drinking fountain.

Budge: to merge without permission; cut in; as in "Don't you budge in line for a brat, I was here first!"

By: to; near; as in "Let's go by One Eyed Jack's,"or "She'll come by Froggers

tonight." It has nothing to do with a purchase.

Cheddarhead: someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheesehead."

Cheesehead: someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheddarhead."

Cheese curd: small pieces of fresh cheese that squeak when you bite into them; a parish picnic favorite when deep fried.

Come-here-once: a beckoning call to another Cheddarhead.

Couple-two-tree: more than one; as in "Delmer and I drank acouple-two-tree beers."

D: a substitute for words beginning with "TH;" as in"Dat guy over dere in dah Bears shirt is a FIB."

Fair-to-midlin: not bad or great, just "O.K."

FIB: an acronym; (fucking Illinois bastard)

Fish fry: a Friday night dining ritual in Wisconsin.

Frozen tundra: Lambeau Field.

Go ahead: proceed; as in, "go ahead and back up your car."

Gots: used in place of "have;" as in, "I gots my tickets to watch da Packers play on da Frozen Tundra."

Guldarn: another Wisconsin expletive.

Hey: placed at the beginning or end of phrases for emphasis, as in, "Hey, how 'bout them Packers?" or "How 'bout them Packers, hey?"

Holy-cry-yiy!: as in, "wow!"

How's-by-you?: a greeting; the same as, "How's everything?"

Humdinger: a beauty; as in "dat crappy youse caughtup-nort is a realhumdinger."

M'wakee: Wisconsin's largest city; located just down the lake from Trivers and Mantwoc.

N-so?: a word inserted at the end of a statement; used as a substitute for "right?" or "correct?"

Oh, yah: depending on emphasis, it's either used as acknowledgment (as in

"That's correct") or skepticism (That's bull!).

Parish picnics: social events of the summer up-nort.

Pert-neer: near; in close proximity; just about.

Polka: what you do at parish picnics.

Pop: a non-alcoholic drink.

Scansin: the state where Cheeseheads are from.

Schmear: a card game; also a term used when someone gets beat in a game of Sheepshead

Sheepshead: another card game.

Side-by-each: used instead of, "next to each other."

Start wit me last: to forfeit your turn.

Stop-and-go lights: what everyone else refers to as traffic signals.

Uff-dah: affirmative; as in "that's right!"

Un-thaw: to defrost.

Where-abouts: locality; proximity; as in, "where-abouts are youse guys from?"

Up nort: where Wisconsinites go on vacation.

Up-side right: right side up.

Bart: a Green Bay institution who doesn't need a last name; (see "Vince").

Vince: the other Green Bay icon who doesn't need a last name for recognition; (see "Bart").

Yah-hey: affirmative; as in "uff-dah."

You-betcha: affirmative; as in "Yah-hey."

Youse: pronounced "YOOS;" it means "you" as in "are youse guys goin' up nort?"

Youper: someone from ever further up-nort than you




Ole and Sven were the oldest boys in the 6th grade and were in danger of

repeating the grade again. Their teacher decided to give them each a test

and if they passed, he could gratefully send them on to junior high school.

Sven went first. "Now Sven, what would happen if you had one of your eyes

poked out?"

"Why, I'd be half-blind!", Sven replied.

The teacher smiled and said, "Good. Now, Sven, what would happen if your

other eye was poked out?"

"Well, I'd be completely blind!" answered Sven.

The teacher said, "Good job, Sven, you can go to junior high."

While the paper work was being completed, Sven told Ole about the test and

gave him the correct answers. When Ole came in the teacher asked, "Ole, what

would happen if you had an ear cut off?"

Ole answered, "Why, I'd be half-blind!"

Taken aback, the teacher asked, "What would happen if you lost your other


Ole confidently replied, "Then I'd be completely blind."

Shocked and dismayed, the teacher asked him, "Can you explain to me why you'd

be blind?"

"Sure. My hat would fall down over my eyes."

For years a Norwegian and a Swedish border town had been staging an annual

ice fishing competition on a lake that straddled the border. Each time the

result was the same: Norwegians would walk off with buckets of fish and the

grand prize, and the Swedes hadn't caught a single fish. So one year the

Swedes decided to send a spy across the lake, to the Norwegian camp, on the

morning of the contest to see if they could find the secret of their

neighbouring country's fishing successes. The spy soon came running back,

breathless, and exclaimed: "You know what those darned Norwegians are doing?

They're drilling holes in the ice!"


Ole and Sven were taking a new vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual,

they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.

Ole: What you do dat for, Sven?

Sven: Dat sign say "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper be thirteen feet!

Ole: Look here, Sven, der ain't no cops around. Hit de pedal and go for it!


Jessica's Pardon Me Jokes

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jessica Gonzalez, Dayton, Ohio**

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?

A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?

A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?

A: An itchy, twitchy twat.

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?

A: Only if they don't work.

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?

A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?

A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow job?

A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?

A: Miracle Whip.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A: A bingo machine.

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blow job!




**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota, with the following note: "ARE NORTHERNERS "BLUE-NECKS? By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins."


1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

5. You don't know what a moon pie is.

6. You've never had an RC cola.

7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.

8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

10.You have no idea what a polecat is.

11.You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

12.You don't have bangs.

13.You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

14.More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same

prep school in Connecticut.

15.You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

16.Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

17.You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18.You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

19.You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

20.You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

21.The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.

22.You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

23.The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

24.You call binoculars opera glasses.

25.You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

26.You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

27.You don't know what applique is.

28.You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al).

29.You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

30.You've never been to a craft show.

31.You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

32.You can do your laundry without quarters.

33.None of your fur coats are homemade.




An ocean of blondes

**Contributed by Debbie Hoellen, Denver, Colorado, via Karen Isaak, Denver, CO**

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a

wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops

the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman

for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the

blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the

blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad

name." The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at

the blonde in the field yelling, "If I could swim, I would come out there and

kick your ass!"



Irish Golfer And The Leprachaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small




**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jose Luis Gonzalez, Mexico City, Mexico**

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?

"How come?"

What's the definition of a teenager?

God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?

They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?


What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?

Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:

A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?

A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?

When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?

There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?

Two Mennonites!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two letter words that denote small?

Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One ... Men will screw anything.




Penis Request Promotion

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, MN


The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

* has to work hard;

* has to work at great depths;

* has to work upside down;

* has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;

* has to work in a high humidity environment;

* has to work at high temperatures;

* does not get weekends and holidays off;

* does not get time off after extra hours of work;

* has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request denied -------- for the following reasons:

* does not work 8 hours in a row;

* does not answer immediately to all requests;

* after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;

* shows no fidelity to the workplace;

* retires too early;

* does not work at all unless pushed from behind;

* does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;

* sometimes leaves work, too early.




New Sayings For The Modern Day

1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

2. Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.

3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

5. Don't bother me... I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a damn people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

12. You! Off my planet!

13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

16. I like dogs, too. Let's exchange recipes.

17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

20. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

21. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

23. God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.

24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

25. And just how may I screw you over today?

26. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...

29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

31. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.

32. Allow me to introduce my selves.

33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

35. Better living through denial.

36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

38. Adult child of alien invaders.

39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

41. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

46. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.

47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

52. Adults are just kids who owe money.

53. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

55. I have a computer, can masterbate, & have pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

59. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

61. I'm not tense. Just terribly, terribly alert.

62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.

63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

65. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

66. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

67. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

68. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

69. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

70. Earth is full. Go home.

71. Is it time for your medication or mine?

72. Does this condom make me look fat?

73. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

74. I plead contemporary insanity.

75. And which dwarf are you?

76. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

77. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

78. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

79. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

80. Meandering to a different drummer.

Just 4 Laughs!


Medical Ebonics

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Kathy Lydon, Washington, D.C.**

Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.

Artery.........................The study of paintings.

Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section...............A neighborhood in Rome.

CATscan........................Searching for kitty.

Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.

Colic..........................A sheep dog.

Coma...........................A punctuation mark.

D & C..........................Where Washington is.

Dilate.........................To live long.

Enema..........................Not a friend.

Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.........................A small lie.

Genital........................Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series....................World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail.......................What you hang your coat on.

Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff..................A Doctor's cane.

Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.

Node...........................I knew it.

Outpatient.....................A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear......................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis.........................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative.................A letter carrier.

Recovery Room..................Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.........................Damn near killed him.

Secretion......................Hiding something.

Seizure........................Roman emperor.

Tablet.........................A small table.

Terminal Illness...............Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor..........................More than one.

Urine..........................Opposite of you're out.

Varicose.......................Near by/close by

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