The Experimental Drug

"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.

And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his own coffee.

His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."

 

 

The One and the Twenty Dollar Bills

Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ajay Ambastha, Mumbai, India**

A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff - church, church, church."

 

Lucy came home one night and heard a voice that said, "Quit your job, sell your home, take your money and go to Atlantic City."

She ignored it.

But the next night, it repeated the same message. And the next night. This went on for a couple of weeks and began to get on Lucy's nerves. Finally, she did as instructed and drove to Atlantic City, where she took a room at one of the casinos.

That night, the voice said, "Go the the roulette table." So she did. And while standing there with some other people, they all heard a voice that said, "Place all your money on Lucky 9."

She obeyed, did as instructed and the croupier wished her luck as he spun the wheel. They all watched anxiously as the wheel went round and round, round and round. Finally, it stopped. The ball was on 14.

And they all heard the voice: "Damn!'

 

Sidney's Last Wishes

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. Tillie', he told me.'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use t his money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva".

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'.

At that point, Tillie held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a ten carat diamond ring.

"So", said Tillie, "You like my stone?"

from Just 4 Laughs!

 

You've been in "Corporate World" too long when...

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.

2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."

3. You refer to dating as test marketing.

4. You can spell "paradigm."

5. You actually know what a paradigm is.

6. You understand your airline's fare structure.

7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.

8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.

9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don't know.

10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review

11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."

12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.

13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."

14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this offline".

15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's asses."

16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.

17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.

18. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."

19. You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."

20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.

21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.

22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.

23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.

24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.

25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.

26. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.

27. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.

28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.

29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.

from Just 4 Laughs!

 

 

A Boy In A Saloon

A nine-year-old boy walked into a saloon and said to the barmaid, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks."

"You're just a kid," said the barmaid. "Do you want to get me in trouble?"

"Maybe in a few years," replied the boy. "But in the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."

from Just 4 Laughs!

 

Signs

Lucy came home one night and heard a voice that said, "Quit your job, sell your home, take your money and go to Atlantic City."

She ignored it.

But the next night, it repeated the same message. And the next night. This went on for a couple of weeks and began to get on Lucy's nerves. Finally, she did as instructed and drove to Atlantic City, where she took a room at one of the casinos.

That night, the voice said, "Go the the roulette table." So she did. And while standing there with some other people, they all heard a voice that said, "Place all your money on Lucky 9."

She obeyed, did as instructed and the croupier wished her luck as he spun the wheel. They all watched anxiously as the wheel went round and round, round and round. Finally, it stopped. The ball was on 14.

And they all heard the voice: "Damn!'


More on Signs

At a Santa Fe gas station:

"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

 

In a New York restaurant:

"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

 

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:

"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

--Sisters of Mercy"

 

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:

"38 years on the same spot."

 

In a Los Angeles dance hall:

"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

 

In a Florida maternity ward:

"No children allowed."

 

In a New York drugstore:

"We dispense with accuracy."

 

In the offices of a loan company:

"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

 

In a New York medical building:

"Mental Health Prevention Center"

 

On a New York convalescent home:

"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

 

On a Maine shop:

"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship."

 

At a number of military bases:

"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

 

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:

"Now available in multi-packs."

 

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:

"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

 

In a funeral parlor:

"Ask about our layaway plan."

 

In a clothing store:

"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

 

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:

"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

 

On a shopping mall marquee:

"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

 

Outside a country shop:

"We buy junk and sell antiques."

 

In the window of an Oregon store:

"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

 

In a Maine restaurant:

"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

 

On a radiator repair garage:

"Best place to take a leak."

 

In the vestry of a New England church:

"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

 

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:

"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

 

On a roller coaster:

"Watch your head."

 

On the grounds of a public school:

"No trespassing without permission."

 

On a Tennessee highway:

"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

 

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:

"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

 

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign."

--------------------------------------------

from the Just 4 Laughs! list

 

More signs:

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:

"No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted."

 

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed.

Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

 

HEY, Life is still not fair for the guys...Found in a restaurant in England:

Guys: No shirt, No service

Girls: No shirt, No charge

 

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus (translation of the Greek):

"Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice"

 

MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but...

A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town, had an advertisement for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down.

The caption reads: "Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!"

 

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago:

Restrooms

<-----

Please wait for hostess to seat you.

 

Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT:

Bingo Friday night at 8:00pm

Quickies Thursday at 7:30pm.

 

Seen in a health food store_

"Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"

 

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."

 

I went to a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant:

"Women are not served here... You have to bring your own."

 

Received from William Conway.

-=+=-

from the The Good, Clean Funnies List

 

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