Note: These are L-O-N-G files with lots of jokes and stuff. Hit "back" to escape or print them if you dare!
Odds and Ends
"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25." - Mary Ann Tebedo (Republican member of the Colorado State Senate), remark on the Senate floor during the 1995 session, quoted in the Denver Post, May 14, 1995
Did you know in Bexley, Ohio ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses?
Interesting But Useless Tidbits
Q: What occurs more often in December than any other month?
Q: Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it?
A: Skinny dipping.
Q: What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?
A: No theme song/music.
Q: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A: Their birthplace.
Q: Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Q: More women do this in the bathroom than men.
A: Wash their hands. Women 80% / Men 55%
Q: What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
A: Gain weight.
Q: In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.
Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A: One thousand.
Q: What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
A: All invented by women.
Q: Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.
A: Change their underwear.
Q: This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
A: A kiss.
Q: This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
Q: There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year.
A: Father's Day.
Q: What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic?
A: He was allergic to carrots.
Q: 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this.
A: Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
Q: 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
A: Wear underwear.
Q: What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% dioxide?
A: A fart.
Q: About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting.
A: Flush the toilet.
Q: What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"?
A: Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.
Q: 85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.
A:Cheating on their wives.
"Christmas Sale of Methodist Women at West-Side Church"-headline in the Springfield (Massachusetts) Daily News
"Health department says death certificates are to be ordered one week in advance of death."from the Lancaster (Ohio) Eagle-Gazette
"We now will hear Deck Your Balls with Halls of Helly... Deck your Bells with Balls of Holly... er... a Christmas selection." BBC radio announcer
"As a prize a beautiful riding mower with optional ass-scratcher" - announcer on television show Gambit, meaning to tell the audience about the prize: a riding power mower with optional grass catcher
Thank You for calling the US Army.
Thank You for calling the US Army. We're sorry, but all of our units
are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message
with your country, name of organization, region, specific crisis and
a number where you can be reached. As soon as we have sorted out the
Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the
streets of Washington, D.C. and attending the compulsary
Consideration of Others Training, we
will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please
choose from the following options:
If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1 for the
United States Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels,
and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs,
press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this
service is not available after 1630 hours , or on weekends. Special
consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or
stealth technology who can provide additional research and
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit
grey funnel,bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please
write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. PLease note that
Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on
a first-come, first-serve basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment
If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will
be answered by the United States Army Special Operations Command.
Please note that a mandatory credit check will be done to ensure you
can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also, be aware that USASOC may
bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as
it is classified.
If you are interested in joining the U S Army, and you wish to be
shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your family in
a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work
your ass off, risking your life in all weather and terrains, both day
and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits
package, then please stay on the line. Your call will be answered
shortly by the next available bitter passed -over for promotion Army
Recruiter located in a strip mall down by the post office.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the
United States Army! Just 4 Laughs!
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Liz Childers, Dallas, Texas**
65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
Just An Email Note.
A Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a
vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was
planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband
PS. Sure is hot down here. :-)
Just 4 Laughs!
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes,
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the
top his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax
with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade.
In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance
vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me.
And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany." a moment
of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over
that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do...
.....Quit drinking before noon.
Hot Dogs and the Nuns
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jessica Gonzalez, Kettering,
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as
well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they
both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is
only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them
over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'The
mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring
at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously,
"What part did you get?"
If Microsoft Built Cars...
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five
percent of the roads.
- You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
- Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their
cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
- The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
single "general car default" warning light.
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes,
Steve had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget
about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But
every once in a while he'd hear that soothing inner voice trying to reassure
"Steve, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one
of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Steve,
You're a veterinarian."
Harley-Davidson Goes to Heaven
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, MN**
Arthur Davidson of the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle Corp. dies and goes to
Heaven. At the gates, an angel tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy
and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out
with anyone you want to here in Heaven."
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The
befeathered fellow at the gates takes Arthur to the Throneroom and introduces
him to God.
Arthur then asks God, "Hey! Aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Davidson, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters at high speeds.
3. The rear end wobbles too much.
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
"Hmmm..." replies God, "Hold on!" God goes to the Celestial Computer, types
in a few keystrokes and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip
of paper and God reads it.
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but
according to my computer, more guys are riding my invention than yours."
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Liz Childers, Dallas, Texas**
In the restroom at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Received from clifff.
The Pakistani Joke Collection
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Hemant Marda, Kathmandu, Nepal**
A Pakistani was going by train from Karachi to Lahore. He kept getting off at
every station to buy a ticket till the next station. When the train reached
Lahoire, the Pakistani's co-passengers asked him why he kept on buying
tickets instead of buying a ticket for the entire journey. The Pakistani
replied that his doctor had advised him against taking long journeys..
Detective job vacancy
Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Pakistani,
one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant
just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish
man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus
Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him."
The chief thanked him and he left.
When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same
question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews."
Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.
Finally the Pakistani arrived for his interview, he was asked the same
question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time
to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow."
When the Pakistani arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?"
Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a
Pakistani Ullu Patan Khan is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall,stares at the question paper for
five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws
them out of the window. He then removes his Mullah cap and throws it away as
well. His shirt, pants and watch followed soon. The invigilator, alarmed,
approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here,
'Answer the following questions in BRIEF'."
One Pakistani was filling up an application form for a job.he promptly filled
the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary
Expected : He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought
he wrote : Yes
How to recognize a Pakistani instantly
You should be sure it is a Pakistani when somebody :
* puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind.
* gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
* sends a fax with a stamp on it.
* tries to drown a fish.
* thinks socialism means partying.
* trips over a cordless phone.
* takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
* At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts
* studies for a blood test and fails.
* sells the car for gas money.
* misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
* drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home.
* gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.
Diary of a Federal Employee
by Steve Weiss
The following journal entry has been "borrowed" from a federal employee, whose name and occupation have been withheld for his or her protection.
Today was the same as any other day. I got to work 5 hours early in order to find parking in the Menial Federal Employee Parking Lot. It's mandatory that all employees park in the lot, although there are only 10 spots for 400 employees, but there is ample street parking. Then there is the Supervisor Lot, which has 50 spots for 2 supervisors.
Our cars will be immediately towed if we park in the Supervisor Lot. Actually, one of the two supervisors does nothing but make sure that nobody else parks in the Supervisor Lot. He's currently making a six figure salary. At the door, I had to show my building card to the security guard. He started telling me about his wife's problems. I told him I need to get to work, and he reminded me of the clause in my contract that stated that I have to listen to every story he wants to tell me.
Six hours later, I went upstairs to my office, and was docked for being late. I tried to explain to my supervisor about the security guard, and he had me fill out a Lame Excuse for being Late form. I filled it out, and he told me I had to mail it to him, even though he's in the office next door. I put the form in an envelope and was about to put it in my outbox for the mailboy to pick up, when I remembered that the mailboy would not be in today since he had to attend the Federal Mailboy's Workshop, so I went outside to mail it myself.
As I re-entered the building, the security guard stopped me and demanded to see my card, which I had accidentally left upstairs. Even though he had known me for years, he made me fill out a Lame Excuse for Thinking You Belong in this Building form, which made me agree that if I try to steal anything, I have to donate all my organs to the government.
As I handed him the form, I noticed a person wearing a ski mask, who was holding a crowbar, enter the building and freely go upstairs. I asked the security guard why he didn't stop the person, and he told me he's on a break. I went back upstairs, only to find my supervisor waiting for me, who was angry that I haven't done any work today. I tried to tell him why, but he made me fill out a Lame Excuse for Not Doing Any Work Today form.
After I threw out the form, I got to work. I was going to get to a stack of paperwork, when I noticed the many flashing lights on my phone, I answered one of the calls, and found out that person had been on hold since the Carter Administration. He asked me something about a form, and he what ethnicity to check, because of his multi-ethnic background, which was not covered on the form. I told him that if the form doesn't mention his exact situation, then his situation does not exist.
The next call came from someone who misplaced one of their forms, and needed another one. I then told her to call the Office of People Who Mail Forms to Losers Who Lose Them, and she told me that it closed because of budgetary constraints six years ago. I told her I was not the one who closed it, so she has no business complaining to me about it. I was about to answer another call, but my supervisor announced that today was Mailperson's Appreciation Day, and it was mandatory that we all attend a three hour reception honoring mailpeople.
We all went to the designated coffee room, where we each had to pay $35 for stale danish, and to listen to a mail-person who had been flown in (first class, I might add) from Argentina, who discussed the mail delivery in medieval Turkish society. I made the mistake of pointing out that in the Middle Ages, Turkey was known as the Byzantine Empire, and I was fined $50 for harrassing the guest speaker.
I answered two more calls, before being interrupted by my supervisor, who told me it was mandatory for me to go to a seminar on agricultural accounting, when I pointed out that I was not an accountant, nor did my job even remotely involve any kind of accounting. He told me that he does not care about a minor technicality.
After returning from the seminar, I was about to answer another call, when my supervisor announced that it was quitting time, and like every day, I had to fill out a So, You Think You're Going Home form that made me promise not to try to break in later that night and steal anything, and had me verify that I had not been deported today. As I left, I picked up my paycheck, and used that money to buy a pack of gum.
Just 4 Laughs!
When Professors Say This...
They Really Mean This!
This needs some minor revisions.
I never actually got around to reading this.
My office hours are by appointment only.
I like to screw out of here early.
Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
I'll be fudging your grades.
This won't be on the test.
Bring the text to class.
I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time
with group read-alongs.
He's not fully up to speed on that.
He's got his head up his ass.
Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed...
I've got my head up HIS ass.
Not much is known about...
I don't know anything about...
We'll be spending a fair amount of time on this important
This was my dissertation topic.
Talk to the department secretary.
Talk to me in my office after class.
Get out of my face.
The tests will all be multiple-choice.
I take questions directly from the study guide and have
grad students do all my grading.
Don't come in late during my lecture.
I have the attention span of a fruit fly.
Save your questions until the end.
The final will be comprehensive.
I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I
couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.
Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentation.
This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and
let YOU teach.
There are two TA's available to help you.
I can't be bothered.
This year I'll be scaling the grades.
I just passed tenure review.
Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
I have a hangover.
Let's have class outdoors today!
I had beans for lunch.
You won't be able to sell the text back to the bookstore.
My contract wasn't picked up.
What the fuck?
Well, that answer would be beyond the scope of this course.
I haven't a clue.
That was supposed to be funny...
Please note the last day to withdraw.
The midterm's gonna suck.
The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17.
I only got around to making up the test last night.
The second list is optional reading.
I have a rich fantasy life.
I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this
The department stuck me with teaching this course
at the last possible minute.
Well, it was on the syllabus.
I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot
about it myself.
We'll just skip the term paper this semester.
There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.
Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam.
Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
I'm so fucking boring that no one would show up otherwise.
Read chapters 5 through 10.
I'm not coming in at all next week.
We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
I screwed up the lecture schedule.
Let's go over the exam.
Half of you failed.
It was in the textbook.
I pulled it out of my ass.
Extra credit is available.
I need some shit work done.
I'm postponing today's exam.
There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.
Don't write on the question sheet.
I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.
Next time we'll see a film.
I ran out of lecture material.
Don't worry, that won't be on the exam.
Ask someone who gives a shit.
Point of View
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, Minnesota**
It all depends on the way you look at things.
One day a father and his rich family took his son to a trip to the country
with the firm purpose to show him how poor people can be. They spent a day
and a night in the farm of a very poor family. When they got back from their
trip the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"Very good, Dad!"
"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.
"And what did you learn?"
The son answered, "I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four. We
have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden, they have a creek that
has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars. Our
patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon."
When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless.
His son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are!"
Isn't it true that it all depends on the way you look at things? If you have
love, friends, family, health, good humor and a positive attitude towards
life-you've got everything!
You can't buy any of these things, but still you can have all the material
possessions you can imagine, provisions for the future, etc., but if you are
poor of spirit, you have nothing!
Has This Ever Happened To You?
One night at about 3 am my wife was getting up from the tollet to
return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously
rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her.
She of course froze and listened attentively for any further sign of
invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a
step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again!
She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once
again tried to retreat from the bathroom.
This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back
of her leg! That was, of course, too much to bear. She literally
flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple
feet, to land screaming by my side.
This is not a pleasant way to wake up. Scrambling into
consciousness, now scared half to death myself, I managed to get the
The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper
neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom.
Received from BENNETnKIM.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only
one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began
to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he
understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The
magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's
parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found
himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of
course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with
hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you
do with the boat?"
"Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages. I'm Alan
Greenspan. ?No, no relation, sorry to say. May I call you Bill and Hillary?
Fine, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it is.
"So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, 4-something acres, as I
recall. That's $2.2 million, and, with the customary 20 percent down -
that's $440,000 - that leaves a mortgage of $1,760,000.
No problem. We do these kinds of deals all the time.
Now let*s just have a look at your financial statements.
"Let's see. Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States,
of course, and your salary is - oh, dear - $200,000 a year. We
usually recommend buying a house that costs no more than
two-and-a-half times your annual salary. That means you should be
looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher
on a quarter of an acre, not too fancy a neighborhood?
"And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What
will you do then? Open a library. In Little Rock, Arkansas. Wow! I
bet that will be some kind of money-maker.
"Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right?
"Let's see. Senators are paid $130,000 a year - assuming, of course,
you're elected - so even with Bill?s pensions, you should still be
looking for a house in the $325,000 range. Maybe a nice center-hall
colonial where the schools aren't so good.
"Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the home since 1991,
correct? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up with a
plan to overhaul the entire national health care system? "I see. It flopped,
in other words.
"But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How
about this Whitewater Development Corp.? "It went bankrupt.
"And Madison Guaranty? "Bankrupt.
"And Castle Grande? "Bankrupt, too.
"If you had gone to Yale Business School instead of Yale Law, you
could probably get your money back. "Now, don't get upset. It was just a
"A little bad luck with the law, too, I see.
Three of your business partners went to jail?
"Maybe you could get your money back.
"This is an embarrassing question, I know, but we have to ask because
it does, after all, affect your ability to pay:
"Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine.
"Let's look at your assets: $1.5 million.
"Yes, yes, Mr. Clinton, we're not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock.
"But oh, those liabilities. You owe $5.5 million. That means you're
$4 million in the hole. "How do you expect to pay that off?
"You're hoping people will donate to a special fund.
"So basically, you're relying on the charity of strangers.
"You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be
setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the
air fares. And she wants to go to medical school? Ouch!
"And Mr. Clinton. There's a little matter of a $90,000 fine for lying
in court. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work.
"Say, now, how do we know you're not lying on your loan application?
"Good point. It would look a lot better if you were lying.
"Are there any other legal matters we should know about?
"You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first lady is
'pretty much in the clear indictment-wise'. What does that mean?
"You don't think - don't think - she's going to get hit with a
perjury or obstruction of justice rap. "But we're not totally sure, right?
"That means there's the remote possibility - note that I say
'remote'-that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million >
mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds
and he is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.
"Let's review the situation.
"One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be.
"You have these whopping great debts that you're hoping someone is
going to come along and pay.
"You have a financial history that can only with great charity be
described as 'checkered* plus a bunch of serious financial demands
and ongoing legal problems.
"Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.
"So, congratulations! Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of home-owners.
You've got your mortgage!"
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, MN**
*Sign on the side of a firewood delivery truck: "Fulfilling all your burning desires!"
* On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
* Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
* In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
* On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
* On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
* At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
* On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
* On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
* In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels." * On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
* On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
* At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
* On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
* At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
* Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
* Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
* At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
* In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
* On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
* In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
* On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
* At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
* In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
* On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
* On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
* In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
* Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
* In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
* On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
* In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
* In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
Worth the $2!
A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Debbie Hoellen, Denver, Colorado, via Karen Isaak, Denver, Colorado**
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband
a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it! I want a divorce!"
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce,
there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean,
no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a
gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with John?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.
1) "Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."
--Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst
2) "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
3) "Please provide the date of your death." --from an IRS letter
4) "I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
--Richard Nixon, US President
5) "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from he truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
from Poor Rolo's E-Manac
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:
"Shall We Gather at the River."
Thanx to Mark Barnes.
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced.
Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
Received from JoLene.
NEWS & NOTICES
'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the
Church, labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's
Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth,
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard
spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."'
"Pounds to Save Prostitutes":
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes'
pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We
will be training them for new positions in hotels."
"We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated
that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a
typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a
Detective in the Police Farce."
Just 4 Laughs!
Two British sailors attended a church service in Stockholm. Not
speaking a word of Swedish and not wishing to appear out of place
they sat behind an important looking man and when he stood up or
knelt down, they did the same. At the end of the service, the pastor
made what was evidently an announcement, whereupon the man in
front of the sailors rose to his feet, and they did likewise - to a
roar of laughter from the congregation.
As the sailors left the church, the pastor spoke to them in English,
so they asked him the reason for the laughter. "Oh!" he said, "I
mentioned that next Sunday morning there was to be a baptism and
would the father of the child please stand up."
Heavenly Golf Intervention
The preacher is playing his usual round at the Hardscrabble Muny G.C.
when he arrives at the 14th tee. This hole is a 152 yard par three
with a lake in the front of the green. This hole is also the
preacher's nemesis no matter how well or how poorly he is playing.
Upon arriving at the tee, the preacher tees up his ball, gets ready
to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens and says,
"God, I have been a good and decent man. Please, just this once, let
me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the green."
As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens
and says, "Use a new ball, they go further."
The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly advice and goes to
his bag and gets a new Maxfli. He takes his stance and the heavenly
voice booms, "Take a practice swing first."
The preacher is now awestruck by the heavenly advice, steps back from
the ball and takes a practice swing. He takes his stance and the
heavenly voice booms, "Use the old ball."
Leave it to Kids
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's Driver's License. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." "Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce.
You got an "F" in sex."
The Skeleton in the Building
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make
room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings
it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a
skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided
that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed
them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said this
could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.
Two days went by and the construction workers couldnt stand it any
more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and
said we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we
want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.
The police said its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of
Well, who was it?
The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion.
Just 4 Laughs!
A blonde with a hole in her hand
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ajay Ambastha, Mumbai, India**
A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor
told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious
gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?
The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit
suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I
just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I
pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got
a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the
gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and
I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought,
wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"
The Conductor and the Bananas
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ajay Ambastha, Mumbai, India**
A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor,
fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After fifteen minutes
the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the
ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.
Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to
be electrocuted, his last request is for twelve pounds of bananas, which he
devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits
there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from
God and he is freed.
Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when
he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he
lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and
Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the dozen pounds
of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.
This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of
water, he tries everything - but still the guy won't die. So again, he is
Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him just one day to lose his temper
and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns
to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution. At this
point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been
Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret - "What is it
with the bananas?"
Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it", replies our friend. "I'm just a
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Brian Nelson, Hitterdahl, MN**
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other
is used to carry groceries.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
You fill it with gas.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
Have you heard George Michael's new song?
It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go.
I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings
out a guy who looks just like me.
What is forty foot long and has eight teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What's the weather like in Tahoe?
Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
This guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe
he'd like to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes to a pet shop in
search of a friend.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,
"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually
understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this;how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you
asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar,
kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."
"Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with
competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.
"Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20
just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great
pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is
delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says,
Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the
cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's
about your wife and the mailman."
"What?" says the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today
your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to
look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down..."
The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? What happened?"
says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the parrot, "I fell off my perch."
Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in
the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret
place. You are in total seclusion from that place called
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air
with a cascade of serenity. The water is so clear that
you can easily make out the face of the person whose
head you are holding under the water.
There now.......feeling better?
Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.
Question 2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He
also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used
opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey
Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't
had any extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler
... and by the way:
Answer to the Question 1 - if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
On Persistence, Vision and Potential:
The Little Turtle That Could
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air
waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with
a hard knock on his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he
starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of eagles are
sitting at the top of the tree, watching the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female eagle says to the male, "Dearest, That little turtle is amazing -- he persists and persists and persists. But I think it's
time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED WHEN...
You can achieve a "runners high" by sitting up.
The sun is too loud.
You are missing several days from this week.
Trees begin to chase you.
You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
You wonder if brewing is *really* a necessary step for the
consumption of coffee.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that
you've said it before.
You can hear mimes.
Things become "very clear." Everything is "very clear, indeed."
You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
You and reality file for divorce.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that
you've said it before.
It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
You can travel without moving.
Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get
into a nasty tiff over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for
the next day.
Just 4 Laughs!
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to,
after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more
money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick
and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The
substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll
have to think of something to play after I make the announcement
about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and
Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as
much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can
pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled
And that, is how the substitute became the regular organist!
A 104 year-old woman was being interviewed by a reporter. "And what
do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
"No peer pressure" she responded.
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell a person's
fortune and weight. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing
her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, and
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Received from BILL'S PUNCH LINE (email@example.com)
The President is meeting with Saddam Hussein regarding the recent crisis. They are meeting in Hussein's Baghdad capital, and halfway through the meeting Hussein hits a button on his armrest. A fake arm flies out and hits Clinton in the face.
A little while later he hits another button and Clinton ducks, only to be kicked in the butt. A while later, this happens again. Clinton is angry, calls a break, and they decide to meet again later, in Washington.
When Hussein comes to DC, they sit in Clinton's office. A few minutes into the discussions, Clinton hits a button, Hussein ducks, but nothing happens. A few minutes later, Clinton hits another button, Hussein ducks again, but still nothing happens. This happens a third time, and Hussein, by this point, is angry and paranoid.
He gets up and shouts "Enough of this! I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Clinton looks up and displays a funny-looking smirk to the Iraqi leader. Then quite calmly replies, "What Baghdad?"
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jeff Swenson, Pelican Rapids,
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that the open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend
Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
Dark Side College Commencement
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Perry Olson, Anoka, Minnesota**
For all you StarWars fans. This was speech was rumored to have been given by
Darth Vader at the commencement ceremonies of Vasser College last year.
To the tune of "Everybody's free to where sunscreen"
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of '98...embrace the Dark
Side. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, The Dark Side would
be it. The long-term benefits of The Dark Side have been proved by the Dark
Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering cruelty and conquests.
I will dispense this advice now...
Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet. Oh, nevermind, you will never
understand the power and the beauty of your planet until after the Empire has
destroyed it in a futile attempt to find the Rebel Base. But trust me, in
twenty years, you will look back at photos of your home and recall, in a way
you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous your
planet really looked before it was a
pile of burning space rubble. Your planet is not as dull as you imagine.
Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real
troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your twisted
mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on some
Do in one Death Star officer every day.
Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey
Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side of a
The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your idiot
Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your bratty
upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old light saber, but change your costume slightly with every sequel.
Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side. The
most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for their
victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still don't.
Have plenty of minions.
Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, maybe he
won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and assist
you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll become a rebel
leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself
either. Your destiny is guided by the Force. So is everybody else's.
Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what
other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to destroy a planet
is insignificant next to its power.
Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.
Listen to what the Emperor has forseen, even if you don't follow his
Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And vulnerable.
Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be your
Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi lineage and
the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future.
Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should keep
from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need to
send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.
Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot.
Live on Tattooine once, but leave before you get heat stroke.
Travel. Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter.
Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial Senate
will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll
fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed, the Imperial
Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor.
Respect your Emperor.
Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you. Maybe he'll give in to
his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll never know when he'll
whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to the Light Side and
saving his sorry butt.
Don't strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful than
you could possibly imagine.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it, or
I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a
way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting
black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more than its worth.
But trust me on the Dark Side.
Scott and God
Eighty-year-old Scott went for his annual physical. All of his tests came
back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "Scott, everything looks great,
physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace
with yourself? Do you have a good relationship with God?"
"God and me are tight," Scott replied. "We are so close that when I get up
in the middle of the night, poof! -- the light goes on and I go to the
bathroom and then, poof! -- the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called Scott's wife. "Sandra," he said,
"Scott is just fine. Physically, he's great. But I had to call because I'm
in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night, and poof! -- the light goes on in the bathroom and then, poof! --
the light goes off?"
Sandra replied, "Damn fool ! He's peeing in the fridge again!"
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN ....
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul,
-The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
-You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of
-You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
-Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People.
-You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
-Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this"
-You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
-You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
-Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
-You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start
-You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
-You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
-The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas
it has in it.
-You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.'
-One of your kids was born on a pool table.
-Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
-You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
-You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
-Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
-You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
-You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
-Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
-Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
In an Imaginary World
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Mike Capote, Miami, Florida, and Mexico City, Mexico**
In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the
beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody's horny.
In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you" and "you're
cool" mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college,
it means "will you fuck me?"
In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love, in
college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you
goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner
and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that
a kiss goodnight.
In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings.
In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they
respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.
In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college it's
a fuckfest or pretty close to it.
In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college,
you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by. Or if they do
call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.
In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are
asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice guys finish last.
In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens
every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each others names.
IT ALWAYS SEEMS MEANINGLESS TO AT LEST ONE OF THE PARTNERS!
In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In
college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura,
Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica,
Cory, Rachel, Heather
Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?
Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army, another had two sons captured.
Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.
They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor. What kind of men were they?
Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated.
But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.
Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.
Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.
Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.
At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.
Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.
John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart. Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates.
Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution.
These were not wild eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor."
They gave you and me a free and independent America. The history books never told you a lot of what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't just fight the British. We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government!
Some of us take these liberties so much for granted...We shouldn't.
So, take a couple of minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid . . .
LET'S ALL REMEMBER THAT FREEDOM IS "NEVER FREE"!!!!
Author unknown and received from Patti Ordower.
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