Here's some useless information to jump start your day or add spice to a boring training event. Many of these came to me over the Net - thus a source is unavailable for them. And a couple of them I know are accurate, so maybe they all are? Use as you will!
On Religious Persecution:
Pundit / Evangelist Jerry Falwell offered:
"Most hate crimes in America today are not directed toward African-American or Jewish people or gays or lesbians. They are directed toward evangelical Christians." (as told to Time Magazine).
But according to the FBI's most recent hate-crime statistics (1997), there were 3,838 bias-motivated offenses against African-Americans, 1,159 against Jews and 1,351 against gays and lesbians.
Bias-motivated crimes against Protestants totalled 59.
But maybe the FBI statistics are biased? Ask Jerry...
In a similar vein, Pat Robertson's Moral Majority claimed 1.7 million members while the US Post Office showed that only 330,000 people actually got the group's magazine, which was distributed to all its members... If anything, one might expect these two guys to give true figures.
11:1 - the ratio of the average salary of a Japanese CEO to that of a Japanese blue-collar worker.
476:1 - the ratio of the average salary of an American CEO to that of an American blue-collar worker.
Statistic from Center for Disease Control (1995 - 1997 study) - 48% of the elderly in West Virginia report having lost ALL their teeth. This compares to 13.9% for Hawaii, for example.
Last year, Kiplinger's reported that some 3,000 US taxpayers received tax bills from our IRS indicating that each owed our government a bit more than $300,000,000 in taxes. Most notable, Lorie Marling of Columbus, OH got a bill for $270 BILLION dollars, with the note that she could choose to pay it in 3 installments of $90 billion each. We should all be grateful to Lorie for doing more than her share to support our government. BTW, Have you paid your taxes?
On Leadership -
In the April 8, 1996 issue of Forbes Magazine in an article entitled,
"Leadership Can Be Learned?", a Penn State Report estimated that
organizations in the US spent over $15 billion in 1995 on leadership
training (defined as training executives or the hierarchy) (Rifkin, 1996).
Fifteen billion dollars divided by 52 weeks, comes to $288,461,539 spent
on leadership training per week. This weekly expense equals 14.5 tons of
twenty dollar bills. (One million dollars in twenty dollar bills weighs 101 pounds).
If we spend 14.5 tons of twenty dollar bills* on leadership training every
week in the US, what is our return on investment? If we are spending
freight cars full of money every week on leadership training, where are
all the leaders? Where is the leadership? (And where is all that money!)
* Please note that this is only 2.9 tons of $100 bills! Much more easily hidden in a cargo van.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy radiation to heat one cup of coffee. A microwave oven might be a more efficient way to accomplish this task.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. Consider how much blood it moves in a lifetime!
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. A stationary bicycle is more efficient and you can read at the same time.
Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
A gorilla's penis is 1/3 that of a human.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
The giraffe has a black tongue that is 14 inches long and almost no vocal cords.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Top Ten Things We're Told That You'll Never Hear from a Consultant
(internal or external!):
10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case / Training and Development Magazine I read.
6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks okay. You really don't need us.
from the "Just 4 Laughs!" emailings
Proper Job Placement
by Kathy Lydon, Chicago, Illinois
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement:
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
* If they have taken the table apart, assign them in Engineering.
* If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, put them in Finance.
* If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing (quickly!).
* If they conversing with the chairs, Personnel seems a good spot.
* If they are sleeping, they may be Management material.
* If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
* If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
* If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
* And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
SOME CAMPING TIPS
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, it is OK to go into the woods alone.
You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
from the Good Clean Funnies List
Facts about Americans. (Remember when you are reading this 90% of people admit that they sometimes lie.)
AROUND THE HOUSE
* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
* 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. (Is there a correlation????)
* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
* 17% have been caught by the host.
* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
* 29% of us ignore RSVP.
* 35% give to charity at least once a month.
* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
* Snickers is the most popular candy.
* 22% of us skip lunch daily.
* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
* 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
* Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
* 33% of women lie about their weight.
* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
* The average girl starts her period at age 12.
* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
* 45.2% pee in the shower.
* 44.9% pee in the ocean.
* 28.1% pee in the pool.
* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
* 4 out of 5 sing in the car. (and probably 4 out of 5 can't sing for beans either)
* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
* 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit. (This is hard to believe - Get on a highway and go the exact speed limit. Are 45% of the people not passing you - I doubt it)
* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
* 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
WHAT WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING
13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
* 90% believe in divine retribution.
* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. (That's one Commandment per person on average)
* 82% believe in an afterlife.
* 45% believe in ghosts.
* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. (Not Counting Casper)
* 49% believe in ESP.
* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
* 59% of us say we're average-looking.
* Less than 10% are trilingual.
* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
* 44% reuse tinfoil.
* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
* 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
LOVE & SEX
* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
* Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
* 29% of us are virgins when we marry. (How many claim they are?)
* The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
* Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4".
* 56% of men have had sex at work.
* 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.
* Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
* 6% propose over the phone. (Guys get a clue)
(And what percent said yes?)
from the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Safe E-mail Q & A?
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe E-MAIL?
A. Although married people E-MAIL quite often, there are many single people who E-MAIL to complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents say they never had E-MAIL when they were young and were only allowed to write their memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they can E-MAIL?
A. E-MAILing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedures.
Q. If I E-MAIL something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go to pay to E-MAIL, is this legal?
A. Yes! Many people have no other outlet for their E-MAIL drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to E-MAIL becomes too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for E-MAILing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are E-MAILing to, a cover should be used to insure safe E-MAIL.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I E-MAIL prematurely?
A. Don't panic, many people prematurely E-MAIL when they haven't E-MAILed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business E-MAIL, can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-E-MAILual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
(off the Net from a friend; proper source unknown)
What Really Happened...
"I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid for." - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn't win a game.
"I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modeling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
"You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
"There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organization in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
"The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
"The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
"All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
"Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.
"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
"And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.
from the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
The Top 16 Signs You're Hopelessly Geeky
16. Your screen saver: "Deep Blue Kicks Ass!"
15. You spend hours prioritizing your list of questions you'd like to ask Commander Data if you ever meet him in person.
14. At the local Radio Shack, you're greeted like Norm at Cheers.
13. You're the head A/V technician on a space ship behind Hale-Bopp.
12. You receive a grant from the International Plaid Foundation.
11. You're 42 years old and you use the word "Wookie" at least a dozen times a day.
10. Slim Jims and Ding Dongs form the base of your nutrition pyramid.
9. Seven years, $60 million, and your new high-tech house still ain't done.
8. You have electrical tape holding your contact lenses together.
7. You prefer to be thought of as an "artist who works in the medium of ASCII."
6. Discussions with your friends about the properties of dilithium crystals routinely lead to fistfights.
5. Your favorite Marx Brother? Zeppo.
4. You're not geeky at all, and neither are your kids: McCoy, Sulu, Uhura, and Scotty.
3. Your first and only attempt at foreplay ended abruptly when your own bow tie gave you a wedgie.
2. You *ask* your mom to buy you Toughskins.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Hopelessly Geeky...
1. You know how to say, "I can't go swimming -- I've eaten less than 2 hours ago." in 5 languages.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List email@example.com http://www.topfive.com ]
These aren't Murphy's Laws but some of them should be
"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"The Law of Motivation"
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
You always find something in the last place you look.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkedness"
You can't fall off the floor.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
from the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
GASOLINE STILL INEXPLICABLY CHEAPER THAN MILK
AUSTIN, TX--The University of Texas released a report Monday stating that, for some inexplicable reason, gasoline, a steadily depleting, non-renewable fossil fuel buried far beneath the earth's surface, is still far less expensive than the milk of a cow. Milk, a plentiful substance which is not made of dinosaur remains and requires no multi-million-dollar machinery to draw it from deep within the earth's core, costs approximately $2.45 a gallon, compared to $1.30 for a gallon of gas. "This is puzzling," University of Texas agriculture-school Professor Herbert Roth said. "It's almost as if someone is trying to get people to buy more gas."
TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz" in the Marin Paper
"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."
Our Crazy American Language
Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?
In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
Is there another word for a synonym?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
Where do swear words come from?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do people use the word "irregardless"?
Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?
Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?
Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?
Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?. "I'm four and a half!"
You're never 36 and a half. You're four and a half... going on five!
That's the key! You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 13, but hey, you're *gonna* be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life happens... you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony; ~~* YOU BECOME 21 *~~ YYYYYYES!!!
But then you turn 30. Ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. "He TURNED, we had to throw him out." There's no fun now, you're just a sourpuss.
What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the breaks, it's all slipping away.
Before you know it, you REACH 50... and your dreams are gone. But wait, you MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you'd would!!!
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again; "I'm 100 and a half!!!"
MORE RAMBLINGS.... (unattributed)
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$
back to Quotes, Jokes and Other Funnies
back to Articles and Whole Bunch of Other Stuff