HOW TO WRITE GOOD - A Article of Ideas

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

8. Be more or less specific.

9. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than unnecessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should never generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Profanity is for assholes.

26. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earthshaking ideas.

27. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

28. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

29. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:

Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it effectively.

30. Puns are for children, not for groan readers.

31. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

32. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

33. Who needs rhetorical questions?

34. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

35. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


Stephen Wright's thoughts on Language and Thinking

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.


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