Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Old Chinese Saying
A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light work."
On Quality
A managed care reviewer gave this critique of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony:
1. All 12 violins played the same notes. This is unnecessary duplication. Their numbers should be cut.
2. For a considerable period oboe players had nothing to do. Their numbers should be reduced and their work spread evenly among other staff.
3. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that ewas already handled by the strings. If such redundancies were eliminated, the concert could be cut 20 minutes.
4. The symphony has two movements. Mr. Schubert should have been able to achieve his musical goals in one.
Conclusion: If Mr. Schubert had paid attention to these matters, he would have had time to finish the symphony.
from Readers' Digest and seen in various places. Author unknown
Some Definitions You May Find Helpful
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH:
A female moth.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.
from "Just 4 Laughs!" list --- FREE Humor To Your E-mail!
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Feel Like a Woman?
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Karen Isaak, Denver, Colorado**
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when a wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. I'm too young to die, she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable. I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman. Well, I've had it. Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN ?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built with long flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his broad tan chest as he reaches her. He extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
Seminars for Males and Females - Some Suggested Topics
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Matt Turowski, somewhere between the East and West Coasts of the United States**
SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males)
1. Elementary Map Reading
2. Crying and Law Enforcement
3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming your VCR
4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
5. Gaining 5 Pounds vs. The End of the World (a study in contrasts)
6. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
7. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
8. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
9. Driving IV: Makeup & Driving: It's as Simple as Oil & Water
10: Football: Not a Game, A Sacrament
11: Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
12. How to Earn Your Own Money
13. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
14. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
15. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nusances of Wearable Laundry
16. Yes, You Can Fill Up At a Self Serve Station
17. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
18. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is NOT a Toy
19. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
20. Why Your Mother is Unwelcomed in the House
21. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard or Victimized Sensitive Man?
SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females)
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You too Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give Us Money
6. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash My Silks")
7. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00 am
8. Parenting: No, It Dose't End With Conception
9. Get A Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
12. You: The Weaker Sex
13. Reasons to Give Flowers
14. How to Stay Awake In Public
15. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
16. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
17. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
18. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down
19. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are NOT Synonyms
20. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses Are Bull
21. How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost
22. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
23. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
24. Mothers-In-Laws: They are People Too
25. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
26. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
27. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is NOT NECESSARY
28. Techniques for Calling Home
40 Things a Man Should Know By 40
1. The difference between love and lust.
2. How to change a tire, a diaper, and a woman's mind.
3. When to hold on and when to let go.
4. Your capacity for intimacy and alcohol.
5. Basic carpentry, plumbing and automotive repair.
6. Advanced foreplay.
7. At least one woman other that their mother whose love for them is substantial and enduring.
8. Trouble when he sees it.
9. True love when he feels it.
10. A load of bull when he hears it.
11. The symptoms of PMS and how to deal with them.
12. His strengths and weaknesses.
13. How to fast-talk and slow-dance.
14. The art of seduction.
15. That his wife (lover, girlfriend) is not his mother.
16. A woman's ergeneous zones.
17. How to negotiate the inevitable compromises of a romantic relationship in ways that keep both sides as happy as possible.
18. What he wants out of life and how to go after it.
19. Which medical tests he needs and when to get them.
20. How to make money, dinner, conversation, and love.
21. His own needs and another person's ability to fulfill them.
22. How to start a fire-in the hearth and the heart.
23. A realistic plan to secure his retirement.
24. An idealistic plan to secure his grandchildren's future.
25. How to unhook a bra with one hand-in the dark.
26. Where to get breakfast/gas/a prescription filled at 2 am.
27. How to give a toast and take a compliment.
28. How to be gracious in victory and defeat.
29. When to talk and when to listen.
30. At least one true friend who will be there whenever he calls.
31. The fundamental workings of the female psyche.
32. The Ten Commandments.
33. The importance of trying to follow them.
34. His way around a kitchen.
35. The futility of unrequited love.
36. The ecstacy of unconditional love.
37. How to open a bottle of champagne.
38. How to close a deal.
40. The magic of a woman.
39. ? that must be her age.
Warmups for that Ultimate Darwin Award
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.
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Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
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I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
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A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
Airplane Humor
Here are some reportedly actual humorous statements by airline flights crews. Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported. (It also may be why the FAA is encouraging airlines to do this via video presentations! Not a humorous bunch, we find.)
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"You seat cushions can function as a floatation device. In First Class, they also function as real seats."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.
Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!
"Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.
As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
"And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Lost In The Park
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.
"Oy Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "Lost I wasn't.....I was just too tired to walk home."
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Missionary Man and the Bike
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bob Laurie, Juneau, AK**
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
Physics saves lives
As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
Whose The Best
The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Have you got the time?
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously
heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you
got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a
quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake
brightens a little.
"Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone
display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says
"The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few
more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display
is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says
Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very
high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The
flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.
"View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the
bugs", says the inventor.
"But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is
also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a
sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with
thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my
favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready -"
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and
development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it
ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically
finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it
is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey,
wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around
warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle
through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM CALIFORNIA WHEN:
1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway
2. Your were born somewhere else
3. You know how to eat an artichoke
4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic
5. Your car has bulletproof windows
6. Left is right and right is wrong
7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income
8. Your mouse has only one ball
9. If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up
10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by
11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it
12. You drive to your neighborhood block party
13. Your family tree contains "significant others"
14. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist
15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them
16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance
17. More than clothes come out of the closets
18. "The Dead" are best live
19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach
20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse
21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers
22. Smoking in your office is not optional
23. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach
24. When you can't meet schedule because you must "do lunch"
25. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks
26. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news
27. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman
28. You consult your horoscope before planning your day
29. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery
30. When all highways into the state say: "No fruits"
31. All highways out of the state say: "Go back"
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Nusing Home
A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisleway and went to talk with the administrators.
The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.
The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticedand put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.
The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.
"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."
The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."
from "The Good, Clean Funnies List"
Cigars...
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. If I lose this case, I'll be ruined. It's in the judge's hands now, said the lawyer.
Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars? Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge.
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked! I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them.
But I did send them. What?? You did? Yes. That's how we won the case. I don't understand, said the lawyer.
It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.
from "The Good, Clean Funnies List"
Extreme Measures
An instructor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an attractive, sexy-looking lady knocked on his door.
Yes?, he replied, how may I help you? The lady said
"I need to talk to you about my grade in your class."
"Come in and have a seat," said the instructor.
Is there anything I can do to get an "A" in your class?
"What do you mean by *anything*," he replied.
She said "Anything!"
Anything??
She said, in her best sultry voice "I mean ANYTHING."
The instructor got up from behind his desk, sat down beside her and whispered in her ear, "Would you study?"
from "The Good, Clean Funnies List"
To be Sane, or not to be Sane
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.
Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Author unknown. Submitted by Leota M Duval. From "The Good, Clean Funnies List"
Honeymoon Interference
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.
Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!"
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
The Value of Roof Preading, Marketing and Thinking
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body
ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning: keep out of children
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS - Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
GROUCHO MARX HAD SOME OF THE BEST LINES...
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is I'm against it.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Wailing Wall
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man.
I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man replies, calmly: . . . "Like I'm talking to a wall."
from "The Good, Clean Funnies List"
HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE...
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chairdancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has
withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
THE COW FROM MINSK
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles.
So they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow. It had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.
They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND
By Charles Wilkes, reportedly from an actual trial in the UK:
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins," then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling." I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick." Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The case was dismissed.
About Horses, Square Wheels and Teamwork
A manager pulled his wagon into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Lester, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the wagon out of the ditch, much to the appreciation of the wagon puller and his team.
The driver of the wagon was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said there was a simple explanation, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Adapted from the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Differences Between You And Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's being thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK:
(long, but good!)
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one
else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured
by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,
and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when
you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front
of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler
after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that
the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like
Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight
with her.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
!?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I
could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends
call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chili# 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her
snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it
from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I
asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and
I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at
autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air
I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files
people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: Momma??!!
Submitted by Sigrid Scheeff.
From "The Good, Clean Funnies List"
Out Late or In Early?
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his
breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is
a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the
morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
You put both contacts into the same eye.
Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS . . .
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Suggested Breast Preparations for a Mammogram
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Kathy Lydon, Chicago, Illinois**
A Mammogram is an X-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word breast!
Mammograms require breasts to do special gymnastics unlike those performed during sex or other routine activities. If you have extremely agile breasts, you may do fine. Most breasts, however, pretty much just hang around doing nothing in particular (except looking sexy), so they're woefully unprepared.
If you think your breasts may be in less than top form, prepare for a mammogram using these simple exercises:
Exercise 1: Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) between the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily. More if possible.
Exercise 2: Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.
Exercise 3: (Advanced Breast Preparation) Situate yourself comfortably as you lay on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby (or other Breast Preparer Buddy) will slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side.
Exercises 1 & 2 should be done frequently during the entire life of your breasts. However, Exercise 3 should only be done 1 time per week for the 4 weeks prior to an actual Mammogram procedure.
Please note, these are only suggested preparations. As in childbirth, nothing can truly prepare you for the real experience!
TENNIS
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A woman standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the woman sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
Submitted by A Merry Heart mailing list. (hub@xc.org)
from "The Good, Clean Funnies List"
Bad News, Good News & Really Great News
When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
from the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
A Run In With a Train
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
This steam engine rolls around the corner and hits the man -- but only a glancing blow -- and he is thrown to the side of the tracks, suffering some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
Tales From The Office
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
Ribs?
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.
Adam asked, "What would a woman like this cost me??"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought for a moment, then said, "What can I get for a just a rib???"
The rest is history.
Submitted by Carol Calvert to The Good, Clean Funnies List
At The Convent
The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no! One nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no! One nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no! One nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no! One nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
One nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!...
Rabbi as a Substitute Priest
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Randy Jones, Rochester, MN**
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, 3 for $5.00.
Immediate Loan
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
On Generation X
(From a Washington Post Report, in which readers were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days:)
Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)
First Runner-Up:
In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster:
In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
Honorable Mentions:
In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have days. There was only time for work, time for prayer and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet. (David Ronka, Charlottesville)
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as GKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie)
In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did. (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy. (Bruce Evans, Washington)
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)
Submitted by Ginger Houston-Ludlam.
The Top 16 Signs You Put Your Kid in the Wrong Pre-School
16. Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of "Lord of the Flies."
15. Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some waterpaints, and no pants.
14. "OK, kids! Gather 'round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!"
13. Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.
12. First school fund-raiser is for the Salman Rushdie fatwa reward prize.
11. No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret's School for the Gender Ambiguous directly into the NBA.
10. Practice of "trapping and killing your lunch" not mentioned in brochure.
9. Leather-clad teacher announces that the letters for today are S and M.
8. Two words: Full Montessori
7. The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle.
6. She can't say her ABC's, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat.
5. Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.
4. For snack time, it's always anchovies and Clamato.
3. "Do-Bee" always seems to have the munchies.
2. The teacher sends home a note reading, "Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps getting into my tequila."
and Top5's Number 1 Sign You Put Your Kid in the Wrong Pre-School...
1. On the first day, the children are divided into "pimps" and "hos."
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys
By Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat
MikSCott6Xpnki now has a book out based on the article called The Geek Handbook. You can find it at www.thegeekhandbook.com
So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the scenester dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot grrrls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating
one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.
Where The Geek Dude Lurks
While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation.
Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes,
cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength.
Imprinting
You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how
the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic....
The Trek factor
If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping a geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine, your Voyager. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. For extra help in learning how to relate in their own language, check out the Klingon Language Institute.
Once You've Nabbed Him
Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was also clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek man:
Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks a chance.
Geek Cuisine
Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.
Geek Lifestyle
The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home with him. He seems permanently connected to his hard disk. You must at least appear interested in his work. Generally, a solid understanding of the computer is a must; if you cannot master this, you should at least be able to talk the talk. Remember most geeks are anal and they get stressed about details which appear insignificant. Be understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above) and empathize.
To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games. Let him play Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants to. Act concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs. My geek loves to try to help people on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst. He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank. Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your man.
Geek Buddies
Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights"). The greatest thing about your geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around females at first, so don't overwhelm them. In time they will come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things they are.
Post-It Note
I thank Victoria for the above advice. I must say that when she read my draft of the piece, before writing her section, she asked her husband which one he thought she was more like, Deanna or Beverly. Howard, the devil, immediately replied that he had always thought Victoria was actually most like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character with a slight authority problem who is always had trouble (this is fairly apt). This exchange is interesting for several reasons:
1. Howard had already thought about who she was most like.
2. He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease.
3. Victoria actually knew who he meant.
Folks, I think this marriage will last.
One Last Thing
Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven't noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don't ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet.
Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles. Don't you consider yourself one? Wouldn't you like a little intellectual stimulation or your own? We thought so.
Happy Hunting!
Copyright 1995 Bunnyhop. Reprinted without permission.
Unanswerable
A trainer was working with engineers and wanted to make her presentation a bit more scientific. She was using the example of the circulation of the blood to make a point about organizational culture, leadership and paradox and to explain some predictable and natural reactions in certain situations.
After making a couple of points about connectivity and synergy, she said: "Now, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it. One obvious external reaction would be that my face would turn red."
The trainees all agreed. There were certain predictable aspects of how things worked. Then she wanted to use a paradox:
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
One of the engineers said, "All of us would agree that it's because your feet aren't empty."
Sweetheart
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, MN**
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed
something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her: "My Love",
"Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these
years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, honestly, ....I've forgotten her name."
YOU MIGHT BE FROM A SMALL TOWN IF:
1. You can name everyone you graduated with
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home
3. You know what 4-H is
4. You ever went to "headlight parties"
5. You used to drag "main"
6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't
8. You ever went cow-tipping
9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties
10. You have parties at the same guy's house
12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events
13. The town social events are their children's
14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)
15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them
16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut
17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade
18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming
19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself
20. No place sells gas on Sunday
21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)
22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks
23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town
24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date
25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog
26. You had senior skip day
27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation
28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street
30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field)
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Six Phases of a Project
Enthusiasm
Disillusionment
Panic
Search for the Guilty
Punishment of the Innocent
Praise and Honor for the Non-Participants
note: This is NOT a joke! ;-)
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant
10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Proper Job Placement by Kathy Lydon, Chicago, Illinois**
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement:
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
* If they have taken the table apart, assign them in Engineering.
* If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, put them in Finance.
* If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing (quickly!).
* If they conversing with the chairs, Personnel seems a good spot.
* If they are sleeping, they may be Management material.
* If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
* If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
* If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
* And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
THINGS THAT IRRITATE A SANE PERSON
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 pm instead of 7 am.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
Thanx to Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List.
More Thoughts On Marriage!
-Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
-Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore,marriage is an institution for the blind.
-Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
-Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
-Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
-Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
-Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
-Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. *
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. * In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
-It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
-Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
-It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!
-There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
-A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
-Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know
his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
-There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
-Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
-They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
-When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
-There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
Ole, Lena and Sven Lost in the Woods
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes,
Minnesota, with the following note: "This is an oldie but funny. All you
North and South Dakota people will also relate to these. Mom, don't lose your
teeth reading them."**
Ole, Lena and Sven were lost in the woods of Northern Minnesota and were
becoming desperate having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the
snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down
into the snow to look for nuts, he found an oil lamp and upon rubbing it to
get the snow off, a genie came out. The genie says, "I am da great genie of
Nordern Minnesooota and I can grant each of you vun vish."
Ole says, "I vish I vas back on da farm." Poof, Ole was gone.
Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole." Poof, Lena was gone.
Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "Sven, vat is
your vish?" and Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena were
here with me."
Reasons Why Cyber Sex is So Popular
10. It's easy to turn a computer on--just flip the switch.
9. Virtual dancing baby easier to care for than real one.
8. Less threat of Kenneth Starr investigation.
7. No trips to the doctor if you catch a computer virus.
6. The low cost of commitment: only $19.95 in ISP charges.
5. Monitor size doesn't matter.
4. Easier to hide a laptop if someone walks in.
3. You never spend a penny on deodorant, perfume, or Mentos.
2. Everybody assumes "clinton@whitehouse.gov" is just an alias.
1. No need to say, "I have a headache"--just claim you couldn't dial into your AOL account.
Fairy Tales
The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""
"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonite . . . "
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
FAITHFUL CRUISING...
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
If You See Me Running...
The other day, we had a bomb scare here in Rio Rancho, NM, at the Giant gas station. Of course, the bomb squad had to be called out to investigate, which in turn brought the news crews. In the local paper the next day, there was a picture of a bomb squad member, wearing a shirt that read:
"I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up!"
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
Kids say the darndest things...
Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers.
Here are a few examples:
- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the
top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
From "The Good, Clean Funnies List"
Some Mergers and company combinations
A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.
There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape:
Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.
Others in the works:
3M & Goodyear = mmmGood
John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi
Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home
Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine
3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera
Grey Poupon + Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants
Knott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOW
Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple
Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese
Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da
Thanx to: Mikey's Funnies - From "The Good, Clean Funnies List"
PR HEAVEN & HELL
There once was a PR Account Guy who lived his whole life without ever
taking advantage of any of the people he dealt with. In fact, he made sure
that every story he pitched was a win-win situation.
One day while walking down the street he was tragically hit by a bus and
he died. His soul arrived up in heaven where he was met at the Pearly
Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though
it seems we have a problem. You see,