Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.


Old Chinese Saying

A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light work."


On Quality

A managed care reviewer gave this critique of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony:

1. All 12 violins played the same notes. This is unnecessary duplication. Their numbers should be cut.

2. For a considerable period oboe players had nothing to do. Their numbers should be reduced and their work spread evenly among other staff.

3. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that ewas already handled by the strings. If such redundancies were eliminated, the concert could be cut 20 minutes.

4. The symphony has two movements. Mr. Schubert should have been able to achieve his musical goals in one.

Conclusion: If Mr. Schubert had paid attention to these matters, he would have had time to finish the symphony.

from Readers' Digest and seen in various places. Author unknown


Some Definitions You May Find Helpful


A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.


A place where women curl up and dye.


Someone who is fed up with people.


The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.


A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.


Mud with the juice squeezed out.


Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.


A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.


Cold Storage.


Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.


A female moth.


An insect that makes you like flies better.


Grape with a sunburn.


Something you tell to one person at a time.


A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.


The pain that drives you to extraction.


One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.


An honest opinion openly expressed.


Something other people have. You have character lines.

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Feel Like a Woman?

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Karen Isaak, Denver, Colorado**

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when a wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. I'm too young to die, she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable. I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman. Well, I've had it. Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN ?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built with long flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his broad tan chest as he reaches her. He extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."


Seminars for Males and Females - Some Suggested Topics

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Matt Turowski, somewhere between the East and West Coasts of the United States**

SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males)

1. Elementary Map Reading

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming your VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

5. Gaining 5 Pounds vs. The End of the World (a study in contrasts)

6. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

7. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

8. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed

9. Driving IV: Makeup & Driving: It's as Simple as Oil & Water

10: Football: Not a Game, A Sacrament

11: Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")

12. How to Earn Your Own Money

13. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")

14. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side

15. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nusances of Wearable Laundry

16. Yes, You Can Fill Up At a Self Serve Station

17. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels

18. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is NOT a Toy

19. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

20. Why Your Mother is Unwelcomed in the House

21. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard or Victimized Sensitive Man?


SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females)

1. Combating Stupidity

2. You too Can Do Housework

3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

4. How to Fill an Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give Us Money

6. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash My Silks")

7. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00 am

8. Parenting: No, It Dose't End With Conception

9. Get A Life: Learn to Cook

10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong

11. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

12. You: The Weaker Sex

13. Reasons to Give Flowers

14. How to Stay Awake In Public

15. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom

16. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb

17. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try

18. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down

19. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are NOT Synonyms

20. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses Are Bull

21. How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost

22. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

23. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex

24. Mothers-In-Laws: They are People Too

25. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home

26. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works

27. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is NOT NECESSARY

28. Techniques for Calling Home


40 Things a Man Should Know By 40

1. The difference between love and lust.

2. How to change a tire, a diaper, and a woman's mind.

3. When to hold on and when to let go.

4. Your capacity for intimacy and alcohol.

5. Basic carpentry, plumbing and automotive repair.

6. Advanced foreplay.

7. At least one woman other that their mother whose love for them is substantial and enduring.

8. Trouble when he sees it.

9. True love when he feels it.

10. A load of bull when he hears it.

11. The symptoms of PMS and how to deal with them.

12. His strengths and weaknesses.

13. How to fast-talk and slow-dance.

14. The art of seduction.

15. That his wife (lover, girlfriend) is not his mother.

16. A woman's ergeneous zones.

17. How to negotiate the inevitable compromises of a romantic relationship in ways that keep both sides as happy as possible.

18. What he wants out of life and how to go after it.

19. Which medical tests he needs and when to get them.

20. How to make money, dinner, conversation, and love.

21. His own needs and another person's ability to fulfill them.

22. How to start a fire-in the hearth and the heart.

23. A realistic plan to secure his retirement.

24. An idealistic plan to secure his grandchildren's future.

25. How to unhook a bra with one hand-in the dark.

26. Where to get breakfast/gas/a prescription filled at 2 am.

27. How to give a toast and take a compliment.

28. How to be gracious in victory and defeat.

29. When to talk and when to listen.

30. At least one true friend who will be there whenever he calls.

31. The fundamental workings of the female psyche.

32. The Ten Commandments.

33. The importance of trying to follow them.

34. His way around a kitchen.

35. The futility of unrequited love.

36. The ecstacy of unconditional love.

37. How to open a bottle of champagne.

38. How to close a deal.

40. The magic of a woman.


39. ? that must be her age.


Warmups for that Ultimate Darwin Award

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.


Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.


I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."


A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.


Airplane Humor

Here are some reportedly actual humorous statements by airline flights crews. Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples

that have been heard or reported. (It also may be why the FAA is encouraging airlines to do this via video presentations! Not a humorous bunch, we find.)

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"You seat cushions can function as a floatation device. In First Class, they also function as real seats."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.

Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!

"Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

"And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


Lost In The Park

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.

"Oy Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "Lost I wasn't.....I was just too tired to walk home."

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


Missionary Man and the Bike

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bob Laurie, Juneau, AK**

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."


Physics saves lives

As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.


Whose The Best

The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


Have you got the time?

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously

heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you

got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a

quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake

brightens a little.

"Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone

display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says

"The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few

more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake

continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display

is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says

Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very

high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The

flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.

"View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the

bugs", says the inventor.

"But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is

also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a

sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with

thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice

recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my

favorites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready -"

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not -"

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and

development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it

ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically

finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it

is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey,

wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around

warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle

through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list




1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway

2. Your were born somewhere else

3. You know how to eat an artichoke

4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic

5. Your car has bulletproof windows

6. Left is right and right is wrong

7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income

8. Your mouse has only one ball

9. If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up

10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by

11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it

12. You drive to your neighborhood block party

13. Your family tree contains "significant others"

14. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist

15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them

16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance

17. More than clothes come out of the closets

18. "The Dead" are best live

19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach

20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse

21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers

22. Smoking in your office is not optional

23. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach

24. When you can't meet schedule because you must "do lunch"

25. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks

26. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news

27. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman

28. You consult your horoscope before planning your day

29. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery

30. When all highways into the state say: "No fruits"

31. All highways out of the state say: "Go back"

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


Nusing Home

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisleway and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticedand put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.

"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

from "The Good, Clean Funnies List"



A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. If I lose this case, I'll be ruined. It's in the judge's hands now, said the lawyer.

Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars? Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge.

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked! I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them.

But I did send them. What?? You did? Yes. That's how we won the case. I don't understand, said the lawyer.

It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.

from "The Good, Clean Funnies List"


Extreme Measures

An instructor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an attractive, sexy-looking lady knocked on his door.

Yes?, he replied, how may I help you? The lady said

"I need to talk to you about my grade in your class."

"Come in and have a seat," said the instructor.

Is there anything I can do to get an "A" in your class?

"What do you mean by *anything*," he replied.

She said "Anything!"


She said, in her best sultry voice "I mean ANYTHING."

The instructor got up from behind his desk, sat down beside her and whispered in her ear, "Would you study?"

from "The Good, Clean Funnies List"


To be Sane, or not to be Sane

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.

Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your


You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Author unknown. Submitted by Leota M Duval. From "The Good, Clean Funnies List"


Honeymoon Interference

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making.

Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.

Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.

Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."

At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!"

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


The Value of Roof Preading, Marketing and Thinking

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body

ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning: keep out of children

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS - Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list




Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is I'm against it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


Wailing Wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.

So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man.

I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man replies, calmly: . . . "Like I'm talking to a wall."

from "The Good, Clean Funnies List"





1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized


12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has

withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.



A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles.

So they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow. It had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."



By Charles Wilkes, reportedly from an actual trial in the UK:

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins," then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling." I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick." Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

The case was dismissed.


About Horses, Square Wheels and Teamwork

A manager pulled his wagon into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Lester, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the wagon out of the ditch, much to the appreciation of the wagon puller and his team.

The driver of the wagon was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said there was a simple explanation, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Adapted from the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


Differences Between You And Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's being thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.

When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.

When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.

When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list



Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK:

(long, but good!)

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous

Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one

else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the

last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table

asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured

by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,

and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,

so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when

you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint

from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.

Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.


Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili


JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken


FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front

of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler

after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that

the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like

Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight

with her.


Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili


JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a

!?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing

Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I

could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now

my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends

call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."


Chili# 4: Bubba's Black Magic


JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I

wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her

snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.


Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover


JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I

belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me

brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it

from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges

asked me to stop screaming.


Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety


JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous

flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I

asked if she wants to go dancing later.


Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili


JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili

peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about

Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and

I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world

sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with

chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at

autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,

it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air

I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files

people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.


Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili


JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3

fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for

all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

FRANK: Momma??!!


Submitted by Sigrid Scheeff.

From "The Good, Clean Funnies List"



Out Late or In Early?

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his

breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is

a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the


"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list




You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.

You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

You put both contacts into the same eye.

Your mother approves of the person you're dating.

Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.

The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.

You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.

The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.

When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.

You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list




1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list



Suggested Breast Preparations for a Mammogram

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Kathy Lydon, Chicago, Illinois**

A Mammogram is an X-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word breast!

Mammograms require breasts to do special gymnastics unlike those performed during sex or other routine activities. If you have extremely agile breasts, you may do fine. Most breasts, however, pretty much just hang around doing nothing in particular (except looking sexy), so they're woefully unprepared.

If you think your breasts may be in less than top form, prepare for a mammogram using these simple exercises:

Exercise 1: Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) between the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily. More if possible.

Exercise 2: Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.

Exercise 3: (Advanced Breast Preparation) Situate yourself comfortably as you lay on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby (or other Breast Preparer Buddy) will slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side.

Exercises 1 & 2 should be done frequently during the entire life of your breasts. However, Exercise 3 should only be done 1 time per week for the 4 weeks prior to an actual Mammogram procedure.

Please note, these are only suggested preparations. As in childbirth, nothing can truly prepare you for the real experience!



While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A woman standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the woman sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."



There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

Submitted by A Merry Heart mailing list. (

from "The Good, Clean Funnies List"


Bad News, Good News & Really Great News

When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

from the "Just 4 Laughs!" list



A Run In With a Train

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

This steam engine rolls around the corner and hits the man -- but only a glancing blow -- and he is thrown to the side of the tracks, suffering some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."


Tales From The Office

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"



Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam asked, "What would a woman like this cost me??"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought for a moment, then said, "What can I get for a just a rib???"

The rest is history.

Submitted by Carol Calvert to The Good, Clean Funnies List


At The Convent

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.

The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak...

Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.

99 nuns: Oh, no! One nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.

99 nuns: Oh, no! One nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.

99 nuns: Oh, no! One nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And it has been used!

99 nuns: Oh, no! One nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!

One nun: Oh, No!

99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!...


Rabbi as a Substitute Priest

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Randy Jones, Rochester, MN**

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, 3 for $5.00.



Immediate Loan

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?



On Generation X

(From a Washington Post Report, in which readers were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days:)

Second Runner-Up:

In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)

First Runner-Up:

In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster:

In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)


Honorable Mentions:

In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)


Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


In my day, we didn't have days. There was only time for work, time for prayer and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)


In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet. (David Ronka, Charlottesville)


In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as GKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)


In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)


In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie)


In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did. (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)


Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)


In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy. (Bruce Evans, Washington)


In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)

Submitted by Ginger Houston-Ludlam.



The Top 16 Signs You Put Your Kid in the Wrong Pre-School

16. Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of "Lord of the Flies."

15. Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some waterpaints, and no pants.

14. "OK, kids! Gather 'round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!"

13. Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.

12. First school fund-raiser is for the Salman Rushdie fatwa reward prize.

11. No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret's School for the Gender Ambiguous directly into the NBA.

10. Practice of "trapping and killing your lunch" not mentioned in brochure.

9. Leather-clad teacher announces that the letters for today are S and M.

8. Two words: Full Montessori

7. The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle.

6. She can't say her ABC's, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat.

5. Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.

4. For snack time, it's always anchovies and Clamato.

3. "Do-Bee" always seems to have the munchies.

2. The teacher sends home a note reading, "Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps getting into my tequila."

and Top5's Number 1 Sign You Put Your Kid in the Wrong Pre-School...

1. On the first day, the children are divided into "pimps" and "hos."

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]

[ The Top Five List ]


A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys

By Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat

MikSCott6Xpnki now has a book out based on the article called The Geek Handbook. You can find it at

So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the scenester dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot grrrls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating

one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.

Where The Geek Dude Lurks

While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation.

Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes,

cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength.


You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how

the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic....

The Trek factor

If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping a geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine, your Voyager. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. For extra help in learning how to relate in their own language, check out the Klingon Language Institute.

Once You've Nabbed Him

Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was also clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek man:

Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks a chance.

Geek Cuisine

Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.

Geek Lifestyle

The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home with him. He seems permanently connected to his hard disk. You must at least appear interested in his work. Generally, a solid understanding of the computer is a must; if you cannot master this, you should at least be able to talk the talk. Remember most geeks are anal and they get stressed about details which appear insignificant. Be understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above) and empathize.

To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games. Let him play Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants to. Act concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs. My geek loves to try to help people on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst. He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank. Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your man.

Geek Buddies

Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights"). The greatest thing about your geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around females at first, so don't overwhelm them. In time they will come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things they are.

Post-It Note

I thank Victoria for the above advice. I must say that when she read my draft of the piece, before writing her section, she asked her husband which one he thought she was more like, Deanna or Beverly. Howard, the devil, immediately replied that he had always thought Victoria was actually most like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character with a slight authority problem who is always had trouble (this is fairly apt). This exchange is interesting for several reasons:

1. Howard had already thought about who she was most like.

2. He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease.

3. Victoria actually knew who he meant.

Folks, I think this marriage will last.

One Last Thing

Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven't noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don't ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet.

Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles. Don't you consider yourself one? Wouldn't you like a little intellectual stimulation or your own? We thought so.

Happy Hunting!

Copyright 1995 Bunnyhop. Reprinted without permission.




A trainer was working with engineers and wanted to make her presentation a bit more scientific. She was using the example of the circulation of the blood to make a point about organizational culture, leadership and paradox and to explain some predictable and natural reactions in certain situations.

After making a couple of points about connectivity and synergy, she said: "Now, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it. One obvious external reaction would be that my face would turn red."

The trainees all agreed. There were certain predictable aspects of how things worked. Then she wanted to use a paradox:

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position

the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

One of the engineers said, "All of us would agree that it's because your feet aren't empty."



**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, MN**

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed

something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her: "My Love",

"Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these

years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."

The host said, "Well, honestly, ....I've forgotten her name."



1. You can name everyone you graduated with

2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home

3. You know what 4-H is

4. You ever went to "headlight parties"

5. You used to drag "main"

6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour

7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't

8. You ever went cow-tipping

9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties

10. You have parties at the same guy's house

12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events

13. The town social events are their children's

14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)

15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them

16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut

17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade

18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming

19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself

20. No place sells gas on Sunday

21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)

22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks

23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town

24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date

25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog

26. You had senior skip day

27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation

28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street

30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field)

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


Six Phases of a Project




Search for the Guilty

Punishment of the Innocent

Praise and Honor for the Non-Participants

note: This is NOT a joke! ;-)


Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant

10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.

9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".

8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?

7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.

6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.

5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.

4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.

3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.

2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.

1. Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


Proper Job Placement by Kathy Lydon, Chicago, Illinois**

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement:

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

* If they have taken the table apart, assign them in Engineering.

* If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, put them in Finance.

* If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing (quickly!).

* If they conversing with the chairs, Personnel seems a good spot.

* If they are sleeping, they may be Management material.

* If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

* If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

* If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

* And if they've left early, put them in Sales.




You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.

The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 pm instead of 7 am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Thanx to Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List.


More Thoughts On Marriage!

-Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

-Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore,marriage is an institution for the blind.

-Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

-Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

-Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

-Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

-Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :

* The Engagement Ring

* The Wedding Ring

* The Suffe-Ring

* The Endu-Ring

-Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. *

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. * In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.

-It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

-Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

-It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!

-There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

-A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

-Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know

his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

-There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

-Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

-They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

-When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

-There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.


Ole, Lena and Sven Lost in the Woods

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes,

Minnesota, with the following note: "This is an oldie but funny. All you

North and South Dakota people will also relate to these. Mom, don't lose your

teeth reading them."**

Ole, Lena and Sven were lost in the woods of Northern Minnesota and were

becoming desperate having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the

snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down

into the snow to look for nuts, he found an oil lamp and upon rubbing it to

get the snow off, a genie came out. The genie says, "I am da great genie of

Nordern Minnesooota and I can grant each of you vun vish."

Ole says, "I vish I vas back on da farm." Poof, Ole was gone.

Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole." Poof, Lena was gone.

Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "Sven, vat is

your vish?" and Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena were

here with me."



Reasons Why Cyber Sex is So Popular

10. It's easy to turn a computer on--just flip the switch.

9. Virtual dancing baby easier to care for than real one.

8. Less threat of Kenneth Starr investigation.

7. No trips to the doctor if you catch a computer virus.

6. The low cost of commitment: only $19.95 in ISP charges.

5. Monitor size doesn't matter.

4. Easier to hide a laptop if someone walks in.

3. You never spend a penny on deodorant, perfume, or Mentos.

2. Everybody assumes "" is just an alias.

1. No need to say, "I have a headache"--just claim you couldn't dial into your AOL account.


Fairy Tales

The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonite . . . "

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list




A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."


If You See Me Running...

The other day, we had a bomb scare here in Rio Rancho, NM, at the Giant gas station. Of course, the bomb squad had to be called out to investigate, which in turn brought the news crews. In the local paper the next day, there was a picture of a bomb squad member, wearing a shirt that read:

"I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up!"

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list



Kids say the darndest things...

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers.

Here are a few examples:

- The future of "I give" is "I take."

- The parts of speech are lungs and air.

- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the

top and plural at the bottom.

- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

From "The Good, Clean Funnies List"



Some Mergers and company combinations

A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.

There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape:

Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.

Others in the works:

3M & Goodyear = mmmGood

John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi

Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home

Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine

3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera

Grey Poupon + Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants

Knott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOW

Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple

Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese

Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da

Thanx to: Mikey's Funnies - From "The Good, Clean Funnies List"



There once was a PR Account Guy who lived his whole life without ever

taking advantage of any of the people he dealt with. In fact, he made sure

that every story he pitched was a win-win situation.

One day while walking down the street he was tragically hit by a bus and

he died. His soul arrived up in heaven where he was met at the Pearly

Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though

it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once

had anyone in Public Relations make it this far and we're not really sure

what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the Account Guy. "Well, I'd like to,"

Peter said, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you

have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever

one you want to spend an eternity."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I'd prefer to stay in Heaven."

"Sorry, but rules are rules..." And with that St. Peter put the Account

Guy in an elevator and it went straight down to hell. The doors opened and

the account guy found himself stepping out onto the putting green of a

beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in

front of him were all his old friends -- fellow PR Guys that he had worked

with over the years. They were all dressed in tuxedos, beautiful women on

their arms, and they were all cheering for him. They ran up and slapped him

on his back and they talked about old times. They played an excellent

round of golf and at night went to the country club where he enjoyed an

excellent steak and lobster dinner. The Devil, who was actually a really

nice guy, came over and offered him a Cuban cigar. Then he and all his pals

loaded into a limo and went to the most amazing Adult Bar he had ever been


The Account Guy was having such a good time that before he knew it, it

was time to leave. Everybody shook his hand and waved goodbye as he got on

the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened

back up at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter waiting for him. "Now it's time

to spend a day in heaven."

So the Account Guy spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and

playing the harp and singing. He had a great time and before he knew it

his 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got him.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you

must choose you're eternity."

The Account Guy paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never

thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I

think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and again the Account Guy went

down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened he found himself standing in a

desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. He saw his friends were

dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to him and put his arm around him.

"I don't understand," stammered the Account Guy, "Yesterday I was here

and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we

danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and

all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at him and smiled. "That's because yesterday you were a

prospect. But today, you're a client."



What's The Other Side Like?

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of

the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?"

"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


How to drive WOMEN crazy!!!

1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.

2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.

3. Superglue the toilet seat in the up position.

4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.

5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.

6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.

7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.

8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.

9. Never give her a straight answer.

10. Take up yodelling and practice a lot.

11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)

12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.

13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.

14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)

from "The Good, Clean Funnies List"



Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, MN**

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"



Raisin bread and mini skirts

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please." The man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down those stairs.

After a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng.

"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells at him testily.

"No," croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch."




When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."





AUSTIN, TX--The University of Texas released a report Monday stating that, for some inexplicable reason, gasoline, a steadily depleting, non-renewable fossil fuel buried far beneath the earth's surface, is still far less expensive than the milk of a cow. Milk, a plentiful substance which is not made of dinosaur remains and requires no multi-million-dollar machinery to draw it from deep within the earth's core, costs approximately $2.45 a gallon, compared to $1.30 for a gallon of gas. "This is puzzling," University of Texas agriculture-school Professor Herbert Roth said. "It's almost as if someone is trying to get people to buy more gas."


TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz" in the Marin Paper

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."


The Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeep.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"



A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."



A man named Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard replies, "We'll just see about that..."

The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure sand. Finally, the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens -- Juan approaches the border on his bicycle with two bags of sand. The guard asks him, "What have you got?"

Juan replies, "Sand."

Again the guard does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border.

This sequence is repeated every day for several months until finally the guard is sitting in a Cantina in Mexico and Juan walks in.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard to Juan, "I know you're smuggling something...

It's been driving me crazy. It's all I think about! I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."




WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talent-less Americans. The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees. Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and, "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"

"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."

With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation."


Friends Dont Let Friends Drive Yugos

Yu*go (yoo-go)

n. 1) Small, economical, Yugoslavian-built automobile.

2) 4x4 hood ornament.

adj. 1) What doesn't happen when you press the accelerator.


Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo?

A. Fill the tank with gas! (If it can still hold liquid.)

A. If not, put a gallon of milk in the back seat.

A. This joke has been censored because it offends Yugoslavians, other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes against the Communist belief system that material goods are provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have no stated monetary or status value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-now group will also be upset because this joke encourages automobile use.

What do Yugos have in common with Ferarris?

- A Ferarri can go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds.

- A Yugo can go from 0 to 4 in 60 seconds.

Actually, a Yugo CAN accelerate as fast as a Ferarri, if you give it a fast enough running start, so it clears the cliff's edge...


Q. How do you fix a broken Yugo?

A. 1) Lift off the radiator cap.

2) Push off cliff.

3) and drive brand new one underneath radiator cap.(30-mile/3-day warranty included!)


A man entered an auto parts store...

Man: "I need a windshield wiper blade for a Yugo."

Clerk: "Well, only if you throw $20 into the trade."


I once bought a Yugo with a tow package. ...with the tow in the front.


Q. Why does a Yugo have a rear window defroster?

A. To keep your hands warm as you push it.


"The Oakland Police captured two men in their Yugo last night...

The men are being held as suspects in the city's first push-by shooting."


Q. What comes with every Yugo User's Manual?

A. The bus schedule.


From the Yugo owner's manual: "If you sense an impending accident with any other animate or inanimate object larger than a breadbox, quickly 1) place head between legs, 2) lock hands behind head, 3) Repeat: "Our Father, who art in heaven..."

Yugos are now much safer and come standard with an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start blowing *real fast.*

Consumer safety tests showed that a 5 mph parking-lot crash will cause about $2800 damage to a Yugo. What's left? About $1200 of "dealer prep."


Q. What do you call a Yugo at the top of a big hill?

A. A miracle!


Q. What's the most wasteful way to spend money?

A. Buy a car alarm for a Yugo.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


No Money For Food

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two metres tall!"

From "Just 4 Laughs!" list


Our Crazy English Language

Did you know that "verb" is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?

Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?




When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$





**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lindsey J. Suddarth, Mendon, VT**

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Kerry.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally "disappear".

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.



Men and Fine Wine

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lee Bright, Long Beach, CA**

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's the women's

job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into

something you'd like to have dinner with.



A Meeting With The Pope

A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally, his wish was granted. When the gentleman approached the Pope he said, "Your Eminence, I am so happy to be given this chance to speak with you and I would like to tell you a joke before I start."

The Pope replied, "Of course my son. Go ahead and tell your joke."

The gentleman continued, "There were these two Pollacks and..."

The Pope interrupted, "My son, do you realize that I am Polish?"

"I'm sorry, your Eminence, I'll speak slower."




When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, it is OK to go into the woods alone.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.




A man didn't much like people who talk too much, most often women. One night, he proudly told his wife he'd heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400.

The wife pondered that a moment, then concluded, "That's because

women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands."

He looked up from the paper and asked, "Come again?"



We've all had bosses who were fond of those inspirational posters that are supposed to make us work harder and not complain about pay. Here are some sayings we'd all really like to see printed on those posters.

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a better job ... maybe, someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

If you think we're a bad company, you should see our competition.

Rome didn't create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those that opposed them.

We put the "k" in "kwality".

Two days without a human rights violation.

Your job is still better than asking, "You want fries with that?"

We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Pride. Commitment. Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.

Thanx to The New Daily Banner. From the Good Clean Funnies List





Should Be Murphy's Laws

"The Law of Volunteering"

If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"

When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"The Law of Motivation"

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

"Boob's Law"

You always find something in the last place you look.

"Weiler's Law"

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"

People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"

In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.

That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"

Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"

There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkedness"

You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"

The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"

Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,

then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed


From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list




Thoughts On Marriage And Wives

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here."

"Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."

"So you're single?"


I've been married for 49 years.

Where have I failed?


I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.

If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!


My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food...

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.


Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.

The thief spends less than my wife did.


I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"

I told her, "How about the kitchen?"


We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


My wife will buy anything marked down.

Last year she bought an escalator.


All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.


She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.


My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.


My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.


My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street.

The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"

My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"


My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor.

I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.


My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.


My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!


She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.


She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"

Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"


I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.


Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.


I came home, the car was in the dining room.

"How did you get the car in here?"

"Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


Golf Is Blind

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.

"It's only fair to warn you Jody," he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I," Jody said. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," he said. Then brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list



What Really Happened...

(Hey. Who knows if any of this stuff is true? But it is pretty funny if it it!)

"I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid for." - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn't win a game.


"I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.


"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.


"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.


"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.


"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.


"You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.


"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.


"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.


"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.


"There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.


"The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.


"The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.


"All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.


"Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.


"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.


"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899.


"And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


Thoughts for the Day

Clones are people two.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!

A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Editing is a rewording activity.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

My reality check just bounced.

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!

My other wife is beautiful.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list



Only in America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list



Facts about Americans. Did you know that...

(Remember when you are reading this 90% of people say that they sometimes lie.)


* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.

* 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.

* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.



* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.

* 17% have been caught by the host.

* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.

* 29% of us ignore RSVP.

* 35% give to charity at least once a month.

* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.



* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.

* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

* Snickers is the most popular candy.

* 22% of us skip lunch daily.

* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.

* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.

* 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.



* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

* Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.

* 33% of women lie about their weight.

* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.

* The average girl starts her period at age 12.

* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.

* 45.2% pee in the shower.

* 44.9% pee in the ocean.

* 28.1% pee in the pool.

* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.



* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.

* 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

* 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.

* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.



13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.



* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.

* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

* 59% of us say we're average-looking.

* Less than 10% are trilingual.

* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

* 44% reuse tinfoil.

* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

* 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.



* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.

* Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.

* The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.

* Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4".

* 56% of men have had sex at work.

* 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.

* Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.

* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

* 6% propose over the phone.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list





Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list




Something To Think About

1. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. I doubt, therefore I might be.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

8. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

12. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

13. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list





Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.

A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.

What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n

You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.

Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n

Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.

An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.

A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.

The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v

To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.

What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.

Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n

Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.

You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n

On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth.

On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.

Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."

After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.

The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.

Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n

A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds,

and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


Military Etiquette

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!



One Liners

*Incontinence Hotline...Hold, please.."

*Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...

*If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.

*43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

*Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

*A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.

*It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.

*Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

* |||||||\\\\\\\\\ __ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

*Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

*Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!

*Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.

*Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

*The buck doesn't even slow down here!

*Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

*If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

*Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

*The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

*Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

*Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

*Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

*Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.

*Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

*Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.

*We do precision guesswork.

*My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.

*'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.

*A penny saved is a government oversight.

*Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.

*Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list




Genesis 1

In the beginning God created Dates. And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 B.C.. And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there was Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.

And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day.

And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided from the earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the earth; but not too deep. And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that. And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.

And God said, "Let there be water;" and let the dry land appear; and that was that. And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called he the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter; and all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant. And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from the dry land, called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese nodules, for instance. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he called Wednesday.

And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now; and let each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like. And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to brontosauruses. But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and multiply and Evolve Not.

And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and God was pleased. And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And he took every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to become fossils; and cast he them about likewise. And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt God created carbon dating. And this is the origin of species. And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that he had put in another good day's work.

And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys, which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and hairy. And God added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of the air and every species, endangered or otherwise. So God created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of hue created He him, and nothing at all like the monkey.

And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth you ideas. And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But they shall be for you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth that the flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall Surf be wedded unto Turf.

And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good; and God said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken billions of years. And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet, God said, Thank me it's Friday. And God made the weekend.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list




The Top 14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out

14. You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.

13. You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.

12. Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."

11. After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a +5 Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.

10. "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

9. Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

8. Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.

7. You discover that she has been cutting & pasting her orgasms.

6. You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.

5. He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.

4. Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast! has become cold and distant.

3. She's suddenly changed her address to

2. Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious ""

and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out...

1. In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List ]

[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]



Shopping at Wal-Mart

(BTW, read about a whole new thing called (company) where the site owner allows people to post their stories about companies. Got a story to tell about a major retailer? Try to find the corresponding site adding "sucks" to the webname. Read this in Time Digital).

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She

doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and

goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate"

standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me

sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the

counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it

from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but

dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6'

graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test

line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by

the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what

I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the

meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but

then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was

her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only

person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will

be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck

call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list




Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. (And it only happens when you only have $.23 cents in your wallet)

GOOD Job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation

from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

SnailMail. "REAL" amil that the post office actucally sends PS. In the US, Personal snail mail has dropped 10% last because of email

Starter: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce

Marriage with no kids, no property and no regrets.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. ARE YOU ONE?

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list



Being A CEO

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list



Why So Lonely?

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."

"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."

"You're kidding! What for?"

"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."

"What happened to your second wife?"

"I shot her."

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

"We had a fight and she fell off a building."

"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list



Having Fun, While Taking A Driving Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"

3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.

4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.

5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.

6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "Oops."

7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"

8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

9. Fill your car with beer bottles.

10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

11. Tell the registar that you are taking the remedial test.

12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

13. Swear at everybody on the road.

14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

15. Beep your horn at everything.

16. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

(Warning: If you wish to pass the test, refrain from doing more than two of these, and be sure to grin widely at the end.)

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list



A Guy's Guide to Food and Spoilage - Testing Ideas

(Finally, we have a practical way to know what to pitch and what to save!)


Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).


When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.


Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.


If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.


Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.


This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.


If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.


Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. This may be good or bad depending on one's personal expertise with organic chemistry and ergot


Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.


It never spoils.


It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.


Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.


Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.


A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.


Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.


Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.


If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.


Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.


You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.


Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


Pulled Over By A Cop

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.

That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say?

He said the reflector is broken.

I can fix that in two minutes. What else?

I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list




Confucious may have said...

"Man who run in front of car get tired"

"Man who run behind car get exhausted"

"To prevent hangover stay drunk!"

"Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing fly."

"Man with one chopstick go hungry."

"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."

"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."

"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."

"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"

"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"

"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."

"People who make Confucious joke speak bad English."




50. Act naturally

49. Found missing

48. Resident alien

47. Advanced BASIC

46. Genuine imitation

45. Airline Food

44. Good grief

43. Same difference

42. Almost exactly

41. Government organization

40. Sanitary landfill

39. Alone together

38. Legally drunk

37. Silent scream

36. British fashion

35. Living dead

34. Small crowd

33. Business ethics

32. Soft rock

31. Butt Head

30. Military Intelligence

29. Software documentation

28. New York culture

27. New classic

26. Sweet sorrow

25. Childproof

24. "Now, then ..."

23. Synthetic natural gas

22. Ethiopian Quisine

21. Passive aggression

20. Taped live

19. Clearly misunderstood

18. Peace force

17. Extinct Life

16. Temporary tax increase

15. Computer jock

14. Plastic glasses

13. Terribly pleased

12. Computer security

11. Political science

10. Tight slacks

9. Definite maybe

8. Pretty ugly

7. Twelve-ounce pound cake

6. Diet ice cream

5. Rap music

4. Working vacation

3. Exact estimate

2. Religious tolerance

1. Microsoft Works

From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list


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