Some Lawyer Jokes
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
A lawyer epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Two lawyers walked into the office on Monday morning and were talking about their weekends. "I got a dog for my kids this weekend," said one. The other replied - "Good trade."
The Doctor and the Lawyer
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Mike Wheeler, Albuquerque, New Mexico**
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.
World's Shortest Books
"My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson
"To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
"The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
Human Rights Advances in China
"Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
America's Most Popular Lawyers
YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM CALIFORNIA WHEN:
1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway
2. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance
*If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
On the subject of lawyers...
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
What does a lawyer do after sex?
Pays the bill.
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
What's the difference between a dead skunk laying in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer laying in the middle of the road?
There's skid marks in front of the skunk.
What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
The hooker quits when you're dead.
An *Honest* Lawyer
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Rancher & Lawyer
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher,
"You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
IS THERE A LAWYER IN THE HOUSE?
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon.
The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it.
"Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered thus "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant wrote a check immediately!
English as the EU Language
On the suggestion of a number of international law firms, The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather that German, which was the other possibility so that contracts would be more understandable. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro English (Euro for short)
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the second year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and L"w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unecesary "o" kan be droped from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations for leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jimmy Rubin, Tempe, AZ**
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. "I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund the Columbus expedition.
"Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you find His original claim to be satisfactory.
"Now, may we have our damn loan?"
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Tom Berglind, Fargo, North Dakota**
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So..how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What???? You've got an engineer?? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way.? I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right, and just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
Q: Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?
A: Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.
Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?
A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the group most directly affected.
Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities of money?
A: Of course.
Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?
A: By selling more tobacco products.
Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?
A: That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics of the whole thing. The government would probably have to set up an emergency task force to figure out ways to get people smoking again in order to finance the historic tobacco settlement.
Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?
A: Because people would smoke them anyway.
Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?
A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely selling a deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of something far far worse.
Q: Failure to make large political donations??
Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic movies in which glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling and exhaling vast clouds of smoke and looking totally cool. What will be done to correct this under the historic tobacco settlement?
A: By mid 1999, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by special Food and Drug Administration computers so that - to cite one example - in Casablanca, when Humphrey Bogart makes his dramatic final speech to Ingrid Bergman, he will have the voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?
A: The late Lucille Ball's.
Q: What will happen to all the tobacco institute scientists, who, despite decades of dedicated research, were never able to find a single shred of evidence proving that cigarettes cause cancer?
A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to the Whitewater investigation.
Q: Speaking of administration scandals, if President Clinton actually winds up in court over this Paula Jones thing, what steps will be taken to prevent the trial from turning into a grotesque and demeaning pubic spectacle?
A: Mr. Clinton's face will be covered at all times by an electronically superimposed dark blob, underneath which will be an electronic label identifying him only as "A United States President."
Q: How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens whose spaceship crashed near Roswell, N.M. in 1947?
A: Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers.
Q: I guess that covers it! Thanks! Smoke?
A: No, thank you. I have my own.
from Just 4 Laughs!
About Perspective and Local Knowledge
Uncle Rufus, the local lawyer, finally died. But he was so used to having his way, he argued with God about being able to take anything with him into the after life. The conversation went on for quite some time and God finally relented and allowed him to take just one bag with him to Heaven.
When he arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter spotted and stopped him.
" Say there. What do you have in that bag ?"
"Personal belongings," he answered, hugging the bag in his arms.
"Sorry, you're not allowed to bring anything into heaven." At the same time, he points to this big pile of goods next to the Pearly Gates. "You can just dump that bag right over there."
" But this was discussed with God and God told me that I could bring this with me."
Suspecting this might be true, he checks with God and, sure enough, finds that the man is telling the truth.
But knowing God to make some rather strange decisions now and then, he is also curious about what the bag contains.
"Okay, but I'll need to check and see what is in the bag," he said
Uncle Rufus, didn't like it none, but he grudgingly handed the bag over.
St. Peter, looked inside and saw a few gold bars.
St. Peter says as he lets Uncle Rufus inside, "Pavement? Pavement!, Why didn't God tell me he was expecting a delivery for the Street Dept." ?
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.
When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Divorce After 54 Years
Morris calls his son in NY and says," Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the hoildays?"
From the "Just 4 Laughs!" list
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. If I lose this case, I'll be ruined. It's in the judge's hands now, said the lawyer.
Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars? Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge.
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked! I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them.
But I did send them. What?? You did? Yes. That's how we won the case. I don't understand, said the lawyer.
It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.
from "The Good, Clean Funnies List"
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