I saw this bumper sticker and I simply love it:
"I like feminists; I think they're cute."
Things You'll Never Hear a Woman Say
*You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
*The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
*While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal, they'll still cover the spread.
*I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends. Tell me more.
*I like using this lawn mower so much more than the old one. What a wonderful Valentine's present.
*Let's just leave the toilet seat up all the time; then you won't have to mess with it.
*I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly!
*If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.
*That was fun! When will all your friends come over to watch X-rated movies again?
If Men Ran the World
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Dave Kettner, Tempe, Arizona**
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."
9. Instead of "beer belly," you'd get "beer biceps."
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words ... "Ally McNaked."
2. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop : "Nice one, That's $10.00 off."
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you're turned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"
20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
24. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
It seems in this day and time you can't go into an area dominated by a woman without detecting the 'aroma' (odorous terribilis) of some kind of bizarre scented candle. Everything from 'Boisonberry Vanilla Potpourri' to 'Spice Orange Jasmine Chocolate'. Sometimes it gives me a headache!
Well, it's about time men had their own scented candles. Below you will find a few scents men would appreciate.
ATTENTION WOMEN: I know a few of you will understand these. Most of you won't.
SCENTED CANDLES FOR MEN
'62 Chevy truck - Interior and Exhaust
Wet Dog (only if it's your own dog)
Frying Bacon (actually, a lot of different fried foods)
Freshly Caught Bass
Fresh Cow Pie (especially if it's your own cows)
Ozone (arc welder, of course)
Freshly Moved Dirt
Diesel Engine Exhaust
3 Year Old Cap
Quail Guts (shoot, ANY guts!)
Ammonia Fertilizer (light, of course)
Burning Grass or Leaves (not that 'pot' crap, either!)
Napalm (I've never smelled it but my brother has)
from Just 4 Laughs!
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Received from brandie.
Women's & Men's English What It Really Means
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.
I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.
from Just 4 Laughs!
Men are Like...
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, MN**
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike Helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Parking Spots.
The good ones are taken and the rest are too small.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....High Heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Curling Irons.
They're always hot and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Mini Skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Debbie Hoellen, Denver, Colorado, via Karen Isaak, Denver, Colorado**
Now, at long last some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn red! With held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken, Jr., in a fourth-floor walkup. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
11. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
12. Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self."
Continuing Education Courses For Women
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until... After the Game
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, Not the First
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
15. Introduction to Parking
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
25. Sex - It's For Married Couples Too
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
29. Ballet: For Women Only
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
31. Learning to Go in Public Rest rooms
32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges
33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only
35. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion
Just 4 Laughs!
Continuing Education Courses For Men
1. Meaningful Communication: Where No Man Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Baking: You Do It
3. Combatting the Couch Potato Syndrome: Surprise, The NFL (NBA, etc)
Does NOT Require Your Nightly Patronage to Remain On-air!
4. Parties: How to Go Home with Whoever You Came With
5. Woman Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Be Done By You Too!
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Putting Down the Seat
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: Toothpaste, On the Brush, Not in the Sink
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: How to Speak Intelligibly
10. Communication Skills II: Keeping Your "Word"
11. Communication Skills III: Getting/Keeping The Girl You Want Requires the Removal of These Words from Your Speech Pattern...
12. Driving a Car Safely: You Can >DO< it!
13. Party Etiquette: Avoiding Alcohol After You Can't Stand Upright
14. Telephone Skills: How to Use One, and NOT Two Weeks After Receiving Her #
15. Introduction to Parking
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
17. Overcoming Stupid Behavior: Don't Treat Her Different When Your Friends Are Around
18. Liquid Grain Storage: On Your Stomach, It is Fat
19. Cooking I: How to Eat IN
20. Cooking II: How to NOT Have Heart Attack By Age 21
21. Cooking III: How to Inflict a Diet on YOURSELF
22. Compliments: How to Give Them
23. PMS: You Try It
24. Dancing: Why Men Ought To
25. Sex - How to Slow Down
26. Classic Clothing: How To Match
27. Cleaning: She Is Not Your Momma
28. Laundry: How to Do It
29. Intense Discussion About the Functions of Your Car: For Men Only
30. Oil and Gas: Your Hair, Your Intestines. Problems NOT for Public Demonstration
31. Learning to Ask Directions
32. Appreciating Soaps, Colognes, etc...
33. "How Was I?" - Why Women Lie
34. TV Remotes: Not Your Personal Property
35. Sexy Lingerie: The Difference Between SEXY and Risque
from Just 4 Laughs!
by Jim Rosenberg, October 5, 1994
I'm so glad I'm not dating. If I ever dated you, I know you're glad, too. My dating style was to sweat a lot, apologize for my car being dirty, and continually push my glasses up my nose in a compulsive manner. This became a vicious cycle as the perspiration rushing from my head sent my glasses sailing into the mashed potatoes with a squishy thud. If I hadn't met my wife in a work context, I'm sure I would still be at home on the weekends working on my needlepoint. I say this to let single people know how much I empathize with their agony.
Every unmarried person in the universe agrees on one thing: hanging out in bars is the worst way to meet a potential mate. This leaves me wondering why The Village Tavern looks like a shark tank every night after work. After a certain point, I suppose, romance isn't so much tenderness as willingness. The "I hate the bar scene" truism has launched a million entrepreneurial substitutes for dating.
These "Personal Introduction Services" claim to bring greater intimacy to the mating ritual. All of them, however, are fundamentally flawed. They are better at selecting a date than a mate. As a service to my readers, many of whom are single, I have established my own Dating Service designed specifically to help women find a suitable partner. We do more than collect a group of eligible men -- we do the legwork that's necessary to determine if the men are marriage material.
The 3:00 a.m. Feeding Book. In your mind, you hold a mental picture of your partner: bare-chested, clad only in rugged jeans, still wet from a shower, smiling broadly. Try this one on: bad breath, bed hair, black socks, eye gunk, spit-up, nodding in and out of consciousness. The latter is how your mate is going to look when he's getting up to feed the baby in the middle of the night. You better find a way to see it and still become sexually excited by that person at a later date. That's why we send our operatives to roust men out of bed in the middle of the night and take candid shots.
The Fluosphere. No matter how nineties you think your boyfriend is, something very fifties happens to a married man who gets sick. That something is quite simple: he wants you to be his mommy. It's a shock the first time your big strong husband starts sniveling for some pudding and a fluffier pillow. That's why we developed The Fluosphere. Every virus known to man is circulated throughout the sealed environment of The Fluosphere. We lock the man up for one week. As the flu overtakes him, you can observe his behavior and decide for yourself whether it is bearable. It's also a good opportunity to think about whether you want to have children other than your husband.
The LaToya Jackson Test. "Are there any skeletons in my man's closet?" we are often asked. Well, our private investigators aren't always able to dig up every piece of dirt. That's why we developed a foolproof test: we inform LaToya Jackson that a substantial monetary reward is being offered to anyone providing information on Mr. X. If she is unable to come up with something: marry this man.
Questionnaire Lie Detector. As with traditional dating services, the subject is asked to fill out a lengthy questionnaire describing himself and his personal preferences. All lies, of course. Several months later we hire a confederate to ask the man roughly the same questions in a bar. We compare the answers to determine which men are the biggest liars and along what lines. (Test Answer: "I am a professional with an income between $50,000 and $75,000; Bar Answer: "I just bought the 'No Money Down' tapes and plan to buy a house with my Discover Card"). It's a given that your eventual mate will be a big liar with unspeakably horrible problems and unimaginable fetishes. This will just give you some advance warning what they are.
The Hidden Kitchen Table Microphone. Our elite team of former CIA agents plants a microphone under the kitchen table of the subject. For one month, recordings are made at each meal. The resulting tapes catch every vulgar grunt, moan, and sigh that is an integral part of male feeding process. Ask yourself: do you really want to hook up with the sort of knuckle-scraping brute who could make such a horrendous din as part of his eating ritual? Does his cute haircut really outweigh that awful clamor of slurping and meat-ripping?
Momcam. We place a tiny camera in a brooch on the blouse of the subject's mother and tape all interactions. Watch carefully, girls. Forget about the flowers and all the other scams currently in operation. If he's decent to his Mom, you're probably okay. If the camera catches him saying things like "Cindy's okay, but no one could ever take the place of my Mummsy" you've got trouble with a capital T.
Nickname Genealogy. Our researchers prepare a complete history of every nickname ever used to describe the man. The results are displayed on a timeline with each person's name. This is an excellent way to determine the true suitability of a mate. Bad: "Stinky," "Lumpy," "Booger." Worse: "Casanova," "Octopus," "Herpe." Worst: "Slick Willie."
Carbon Underwear Dating. Our staff geologists perform precise carbon dating of underwear samples taken at end of long week. If results show underwear is pre-Jurassic, go on the next cute guy.
The more I researched this topic, the more I became certain of one thing: singles bars are a great way to choose a mate. You see people at their absolute worst -- motivated by greed, driven by selfishness, indulgent of their own coarse physical needs, and unable to overcome the weaknesses that control them. Romantic? No way. Good data? You bet.
From Jim's web page at http://www.thewire.org/jim/dating.htm
Words of Wisdom
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals"
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
If at first your don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Just 4 Laughs!
1915 Rules For Female Teachers
A friend in the LA School Distric has forwarded me this set of rules of conduct for female teachers in 1915 (school district unknown). My how times have changed.
1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.
2. You are not to keep company with men.
3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.
4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.
6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
7. You may not smoke cigarettes.
8. You may not dress in bright colors.
9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
10. You must wear at least two petticoats.
11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.
12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must: sweep the floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.
Just 4 Laughs!
* I once got the stuffing beat out of me fighting for a girl's honor. She wanted to keep it.
- - - - -
* Do any of you like me remember the good old days when the only problem you ever had parking a car was getting the girl to agree to it ?
- - - - -
* The married boss said to his secretary, "Will you ever forget this weekend in Hilton Head ?" "Possibly." she replied, "What am I offered ?"
- - - - -
* The young man was trying hard to score with his latest flame. He asked her to have breakfast with him some morning, and she agreed. "Shall I phone you, or nudge you ?" he asked.
- - - - -
* The young lady said to her beau, "What did my father say when you asked for my hand in marriage ?" "Not a lot, really." replied the man. "He threw his arms around me, began sobbing, and kept repeating, 'Oh, thank you. Thank you'."
- - - - -
* Like a lot of married men, I got the "You just don't appreciate me" speech once from the Mrs. I promised to treat her royally for the remainder of the day. I took her to lunch at Burger King and Dairy Queen for dessert. She's never mentioned it since.
- - - - -
* Our home was in a standard suburban development. When my daughter became a teen, she had a boy so smitten with her that he'd walk his dog past the house a dozen or more times a day. Damn thing killed 2 trees and 3 shrubs before she finally went out with him.
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