Sarcastic remarks to get you through the day:


1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

2. Do I look like a damn people person?

3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

8. You!... Off my planet!

9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

14. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

16. Allow me to introduce my selves.

17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

23. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

27. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF__ you!

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

38. I plead contemporary insanity.

39. And which dwarf are you?

40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

41. Meandering to a different drummer.

42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I don't know if it is supposed to be a joke or not, but the Pig Latin Bible appears on the Internet. Here's how it starts:

1:1 In-ay e-thay eginning-bay Od-gay eated-cray e-thay eaven-hay

and-ay e-thay earth-ay.

1:2 And-ay e-thay earth-ay as-way ithout-way orm-fay, and-ay

oid-vay; and-ay arkness-day as-way upon-ay e-thay ace-fay of-ay

e-thay eep-day. And-ay e-thay Irit-spay of-ay Od-gay oved-may

upon-ay e-thay ace-fay of-ay e-thay aters-way.

1:3 And-ay Od-gay aid-say, Et-lay ere-thay e-bay ight-lay: and-ay

ere-thay as-way ight-lay.

1:4 And-ay Od-gay aw-say e-thay ight-lay, at-thay it-ay as-way

ood-gay: and-ay Od-gay ivided-day e-thay ight-lay om-fray e-thay


What some people do with their time! If you're interested in more of this, check out

How'd You Break Your Arm?

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.


If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.

Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.

Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the damdest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

"So how'd you break your arm?"....



**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Debbie Hoellen, Denver, Colorado, via Karen Isaak, Denver, Colorado**

Something to think about:

We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less common sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice; we write more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes; but lower morals; more food but less appeasement; more acquaintances, but fewer friends; more effort but less success.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the time of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure and less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one- night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window, and nothing in the stockroom. Indeed it's all true. Think about it again.



A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"


A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with histransgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?," asked the priest. "I stole some lumber Father,"replied the penitent.

"How much lumber did you steal?," asked the priest.

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The penitent interrupted him,

"Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." The priest then responded, "Now that's a little more serious!"

The penitent again interrupted the priest, "Father, I've got to get it off my chest. I built a doghouse, a 4-car garage, and a 5-bedroom 4-bath home!" With a look of shock, the priest then responded,

"Well, that is most serious. I'm afraid that you'll have to make a novena."

The penitent looked perplexed and then said, "Father, I don't know what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber."

Received from George Maronge, Jr. from The Good, Clean Funnies List



Here's a list of office slang definitions that was submitted to TeamNet discussion group by Edward Hampton on January 29: In the interest of keeping all up on the cutting edge of office slang, I offer the following.

1. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

3. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops all over everything and then leaves.

4. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

5. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

6. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

7. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

9. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

10. Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

11. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

12. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

13. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

14. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

15. Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

16. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's work place.

17. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

18. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

19. Chips and Salsa: Chips equals 3D hardware and salsa equals 3D software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

20. Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

21. GOOD Job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

22. Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

23. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the poop out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

24. Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

25. Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

26. Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."


The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look...I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only...Smith, Jones, Baker...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.

Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is......"

Received from Cathy Gilstrap. -=+=- The Good, Clean Funnies List




God created the mule and told him, You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years. The mule answered, to live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20. And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years. And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting stange. You will be funny and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, Lord to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years. And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years working like a mule and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry, then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting strange to amuse his grandchildren.

And it was so.


**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Charlie Rosado, New York, New York**



O S A R. M R 2!




Translation Below.

Hey Bee! (short for Brother...) See the iddy biddy Ducks?

Them are no ducks.

Oh yes they are. Them are too!

See the iddy biddy wings?

Why, I'll be. Them are ducks!




Office Party

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Steve Sorsby, Mexico City, Mexico**

After the annual office party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise, " he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face."

"He's an asshole - piss on him."

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."




A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he

snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"


The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.


"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded

dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya

getting there?"


"We're taking TWA," the man replies.


"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old,

their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where

you staying in Rome?"


The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."


"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The

rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're

overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"


The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the

Pope." "HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people

trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on

THIS trip. You're going to need it!"


A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says,

"Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the

worst flight of your life!"


"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time

in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us

up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a

beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and



"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."


"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million

remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were

overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for

no extra charge!"


"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"


"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss

guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to

personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to

step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet

me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and

shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."


Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd you get that awful haircut?"


Received from Best of: Humor Mailing List.


The Good, Clean Funnies List


You know you work in corporate America in the 90's if....

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Matt Turowski, Los Altos, California** sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

...your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

...your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

...your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um. order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.

...when someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. get really excited about a 2% pay raise. learn about your layoff on CNN.

...your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

...salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined. think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.'s dark when you drive to and from work. is when issues are assigned to someone else.

...communication is something your group is having problems with. see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. food left over from meetings is your main staple.

...weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

...being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. involves a white board.'re already late on the assignment you just got.

...when 100% of your time means 20 hours. work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh, wow, thanks!"

...Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube. Or there is a company policy against Dilbert cartoons!

...your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."

...vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January.

...your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."

...change is the norm.

...nepotism is encouraged.

...the only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube. only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. read this entire list and understood it.





**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jeff Swenson, Pelican Rapids, Minnesota**

17% Monday

23% Tuesday

40% Wednesday

20% Thursday

10% Friday





Facts of Life

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Dumb man + smart woman = affair

Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage

from: Kathy MacIntosh-Teston of MIS Computer, Inc./Digilog Electronics

1038 N Ashland Ave, Chicago, IL 60622, 888-647-2667

773-772-1200 x306, Fax 384-8305, cell 773-307-8584







If you get an envelope from a company called the "Internal Revenue Service," or "IRS," DO NOT OPEN IT!

This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government.

This is untrue!

The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement.

In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of hundreds of billions of dollars.


Received from "Thought for the Day" mailing list.



Baby-Boomer Qualifying Quiz (and now, the Answers!)

**Originally contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Debbie Hoellen, Denver, Colorado, via Karen Isaak, Denver, Colorado**


The questions are first, and then later on come the answers...


Here's the official Baby-Boomer Qualifying Quiz.



Name the Beatles - both the first and last name of each, of course. Consider

this a warm-up. [If you can't answer this one without thinking, close up the

test, and move on to something else. We have nothing further to discuss.]




Finish the line: "Lions and tigers and bears, __ __!"

Admittedly, this came along before we boomers were born. But we remember it

from both the movies and the boob tube.



"Hey kids, what time is it?" ____ _____ _____ ____.



What do M & M's do? ____ __ ____ _____, ___ __ ____ ____.



What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? ______ _____.



Long before he was "Mohammed Ali," before he was "The Greatest," we knew him

as _________ ______.



"You'll wonder where the yellow went, ________________________."



Those post-baby boomers, or baby boomer wannabees, know Bob Denver as the

Skipper's little buddy." But true boomers know that Bob Denver is actually

Dobie's closest friend, _______ _. _____.



"M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y... ___? _______ __ ____ ___. _ _ _ __!"



Definition: A "streaker" is someone who might go running through the lobby of

the girls' dormitory, _____.



"Brylcream... _ ______ ___'__ __ __."



Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone ____ __.



From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line: "I

wonder, wonder, wonder... wonder who; ___ ____ ___ ____ __ ____?"



And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War... uh-huh, huh...

yea; what is it good for? ___________ ____________."



This is from a kinder and gentler protest song, but the question is just as

profound: Where have all the flowers gone? Perhaps you could use a little help


Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing?

Where have all the flowers gone, long time ago?

Where have all the flowers gone? _____ _____ ______ ____ _____ ___."



Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for

truth, justice, and ___ ________ ___.



He came out of the University of Alabama, to became one of the best

quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. Later, he went on to appear in a TV

commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway ___ ______.



I'm Popeye the sailor man;

I'm Popeye the sailor man.

I'm strong to the finish, ____ _ ___ __ _______.

I'm Popeye the sailor man."



Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was most recently played by Robin

Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ____ ______.



In the movie, The Graduate, young Benjamin, played by Dustin Hoffman, was

counseled about his future, and told to consider one thing: ________.



In another movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er-do-

well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters

with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful escape attempt,

the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a

lesson for the other prisoners, explaining, "What we have here is _ _______ __




In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for

governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think, you won't

have _______ _____ to kick around any more."



"Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive;

He stood six foot six, and weighed 245.

Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip.

And everybody knew you didn't give no lip,

__ ___ ____, ___ ___ ____."



"I found my thrill, __ _________ ____."

You may remember Richie Cunningham saying this. But if you are a true boomer,

you know it was ____ ______ who made this line famous.



"Good night, Mrs. Calabash, _________ ___ ___."

This originated long before even the first of us boomers was born. But in

order to be a true baby boomer, you have to have some breadth.



"Good night, David." "____ _____, ____."


In my response to the Baby Boomers quiz Bob Laurie poses the following "Bonus




What relationship is there between the person in answer 19 to Dallas' J.R.




Now, the answers were put forth by Bob Laurie, Juneau, Alaska and Bill Henry,

Baltimore, Maryland... Bill is not a true Baby Boomer, but did pretty good

with the answers. And Bob was the real expert with only had one

know when he grew up!


1. *John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, Ringo Starr. ("Daddy, is

it true that Paul McCartney used to be in a band?")


2. "Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!"


3. "It's Howdy Doody time!" (altogether now, out there in the Peanut



4. "Melt in your mouth, not in your hand." (Insert own Bill Clinton joke



5. Wonder Bread (answered by Bob.) (Bill said: First proof that 30 does not

a boomer make...)


6. Cassius Clay


7. "You'll wonder where the yellow went, when you brush your teeth with



8. Maynard G. Krebs


9. "Why? Because we like you! M-O-U-S-E"


10. naked


11. "Brylcream... a little dab 'll do ya."


12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone Over thirty.



13. "Who wrote the Book of Love"


14. "Absolutely nothing" (Thank you, Jackie Chan!)


15. Where have all the flowers gone? Young girls picked them, every one."


16. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle

for truth, justice, and the American way.


17. He is Broadway Joe Namath.


18. "'Cause I eats me spinach"


19. We will always remember when Peter was played by Mary Martin.


20. Plastics


21. "What we have here is a failure to communicate."


22. Dick Nixon


23. to Big John, Big Bad John


24. It was Fats Domino who made this line famous.


25. "Wherever you are" (By Jimmy Durante, who most of my peers know only from

the "Frosty the Snowman" cartoon, says Bob!)


26. "Good night, David." "Good night, Chet."


27. BONUS ANSWER: The correct answer to question 19 is Mary Martin, who

played Peter Pan on Broadway and in the 1950's TV special. Dallas's J.R.

Ewing was played by Larry Hagman, Mary Martin's son.




Ways to know that you're out of college

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Tom Berglind, Fargo, ND**

*Your salary is less than your tuition.

*Your potted plants stay alive.

*Having sex in a twin-sized bed seems absurd

*You keep more food than beer in the fridge

*You have to pay your own credit card bill.

*You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year

*8:00 a.m. is not early.

*You have to file for your own taxes.

*You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work

*You're not carded anymore.

*You carry an umbrella.

*Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

*You start watching the weather channel.

*Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.

*You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

*You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

*You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.

*You go to parties that the police don't raid.

*Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.

*You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.

*Your car insurance goes down.

*You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, rum and tequila.

*Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.

*You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.

*You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed

*Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

*Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

*You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News.

*You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.


*When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down the same as I used to.'

*Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.

*You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's not full of '21-year-old kids.'

*Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly



**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lee Bright, California, and Lindsey Johnson Suddarth, Vermont**

Moses' account of the creation in the Book of Genesis is so familiar and so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's ribs.

Last month, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archeologists uncovered ancient, original texts that pre-date Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible . . .

" . . . and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her young. And God spake, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit. Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"

And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters. I need but two breasts."

And God said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom." There was a crack of lightning and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand.

"Now just what am I going to do with this useless boob?" Woman exclaimed.

And so it was, God created Man."




Gene Autry's Cowboy Code (Written in 1939)

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, MN**

The Cowboy must never shoot first, hit a smaller man, or take unfair advantage.

He must never go back on his word, or a trust confided in him.

He must always tell the truth.

He must be gentle with children, the elderly, and animals.

He must not advocate or possess racially or religiously intolerant ideas.

He must help people in distress.

He must be a good worker.

He must keep himself clean in thought, speech, action and personal habits.

He must respect women, parents, and his nation's laws.

The Cowboy is a Patriot.


Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Craig Gissler, Lincoln, Nebraska, via Karen Isaak, Denver, Colorado**

22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.

19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.

14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.

11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.

10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.

9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.

4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:

1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.



Sunsets on the Beach

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Matt Turowski, Los Altos, California**

A man, a pig, and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better to the man, so he leaned toward it and put his arm around it. The dog became jealous and growled fiercely at the man, until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in pretty bad shape when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. The man started getting those "ideas" again, so he leaned toward the girl and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"




Little Johnny

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Brendan Croft, Red Hill, Australia**

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends,

"It's okay, we can play that game again!"


A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"


Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"


A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

"Very good, William," said the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.

"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."


A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God".

The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand.

The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought, "I'm not gonna like this... Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"


Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad, our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so god can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee, Dad, that's great", said little Johnny.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, 'Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming,' and if it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"




The Three Little Pigs

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Pat Gerlach, Philadelphia, PA**

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs: the straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day, the nasty old wolf came to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!"...and he did.

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Let me in, please! The wolf blew my house down."...So, the stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up at the stick pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down."...And he did.

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in! The wolf blew our houses down and we're scared!" So, the brick pig let them in. The wolf came to them again and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down."

While the wolf was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were scared. The brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed, and all of a sudden, this big, black stretch limo drove up. Out came this huge pig in a pin- striped suit. The pig came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Then, he left the wolf for dead, got back into his limo, and drove off.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed. They asked the brick pig, "Who was that?" The brick pig said, "That was the guinea pig."


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