16 Things That Took Me 50 Years to Learn

by Dave Barry

1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her body at that moment.

3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

11. You should not confuse your career with your life.

12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command; very often, that individual is crazy.

15. Your friends love you, anyway.

16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

 

You reach a point in time where you just need to stop worrying about your teenager's driving and get on with your life. And you might as well try to take advantage of it. One father of a teenage daughter printed up a bumper sticker that said, "How's My Driving? Call 900-555-1234." So far, he's making $38 per month on these $.50 calls!

Cards You Will Never See in Hallmark (but might like to)

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Melissa Bettendorf, Eagan, Minnesota**

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

"Congratulations on your promotion. Scum always rises to the top."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for our birthday --so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!" (available only in Arkansas and Mississippi)

 

A guide to Atlanta, Georgia (pronunciation is: A-lan-uh, JORjah)

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lyn Deadmore Taylor, Atlanta, JORjah

* Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over once you reach Greenville, South Carolina.

* The 8 am rush hour is from 6:30 am to 10:30 am The 5:00 pm rush hour is from 3:30 pm to 7:30 pm Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning and lasts through 2:00 am on Saturday.

* All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree...and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House..." Except that in Cobb County, all directions begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken..."

* Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Lane, Peachtree Road, Peachtree Parkway, Peachtree Run, Peachtree Trace, Peachtree Avenue, Peachtree Commons, Peachtree Battle, Peachtree Corners, Old Peachtree, New Peachtree, Peachtree Circle Court, or Peachtree Industrial Boulevard.

* Atlantans do not believe in turn signals. You will never see a native signal at a stoplight, to change lanes, or to merge. Never.

* Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask for any other soft drink... unless it's made by Coca Cola. And even then, it's still "Coke."

* Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions they will always send you down Peachtree.

* Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse so wear sneakers and pack a lunch. The doors on the trains in the airport do not reopen like an elevator if you stick your hand out. And they hurt.

* It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive" and has posted signs to that effect so that out-of-towners don't feel lost.....they're just on the "scenic drive."

* Do not plan to visit Atlanta during Freaknik. (black college spring break) Even if you make it off the freeway into the city, you won't be able to go anywhere and may not make it out alive.

* Reversible lanes are not understood by anybody ... especially those of us who live here. Stay out of them unless you are looking for a head-on collision.

* Outside of the perimeter (Interstate 285) "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are. Southern manners.

* In the suburbs, "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss," so is "Sweetpea." "Honey" is always used by Waffle House waitresses.

* Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. (The Atlanta pronunciation is "pahnss uh LEE-on.")

* The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules; so will daylight savings time, a girl applying eye shadow in the next car, or a flat tire three lanes over. We are the rubber necking capital of the world

* If a single snowflake falls the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a month. All the grocery stores sell out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer if there is a remote chance of snow.

* If it actually snows, people will proudly buy "I Survived the Blizzard" T-shirts.

* If you're standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected to get on and go somewhere, it would be rude not to.

* It is always Smog Alert Day.

* Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta's version of Old Faithful erupts.

* Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour. People with flat tires feel the same way.

* Atlanta's traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta's traffic is rated number one in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged in "lively" discussions.

* Atlantans are very proud of our racetrack, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name. Actually, I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta and has a posted speed limit of 55 mph (but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over), is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."

* Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the Autobahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA 400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized SUV's wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus coming home from the college prep preschool.

* The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy which rates 120 as extremely high. Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range. All roads, vehicles, houses, etc., are yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you have any allergies, you may die.

* The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip.

* Let with all the trials and tribulations Atlantans have to go through, it is still the best place in the world to call home.


IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline Genners, Jacksonville, FL**

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

 

GUEST APPLICATION FOR JERRY SPRINGER SHOW

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, MN**

Personal Information:

Name___________ Nickname______________ CB Handle______________

Yore Mama______________ Yore Daddy (if known)________________

Spouse's Name_________________

Relationship to spouse: __Sister __Brother __Mother __Father __Pet __Aunt

__Uncle

Occupation: ___Unemployed Mechanic ___Gun Show Dealer ___Skinhead

Number of Children in Household___ Number that are yours___

Circle Highest Level of Education: 1 2 3 4

How Far is Your Mobile Home From a Paved Road: ___1mi. __5 mi. ___?

Number of Times You Have Survived a Tornado: ___

Number of Vehicles Owned___ Number on Cement Blocks___

Truck Equipment: ___Gun Rack ___Pit Bull ___Spit Cup ___Fuzzy Dice ___Rebel

Flag ___Naked Woman Mudflaps ___NWO and/or NRA sticker

Weapons Owned: ___Tire Iron ___Pick Handle ___Beer Bottle ___Shotgun

Number of Dogs Owned: ___

Number of Homemade Tattoos:___

Which of the Following Appliances are in your Front Yard: ___Friggerator

___Heatin Stove ___Warsher ___TV ___Freezer

How Many of the Above Appliances Work: ___

Fav-o-rite Recreation: ___Drinkin ___Cow Chip Throwin ___Possum Huntin

___Crawdad Huntin ___Spittin Backy ___Scratchin___Watchin Wrasslin

If You Can Read, Which Magazines Do You Prefer:

___Soap Opera Digest ___NWA ___Rifle and Shotgun ___TV Guide__ National Enquirer __True Confessions

Which Stinks Worse: ___Hogpen ___Outhouse ___Spouse

Can You Spell Your Last Name: ___Yup ___Nope

Can You Remember Your Last Name: ___Yup ___Nope

Have You Ever Stayed Sober for More Than One Day: ___Yup ___Nope

Do You Know Any Words with More Than 4 Letters: ___Yup ___Nope

Which is Correct: ___"I Seed Him" or ___"I Seen Him"

How Many Cartons of Cigarettes Do You Smoke a Day? ___

Math Test: How Many Food Stamps Do the Following Cost?

___Six Pack ___Ciggies ___Shotgun Shells ___Backy___Prostitute

Number of Times You've Seen: ___a UFO ___ Elvis___Elvis in a UFO

Health Questionaire: Which of the Following Do You Have?

___Head Lice ___B.O. ___Crabs ___Runny Nose___Boils

Can You Remember the Last Time You Bathed? ___Yup___Nope

Color of Teeth: ___Yellow ___Brown ___Black ___N/A

I hereby swear this is the trooth and sign my "X" on _________19__

 

Ignorance is Bliss - This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers...these are exams that are taken at age 16.

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Alasan Eisenbacher, Eden Prairie, MN**

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history.

The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most people were alliterate.

The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, and comedies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.

During the Renaissance America began.

Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress.

The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.

Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.

Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.

Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believed the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

 

REDNECK LOVE POEM

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue,

and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze,

Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.

You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.

Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;

I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,

well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,

what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,

to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,

yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead,

You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin',

Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,

I won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,

we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.

"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.

Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more

useful than diamonds...... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

 

Luv from yor'e romeo,

Big Bubba!

 

Lunch Date?

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Melanie Rotz, Redlands, CA**

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

 

Martha Stewart's Manners for Rednecks

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2 . Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3 Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2 Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

 

Subject: the ATM

His and Her drive-through ATM machines:

HIS:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt

5. Drive away

HERS:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Back up and pull forward to get closer

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.

9. Enter PIN

10. Study instructions.

11. Hit "cancel"

12. Reenter correct PIN

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. Stop

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Drive 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

Some New Error Messages Planned for Microsoft Windows 2000 !!!

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eric Hernandez, Pleasanton, CA**

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8) This will end your Windows session. Play again?

9) Windows: 'Mistake! Shall I format your brain?'

10) God: "Rebooting the universe, please log out"

11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.

14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.

20) User Error: Replace user.

21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"

 

Santa's a Woman

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bret Whissel, Tallahassee, FL**

I think Santa Claus is a woman.

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

- Men can't pack a bag.

- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all

those elves.

- Men don't answer their mail.

- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as

anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

- Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to

pick up women.

- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.

Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

 

 

 

Buying Gifts for Men

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, Minnesota**

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

 

On Thinking:

Have you heard the one about Mark, George and Bob who became good friends?

They decided to go on a vacation together along with their wives. So they rent a large mobile home and away they went. Unfortunately just as they were getting on the highway a semi-trailer ran right over the top of them, sending them all to Peter at the pearly gates.

Mark stepped forward and introduced himself. Peter said "Well its great to meet you, let me check the Big Book and I'll get right back to you." Peter came back with a frown on his face and said "I'm sorry I won't be able to let you in. All you thought about during your life was money, money, money! In fact you didn't marry until you found a girl named Penny! Next."

So George stepped forward, going through the same process until Peter again came back with a frown on his face. Peter said "I'm sorry I won't be able to let you in. All you thought about during your life was drinking, drinking, drinking! In fact you didn't marry until you found a girl named Sherry! Next."

Meanwhile Bob who was watching all that just happened leaned over to his wife and says, "Fanny, let's get the heck out of here!"

Received from Mike Anderson.

 

 

Blonde and the Car

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Tom Berglind, Fargo, ND**

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is

hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even

the accelerator!" she cries.

The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be

there in two minutes."

Before the police get to the crime scene, however the 911 dispatcher's

telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.

"Never mind," giggles the blonde, " I got in the back seat by mistake."

 

Bad-Mouthing Michigan

Why do Michigan graduates hang their diplomas from the rear view mirror?

To justify their handicapped parking.

**************************

Why don't U of M teams have ice on the sidelines?

The guy with the recipe graduated.

**************************

What do a tornado and a Michigan grad have in common ?

Sooner or later they'll end up in a trailer park.

***************************

What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a Michigan football player?

Six more weeks of bad football.

***************************

How many Michigan freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it's a second year course.

***************************

How do you get a Michigan graduate off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

**************************

The Michigan football team was placed in a remedial English class. The professor asked the class, "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?" All of the players raised their hands. "The appeal," they shouted with pride.

*************************

What does the average Michigan player get on his SAT's?

Drool.

****************************

A Michigan football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Thank God the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it.

***************************

What are the best four years of a U of M student's life?

Third grade.

**************************

 

Moron OSU

A Columbus building contractor - who happened to be an OSU graduate - was discussing paint schemes with a couple.

He asked which color they had picked for their kitchen. The lady responded with vanilla white. "No problem," the Buckeye contractor replied as he opened the window and screamed out,"GREEN SIDE UP."

The couple didn't think much of it and proceeded to the living room. The OSU grad then asked which color they had decided on for the living room and they replied with hazelnut beige. At that point, the OSU grad opened the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP."

The couple worried at this point but not saying anything followed the contractor into the master bedroom. The contractor asked what color they wanted the bedroom painted and they indicated pure white was their favorite. Once again, the contractor opened the window and blasted, "GREEN SIDE UP."

That's when the lady spoke,"Sir, we've been in three rooms, each a different color, but you scream 'Green side up' after we tell you a color for the room, what's up?"

"I'm sorry," the contractor said, "I should have told you before we started, I've got a couple of Michigan grads laying sod outside."

 

A Badger, a Wolverine, and a Buckeye were walking together and came across a magic lamp, and out popped a genie. "I will give you one wish a piece," says the genie.

The Badger said, "I'm studying to be a farmer. I want 1,000 acres of the most fertile farmland in the world and I want it to remain fertile forever."

"Your wish is granted," the genie said.

The Wolverine was amazed and looked at the genie said: "I don't want any outsiders coming into our precious city. I want a wall around Ann Arbor, to keep undesirables out."

The Genie said: "Your wish is granted."

The Buckeye, who was also amazed, looked at the genie and said, "I'm curious, tell me more about this wall." The genie said, "It's 250 feet high, and 50 feet thick, no one can get in or out."

The Buckeye says, "Fill it up with water."

 

Abbreviations in the Personal Ads

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Roman Gonzalez, Mexico City**

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads

THE WOMEN

40-ish.................. 48

Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will

Athletic................ Flat-chested

Average looking......... Ugly

Beautiful............... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin

Educated................ College dropout

Emotionally Secure...... Medicated

Feminist................ Fat; ball buster

Free spirit............. Substance user

Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun..................... Annoying

Gentle.................. Comatose

Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic

New-Age................. All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded............. Desperate

Outgoing................ Loud

Passionate.............. Loud

Petite...................Short and Fat

Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic

Professional............ Real Witch

Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section

Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat

Romantic................ Looks better by candle light

Voluptuous.............. Very Fat

Weight proportional to height............. Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate....... One step away from stalking

Widow................ Nagged first husband to death

Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MEN

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking............ Arrogant

Honest.................. Pathological Liar

Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent

Mature................Until you get to know him

Open-minded.......... Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall

Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother. On Easter Sunday

Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

 

On Offensive and Defensive Names of Pro Teams

The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the team rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the '99 season:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day.

Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People.

The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.

The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9.

And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.

Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

Received from Roger AAC Cooper.

 

 

RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS

I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy....

I'd have nothing to play with.

 

A girl phoned me the other day and said ....

"Come on over, there's nobody home"

I went over. Nobody was home.

 

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

 

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.

Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

 

One day as I came home early from work .....

I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy ....

"Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"

He said, "Because you came home early."

 

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ....

put on a shirt and a button fell off.

I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

 

I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the

sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

 

I could tell that my parents hated me.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

 

I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast

fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly...My father carries around the

picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

 

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the

waiting room and said to my father.... I'm very sorry.

We did everything we could......But he pulled through.

 

I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness-after I was born.

 

I remember the time I was kidnapped and

they sent a piece of my finger to my father.

He said he wanted more proof.

 

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman

and asked him to help me find my parents.

I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?

"He said ... "I don't know kid ... there are

so many places they can hide."

 

My wife made me join a bridge club.

I jump off next Tuesday.

 

I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

 

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror...

I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?"

He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

 

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.

My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

 

Snails

A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs. The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!

 

 

Top 15 Women's T-shirt Slogans

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park, MN**

1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes

2. I hate everybody, and you're next.

3. And your point is....?

4. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

5. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

6. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it!

7. Remember my name...you'll be screaming it later.

8. Don't worry. I'll only seem kinky the first time.

9. Of course I don't look busy....I did it right the first time!

10. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

11. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

12. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

13. All stressed out and no one to choke.

14. If we are what we eat....I'm fast, cheap, and easy.

15. I am out of Estrogen and I have a gun.

 

Peter Marshall's List of Favorite Answers from "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"

1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann Margaret would like to start having babies, soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?

PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.

2. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?

PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.

3. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?

4. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

5. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.

6. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?

PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.

7. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?

CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.

8. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.

CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.

9. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?

PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.

10. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?

CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

11. Do female frogs croak?

PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.

12. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake.

13. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.

PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.

14. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?

PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?

15. Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?

JOAN RIVERS: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

16. Question: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?

PAUL LYNDE: Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

 

This is for all of you frustrated musicians...who want to turn all of us into frustrated listeners.

...You can play music on your phone by pressing the buttons on the top (1,2,3)...and along the side (6,9,#). But don't play the 4,5,7,8,*, or 0. They sound even worse than the others.

Happy Birthday

112163

112196

11#9632

969363

Auld Lang Syne

11113212

321139#

#9331212

321##91

Frere Jacques

12311231

369369

9#9631,9#9631

191,191

Mary Had a Little Lamb

3212333

222,399

3212333

322321

Louie, Louie

111-66-999-66

Help

911

911

911

911

...from the book, Totally Useless Office Skills, by Rick Davis.

 

Does Bill Gates have a sense of humor?

--------------------------------------

1:) Open a New Microsoft Word Document.

2:) Type the Phrase 'I'd Like Bill Clinton to resign'

3:) Hilite it as if you were going to run it through spell check.

4:) Go to TOOLS - LANGUAGE - THESAURUS..(or TOOLS-THESAURUS directly.)

5:) Look at the Suggested phrase.

 

Little Johnny and the Big Mouth

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Alex Montiel, San Francisco,**

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the

woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home

and starts to tell his mother excitedly.... "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND.."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So

Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the

woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big

kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take

his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an

interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want

to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the

car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then

Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

 

"Would You Like to Play the Guitar?"

Pat Donohue - lyric

    (to the tune of "Swinging on a Star")

Would you like to play the guitar

Carry money home in a jar

From a coffeehouse or a bar

Or would you rather get a job?

A job is the thing that makes you get out of bed

And work every day until you're dead

Your back is achin' and your brain is numb

And you just can't wait until the weekend comes

But if you don't want to starve or beg or rob

You're gonna have to get a job

Or would you like to play the guitar

Drive for miles and miles in your car

And pretend that you're a big star

Or would you rather book the gig?

An agent's the guy who takes his twenty percent

What he says isn't always what he meant

He'll clean you out in ways you never thought

Because he's good at business and he knows you're not

And then he'll sue if you ever make it big

'Cause he's the guy who booked the gig

Or would you like to play the guitar

For a living - har-dee-har-har

I'll admit it's kind of bizarre

Or would you rather be the wife

The wife is the one who has to rescue our butts

She's either a saint or else she's nuts

She gets impatient and she gets annoyed

'Cause she's the one who must remain employed

And, by the way, if you want to wreck your life

Become a guitar player's wife

'Cause all the monkeys aren't in the zoo

They can be trained to play guitar, too

Some do a whole lot better than you

But even if you don't go far

You could be worse off than you are

At least you're playing your guitar

Just 4 Laughs!

 

Tips for Cowboys

~ Never squat with your spurs on!

~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.... Neither one works.

~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.

~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

~ Never ask a man the size of his spread.

~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

~ Always drink upstream from the herd.

~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

~ When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Just 4 Laughs!

On walking and sex

With today's focus on exercising, my wife has been trying to talk me into joining her in a 20 minute walk each night. One evening after she read an article called "Brighten Your Sex Life," she felt she had a new argument to present. She told me that, according to what she read, if I just walked 20 minutes each day it would improve my sex life.

 

I replied, "Who do I know that lives 20 minutes away?"

 

Just Like a Surgeon

 

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey was very embarrassed and as he walked away, said softly to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

 

Received from Lorraine.

 

-=+=-

 

I just heard an announcer on the radio that said, "those New Yorkers are really tough people. They had a bumper sticker made up for the Democrats, that is on the rear bumpers of huge amounts of cars. It reads,

 

"RUN HILLARY RUN"...

 

However, the Republican's are putting it on their FRONT BUMPERS.

 

Received from Terouge.

 

Famous Last Words

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Glenn Johnson, Arlington, Texas, via Bob Laurie, Juneau, Alaska**

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the U.S. auto makers for the past five-years.

The NTSB covertly funded a project, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before a fatal crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 62% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, with 89% of the final words being, "Hey Y'all, watch this!"

 

 

Flip a Coin

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bob Laurie, Juneau, Alaska**

 

The U.S. Mint has announced that it will issue a new 50-cent coin to honor two great American patriots. On one side will be a likeness of Theodore Roosevelt, and on the other side one of Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, an official replied, "Now when you have a coin toss, you can simply call Teds or Hales!"

 

 

Occupational Descriptions...

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Just 4 Laughs!

 

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch. "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?" asks the sailor. "I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate. "A shark bit off me whole leg."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut me hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "And the eyepatch?"

"A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

Said the pirate. "It was me first day with me hook."

 

A True Minnesotan

Well, dear readers of the Funnies...many of you wrote me that you loved it, but didn't quite understand all of the lingo of the Minnesota conversation...so here is the Minnesota translation... It starts with the original version, and the translation will follow....Swenny

YOU ARE A TRUE MINNESOOTIN!

( ya sure - you betcha :-)

 

Ven Two Minnesootins Meet Oop Nort On Da Lake Fichen!

Haydair.

Lobuddy

Benearlong?

Coplhours.

Crieps, cetchenenny?

Yepgoddafew

Vairdaybittn?

Oberdair

Kindarday?

Valleyeennordern.

Ennysiztooum?

Cuplapowns.

Oofda, bittenard?

yanohowdeyar.

Vahchaoozin? Dalindyrik?

Ohyeahdonchano.

Fichenondaboddum?

Rydoopneardaboddum.

Howdeeperya?

Bouttvenyfeet.

Oh, Vachadrinkin?

Hadacouplabeers.

Velligoddago.

Tubad.

Seeyaround.

Yeahtakideeze.

Guluk.

Yoobetcha.

 

Da Ent!!!

IF YOU WERE ABLE TO READ THIS YOU ARE A TRUE MINNESOOTIN!

(Translation...)

Ven Two Minnesootins Meet Oop Nort On Da Lake Fichen! (When two Minnesotans meet up north on the lake fishing)

Haydair. (Hey There)

Lobuddy (Hello, Buddy)

Benearlong? (Been here long?)

Coplhours. (Couple of hours)

Crieps, cetchenenny? (Cripes, Catching any?)

Yepgoddafew (Yep, Got a few)

Vairdaybittn? (Where are they biting?)

Oberdair (Over there - which is probably a misdirection as a true

Minnesotan Fisherman never reveals the good spots)

Kindarday? (What kind are they?)

Valleyeennordern. (Walleye and Northern)

Ennysiztooum? (Any size to them?)

Cuplapowns. (Couple of pounds)

Oofda, bittenard? (Oofda = "wow", Biting hard?)

yanohowdeyar. (You know how they are)

Vahchaoozin? Dalindyrik? (What are you using?

The Lindy Rig?)

Ohyeahdonchano. (Oh yes, don't you know)

Fichenondaboddum? (Fishing on the bottom?)

Rydoopneardaboddum. (Right up near the bottom)

Howdeeperya? (How deep are you?)

Bouttvenyfeet. (About 20 feet)

Oh, Vachadrinkin? (Oh, What are you drinking?)

Hadacouplabeers. (Had a couple of beers)

Velligoddago. (Well, I've got to go.)

Tubad. (Too Bad)

Seeyaround. (See you around)

Yeahtakideeze. (Yea, take it easy)

Guluk. (Good Luck)

Yoobetcha. (You bet ya)

 

Da Ent!!! (the End)

I should note that as a true representation of a Minnesota Fisherman conversation this is totally off base. In reality, the conversation would never be this long in words. They would probably go through the first 5 exchanges, but would take an hour to do so. We don't talk much when we fish up here.

What is typical is that the one fishing says that the fish are biting somewhere other than where he is. This happens all the time in Minnesota. The silly thing is, none of us ever asks "Ifderebitinoberderewhyyafishunhere?" (If they are biting over there, why are you fishing here?)

 

 

You know the 90's are almost over when . . .

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Roman Gonzalez, Mexico City**

1. Everyone used to joke about a Starbucks on every corner, and now there is a Starbucks on every corner.

2. People mark December 31st on their calendar as "The End of the World."

3. Gen-Xers trade their futons in for orthopedic support mattresses.

4. You realize a big family is inefficient and decide to downsize.

5. HBO introduces it's new channel: HBO Pi - The channel that never repeats.

6. Movie promos brag, "Funniest Movie of the Millenium."

7. Parents complain to their college kids, "You never e-mail us anymore."

8. Clinton responds to all allegations with, "So what are you gonna do about it?"

9. People tell you their salary followed by, "with stock options."

10. George Foreman's Super-Deluxe Grill loses to Muhammad Ali's Damn Straight Salad Shooter.

11. Ritalin comes in the shapes of Flintstones characters.

12. Everything computer science majors learn in school is outdated before graduation.

13. Domino's Pizza only delivers to non-smoking homes.

14. Out of force-of-habit, you tag your signature with ".com."

15. People refer to New Age remedies as Old School.

16. You realize you haven't seen a movie this decade that hasn't been interrupted by a cell phone.

17. You're sick of receiving lists about the 90s.

 

Signs That You Have Had Too Much Of The 90's

-- You try to enter your password on the microwave.

-- You now think of three espresso's as "getting wasted."

-- You no longer own a real deck of cards. Solitaire, spades, and hearts are all played on the computer.

-- Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

-- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

-- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

-- The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

-- You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

-- Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

Just 4 Laughs!

 

Marriage Quips

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?

A: Not if you are the groom.

Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?

A: Anything except 'Tied to the Whipping Post'.

Q: How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?

A: They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.

Q: What is a wedding tragedy?

A: To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.

Q: Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist

colony?

A: They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was.

Q: What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on

their wedding night?

A: A last name.

Q: How is marriage like a hot bath?

A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Q: If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose:

A: Would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?

A: Buy her a diamond ring.

Q: What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?

A: Call her/him on the telephone.

Just 4 Laughs!

 

Isn't That Nice...

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, MN**

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillaredmansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."

The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."

The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The second woman replied "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice'."

 

 

 

* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

* If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

* "When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

* If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?

* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?

* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

 

Funny E Mail Addresses

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lauren Bouffard, Scotch Plains, NJ, with the following note: "You couldn't make these up if you tried."**

Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters

and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up

an e-mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml.

They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you

have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large

database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses.

Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:

10. Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke University)

eatonsht@dku.edu

9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)

dickinme@iup.edu

8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)

kissinfk@lvu.edu

7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University)

aspicker@pu.edu

6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University)

ibballin@bsu.edu

5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,Overton,

Canada) btkisser@bendover.com

4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us)

ihadcock@tru.com

3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University)

cumminme@fu.edu

2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets

Inc.)blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

but at No 1, it had to be...

1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating)

beeranbj@myplace.com

 

Advice column about pregnancy....

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?

A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

 

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?

A. Have sex once a year.

 

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

 

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?

A. Then the jig is up.

 

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?

A. Your therapist.

 

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?

A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?

A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A. So what's your question, meatball?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?

A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?

A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a

Playboy centerfold?

A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?

A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?

A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?

A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?

A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?

A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?

A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?

A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?

A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?

A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. What is colic?

A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?

A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A. When the kids are in college.

Just 4 Laughs!

 

Decisions Decisions!

An older couple, living apart, had been dating for a number of years. One

day Elmer says to Betsy, "We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two

rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate foods and cooking

separate meals. We should move in together.

 

Betsy: Whose house would we live in?

Elmer: Mine, it is paid for.

Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?

Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine.

 

Betsy: Who would do the cooking?

Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes.

 

Betsy: What about sex?

Elmer: Infrequently.

 

Betsy: Is that one word or two?

 

Juneau Rain

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bob Laurie, Juneau, Alaska

A newcomer to Juneau arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it is still raining. It rains the next day and the day after that. One day at

lunch, she sees a little boy and asks him, "Hey kid, when does it stop

raining around here?"

The kid looks at her and says "How should I know, I'm only 6!"

 

"I can't believe it," said the tourist. "I've been here in Juneau an entire

week and it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer around here?"

The local says, "Well it's hard to tell, last year it was a Wednesday."

 

What do you call a sunny day that follows two straight days of rain in Juneau?

Monday

 

What did the Juneau native say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?

"Nice tan."

What does daylight savings time mean in Juneau?

An extra hour of rain.

 

What do you call blue skies in Juneau?

A 30-second time out.

 

 

 

 

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

 

The Butcher Dance

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a

documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every

single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film.

He winds up in Alice Springs so he pops into a pub for a well earned

beer.

He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about

his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher

Dance." The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's

that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you

no see Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what

you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than

corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see

Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to

deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming

these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last

dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you

drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track

for 126 miles til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you

ever see. Here you gotta leave car, coz much to rough for driving. You

strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days til you hit

creek.

You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek

flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains

here though. You now head south for half day til you see pass through

mountains. Pass very difficult, very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to

get through rocky pass. When through, head north-west for 4 days till

reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock,

walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher

Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After

a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking

state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't

reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are

high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this

mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to

the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days

and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his

spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds

the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing

his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide

said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment

through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they

finally force their way clear and continue their long trek. When they

reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and

their feet are covered with blisters but they steel themselves and head

out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually

stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them

fresh water and they begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief

and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You

too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not til' next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra

dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If

hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see

Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated. But he has no other option but to head back

to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not

to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite

willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in

order to ensure he is present to witness it.

However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that

year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every

few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog

through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They

reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but

halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce

storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to

cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be

suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such

savage elements. Then, before they have travelled a mile out from the

mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the

rest of their journey to the rock and then the village enormously.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been

travelling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too

late!"

The chief recognizes him and says, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance

performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spend the rest of the afternoon

setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on

celluloid.

As dusk falls, the natives start to cover their bodies in white

paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal

skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form

a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a

wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire

body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor

or medicine man, figures the guy, and he whispers to the chief, "What's

he doing?"

"Hush!" whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most

sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the

spirits of the dreamworld watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them

through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so

gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he

removes himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding

of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the

stirring rhythm. The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the

moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his

wait has not been in vain.

He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and

movement ever conceived by mankind. The chief strides to his position

in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing: "You

butcher right arm in, you butcher right arm out. You butcher right

arm in and you shake it all about...."

 

 

Out Gathering Snails

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

Just 4 Laughs!

 

KIDS' LITTLE INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE

 

"Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching."

-Andrew, Age 9

 

"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." -Rocky, age 9

 

"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."

-Stephanie, age 8

 

"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."

-Lamar, age 10

 

"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your

parents are doing taxes." -Carrol, age 9

 

"Never bug a pregnant mom." -Nicholas, age 11

 

"Don't ever be too full for dessert." -Kelly, age 10

 

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?'

don't answer him." -Heather, age 16

 

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14

 

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."

-Joel, age 12

 

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom

when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13

 

"Never try to baptize a cat." -Laura, age 13

 

"Never spit when on a roller coaster." -Scott, age 11

 

"Never do pranks at a police station." -Sam, age 10

 

"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."

-Rob, age 10

 

"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do

what your mom told you to do." -Hank, age 12

 

"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."

-Molly, age 11

 

"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."

-Chelsey, age 7

 

"Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9

 

"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."

-Phillip, age 13

 

"Forget the cake, go for the icing." -Cynthia, age 8

 

"Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and

Grandma's house." -Joanne, age 11

 

"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."

-Matthew, age 12

 

Johnnie's Request

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!" Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request.

While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnnie: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnnie: "36"

Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"

Johnnie: "81"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade."

The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?"

The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"

Johnnie: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"

 

The Suit

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

Just 4 Laughs!

 

Thoughts for the Day

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Stephen Papa, New York City, NY**

Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Happiness is different from pleasure. Happiness has something to do with struggling, enduring, and accomplishing.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

If you care at all you will get some results. If you care enough you will get incredible results!

Like most endeavors, life is seriously over-advertised and under-funded.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

 

Last Night

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Glenn Johnson, Arlington, Texas, via Bob Laurie, Juneau, Alaska**

Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian

says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make

wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made

passionate love. She screamed for half an hour!"

The Jew says, "That's nothing. I covered my wife's body with schmaltz. We

made love and she screamed for six hours!"

The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"

The Jew shrugs and says, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

 

 

The Old Man, a Boy and a Donkey

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, MN**

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was

decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people

who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.

The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed

positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for

that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both

should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when

they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics

were right so they decided that they both should ride.

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a

load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the

critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into

the river and drowned.

The moral of the story...........If you try to please everyone, you will

eventually lose your ass.

 

How Much to Extract Wisdom Teeth?

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it

will cost to extract wisdom teeth?

 

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

 

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

 

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60." But it will be pretty painfull.

 

"That's still too expensive," the man says. It does not matter how painful it is.

 

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20." That could be more pain then you can stand.

 

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

 

"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

 

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

 

 

Sheep Legs

Many discussions often remind me of the old question of the sheep's tail. What? You forgot the story? Let me remind you...

"How many legs does a sheep have if you call its tail a leg", asked the first man. "Well, I guess it would have five" responded the second. "Nope", said the first, "Simply calling a tail a leg does not make it one".

 

Sweeping Sailor

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Kate Mace, New York**

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3

am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon

hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered

the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by

morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at

the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returned.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

 

Bit and Byte

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big. And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

6. And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and sub-volumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?

11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!

16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.

18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

 

 

Ole, Lars and Sven

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Tom Berglind, Fargo, North

Dakota**

Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the monthly drawing. That is until the last meeting.

Sven was the first one of the three to get his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of Swedish meatballs.

Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, a night's stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven.

Lars was the last one to have his name drawn, he won a toilet brush.

At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how they had fared for the past month. Svensaid "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for them dere tree days."

Ole said "Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Duluth was nice, we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey were sisters."

Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looks at them both and says "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."

 

Minnesota Bumper Stickers

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Brian Nelson, Hitterdahl,

Minnesota, and Lori Wichmann, Maple Grove, Minnesota**

14. Are those goosebumps or mosquito bites?

13. If you can't say something nice, be passive aggressive

12. Minnesota, headwaters of the Mississippi. It's all downhill from here.

11. Minnesota - where bottled water comes in cubes

10. Visit Minnesota (weather permitting)

9. Minnesota - Home of the bald ego

8. Go Twins Go - and take the Vikings with you!

7. Garrison Keillor for President - If you're gonna get a story, you might as

well get a good one

6. I'm driving 10 mph below the speed limit in the left lane because someone

has to put you in your place.

5. Minnesota: At least we're not one of them square states

4. Minnesota: Summer falls on a Thursday this year

3. Minnesota: We're not nice, We're numb.

2. Welcome to Minnesota! Caution: Some potholes contain fishermen.

1. Warning: this governor is for entertainment purposes only.

 

Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters.

About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"

Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."

The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel.

Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?"

Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."

The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down. This time they were our in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus.

Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do it."

Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said 'No'. Then, ve vere by a motel and you said 'No'. But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?"

Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fu..ing season vould be over."

 

 

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN THE TWIN CITIES

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park,

Minnesota, who never drives in the Twin Cities**

1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Minneapolis driver never uses them.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Minnesota look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the MHP police car parked in the median.

8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

10. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Minneapolis driver, flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

11. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Minneapolis.

12. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

13. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway crews something to clean up.

14. Everyone thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge or Chevy logo.

15. Learn to swerve abruptly. Minnesota is the home of high speed slalom driving thanks to our city council, which put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

16. It is traditional in the Twin Cities to honk your horn at cars that don't move during the instant the light changes.

17. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

18. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

19. Remember that the goal of every Minneapolis driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

20. Real Minnesota women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

21. Real Minnesota men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

22. All Minnesota drivers are required to use a cellular phone while driving. It makes it easier to call 911 when they hit someone and MHP can respond more quickly to block off 2 or more lanes of traffic...Especially during rush hour.

23. Heavy fog, snow, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring the economic well being of body shops, junkyards and new vehicle sales.

24. Drive Careful Now!

 

 

'Twas the night before Y2K

'Twas the night before Y2K,

And all through the nation

We awaited The Bug,

The Millennium sensation.

The chips were replaced

In computers with care,

In hopes that ol' Bugsy

Wouldn't stop there.

While some folks could think

They were snug in their beds,

Others had visions

Of dread in their heads.

And Ma with her PC,

And I with my Mac

Had just logged on the Net

And kicked back with a snack.

When over the server,

There arose such a clatter,

I called Mister Gates

To see what was the matter.

But he was away,

So I flew like a flash,

Off to my bank

To withdraw all my cash.

When what to my wandering eyes

Should I see?

My good old Mac

Looked sick to me.

The hack of all hackers

Was looking so smug,

I knew that it must be

The Y-2-K Bug!

His image downloaded

In no time at all,

He whistled and shouted,

Let all systems fall!

Go Intel! Go Gateway!

Now HP! Big Blue!

everything Compaq,

And Pentium too!

All processors big,

All processors small,

Crash away! Crash away!

Crash away all!

All the controls

That planes need for their flights,

All microwaves, trains

And all traffic lights.

As I drew in my breath

And was turning around,

Out through the modem,

He came with a bound.

He was covered with fur,

And slung on his back

Was a sackful of virus,

Set for attack.

His eyes - how they twinkled!

His dimples - how merry!

As midnight approached, though

Things soon became scary.

He had a broad little face

And a round little belly,

And his sack filled with virus

Quivered like jelly.

He was chubby and plump,

Perpetually grinning,

And I laughed when I saw him

Though my hard drive stopped spinning.

A wink of his eye,

And a twist of head,

Soon gave me to know

A new feeling of dread.

He spoke not a word,

But went straight to his work,

He changed all the codes,

Then turned with a jerk.

With a twitch of his nose,

And a quick little wink,

All things electronic

Soon went on the blink.

He zoomed from my system,

To the next folks on-line,

He caused such disruption,

Could this be a sign?

Then I heard him exclaim,

As he warped out of sight,

Happy Y-2-K to all,

This is a heckuva night!