New Jokes 11/04

Ninety percent of this game is half mental.

Not Yogi -- baseball player Jim Wohlford, KC Royals in the 1970s

How come you get lemonade today which is made with artificial flavor and the furniture polish you get is made with real lemons?

True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

A Few Minutes More

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman, Harrisonburg, Virginia**

A cop was patrolling at night in a well known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car & gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window...

"Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious?

I'm reading a magazine, sir "

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says, "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane, and nothing obscene is happening!

"What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch & replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

On Leaving

Okay. It was clearly evident that about a million people felt like they should go to Canada to escape the New Bush Regime if he won and some may do that. Heck, the Canadian government even published a written invitation! As the Right said during the Vietnam War, "Love it or Leave it." Right.

But one must also wonder what would have happened if Kerry had won. Let's say only 500,000 Bush / Rush Believers were truly committed to the Bush Doctrine of Religiously Motivated Governing and wanted to leave the US since it was obvious that this dogma wasn’t going to play anymore.

But where would they go?

My thinking ruled out Nazi Germany, since that isn't a reality in the enlightened Germany we have today and that existed over 50 years ago. Fascist Italy is also not a reality, since the Italians really get along with one another these days. South Africa no longer has Apartheid so it rules that out.

So, where could a committed religious zealot who felt that religion and government should go hand in hand actually go other than The South or Montana? Heck they could certainly enroll at Bob Jones University (which was recently doing a mission to convert the Catholics in the US to Christianity (really!!) ).

Only one place springs to mind: The MidEast.

Maybe that was really what was behind the US invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan. Maybe this was the real strategy underlying this nonsensical invasion of Iraq after 9/11 – they obviously weren’t involved with the terrorism (heck, why would a dictator want to support anarchists anyway?) and they didn’t have WMD (nut a nice story, huh?).

Maybe, all along, it was actually the long-range plan to establish a new Far Right homeland and an attempt to take over the oil resources and support Big Global Business. Do I hear the words, Bush Religious Theocracy?

6 Minutes Late

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, CA**

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

Newlyweds

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Dave Dukart, Lakewood, Colorado, via Karen Valdez, Denver**

A week after their marriage, these newlyweds from Kentucky paid a visit to their doctor. "I can't figure it out doc, my testicles are turning blue."

The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. He asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed?"

"Yes." she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using?" the doctor then asked.

"Grape." she said.

How to impress with verbiage and buzzwords

Think of any three-digit number, and then select the corresponding buzzword from each column.

COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III

------------------------------------ --------------------

0. integrated 0. management 0. options

1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility

2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability

3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility

4. functional 4. digital 4. programming

5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios

6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase

7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection

8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware

9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency

For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with a sincere ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT!

A woman was holding a séance in hopes of getting in touch with her late husband, who, during his life, had been a waiter in a big swanky restaurant. The candles were lit and the room was silent. The medium went into a trance and soon the table began to make knocking sounds and moving about. “Phil,” she cried, “is that you? Speak to me!”

“I can’t,” said a ghostly voice. “It is not my table.”

Did you hear about the doctor that was skiing and got lost on the slopes.? He stamped out “Help” on a clear area but he died a few hours later. Nobody could read his writing…

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You absolutely cannot get 8 cats to pull a sled through the snow.

What a strange country. When it comes to electing a President, we get two choices. When it comes to electing Miss America, we get 50.

You have the same chance winning the Big Lottery whether you play or not.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

When I was born, I was so surprised that I did not speak for a year and a half.

If God had wanted us to go around naked, he would have made our skin fit better.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.

The trouble with jogging is that it causes problems, like making the ice fall out of your glass.

For many years, it was thought that it is a statistical probability that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know that this is not true.

What is another word for Thesaurus?

If mini-marts are open 365 days a year and 24 hours a day, why do the doors have locks on them?

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His Retirement plan is out of this world.

You Might be a Floridian if:

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park, Minnesota**

You might be a Floridian if:

You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan

Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time

You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color

You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"

Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in"

Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it

You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months

You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster

You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means

You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood

You have a 5 gallon bucket of roofing tar in the garage

You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw

Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted

You now own 5 large ice chests

You can cook "anything" on a propane grill

You own more than two portable propane tanks

Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down"

You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations

You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street

You're depressed when they don't stop

You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer

You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags

You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw

You know what "Bar chain oil" is

You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas

You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable

You own more than one 5 gallon gas can

You know how to "backfeed" 220 through the dryer plug

You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"

Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"

You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric

And finally, you might be a Floridian if:

You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!

Redneck Truisms

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park, Minnesota**

An Alabama redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow. Under state law she can't touch it until she's 14.

Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.

They have just raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

It's true! In Mississippi reruns of Hee Haw are called documentaries.

How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. Yeah, the winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, it pert'near took out the whole trailer park.

A law recently changed in South Carolina and now states: When a couple gets divorced, they can still remain brother and sister.

The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is I-40!

An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?"

A Product Endorsement

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that the detectives, who came by yesterday, told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

Signed, A relieved menopausal wife

Isn't That Precious

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation while waiting in the private American Airlines club at the LAX airport. The 1st lady was an arrogant self-consumed, egotistical Californian married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on if they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious??"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?"

Dr. Phil's test

**Contributed to Swenny’s E-Mail Funnies by Cindy Bigger, Alexandria, Minnesota**

Supposedly, Dr. Phil scored 55 -- he did this test on Oprah -- she got a 38. Don’t be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes.

Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready.

This is supposedly a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers.

======================================

1. When do you feel your best?

a) in the morning

b) during the afternoon and early evening

c) late at night

2. You usually walk...

a) fairly fast, with long steps

b) fairly fast, with little steps

c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face

d) less fast, head down

e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you...

a) stand with your arms folded

b) have your hands clasped

c) have one or both your hands on your hips

d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking

e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with...

a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side

b) your legs crossed

c) your legs stretched out or straight

d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...

a) big appreciated laugh

b) a laugh, but not a loud one

c) a quiet chuckle

d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...

a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you

b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know

c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted......

a) welcome the break

b) feel extremely irritated

c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?

a) Red or orange

b) black

c) yellow or light blue

d) green

e) dark blue or purple

f) white

g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep....

a) stretched out on your back

b) stretched out face down on your stomach

c) on your side, slightly curled

d) with your head on one arm

e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are...

a) falling

b) fighting or struggling

c) searching for something or somebody

d) flying or floating

e) you usually have dreamless sleep

f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6

2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1

3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6

4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1

5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2

6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2

7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4

8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1

9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1

10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS:

Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS:

Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS:

Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS:

Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful, practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it, if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS:

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, slow and steady. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS:

People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions; who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

Scott was a 33…

A Little Quiz

**Contributed to Swenny’s E-Mail Funnies by Stacy Swenson, West Fargo, North Dakota**

How many of these questions can you answer? Are you really THAT observant? The average person only gets 7 right. This is based on U.S. & Canadian info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us really see! There are 27 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives.

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA?

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?

5. What two numbers on the normal U.S. telephone dial don't have letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?

11. Which way does a no smoking sign's slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15. What is on the back of a Canadian dime?

16. How many sides does a stop sign have?

17. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?

18. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

19. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

20. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy,Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?

21. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

22. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?

23. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord to slide them up and down?

24. On the back of a Canadian $1 coin, what is in the center?

25. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?

26. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

27. Does a merry-go-round turn? Counter or clockwise?

ANSWERS

1. Bottom

2. 50 3. Right

4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, gold

5. 1, 0

6. Right

7. 20

8. Red

9. 88

10. Clockwise (north of the equator)

11. Towards bottom right

12. 12 (no #1)

13. Left

14. Clockwise as you look at it

15. The Bluenose

16. 8

17. Left

18. 5

19. 6

20. Bashful

21. 8

22. Ace of spades

23. Left

24. Loon

25. *, #

26. 3

27. Counter

Double Homicide

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, CA**

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

You Just Can't Win

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by David Dukart, Lakewood, Colorado, via Karen Valdez, Denver, CO**

Women just don't get it and when you point it out they still get snotty.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up but then she says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said. "Let's get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

The Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Nelson Mandela's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."

" Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Bigger and Dumber

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Thoughts on Life

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**

1. My Thoughts on Vegetarians.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."

2. My Thoughts on Prisoners.

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

3. My Thoughts on Fabric Softeners.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

4. My Thoughts on morning differences.

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

5. My Thoughts on Grandma

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.

6. My Thoughts on answering machines. Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: Share the love." BEEP "Uh, yeah...this is the infectious disease clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch

out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a

worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't

know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can

write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it

will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that

again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk

or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to

ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster

oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now

we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of

yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.

Sign here." (he he he he he he .......... ouch!)

MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED

(Research done by the AARP Legal Department)

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**

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Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made

to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.

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Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.

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Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.

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Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.

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Q. Will health care be different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then

Retired Parking Ticket

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman, Harrisonburg, VA**

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of horse crap. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.. the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a crap. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

Two Old Drunks

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**

Two old drunks were drinking in the pub together, when the first one says, "You know, Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm 60 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So, " says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"The point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."

Liberals

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lindsey Johnson Suddarth, Mendon, Vermont**

Day in the Life of Joe, Middle-Class Conservative by John Gray Cincinnati

Joe gets up at 6:00 a.m. to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and work as advertised.

All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; his bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

It's noon time, Joe needs to make a Bank Deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime.

Joe is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dad's; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification (those rural Republicans would still be sitting in the dark). He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.

After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home. He turns on a radio talk show, and the host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. (He doesn't tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day) Joe agrees, "We don't need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I'm a self made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."

by John Gray

Cincinnati, Ohio - jgray7@cinci.rr.com - Published July - 2004

Bad Day

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**

Today I got up early as usual. When I was going to have breakfast I slipped on the stairs and got a big bump on my head.

To calm me down, my wife gave me a cup of coffee; I burned my tongue because it was too hot.

I put a slice of bread in the toaster and when I went to get it out I got an electric shock that sent me on my behind.

The telephone rang, it was the office just to tell me that last night the safe was broken into.

I decided this was a good time to take a nice hot shower and meditate in order to bring down my stress and relax. That is when it happened..........

Bad day

Today I got up early as usual. When I was going to have breakfast I slipped on the stairs and got a big bump on my head.

To calm me down, my wife gave me a cup of coffee; I burned my tongue because it was too hot.

I put a slice of bread in the toaster and when I went to get it out I got an electric shock that sent me on my behind.

The telephone rang, it was the office just to tell me that last night the safe was broken into.

I decided this was a good time to take a nice hot shower and meditate in order to bring down my stress and relax. That is when it happened..........

How to Call the Police

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Al Queda in the South

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman, Harrisonburg, Virginia**

The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, Florida, Tennessee and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls.

The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas.

So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the following children:

Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba

Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit

Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba

Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba

Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat

Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl

Linda Sue Bin There Dundat

Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have sprung from one couple:

Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin

In the Beginning…

In the beginning . . . God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme.

And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!"

And Woman said: "I'll have one too, with sprinkles." And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad!"

And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak--so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"

And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: "It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then . . . Satan chuckled . . . ......... created HMOs.

Redneck Church

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota**

Courtesy of Slashdot

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jeff Reither, Amery, Wisconsin**

Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address.. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from.

Add to that a large database of company/college. Acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:

Top ten actual E-mail Addresses

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu

9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu

8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu

7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu

6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu

5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton, Canada) -

btkisser@bendover.com

4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com

3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu

2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

but at No 1, it had to be...

1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...

the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering", and five guys and two women stand up.

opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "branding".

high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call..

the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, yeh Hear"

Olympic Comments

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Dave Martin, Ohio, via Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado**

Did you miss these during the Olympic Broadcasts? Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

A Short Story by a Clever Blonde

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Todd Jacobson, Fargo, North Dakota**

The blonde college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+. This is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."

Vices

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Oswaldo Mera, Guttenberg, New Jersey**

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat! shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

Leroy and the Alligator

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**

A filthy rich man in South Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft. man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in the pool with him."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."

GREEK SECURITY TEAM FAILS TO NOTICE GIANT HORSE

Mysterious Wooden Structure Causing Pre-Olympic Jitters

Olympic security officials in Athens, Greece conceded today that they had failed to notice a giant wooden horse that had been wheeled to within meters of the Olympic stadium sometime late last week. The sudden appearance of the gigantic horse, which was said to measure over one hundred cubits in width, has raised fresh concerns that the security around the Olympic complex might be more porous than originally thought.

"When you're spending over $1.5 billion in security, quite frankly, somebody shouldn't be able to wheel a giant wooden horse right up to your stadium," said one U.S. official today.

But Thanasis Kyriakou, who is coordinating the security efforts for the 2004 Olympics, said that the horse, while of unknown origin, posed no serious security threat to the Games, which are set to begin in three days.

"If anything, this gigantic horse is only bringing more attention to the Olympics," he said. "I see this horse as a tremendous gift." Sharply disagreeing with Mr. Kyriakou is NBC Sports Chairman Ebersol, who said that the unplanned presence of a gigantic horse could ruin his network's coverage of the Games.

"It's wrecking all of our camera angles," Mr. Ebersol said. "Everywhere you look, there's that dopey horse in the background."

For his part, Mr. Kyriakou believes that the enormous horse could enhance viewership of the Olympics and has even recommended wheeling the mysterious wooden structure into the stadium itself.

"I say let the horse in," he said. "What's the worst that could happen?"

THE DANGERS OF SWITCHING JOBS

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman, Harrisonburg, Virginia**

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Truisms

Contributed to Swenny´s E'Mail Funnies by Dave Dukart, via Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

10. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

You might be a Writer If

Romance means finding a way to keep two people apart for at least 10 chapters.

Character describes an ongoing multiple-personality disorder and not your personal ethics.

The bookstore cashier knows your full name and phone number by heart, but you have to show ID to write a check at the grocery store.

Criticism is something you hope for before publication,

and ignore after publication.

Feedback doesn't mean your holding the microphone wrong,

but can be just as painful.

Dialogue is the manifestation of all the voices jabbering in your head.

A Galley isn't a place to eat on the high seas, but proof you actually

sold a book.

A Hero is a guy you continually try to flaw.

Air, water and food are second to chocolate, caffeine, and a really good pen.

A Heroine is the gal you keep making miserable.

The last conversation you had was with an imaginary person.

A Style Guide is not a measure of how good you look,

but how much you don't know.

Plot isn't where the body is buried, but how they died.

Tone has nothing, and everything, to do with your voice.

Pacing isn't a nervous habit

Outline is not evidence of what size underwear you're wearing.

Point-of-View really has nothing to do with what you think,

but which head your in.

You can't remember what you last ate, but the empty plate still isn't washed.

Proof is easier to plant, than it is to do.

Setting has absolutely nothing to do with how many you expect for dinner.

Bed and breakfast describes your office space.

Compliments about your style don't address the last of the clean laundry you're currently wearing.

Above from Jennifer Turner - Roto-Writer Critique Service

Pampurred

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman, Harrisonburg, Virginia**

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following Multiple Choice test.... No need to keep score. The events are actual cuts from past history. They actually happened! Do you remember?

1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:

a. Olga Corbitt

b. Sitting Bull

c. Arnold Schwarzeneger