New Jokes 11/04

 

Ninety percent of this game is half mental.

        Not Yogi -- baseball player Jim Wohlford, KC Royals in the 1970s

 

 

How come you get lemonade today which is made with artificial flavor and the furniture polish you get is made with real lemons?

 

True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

 

A Few Minutes More

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman, Harrisonburg, Virginia**

 

A cop was patrolling at night in a well known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car & gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window...

 

"Uh, yes, officer?"

 

"What are you doing?"

 

"Well, isn't it obvious?

 

I'm reading a magazine, sir "

 

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says, "And her, what is she doing?"

 

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

 

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane, and nothing obscene is happening!

 

"What's your age, young man?"

 

"I'm 25, sir."

 

"And her ... what's her age?"

 

The young man looks at his watch & replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

 

 

 

On Leaving

 

Okay. It was clearly evident that about a million people felt like they should go to Canada to escape the New Bush Regime if he won and some may do that. Heck, the Canadian government even published a written invitation! As the Right said during the Vietnam War, "Love it or Leave it." Right.

 

But one must also wonder what would have happened if Kerry had won. Let's say only 500,000 Bush / Rush Believers were truly committed to the Bush Doctrine of Religiously Motivated Governing and wanted to leave the US since it was obvious that this dogma wasn’t going to play anymore.

 

But where would they go?

 

My thinking ruled out Nazi Germany, since that isn't a reality in the enlightened Germany we have today and that existed over 50 years ago. Fascist Italy is also not a reality, since the Italians really get along with one another these days. South Africa no longer has Apartheid so it rules that out.

 

So, where could a committed religious zealot who felt that religion and government should go hand in hand actually go other than The South or Montana? Heck they could certainly enroll at Bob Jones University (which was recently doing a mission to convert the Catholics in the US to Christianity (really!!) ).

 

Only one place springs to mind:  The MidEast.

 

Maybe that was really what was behind the US invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan. Maybe this was the real strategy underlying this nonsensical invasion of Iraq after 9/11 – they obviously weren’t involved with the terrorism (heck, why would a dictator want to support anarchists anyway?) and they didn’t have WMD (nut a nice story, huh?).

 

Maybe, all along, it was actually the long-range plan to establish a new Far Right homeland and an attempt to take over the oil resources and support Big Global Business. Do I hear the words, Bush Religious Theocracy?

 

 

 

 

6 Minutes Late

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, CA**

 

There was  a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for  a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning.   George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes  late.

 

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00.  He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and  George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late  again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the  round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always  saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.  The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

 

They  said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and  always win. What is up with that?

 

George replies, ''Well, I am a  very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look  over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed.  If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

 

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''

 

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

 

 

 

Newlyweds

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Dave Dukart, Lakewood, Colorado, via Karen Valdez, Denver**

 

A week after their marriage, these newlyweds from Kentucky paid a visit to their doctor. "I can't figure it out doc, my testicles are turning blue."

 

The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. He asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed?"

 

"Yes." she replied.

 

"And what kind of jelly are you using?" the doctor then asked.

 

"Grape." she said.

 

 

 

 How to impress with verbiage and buzzwords

 

Think of any three-digit number, and then select the corresponding buzzword from each column.

 

COLUMN I              COLUMN II              COLUMN III 

------------------------------------ -------------------- 

0. integrated         0. management       0. options 

1. heuristic           1. organizational     1. flexibility 

2. systematized    2. monitored           2. capability 

3. parallel             3. reciprocal            3. mobility 

4. functional        4. digital                  4. programming 

5. responsive       5. logistical              5. scenarios 

6. optional           6. transitional          6. time-phase 

7. synchronized   7. incremental         7. projection 

8. compatible       8. third-generation  8. hardware 

9. futuristic          9. policy                   9. contingency 

 

For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with a sincere ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A woman was holding a séance in hopes of getting in touch with her late husband, who, during his life, had been a waiter in a big swanky restaurant. The candles were lit and the room was silent. The medium went into a trance and soon the table began to make knocking sounds and moving about. “Phil,” she cried, “is that you? Speak to me!”

 

“I can’t,” said a ghostly voice. “It is not my table.”

 

 

 

Did you hear about the doctor that was skiing and got lost on the slopes.? He stamped out “Help” on a clear area but he died a few hours later. Nobody could read his writing…

 

 

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.

 

Cats are smarter than dogs. You absolutely cannot get 8 cats to pull a sled through the snow.

 

 

What a strange country. When it comes to electing a President, we get two choices. When it comes to electing Miss America, we get 50.

 

 

You have the same chance winning the Big Lottery whether you play or not.

 

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experienced pain and bought jewelry.

        Rita Rudner

 

When I was born, I was so surprised that I did not speak for a year and a half.

 

If God had wanted us to go around naked, he would have made our skin fit better.

 

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.

 

The trouble with jogging is that it causes problems, like making the ice fall out of your glass.

 

For many years, it was thought that it is a statistical probability that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know that this is not true.

 

 

What is another word for Thesaurus?

 

If mini-marts are open 365 days a year and 24 hours a day, why do the doors have locks on them?

 

 

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:   

 

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

 

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

 

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

 

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

 

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

 

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

 

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

 

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

 

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

 

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

 

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

 

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

 

Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His Retirement plan is out of this world.

 

 

 

You Might be a Floridian if:

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park, Minnesota**

 

 You might be a Floridian if:

 

You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan

 

Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time

 

You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color

 

You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"

 

Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in"

 

Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it

 

You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months

 

You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster

 

You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means

 

You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood

 

You have a 5 gallon bucket of roofing tar in the garage

 

You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw

 

Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted

 

You now own 5 large ice chests

 

You can cook "anything" on a propane grill

 

You own more than two portable propane tanks

 

Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down"

 

You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations

 

You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street

 

You're depressed when they don't stop

 

You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer

 

You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags

 

You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw

 

You know what "Bar chain oil" is

 

You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas

 

You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable

 

You own more than one 5 gallon gas can

 

You know how to "backfeed" 220 through the dryer plug

 

You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"

 

Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"

 

You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric

 

And finally, you might be a Floridian if:

 

You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!

 

Redneck Truisms

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park, Minnesota**

 

An Alabama redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow. Under state law she can't touch it until she's 14.

Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.

They have just raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

It's true! In Mississippi reruns of Hee Haw are called documentaries.

How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. Yeah, the winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, it pert'near took out the whole trailer park.

A law recently changed in South Carolina and now states: When a couple gets divorced, they can still remain brother and sister.

The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is I-40!

An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?"

 

 

A Product Endorsement

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**

 

Dear Tide:

 

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have!  I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

 

Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

 

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that the detectives, who came by yesterday, told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!

 

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

 

Signed, A relieved menopausal wife

 

 

 

Isn't That Precious

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**

 

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation while waiting in the private American Airlines club at the LAX airport. The 1st lady was an arrogant self-consumed, egotistical Californian married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

 

When the conversation centered on if they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

 

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

 

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

 

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

 

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

 

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious??"

 

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

 

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

 

"Charm school??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"

 

The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?"

 

 

Dr. Phil's test

 

**Contributed to Swenny’s E-Mail Funnies by Cindy Bigger, Alexandria, Minnesota**

 

Supposedly, Dr. Phil scored 55 -- he did this test on Oprah -- she got a 38.  Don’t be overly sensitive!  The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes.

 

 Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready.

 

 This is supposedly a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees.  It's only 10 simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers.

 

 ======================================

 1. When do you feel your best?

 a) in the morning

 b) during the afternoon and early evening

 c) late at night

 

 2. You usually walk...

 a) fairly fast, with long steps

 b) fairly fast, with little steps

 c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face

 d) less fast, head down

 e) very slowly

 

 3. When talking to people you...

 a) stand with your arms folded

 b) have your hands clasped

 c) have one or both your hands on your hips

 d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking

 e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

 

 4. When relaxing, you sit with...

 a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side

 b) your legs crossed

 c) your legs stretched out or straight

 d) one leg curled under you

 

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...

 a) big appreciated laugh

 b) a laugh, but not a loud one

 c) a quiet chuckle

 d) a sheepish smile

 

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...

 a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you

 b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know

 c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

 

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted......

 a) welcome the break

 b) feel extremely irritated

 c) vary between these two extremes

 

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?

 a) Red or orange

 b) black

 c) yellow or light blue

 d) green

 e) dark blue or purple

 f) white

 g) brown or gray

 

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep....

 a) stretched out on your back

 b) stretched out face down on your stomach

 c) on your side, slightly curled

 d) with your head on one arm

 e) with your head under the covers

 

10. You often dream that you are...

 a) falling

 b) fighting or struggling

 c) searching for something or somebody

 d) flying or floating

 e) you usually have dreamless sleep

 f) your dreams are always pleasant

 

POINTS:

 1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6

 

 2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1

 

 3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6

 

 4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1

 

 5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2

 

 6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2

 

 7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4

 

 8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1

 

 9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1

 

 10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

 

 Now add up the total number of points.

 

 OVER 60 POINTS:

Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant.  Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

 

 51 TO 60 POINTS:

 Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure.   They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

 

 41 TO 50 POINTS:

 Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

 

 31 TO 40 POINTS:

 Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful, practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends  too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return.  Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it, if that trust is ever broken.

 

 21 TO 30 POINTS:

 Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, slow and steady. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

 

 UNDER 21 POINTS:

 

 People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions; who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

 

 

Scott was a 33…

 

 

 

A Little Quiz

 

**Contributed to Swenny’s E-Mail Funnies by Stacy Swenson, West Fargo, North Dakota**

 

How many of these questions can you answer? Are you really THAT observant? The average person only gets 7 right.  This is based on U.S. & Canadian info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us really see! There are 27 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives.

 

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA?

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?

5. What two numbers on the normal U.S. telephone dial don't have letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?

11. Which way does a no smoking sign's slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15. What is on the back of a Canadian dime?

16. How many sides does a stop sign have?

17. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?

18. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

19. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

20. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy,Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?

21. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

22. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?

23. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord to slide them up and down?

24. On the back of a Canadian $1 coin, what is in the center?

25. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?

26. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

27. Does a merry-go-round turn?  Counter or clockwise?

 

ANSWERS

1. Bottom

2. 50  3. Right

 4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black,  gold

 5. 1, 0

 6. Right

 7. 20

 8. Red

 9. 88

 10. Clockwise (north of the equator)

 11. Towards bottom right

 12. 12 (no #1)

 13. Left

 14. Clockwise as you look at it

 15. The Bluenose

 16. 8

 17. Left

 18. 5

 19. 6

 20. Bashful

 21. 8

 22. Ace of spades

 23. Left

 24. Loon

 25. *, #

 26. 3

 27. Counter

 

 

 

Double Homicide

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, CA**

 

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

 

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

 

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

 

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

 

 

 

 

You Just Can't Win

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by David Dukart, Lakewood, Colorado, via Karen Valdez, Denver, CO**

 

Women just don't get it and when you point it out they still get snotty.

 

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up but then she says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

 

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

 

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said. "Let's get a pair for each outfit."

 

We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

 

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

 

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

 

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

 

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

 

 

The Lie Clock

 

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

 

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

 

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

 

"That's Nelson Mandela's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."

 

" Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

 

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

 

Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

 

Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

 

 

Bigger and Dumber

 

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

 

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

 

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

 

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

 

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

 

 

 

Thoughts on Life

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**

 

1. My Thoughts on Vegetarians.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."

 

2. My Thoughts on Prisoners.

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

 

3. My Thoughts on Fabric Softeners.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

 

4. My Thoughts on morning differences.

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

 

5. My Thoughts on Grandma

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.

 

6. My Thoughts on answering machines. Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: Share the love." BEEP "Uh, yeah...this is the infectious disease clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back.  Stop sharing the love.."

 

 

 

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

 

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch

out after you wear them awhile."

 

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a

worthless document."

 

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

 

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second?  In case you didn't

know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

 

"So you don't know how fast you were going.  I guess that means I can

write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

 

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it

will help.  Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

 

"Warning!  You want a warning?  O.K., I'm warning you not to do that

again or I'll give you another ticket."

 

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk

or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

 

"Fair?  You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to

ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

 

"Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster

oven."

 

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

 

"Just how big were those two beers?"

 

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to have quotas but now

we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

 

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of

yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

 

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right, we don't.

Sign here."  (he he he he he he .......... ouch!)

 

 

MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED

 (Research done by the AARP Legal Department)

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

 Q. What does HMO stand for?

 

 A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept  pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a  patient could be made

to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

 

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer  will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

 Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

 

 A. No. Only those you need.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

 Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

 

 A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

 Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

 

 A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

 Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.I  tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

 

 A. Poke yourself in the eye.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

 

 A. You really shouldn't do that.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

 Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem.   Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?

 

 A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

 Q. Will health care be different in the next century?

 

 A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then

 

 

 

Retired Parking Ticket

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman, Harrisonburg, VA**

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.  I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"

 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.

 

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of horse crap. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

 

This went on for about 20 minutes.. the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a crap. My car was parked around the corner.

 

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

 

 

 

Two Old Drunks

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**

 

Two old drunks were drinking in the pub together, when the first one says, "You know, Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.  By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm 60 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

 

"So, " says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

 

"The point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."

 

 

 

 

Liberals

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lindsey Johnson Suddarth, Mendon, Vermont**

 

Day in the Life of Joe, Middle-Class Conservative by John Gray Cincinnati

 

Joe gets up at 6:00 a.m. to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and work as advertised.

 

All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

 

Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; his bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

 

Joe begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

 

It's noon time, Joe needs to make a Bank Deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Depression.

 

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime.

 

Joe is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dad's; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification (those rural Republicans would still be sitting in the dark). He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.

 

After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home. He turns on a radio talk show, and the host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. (He doesn't tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day) Joe agrees, "We don't need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I'm a self made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."

 

by John Gray

     Cincinnati, Ohio - jgray7@cinci.rr.com - Published July - 2004

 

 

Bad Day

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**

          

Today I got up early as usual.  When I was going to have breakfast I slipped on the stairs and got a big bump on my head.

 

To calm me down, my wife gave me a cup of coffee; I burned my tongue because it was too hot.

 

I put a slice of bread in the toaster and when I went to get it out I got an electric shock that sent me on my behind.

 

The telephone rang, it was the office just to tell me that last night the safe was broken into.

 

I  decided  this was a good time to take a nice hot shower and meditate in order to bring down my stress and relax.  That is when it happened..........

 

Bad day              

Today I got up early as usual.  When I was going to have breakfast I slipped on the stairs and got a big bump on my head.

 

 

To calm me down, my wife gave me a cup of coffee; I burned my tongue because it was too hot.

 

I put a slice of bread in the toaster and when I went to get it out I got an electric shock that sent me on my behind.

 

The telephone rang, it was the office just to tell me that last night the safe was broken into.

 

I  decided  this was a good time to take a nice hot shower and meditate in order to bring down my stress and relax.  That is when it happened..........

 

 

 

 

How to Call the Police

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**

 

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when available.

 

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

 

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

 

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

 

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

 

Al Queda in the South

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman, Harrisonburg, Virginia**

 

The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, Florida, Tennessee and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls.

 

The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas.

 

So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the following children:

 

Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba

Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit

Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba

Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba

Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat

Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl

Linda Sue Bin There Dundat

 

Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have sprung from one couple:

 

Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin

 

 

 

 

In the Beginning…

 

In the beginning . . . God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

 

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme.

 

And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!"

 

And Woman said: "I'll have one too, with sprinkles." And lo they gained 10 pounds.

 

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

 

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

 

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad!"

 

And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

 

God then said: "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

 

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak--so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

 

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

 

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

 

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

 

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

 

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

 

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

 

And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"

 

And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: "It is good."

 

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

 

And then . . . Satan chuckled . . . ......... created HMOs.

 

 

Redneck Church

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota**

 

 

Courtesy of Slashdot

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jeff Reither, Amery, Wisconsin**

 

Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address.. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from.

 

Add to that a large database of company/college.  Acronyms and you have some very funny addresses.  Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:

 

Top ten actual E-mail Addresses

 

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) -  eatonsht@dku.edu

9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu

8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) -    kissinfk@lvu.edu

7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu

6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu

5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton, Canada) -

     btkisser@bendover.com

4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) -  ihadcock@tru.com

3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) -  cumminme@fu.edu

2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

 

but at No 1, it had to be...

 

1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com

 

 

 

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...

 

the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

 

people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

 

when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering",  and five guys and two women stand up.

 

opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

 

a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

 

the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

 

in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

 

 Baptism is referred to as "branding".

 

high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

 

people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

 

the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

 

the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

 

the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

 

instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call..

 

the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

 

the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

 

"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

 

the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, yeh Hear"

 

 

 

 

Olympic Comments

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Dave Martin, Ohio, via Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado**

 

Did you miss these during the Olympic Broadcasts?  Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

 

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

 

 

A Short Story by a Clever Blonde

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Todd Jacobson, Fargo, North Dakota**

 

The blonde college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

 

She was the only one who received an A+.  This is what she wrote:

 

"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."

 

 

 

Vices

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Oswaldo Mera, Guttenberg, New Jersey**

 

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was Homosexual.

 

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

 

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

 

The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

 

His companions, somewhat! shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.  The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

 

 

Leroy and the Alligator

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**

 

A filthy rich man in South Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

 

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

 

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft. man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in the pool with him."

 

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

 

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

 

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

 

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

 

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

 

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

 

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no.

 

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

 

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."

 

 

GREEK SECURITY TEAM FAILS TO NOTICE GIANT HORSE

Mysterious Wooden Structure Causing Pre-Olympic Jitters

 

Olympic security officials in Athens, Greece conceded today that they had failed to notice a giant wooden horse that had been wheeled to within meters of the Olympic stadium sometime late last week. The sudden appearance of the gigantic horse, which was said to measure over one hundred cubits in width, has raised fresh concerns that the security around the Olympic complex might be more porous than originally thought.

 

"When you're spending over $1.5 billion in security, quite frankly, somebody shouldn't be able to wheel a giant wooden horse right up to your stadium," said one U.S. official today.

 

But Thanasis Kyriakou, who is coordinating the security efforts for the 2004 Olympics, said that the horse, while of unknown origin, posed no serious security threat to the Games, which are set to begin in three days.

 

"If anything, this gigantic horse is only bringing more attention to the Olympics," he said. "I see this horse as a tremendous gift." Sharply disagreeing with Mr. Kyriakou is NBC Sports Chairman Ebersol, who said that the unplanned presence of a gigantic horse could ruin his network's coverage of the Games.

 

"It's wrecking all of our camera angles," Mr. Ebersol said. "Everywhere you look, there's that dopey horse in the background."

 

For his part, Mr. Kyriakou believes that the enormous horse could enhance viewership of the Olympics and has even recommended wheeling the mysterious wooden structure into the stadium itself.

 

"I say let the horse in," he said. "What's the worst that could happen?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE DANGERS OF SWITCHING JOBS

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman, Harrisonburg, Virginia**

 

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.  The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.  For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

 

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.  Today is my first day driving a cab.  I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

 

 

 

Truisms

 

Contributed to Swennyęs E'Mail Funnies by Dave Dukart, via Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

 

2.  Marriage changes passion.  Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

 

3.  I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.  So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

 

4.  How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

 

5.  A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

 

6.  I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.  If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

 

7.  When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

 

8.  Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

 

9.  Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

 

10.    Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

 

 

 

 

You might be a Writer If

 

Romance means finding a way to keep two people apart for at least 10 chapters.

 

Character describes an ongoing multiple-personality disorder and not your personal ethics.

 

The bookstore cashier knows your full name and phone number by heart, but you have to show ID to write a check at the grocery store.

 

Criticism is something you hope for before publication,

and ignore after publication.

 

Feedback doesn't mean your holding the microphone wrong,

but can be just as painful.

 

Dialogue is the manifestation of all the voices jabbering in your head.

 

A Galley isn't a place to eat on the high seas, but proof you actually

sold a book.

 

A Hero is a guy you continually try to flaw.

 

Air, water and food are second to chocolate, caffeine, and a really good pen.

 

A Heroine is the gal you keep making miserable.

 

The last conversation you had was with an imaginary person.

 

A Style Guide is not a measure of how good you look,

but how much you don't know.

 

Plot isn't where the body is buried, but how they died.

 

Tone has nothing, and everything, to do with your voice.

 

Pacing isn't a nervous habit

 

Outline is not evidence of what size underwear you're wearing.

 

Point-of-View really has nothing to do with what you think,

but which head your in.

 

You can't remember what you last ate, but the empty plate still isn't washed.

 

Proof is easier to plant, than it is to do.

 

Setting has absolutely nothing to do with how many you expect for dinner.

 

Bed and breakfast describes your office space.

 

Compliments about your style don't address the last of the clean laundry you're currently wearing.

 

Above from Jennifer Turner - Roto-Writer Critique Service

 

 

 

 

Pampurred

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman, Harrisonburg, Virginia**

 

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

 

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

 

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

 

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

 

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

 

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

 

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

 

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

 

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

 

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

 

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

 

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

 

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

 

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

 

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

 

 

 

Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following Multiple Choice test.... No need to keep score.  The events are actual cuts from past history.  They actually happened!  Do you remember?

 

 

1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:

        a. Olga Corbitt

        b. Sitting Bull

        c. Arnold Schwarzeneger

        d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:

        a. Lost Norwegians

        b. Elvis

        c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women

        d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

3. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:

        a. John Dillinger

        b. The King of Sweden

        c. The Boy Scouts

        d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:

        a. A pizza delivery boy

        b. Pee Wee Herman

        c. Geraldo Rivera

        d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year-old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:

        a. The Smurfs

        b. Davy Jones

        c. The Little Mermaid

        d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:

        a. Captain Kidd

        b. Charles Lindberg

        c. Mother Teresa

        d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:

        a. Scooby Doo

        b. The Tooth Fairy

        c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid

        d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:

        a. Richard Simmons

        b. Grandma Moses

        c. Michael Jordan

        d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:

 

        a. Mr. Rogers

        b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems

        c. The World Wrestling Federation

        d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 

 

10. In 2000, the U.S.S. Cole was attacked and 17 sailors were killed by:

 

  a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd

        b. The Supreme Court of Florida

        c. Mr. Bean

        d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:

        a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd

        b. The Supreme Court of Florida

        c. Mr. Bean

        d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:

        a. Enron

        b. The Lutheran Church

        c. The NFL

        d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:

        a. Bonnie and Clyde

        b. Captain Kangaroo

        c. Billy Graham

        d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 

 

  14. In 2004 American workers were kidnapped, tortured, murdered, burned and hung on a bridge for display by:

 

       a. Walt Disney

            b. Spiderman

            c. George Washington

            d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 

 

 

 

15.  In 2004 American worker Nick Berg was kidnapped and had his head sawed off with an 10 inch blade while he was alive and awake by:

 

a. Hans Christian Anderson

            b. Batman

            c. Andrew Jackson

            d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 

 

  16. In 2004 American soldier Keith Maupin was kidnapped and had his head sawed off with a knife while he was alive and awake by:

 

a. Porky Pig

      b. Ms Piggy

      c. Kermitt

      d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 

 

  17. In 2004 American businessman Paul Johnson was kidnapped and has his head sawed off with an 8 inch blade while he was alive and awake by:

 

a. Superman

      b. The Joker

      c. The Penguin

      d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 

 

  18. In 2004 Korean worker Kim Sun-Il was kidnapped and had his head sawed off by a 10 inch knife while alive and awake by:

 

a. The Grim Reaper

      b. The Temptations

      c. Adolf Hitler

      d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 

 

Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you?

 

So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people.  They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning former Governors, and leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 &40  alone because of profiling.

 

Let's send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Aldreds and other dunder-headed attorneys along with Federal Justices that want to thwart common sense, feel doubly ashamed of themselves if they have any such sense.

 

As the writer of the award winning story "Forrest Gump" so aptly put it, "Stupid is as stupid does."

 

 

 

Two Old Drunks

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**

 

Two old drunks were drinking in the pub together, when the first one says, "You know, Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.  By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm 60 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

 

"So, " says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

 

"The point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."

 

 

 

 

More things that make you go "Hmmm..."

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Stephen Papa, New York City, New York**

 

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

 

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

 

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

 

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

 

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

 

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

 

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

 

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

 

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

 

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

 

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

 

A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense.

 

A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

 

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

 

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

 

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

 

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

 

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Foxworthy on "Vermont"

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lindsey Johnson Suddarth, Mendon, Vermont, with the following note: "Thought you might enjoy this funny perspective on Vermont sent to me by a friend who also transplanted to Vermont!  How true!"**

 

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Vermont.

 

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Jericho is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Vermont.

 

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Vermont

 

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Vermont.

 

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Vermont.

 

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead you might live in Vermont.

 

If you often hear people say that "you can't get there from here."

 

You know what a flatlander is.

 

Larry, Daryl and Daryl didn't offend you because they live down the road from you.

 

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Vermont.

 

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Vermont.

 

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Vermont.

 

 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Vermonter WHEN:

 

1. "Vacation" means going  east past I-91 for the weekend.

 

2. You measure distance in hours.

 

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

 

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

 

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

 

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

 

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

 

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

 

9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

 

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

 

11. You know that  the "5th" season is* Mud Season

 

12. You can identify a southern or western accent.

 

13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

 

14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

 

15. Down South to you means Connecticut or Maryland.

 

16. You have no idea what scrapple is, and don't want to.

 

17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.

 

18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.

 

19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

 

20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

 

21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly.

 

22. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Vermont friends.

 

Motto:  Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.........

 

My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February   and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.......the balance had been $0.00.......now was somewhere around $60.00

 

 I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

 

 Me:   I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

 

 CitiBank:  "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

 

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

 

CitiBank:  "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

 

 Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

 

CitiBank:  "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

 

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

 

CitiBank: "...excuse me?"

 

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

 

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

 

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

 

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

 

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

 

(After they get the fax.)

 

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

 

Me:   "Oh..."

 

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

 

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

 

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

 

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

 

CitiBank:  "That might help."

 

Me:  " (Odessa   Memorial   Cemetery   #### Hwy 129 and plot number given.)

 

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

 

Me:  "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

 

 

 

 

Old Man

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**

 

A little old man shuffled.......  slooooowly into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself............... slooooowly......... painfully........... up onto a stool.

 

After catching his breath....................... he ordered a banana split.

 

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

 

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

 

 

 

 

 

Pecans In The Cemetery

======================

 

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old

pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.  One day,

two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by

the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

 

"One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me,"

said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward

the fence.

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.

 As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside

the cemetery.He slowed down to investigate.  Sure

enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for

you, one for me." He just knew what it was.  He jumped

back on his bike and rode off. Just

around the bend he met an old man with a cane,

hobbling along.

 

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe

what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the

cemetery dividing up the souls."

 

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard

for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man

hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they

heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for

 

me..."

 

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the

truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."  Shaking

with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were

still unable to see anything.

 

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars

of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get

a glimpse of the Lord.

 

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's

all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and

we'll be done."

 

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5

minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

 

 

 

 

 A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly,sees them and  hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

 

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here."  The man says,

"Yes, it is."  Boy - "I have a baseball."  Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"   Man - "No, thanks."  Boy - "My dad's outside." 

Man - "OK, how much?"   Boy - "$250" 

 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.   Boy - "Dark in here."   Man - "Yes, it is."    Boy - "I have a baseball glove."    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,   "How much?" Boy - "$750"    Man - "Fine."  

 

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

 

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"   The boy says - "$1,000".  The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that  is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

 

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. 

 

The boy says, "Dark in here."  

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

 

 

Drug Problem

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lynne Lentz, Kalamazoo, Michigan**

 

My generation just might have been lucky.  I had a drug problem when was young, but I turned out all right. I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions no matter the weather. I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every weekday. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents. Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem, the world might be a better place.

 

Signed,

An Old Fart

 

 

 

You know you live in California when

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**

 

 1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

 

 2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can't afford a house.

 

 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a  conversation in English.

 

 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

 

 5. You can't remember.is pot illegal?

 

 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

 

 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

 

 8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

 

 9. You can't remember if pot is illegal?

 

 10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

 

 11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

 

 12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

 

 13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

 

 14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

 

 15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

 

 16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

 

 17 You can't remember if pot is illegal.

 

 18. Its barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH

 2004."

 

 19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.

 

 20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their Cell

 Phones and PDA's.

 

 21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the

 weather-related accidents.

 

 22. Hey! Really, Is Pot Illegal????

 

 23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

 

 24. The Terminator is your governor.

 

 

Hellmann's Mayonnaise and the Titanic

 

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

 

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

 

This national day of mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

 

 

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today.

 

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

 

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

 

3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

 

4. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

 

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

 

6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

 

7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

 

8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

 

9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

 

10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

 

11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

 

12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

 

13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

 

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

 

15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war not approved by the Congress in which thousands die is a solid defense policy.

 

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

 

17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving and service records are none of our business.

 

18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

 

19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

 

20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because! the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

 

Feel free to pass these on. If you don't send them to at least ten other people, we're likely to be stuck with Bush for 4 more years.

 

"Back in 2000 a Republican friend warned me that if I voted for Al Gore and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose millions of jobs, and our military would be totally over stretched. You know what? I did vote for Gore, he didn't win, and I'll be damned if all those things didn't come true!"

 

-- James Carville

 

 

 

 

 

Imagine

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**

 

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

 

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

 

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

 

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

 

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

 

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

 

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

 

A beggar asked me for 50Ę for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

 

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

 

They told me I was gullible . and I believed them.

 

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

 

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

 

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

 

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

 

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

 

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

 

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

 

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

 

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

 

How can there be self-help "groups"?

 

Is there another word for synonym?

 

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

 

The speed of time is one-second per second.

 

Is it possible to be totally partial?

 

What's another word for thesaurus?

 

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

 

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

 

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

 

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

 

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

 

 

 

Telephone Troubles - A true story of diagnostic analysis

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado**

 

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

 

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

 

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

 

This, of course, does demonstrate conclusively that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 

 

 

So You Want to Be a Flight Attendant

 

Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Suzie Fuller, via Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado**

 

Chicago Daily Herald, May 16, 2004

Grounded advice for flight attendant wannabes

By Gail Todd

 

Recently, I received e-mail from two readers who thought flying sounded like an exotic career and asked me if I would do it all over again. So when I met two old flying cronies for lunch, I asked them the same question.

 

We put our heads together and came up with a training guide for anyone who is considering a career as a flight attendant and is looking for the adventure of air travel. Here it is:

 

1. Go to a resale store and find an old, navy suit that an army sergeant might have worn. Add a white shirt and a tie. Wear the same outfit for three consecutive days.

 

2. Go to an airport and watch airplanes take off for several hours. Pretend you are standing by for them and they are all full. Go home. Return to the airport the next day and do the same thing again.

 

3. Fill several large boxes with rocks. Lift them over your head and place them on the top shelf of a closet. Slam the door shut until the boxes fit.  Do this until you feel a disk slip in your back.

 

4. Turn on a radio. Be sure to set it between stations so there is plenty of static. Turn on the vacuum cleaner and garbage disposal. Run them all night.

 

5. Remove the covers from several TV entrees. Place them in a hot oven.  Leave the food in the oven until it's completely dried out. Remove the hot trays with your bare hands. Serve to your family. Don't include anything for yourself.

 

6. Serve your family a beverage one hour after they've received their meal.  Make them remain in their seats during this time. Ask them to scream at you and complain about the service.

 

7. Scrounge uneaten rolls off the plates for you to eat two hours later when you're really hungry.

 

8. Place a straight-backed chair in a closet facing a blank wall. Use a belt to strap yourself into it. Eat the rolls you saved from your family's meal.

 

9. Ask your family to use the bathroom as frequently as possible. Tell them to make splashing water a game and see who can leave the most disgusting mess. Clean the bathroom every hour throughout the night.

 

10. Make a narrow aisle between several dining room chairs and randomly scatter your husband's wing-tips and loafers along the way. Turn off the lights and spend the night walking up and down the aisle while banging your shins against the chair legs and tripping over the shoes. Drink several cups of cold coffee to keep yourself awake.

 

11. Gently wake your family in the morning and serve them a cold sweet roll.  Don't forget to smile and wish them a nice day when they leave for work and school.

 

12. After the family leaves, take a suitcase and go out in the yard. If it's not raining, turn on the sprinkling system and stand in the cold for 30 minutes pretending like you're waiting for the crew bus to pick you up. Then go inside and wait by your bedroom door for another 30 minutes for an imaginary maid to make up your room.

 

13. Change into street clothes and shop for five hours. Pick up carry-out food from a local deli. Go back home. Sit on your bed and eat your meal. Set your alarm for 3 a.m. so you'll be ready for your wake-up call.

 

14. Repeat the above schedule for three days in a row and you'll be ready to work your first international trip.

 

Several years ago, on a flight out of Denver, my flying partner was half-buried in a cart trying to rescue the last few entrees from a meal cart. A passenger asked her what she was doing. Without removing her head from the carrier, she responded: "I'm looking for the glamour in this job."

 

And yes, I would do it all over again. So would my flying partners. Go figure.

 

Gail Todd, a free-lance writer, worked as a flight attendant for more than 30 years.

 

 

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota**

 

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

 

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

 

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

 

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

 

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

 

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

 

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

 

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

 

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

 

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

 

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

 

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

 

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

 

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

 

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

 

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

 

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

 

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

 

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

 

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

 

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

 

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

 

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

 

24. Do I look like a people person?

 

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

 

26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left.

 

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

 

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

 

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

 

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

 

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

 

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

 

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

 

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

 

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

 

36. Chaos, panic, &disorder - my work here is done.

 

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

 

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

 

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

 

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

 

 

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Virginia Bray, via Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado**

 

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:

CHICAGO.

 

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window:

NEW YORK.

 

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic:

NEW JERSEY.

 

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:

BOSTON.

 

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap:

LOS ANGELES.

 

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:

INDIANA, but driving in CALIFORNIA.

 

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:

ITALY.

 

One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic:

SEATTLE.

 

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window:

TEXAS.

 

Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:

OKLAHOMA.

 

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the nterstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on:

FLORIDA.

 

One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister:

ARKANSAS.

 

 

 

Thought to be from Steven Wright:

 

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

 

Half the people you know are below average.

 

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

 

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

 

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

 

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 

If everything seems to be going well you have obviously overlooked something.

 

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

 

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

 

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

 

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

 

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

 

 

 

 

Californians

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota**

 

So as to not be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if :

 

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

3. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

4. You can't remember, is pot illegal?

5. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

6. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans  are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

7. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

8  A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

9. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in theU.S,

11. Stan Henry gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps, and you don't even notice.

12. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks' wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

13. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

14. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

15. You can't remember is pot illegal?

16. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

17. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.

18. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are  all busy with their cells or pagers.

19. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an  hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents . . .

20. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????      

21. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

 

and lastly,

22. The Terminator is your governor.

 

 

 

Tide Laundry Detergent

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman, Harrisonburg, Virginia, with the following note:  "People never remember to write in about the good things a product does, always the bad! So this is very refreshing!!"**

 

Dear Tide:

 

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

 

Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!  In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.  My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

 

Well, one thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.  After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!  In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!

 

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

 

Signed,

A relieved menopausal wife

 

 

Some Lessons in Leadership

 

Corporate Lesson 1

 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one

should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps

herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there

stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll

give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a

moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a

few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited

about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back

upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from

the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she

replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes

me?"

 

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to

credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to

prevent avoidable exposure.

 

Corporate Lesson 2

 

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He

stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her

legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look

and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid

his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father,

remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.

He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide

up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went

on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a

bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will

find glory."

 

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might

miss a great opportunity.

 

Corporate Lesson 3

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to

lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out

in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so

I'll give each of you just one. " "Me first! Me first!" says the admin.

clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in

the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says

the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my

personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager

says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

 

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

 

Corporate Lesson 4

 

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw

the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day

long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground

below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the

rabbit and ate it.

 

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be

sitting very high up.

 

Corporate Lesson 5

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to

the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found

that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of

the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second

branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at

the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot

the turkey out of the tree.

 

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't

keep you there.

 

 

 

 

 

A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was

pulled over by a female cop who was also a blonde.

 

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. The driver dug through

her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.  "What does it look

like?" she asked.  The cop replied, "It's square and it has your picture on

it."  The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it

to the cop.  "Here it is," she said.  The blonde cop looked at the mirror,

then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a

cop."

 

Marriage in a Biblical Sense

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Stephen Papa, New York City, New York**

 

The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to: "Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With any forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government."

      

Any religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment to codify marriage on biblical principles:

      

A.    Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)

      

B.    Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines, in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron. 11:21)

      

C.    A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)

      

D.    Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh10:30)

 

E.    Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)

      

F.    If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe. (Gen.38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)

      

The Presidential Prayer Team implores, "...pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government."

 

All we can add is that they should be careful what they wish for because they may get what they want.

 

 

 

Vodka. Who'd  have thunk it??

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Tom Valdez, Sr., Aurora, Colorado, via Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado**

 

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive.

 

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

 

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

 

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting

 

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.

 

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

 

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

 

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

 

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag, and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain, or black eyes..

 

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

 

11. Make your own mouthwash by mixing nine tablespoons powered cinnamon with one cup vodka. Seal in an airtight container for two weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water; rinse your mouth. Don't swallow.

 

12. Using a q-tip, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out.

 

13. If a blister opens, pour vodka over the raw skin as a local anesthetic that also disinfects the exposed dermis.

 

14. To treat dandruff, mix one cup vodka with two teaspoons crushed rosemary, let sit for two days, strain through a coffee filter and massage into your scalp and let dry.

 

15. To treat an earache put a few drops of vodka in your ear. Let set for a few minutes. Then drain. The vodka will kill the bacteria that is causing pain in your ear.

 

16. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

 

17. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

 

18. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

 

19. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

 

20. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

 

21. If all else fails, just turn the bottle up and drink it, nothing will matter anymore anyway!

 

Old Memories

 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

 

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

 

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared

and glared at her. Finally she said

 

  "How soon do you need to know?"

 

 

 

 

Cow Economics – a Global Perspective

 

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.

 

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?

 

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

 

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.

 

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

 

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

 

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

 

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.

 

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.

 

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

 

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give Excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

 

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.

 

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

 

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

 

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.

 

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

 

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.

 

NEW YORK CORPORATION

You have fifteen million cows.

You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

 

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cowsofornia

Most are illegals.

Arnold likes the ones with the big tits.

 

 

 

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman, Harrisonburg, Virginia**

 

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

 

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

 

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

 

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that ?" He said "Because you came home early."

 

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

 

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

 

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

 

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

 

9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

 

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

 

11. I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

 

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

 

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

 

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

 

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

 

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

 

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

 

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

 

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

 

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

 

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

 

22. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother.

 

 

 

 

If Nothing works - Do Nothing!

 

What if I told you that you could do nothing all day and become fabulously wealthy in the process? If you say, "No way!" I say, "Absolutely right." Because now, thanks to my new network marketing company, No Way, you can make a fortune selling boxes of Nothing. I want you to think about all those people who told you that nothing could make you rich and successful. Well, here is your chance to prove them right!

 

I tell you, this is a business opportunity whose time has come, because no matter what your problem is, Nothing will help. For example, Nothing has been proven to cure every disease imaginable. That's right. Studies show that placebos alone are effective in about 20 percent of cases - and what better placebo than Nothing? You can forget about pesky product liability lawsuits. We promise Nothing - and we deliver. How many companies can make that claim?

 

Imagine how refreshing it will be for your friends who have been inundated with multilevel marketing opportunities. You can truthfully tell them you have Nothing to sell - and then sell it to them! Yes, in a world filled with products that are really nothing disguised as something, you call sell something disguised as Nothing. Think of all those pessimystics out there who insist that nothing can help the starving multitudes, nothing call alleviate poverty, nothing can revive our neighbouless 'hoods. I say, let's prove them right and prove them wrong at the same time. Imagine armies of homeless or unemployed young folks selling boxes of Nothing door-to-door. "They told me nothing could get me off the streets," they might say, "and I am hoping they are right. Will you help?"

 

Now why, you might ask, would anyone be interested in buying Nothing? Well, for one thing, most of us already have everything. In fact, we have so much of everything that we don't appreciate nothing. After all, God made the entire Universe from nothing. And the same holds true of our own creations. Every painting begins with an empty canvas, every book with a blank page, every symphony with silence to be filled. As Harry Cohen Baba used to say, "Listen, if you don't know Nothing, you don't know nothing."

 

(Copyrighted Material Reproduced with Author's Permission - Duck Soup for the Soul. Written by Swami Beyondananda. Visit him at www.wakeuplaughing.com

 

 

 

Three Ducks

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**

 

A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar.  He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender.  The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.

 

They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the rest room. He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another.

 

The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation. "Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.

 

"Huey," replied the first duck.

 

"How's your day been, Huey?"

 

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?" said the duck.

 

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

 

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

 

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

 

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!", said the duck in reply.

 

So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

 

"No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had!"

 

 

 

 

 

My Teacher

 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds

a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties

him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top

of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the

bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this

guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably

spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I

saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,

don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no

matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably

very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.

He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought

you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him

it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

 

 

Questions asked of a Cruise Ship director:

1. Does the crew sleep onboard?

2. What time is the midnight buffet?

3. Which elevator takes me to the front of the ship?

4. Do you generate your own electricity?

5. Is this island totally surrounded by water?

6. Is the water in the toilet salt or fresh?

7. What language do they speak in Alaska?

8. What do you do with the ice carvings after they melt?

9. How high above sea level are we?

10. How do we know which pictures are ours?

11. Why did they build the glacier so far out of town?

12. What time do they turn on the Northern Lights?

13. What's the exchange rate for US currency?

14. Is this elephant ivory? (This was asked in a jewelry store

with a display of Alaska native designs. Alaska native ivory

 work is done in walrus ivory because there are no elephants in

Alaska. I suppose it's possible that the tourist didn't know

what it was done in, but it seems pretty obvious to me that

one thing it would not be done in would be elephant ivory.)

 

 

The Newlyweds

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**

 

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on  the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,  "Honey, I'll be  right back."

 

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

 

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

 

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12  different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

 

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they  have  frozen glasses..."

 

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him  by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer  mug  out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding  it.

 

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

 

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in  blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

 

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?... "LISTEN UP, DI*CKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FU*CKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFU*CKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, AS*SHOLE?"

 

And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

 

 

 

Artificial Optimism

 

I love my job, I love the pay!

I love it more and more each day.

I love my boss, he is the best!

I love his boss and all the rest.

 

I love my office and its location,

I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and gray,

And piles of paper that grow each day!

 

I think my job is really swell,

There's nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my peers,

I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

 

I love my computer and its software;

I hug it often though it won't care.

I love each program and every file.

I'd love them more if they worked a while.

 

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.

I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.

I love this work, I love these chores.

I love the meetings with deadly bores.

 

I love my job -- I'll say it again --

I even love those friendly men.

Those friendly men who've come today,

In clean white coats to take me away.

 

 

 

 

 

Mars or Venus

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**

 

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

 

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

 

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

 

 

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, and rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

 

 

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

 

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

 

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

 

WIFE vs. HUSBAND

 

#1

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

 

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

 

#2

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…30,000 to a man's 15,000.

 

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

 

#3

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

 

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

 

#4

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

 

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

 

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

 

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says…"HEBREWS."

 

 

Signs of the Times

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Dave Martin, Ohio, via Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado**

 

IF YOU HAVE BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING -- 'SURELY I CANNOT LOOK THAT OLD,' YOU MAY ENJOY THIS SHORT STORY.

 

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago.

 

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

 

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1972. Why?"

 

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked. "What did you teach?"

 

 

PROFILING

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**

 

 Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following Multiple Choice test.... No need to keep score. The events are actual cuts from past history. They actually happened! Do you remember?

 

 1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:

 a. Olga Corbitt

 b. Sitting Bull

 c. Arnold Schwarzeneger

 d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:

 a. Lost Norwegians

 b. Elvis

 c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women

 d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 3. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:

 a. John Dillinger

 b. The King of Sweden

 c. The Boy Scouts

 d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 4. In 1983, the U. S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:

 a. A pizza delivery boy

 b. Pee Wee Herman

 c. Geraldo Rivera

 d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year-old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair

 by:

 a. The Smurfs

 b. Davy Jones

 c. The Little Mermaid

 d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:

 a. Captain Kidd

 b. Charles Lindberg

 c. Mother Teresa

 d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:

 a. Scooby Doo

 b. The Tooth Fairy

 c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid

 d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:

 a. Richard Simmons

 b. Grandma Moses

 c. Michael Jordan

 d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:

 a. Mr. Rogers

 b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women

 problems!

 c. The World Wrestling Federation

 d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:

 a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd

 b. The Supreme Court of Florida

 c. Mr. Bean

 d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:

 a. Enron

 b. The Lutheran Church

 c. The NFL

 d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:

 a. Bonnie and Clyde

 b. Captain Kangaroo

 c. Billy Graham

 d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

 

 Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you?  So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning former Governors, and leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 & 40 alone because of profiling.  Let's send this to as many people as we can so that those in power and other dunder-headed attorneys along with Federal Justices that want to thwart common sense, feel doubly ashamed of themselves if they have any such sense.

 

As the writer of the award winning story "Forrest Gump" so aptly put it, "Stupid is as stupid does."

 

 

Cajuns Way Down in Lus-e-ana

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**

 

Boudreaux, he live across de bayou from Clarence who he don like a-tall...  not even a little bit. An dat go boff way, too.  Dey all de time yell across de bayou to each other. Boudreaux yell to Clarence, "If I had a way cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat a knot on yo' ugly head, twice! Yeah!"

 

Dis went on fo' years. Finally de state done built a bridge acrost dat bayou right by boff dere houses. Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you say?"  Boudreaux say, "OK," and he start across de bridge but he sees a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go rat back home. 

 

Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"

 

And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge what say, "Clarence 13 ft. 6 in." You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de bayou."

 

 

 

 

SUICIDE  BOMBERS

 

Ever wonder why Middle Eastern Muslim terrorists are so quick

to volunteer on a mission to commit suicide?  Let's just take a

closer look at their lifestyle  ...

 

No premarital sex.

 

No Booze.  None.  Ever.

 

Sand.  @#$%^& sand everywhere!

 

No TV.  No cable TV.    No satellite TV.

 

No Spice channel.  No Playboy channel.  No ESPN.  No Höotérs!

 

No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

 

Sand.  @#$%^&* sand everywhere!

 

No organized sports of any kind.  That's right, no sports!

 

Women are to be completely covered and wear veils.

 

No thongs.    No Victoria's Secret.

 

Very, very few cars.

 

Camels.  Lots of camels.   Stinking, filthy camels.

 

Sand.  @#$%^&* sand everywhere!

 

Ever try to fish at an Oasis?

 

No bass boats.

 

No bass.

 

No fish.

 

Sandstorms.  More @#$%^&* sand everywhere!

 

Rags for clothes and hats.

 

Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips.

 

Eating with your right hand only, because you wipe your bütt with your left.

 

Toilet tissue is unknown.

 

Sand.  @#$%^&* sand everywhere!

 

No Golf.  Just sand traps.

 

Constant wailing next door  ...  no wait, that's music.

 

Praying 5 times a day for what?    More of this life?

 

Oh, and did I mention the sand?

 

And when you die it's supposed to get better.

 

No wonder they volunteer for suicide missions!!!!

 

THE  END

 

(Thanks Teddy Pooh)

 

 

 

 

Union Shop of Horrors

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**

 

 A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las  Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,

 

 "Is this a union house?"

 

 "No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

 

 "Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

 

 "The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

 

 Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."

 

 The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

 

 "The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."

 

 "That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.  "I'd like her for the night."

 

 "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.  Then pointing to an 85 year-old woman in the corner, she continued "but Ethel here has seniority."

 

 

 

 

A Few Smiles..Senility, Bugs and More

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**

 

Father O'Malley answers the phone

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."

                ***********************

CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

                 **********************

BROTHEL TRIP

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

             ***********************************

SENILITY

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up"

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zipdown."

                ***********************

PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.  "Quick," said the woman to her lover,"Into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards!"

 

 

 

Ordering Pizza in 2008

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Stephen Papa, New York City, New York**

 

The way things are going, with those information gathering cards that the grocery stores uses to monitor each of your purchases combined with the mergers in insurance, credit and healthcare, the mis-labeled PATRIOT Act, plus the various efforts of DARPA and other government agencies, the following is not that far out… We begin:

 

 

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?"

 

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

 

Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"

 

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

 

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@ home.net Which number are you calling from, sir?"

 

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

 

Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."

 

Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"

 

Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time"

 

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."

 

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

 

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

 

Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

 

Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"

 

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."

 

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

 

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir.  That's why I made the suggestion."

 

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."

 

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99."

 

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

 

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."

 

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

 

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also."

 

Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

 

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

 

Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?"

 

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday"Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!"

 

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here on September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?"

 

Customer: (Speechless)

 

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

 

Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke."

 

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"

 

 

 

The First Date

 

A young girl was going on her first date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. First, he is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

 

He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that.

 

But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

 

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

 

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced His family..."

 

Granny fainted

 

 

 

CALLING IN SICK

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**

 

Employee:  "I'm sorry but I can't come in today.  My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."

 

Boss:  "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

 

Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

 

 

 

ONE

 

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

 

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

 

TWO

 

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

 

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue as to what had just happened.

 

THREE

 

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

 

FOUR

 

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

 

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

 

FIVE

 

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. "What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

 

SEVEN

 

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

 

EIGHT

 

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

 

NINE

 

I was in a restraurant some time ago. They had fried chicken on the menu and I didn't want anything fried. So I asked the waitress if they had chicken prepared any way other than fried and she said "well, we have chicken-fried steak"!

 

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid "

 

 

Moron Engineers:

 

Understanding Engineers - Take One:

 

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

 

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

 

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Two:

 

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Three:

 

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

 

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

 

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

 

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

 

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

 

The group was silent for a moment.

 

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

 

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

 

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Four:

 

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

 

Understanding Engineers - Take Five:

 

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LITTLE JOHNNY'S SCIENCE EXPERIMENT

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**

 

So Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.

 

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

 

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

 

After one day, these were the results:

 

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - alive.

 

 

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."

 

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said -  "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

 

 

 

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Debbie Lagomarsino, Paso Robles, CA**

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

 

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

 

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

 

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

 

War Dims Hope for Peace

 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

 

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

 

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

 

 

 

Favorite Bumper Stickers

 

* Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

 

* Do I look like a freakin' people person?

 

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

 

* Does your train of thought have a caboose?

 

* Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

 

* Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

 

* Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep.

 

* Back off! You're standing in my aura.

 

* I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

 

* I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

 

* Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap!

 

* Keep honking ... I'm reloading.

 

* Forget about World Peace! Visualize using your turn signal.

 

* The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

 

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

 

 

 

 

How to Get Things Done ~ Robert Benchley

 

A great many people have come up to me and asked me how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated. Hundreds of thousands of people throughout the country are wondering how I have time to do all my painting, engineering, writing and philanthropic work when, according to the rotogravure sections and society notes, I spend all my time riding to hounds, going to fancy-dress balls disguised as Louis XIV, or spelling out GREETINGS TO CALIFORNIA in formation with three thousand Los Angeles school children. "All work and all play," they say.

 

The secret of my incredible energy and efficiency in getting work done is a simple one. I have based it very deliberately on a well-known psychological principle and have refined it so that it is now almost too refined. I shall have to begin coarsening it up again pretty soon.

 

The psychological principle is this: anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

 

Let us see how this works out in practice. Let us say that I have five things which have to be done before the end of the week: (1) a basketful of letters to be answered, some of them dating from October, 1928 (2) some bookshelves to be put up and arranged with books (3) a hair-cut to get (4) a pile of scientific magazines to go through and clip (I am collecting all references to tropical fish that I can find, with the idea of someday buying myself one) and (5) an article to write for this paper.

 

Now. With these five tasks staring me in the face on Monday morning, it is little wonder that I go right back to bed as soon as I have had breakfast, in order to store up health and strength for the almost superhuman expenditure of energy that is to come. Mens sana in corpore sano is my motto.

 

As I lie in bed on Monday morning storing up strength, I make out a schedule. "What do I have to do first?" I ask myself. Well, those letters really should be answered and the pile of scientific magazines should be clipped. And here is where my secret process comes in. Instead of putting them first on the list, I put them last. I say: "First you must write that article for the newspaper." I sometimes go so far in this self-deception as to make out a list in pencil, with "No. 1. Newspaper article" underlined in red. (The underlining in red is rather difficult, as there is never a red pencil on the table beside the bed, unless I have taken one to bed with me on Sunday night.)

 

I then seat myself at my desk with my typewriter before me and sharpen five pencils. (The sharp pencils are for poking holes in the desk-blotter, and a pencil has to be pretty sharp to do that. I find that I can't get more than six holes out of one pencil.) Following this I say to myself "Now, old man! Get at this article!"

 

Gradually the scheme begins to work. My eye catches the pile of magazines, which I have artfully placed on a near-by table beforehand. I write my name and address at the top of the sheet of paper in the typewriter and then sink back. The magazines being within reach, I look to see if anyone is watching me and get one off the top of the pile. Hello, what's this! In the very first one is an article by Dr. William Beebe, illustrated by horrifying photographs! Pushing my chair away from my desk, I am soon hard at work clipping.

 

One of the interesting things about the Argyopelius, or "Silver Hatchet" fish, I find, is that it has eyes in its wrists. I would have been sufficiently surprised just to find out that a fish had wrists, but to learn that it has eyes in them is a discovery so astounding that I am hardly able to cut out the picture.

 

Thus, before the afternoon is half over, I have gone through the scientific magazines and have a neat pile of clippings (including one of a Viper Fish which I wish you could see. You would die laughing). Then it is back to the grind of the newspaper article.

 

This time I get as far as the title, which I write down with considerable satisfaction until I find that I have misspelled one word terribly, so that the whole sheet of paper has to come out and a fresh one be inserted. As I am doing this, my eye catches the basket of letters.

 

Now, if there is one thing that I hate to do (and there is, you may be sure) it is to write letters. But somehow, with the magazine article before me waiting to be done, I am seized with an epistolary fervor, and I slyly sneak the first of the unanswered letters out of the basket. I figure out in my mind that I will get more into the swing of writing the article if I practice on a few letters.

 

This first one, anyway, I really must answer. True, it is from a friend in Antwerp asking me to look him up when I am in Europe in the summer of 1929, so he can't actually be watching the incoming boats for an answer, but I owe something to politeness after all. So instead of putting a fresh sheet of copy-paper into the typewriter, I slip in one of my handsome bits of personal stationery and dash off a note to my friend in Antwerp. Then, being well in the letter-writing mood, I clean up the entire batch.

 

I feel a little guilty about the article, but the pile of freshly stamped envelopes and the bundle of clippings on tropical fish do much to salve my conscience. Tomorrow I will do the article, and no fooling this time.

 

When tomorrow comes I am up with one of the older and more sluggish larks. A fresh sheet of copy-paper in the machine, and my name and address neatly printed at the top, and all before eleven A.M.! "A human dynamo" is the name I think up for myself. I have decided to write something about snake-charming and am already more than satisfied with the title "These Snake-Charming People." But, in order to write about snake-charming, one has to know a little about its history, and where should one go to find history but to a book? Maybe in that pile of books in the corner is one on snake-charming!

 

So, with a perfectly clear conscience, I leave my desk for a few minutes and begin glancing over the titles. Of course, it is difficult to find any book, much less one on snake-charming, in a pile which has been standing in the corner for weeks. What really is needed is for them to be on a shelf where their titles will be visible at a glance. And there is the shelf, standing beside the pile of books! It seems almost like a divine command: "If you want to finish that article, first put up the shelf and arrange the books on it!" Nothing could be clearer or more logical.

 

In order to put up the shelf, the laws of physics have decreed that there must be nails, a hammer and some sort of brackets. You can't just wet a shelf with your tongue and stick it up. And, as there are no nails or brackets in the house, the next thing to do is to put on my hat and go out to buy them. Much as it disturbs me to put off the actual start of the article, I feel that I am doing only what is in the line of duty. As I put on my hat, I realize to my chagrin that I need a hair-cut badly. I can kill two birds with one stone, and stop in at the barber's on the way back. I will feel all the more like writing after a turn in the fresh air. Any doctor would tell me that.

 

So in a few hours I return, spick and span and smelling of lilac, bearing nails, brackets, the evening papers and some crackers and peanut butter. Then it's ho! for a quick snack and a glance through the papers (there might be something in them which would alter what I was going to write about snake-charming) and in no time at all the shelf is up, slightly crooked but up, and the books are arranged in a neat row. There does not happen to be one on snake-charming, but there is a very interesting one containing some Hogarth prints which will bear closer inspection.

 

And so, you see, in two days I have done four of the things I had to do, simply by making believe that it was the fifth that I must do. And the next day, I fix up something else, like taking down the bookshelf and putting it somewhere else, that I have to do, and then I get the fifth one done.

 

The only trouble is that, at this rate, I will soon run out of things to do, and will be forced to get at my newspaper articles the first thing Monday morning.

 

[from Chips off the Old Benchley (c) 1949]

 

 

 

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A

few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking

guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls

asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's

afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the

bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the

little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to

decide what to do.

 

Suddenly, the plane hits a down draft and an uncontrollable

wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold

it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

 

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down,

and sees the vomit all over him.

 

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

 

 

 

 

Happy Valentine's Day

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota**

 

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.

 

1.  Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

 

2.  Thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.

 

3.  Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

 

4.  Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face

 

5.  Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not

 

6.  I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face

 

7.  I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

 

8.  My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life

 

9.  I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming

 

10. My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way

 

11. My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe "go to hell"

 

12. What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

 

Women Over 40

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sherry Stinger, via Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado**

 

Here is a piece written by Andy Rooney ... When he's right, he's right:

 

Andy Rooney says, "As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

 

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

 

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.

 

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a darn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

 

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

 

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

 

 A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

 

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a  woman over 40. They always know.

 

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

 

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

 

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

 

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Ufortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

 

Ladies, I apologize.

ANDY ROONEY

 

 

 

IMPORTANT HOLIDAY NUTRITION TIPS

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Virginia Bray, via Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado**

 

Carrot sticks: Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving fudge.

 

Drink as much eggnog as you can. Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have two. It's Christmas!

 

If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free.

 

Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food.

 

If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of a jolly elf, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.

 

Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

 

Fruitcake? Avoid it at all cost.

 

If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread these tips. But hurry!  Cookieless January is just around the corner.

 

 

 

Mysterious

 

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

 

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

 

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

 

Some were holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

 

Having a Bad Day????

 

 

Texas Volkswagen

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**

 

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

 

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

 

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

 

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

 

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

 

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

 

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

 

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

 

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.  Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

 

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

 

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

 

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

 

"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

 

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"

 

 

 

 


Application For Permission to Date My Daughter, Carrie Simmerman

 

Note:  This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by two letters of recommendation, a current high school transcript, police record, complete financial statement, family history and current medical report.

 

NAME:

Date of Birth:

Phone#:

Weight:

IQ:

Social Security #:

Brain Size (S M L)

Boy Scout Rank:

Religious Training:

Do you have one Male and one Female parent?   

If NO, attach explanation.

Number of years parent's married. 

Any brothers/sisters?  Are they normal?

 

Parent's Names:

Phone #:

Do you have access to a motorcycle? 

Truck with oversize tires? 

Waterbed?

    (If yes to any of these, discontinue and leave premises immediately)

 

Last girl dated:

Phone #:

 

Please use back of paper for your answers to the following:

 

In 50 words or more, what does "Don't touch my daughter mean to you?"

 

In 50 words or more, what does NO mean to you?

 

In 50 words or more, give your definition of "real pain".

 

Music preference (include favorite artists/songs)

Church you attend.  How often to you attend?

When would be the best times to interview your mother, father and minister or priest?

Employment record.

Extracurricular and Community Activities

Leadership positions

 

Please Fill in the Blanks

 

If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my _________

 

If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my _________

 

A woman's place is in the _________

 

The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is _________

 

When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice first is her _________

  (If the answer involves a body part, leave premises immediately,

   keeping your head low, running in a serpentine fashion.)

 

What do you want to be when you grow up?  _________

 

I swear and affirm that all the above information is complete and accurate to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.

 

Signature of applicant __________________

 

Signature of father __________________

 

Signature of mother __________________

 

Signature of minister/priest __________________

 

IN WITNESS WHEREOF I hereby set my hand an official seal:

 

________________

                                                                               Notary Public

 

 

Thank you for your interest.  Please allow 4-6 weeks for processing. 

You will be contacted in writing if approved.  If denied, please do not apply again.  Don't call.  Someone will call you.

 

 

 

 

 

Types of Sex

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**

 

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:

Two men were talking.

"So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

 

LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

 

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

 

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.  The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.  The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.  The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.  "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

 

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

 

WOMEN'S HUMOR

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.  He couldn't get back in.

 

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

 

 

 

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bill Mead, Bethesda, Maryland**

 

  You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

  You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

  You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

  Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

  You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

  Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

  You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

  Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

  Your junior prom had a daycare.

  You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

  You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

  The bluebook value of your truck goes up/down, depending on how much gas is in it.

  You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

  One of your kids was born on a pool table.

  You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

  You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

  You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

  Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

  Somebody hollers, "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

  If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

  If the biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart..

  If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.

  If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler.

  If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

  If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.

  If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

  If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

  If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

 

 

 

THE OLD HOLLYWOOD SQUARES

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**

 

If you remember this show and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are well worth the time it takes to read them.  These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among  you won't know who some of these people are. Go ask your parents..

 

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel:  Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

 

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.  Rose Marie: No, wait until morning..

 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A.  Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A.  Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

 

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

 

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A.  Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

 

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.  What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A.  Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

 

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?

A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A.  Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.

 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.  What are they?

A.  Charley Weaver: His feet.

 

 

 

Coincidence

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**

 

A man sat at a local bar savoring a double martini when an attractive woman sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of vodka and orange juice.

 

The man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

 

" What a coincidence. I'm celebrating too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" she asked.

 

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

 

"What a coincidence", she said. "For years my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

 

"Oh, I switched roosters," he replied.

 

"What a coincidence," she said.

 

 

Wise Farmer

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**

 

A farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which one he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer exclaimed, "This isn't the price you advertised!"

 

The salesman explained how he was getting extras such as power steering, power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that was what took the price up.

 

The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home.  A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"

 

The farmer replied, "Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece, Come and look at them and take your pick."

 

The salesman said he and his son would be right out . After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.

 

The farmer said------"Now wait a minute, that's not the final price of the  cow,  you're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."

 

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

 

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow,,,,,,,,,,

 

BASIC COW....................$500.00

Two-tone exterior.................45.00

Extra stomachs.....................75.00

Product storing equipment....60.00

Straw compartment............120.00

4 spigots @$10 ea..............40.00

Leather upholstery.............125.00

Dual horns..........................45.00

Automatic fly swatter ..........38.00

Fertilizer attachment..........185.00

GRAND TOTAL ........... $1,233.00

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Biker Bar

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Stephen Papa, New York City, New York**

 

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.                                                                

                                                                         

Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.              

                                                                          

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"                                                                

                                                                         

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.                        

                                                                          

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.                                                 

                                                                         

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"                        

                                                                         

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.                                                         

                                                                         

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"                          

                                                                         

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home."

 

 

Three Blonde Detectives

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman, Harrisonburg, Virginia**

 

Three blondes applied for a detectives job.  The detective got up, opened up a file drawer and pulled out a file folder.  Sitting back down, he opened up the file and withdrew a picture and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to "detect."  You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

 

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds.  "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

 

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did.  He has only one eye."

 

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in the picture.  It is a profile of his face.  You're dismissed."  The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

 

The detective then turned to the second blonde and stuck the photo in front of her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you?  Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

 

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

 

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?  This is a profile of the man's face!  Of course you can only see on ear.  You're excused, too!"

 

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

 

The detective turned his attention to the third and the last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..."  He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right.  Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

 

The blonde said, "I did.  This man wears contact lenses."

 

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some papers in the folder.  He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right.  His bio says he wears contacts.  How in the world could you tell by looking at this picture?"

 

The blonde roller her eyes and said, "Duh!  With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

 

 

 

THE OLD HOLLYWOOD SQUARES

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**

 

If you remember this show and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are well worth the time it takes to read them.  These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among  you won't know who some of these people are. Go ask your parents..

 

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel:  Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

 

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.  Rose Marie: No, wait until morning..

 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A.  Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A.  Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

 

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

 

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A.  Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

 

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.  What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A.  Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

 

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?

A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A.  Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.

 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.  What are they?

A.  Charley Weaver: His feet.

 

 

 

Coincidence

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**

 

A man sat at a local bar savoring a double martini when an attractive woman sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of vodka and orange juice.

 

The man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

 

" What a coincidence. I'm celebrating too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" she asked.

 

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

 

"What a coincidence", she said. "For years my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

 

"Oh, I switched roosters," he replied.

 

"What a coincidence," she said.

 

 

Wise Farmer

 

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**

 

A farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which one he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer exclaimed, "This isn't the price you advertised!"

 

The salesman explained how he was getting extras such as power steering, power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that was what took the price up.

 

The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home.  A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"

 

The farmer replied, "Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece, Come and look at them and take your pick."

 

The salesman said he and his son would be right out . After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.

 

The farmer said------"Now wait a minute, that's not the final price of the  cow,  you're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."

 

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

 

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow,,,,,,,,,,

 

BASIC COW....................$500.00

Two-tone exterior.................45.00

Extra stomachs.....................75.00

Product storing equipment....60.00

Straw compartment............120.00

4 spigots @$10 ea..............40.00

Leather upholstery.............125.00

Dual horns..........................45.00

Automatic fly swatter ..........38.00

Fertilizer attachment..........185.00

GRAND TOTAL ........... $1,233.00

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because:

 

    * Our baby cots were covered with brightly colored lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.

    * We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

    * When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels.

    * As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

    * We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.

    * We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

    * We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.

    * We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

    * After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

    * We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

    * We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms.

    * We had friends we went outside and found them. We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.