Ninety percent of this game is half mental.
Not
Yogi -- baseball player Jim Wohlford, KC Royals in the 1970s
How come you get lemonade today which is made with artificial flavor and the furniture polish you get is made with real lemons?
True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
A Few Minutes More
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman,
Harrisonburg, Virginia**
A cop was patrolling at night in a well known spot. He sees a
couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully
approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the
wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the
rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the
car & gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his
window...
"Uh, yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious?
I'm reading a magazine, sir "
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,
"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a
pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car,
at night in a lovers' lane, and nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir."
"And her ... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch & replies:
"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
On Leaving
Okay. It was clearly evident that about a million people felt like
they should go to Canada to escape the New Bush Regime if he won and some may
do that. Heck, the Canadian government even published a written invitation! As
the Right said during the Vietnam War, "Love it or Leave it." Right.
But one must also wonder what would have happened if Kerry had
won. Let's say only 500,000 Bush / Rush Believers were truly committed to the
Bush Doctrine of Religiously Motivated Governing and wanted to leave the US
since it was obvious that this dogma wasnÕt going to play anymore.
But where would they go?
My thinking ruled out Nazi Germany, since that isn't a reality in
the enlightened Germany we have today and that existed over 50 years ago.
Fascist Italy is also not a reality, since the Italians really get along with
one another these days. South Africa no longer has Apartheid so it rules that
out.
So, where could a committed religious zealot who felt that
religion and government should go hand in hand actually go other than The South
or Montana? Heck they could certainly enroll at Bob Jones University (which was
recently doing a mission to convert the Catholics in the US to Christianity
(really!!) ).
Only one place springs to mind: The MidEast.
Maybe that was really what was behind the US
invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan. Maybe this was the real strategy underlying
this nonsensical invasion of Iraq after 9/11 – they obviously werenÕt
involved with the terrorism (heck, why would a dictator want to support
anarchists anyway?) and they didnÕt have WMD (nut a nice story, huh?).
Maybe, all along, it was actually the
long-range plan to establish a new Far Right homeland and an attempt to take
over the oil resources and support Big Global Business. Do I hear the words,
Bush Religious Theocracy?
6 Minutes Late
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San
Francisco, CA**
There was a man named
George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They
asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he
may be 6 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the
round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes
late again. He shows up right on
time, golf's left handed, and wins the
round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late,
and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired
of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ''George,
every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you
show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake
up, I look over at my wife. If she
is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she
is laying on her back?''
George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''
Newlyweds
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Dave Dukart, Lakewood,
Colorado, via Karen Valdez, Denver**
A week after their marriage, these newlyweds from Kentucky paid a
visit to their doctor. "I can't figure it out doc, my testicles are
turning blue."
The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. He
asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed?"
"Yes." she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using?" the doctor then
asked.
"Grape." she said.
How to impress
with verbiage and buzzwords
Think of any three-digit number, and then select the corresponding
buzzword from each column.
COLUMN I
COLUMN II
COLUMN III
------------------------------------ --------------------
0. integrated 0. management 0.
options
1. heuristic 1.
organizational
1. flexibility
2. systematized
2. monitored 2.
capability
3. parallel
3. reciprocal
3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital
4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical
5. scenarios
6. optional 6.
transitional 6.
time-phase
7. synchronized
7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. futuristic 9.
policy
9. contingency
For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical
projection," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with a
sincere ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No one will have the
remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that
THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT!
A woman was holding a sŽance in hopes of getting in touch with her
late husband, who, during his life, had been a waiter in a big swanky
restaurant. The candles were lit and the room was silent. The medium went into
a trance and soon the table began to make knocking sounds and moving about.
ÒPhil,Ó she cried, Òis that you? Speak to me!Ó
ÒI canÕt,Ó said a ghostly voice. ÒIt is not my table.Ó
Did you hear about the doctor that was skiing and got lost on the
slopes.? He stamped out ÒHelpÓ on a clear area but he died a few hours later.
Nobody could read his writingÉ
Outside of a dog, a book is manÕs best friend; inside of a dog, it
is too dark to read.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You absolutely cannot get 8 cats to
pull a sled through the snow.
What a strange country. When it comes to electing a President, we
get two choices. When it comes to electing Miss America, we get 50.
You have the same chance winning the Big Lottery whether you play
or not.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They
have experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita
Rudner
When I was born, I was so surprised that I did not speak for a
year and a half.
If God had wanted us to go around naked, he would have made our
skin fit better.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infantÕs life, she will choose to save the infantÕs life without even
considering if there are men on base.
The trouble with jogging is that it causes problems, like making
the ice fall out of your glass.
For many years, it was thought that it is a statistical
probability that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will
eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the
internet, we know that this is not true.
What is another word for Thesaurus?
If mini-marts are open 365 days a year and 24 hours a day, why do
the doors have locks on them?
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:
Living on Earth is
expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
How long a minute is
depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for
you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Happiness comes
through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the
people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for
them?
Most of us go to our
grave with our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is
lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one
person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too
much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's
over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot
from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird
names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the
same box.
A truly happy person
is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His Retirement plan is out of this world.
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake
Park, Minnesota**
You might be a Floridian
if:
You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the
first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan
Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given
time
You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows,
to accent the house color
You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"
Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in"
than "screened in"
Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it
You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer
months
You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster
You now understand what that little "2% hurricane
deductible" phrase really means
You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof
shingles from your neighborhood
You have a 5 gallon bucket of roofing tar in the garage
You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw
Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted
You now own 5 large ice chests
You can cook "anything" on a propane grill
You own more than two portable propane tanks
Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker
down"
You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood
locations
You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy
of power company trucks come down your street
You're depressed when they don't stop
You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for:
plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer
You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags"
to make your own sand bags
You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw
You know what "Bar chain oil" is
You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear
protector and face shield for Christmas
You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable
You own more than one 5 gallon gas can
You know how to "backfeed" 220 through the dryer plug
You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed,
block and dry ice"
Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator
envy"
You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and
parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and
your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric
And finally, you might be a Floridian if:
You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake
Park, Minnesota**
An Alabama redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust
for his beloved widow. Under state law she can't touch it until she's 14.
Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more.
They were told 17 and under are not admitted.
They have just raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32.
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
It's true! In Mississippi reruns of Hee Haw are called
documentaries.
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's
dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. Yeah, the winner
gets $3 a year for a million years.
Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In
fact, it pert'near took out the whole trailer park.
A law recently changed in South Carolina and now states: When a
couple gets divorced, they can still remain brother and sister.
The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is I-40!
An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?"
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**
Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my
married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.
Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even
better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white
blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy
I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to
another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to
get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.
After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of
liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all
of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that the
detectives, who came by yesterday, told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were
negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be
considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well,
gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...
Signed, A relieved menopausal wife
Isn't That Precious
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma,
Washington**
Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation while
waiting in the private American Airlines club at the LAX airport. The 1st lady
was an arrogant self-consumed, egotistical Californian married to a wealthy
man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on if they had any children the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my
husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that
precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my
husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that
precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third
child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that
precious??"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your
husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the
Southern lady.
"Charm school??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God!
What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?"
**Contributed to SwennyÕs E-Mail Funnies by Cindy Bigger, Alexandria,
Minnesota**
Supposedly, Dr. Phil scored 55 -- he did this test on Oprah -- she got a 38. DonÕt be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes.
Don't peek but begin
the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now......
not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready.
This is supposedly a
real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations
today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and
prospective employees. It's only
10 simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter
answers.
======================================
1. When do you feel
your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the
afternoon and early evening
c) late at night
2. You usually
walk...
a) fairly fast, with
long steps
b) fairly fast, with
little steps
c) less fast head up,
looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head
down
e) very slowly
3. When talking to
people you...
a) stand with your
arms folded
b) have your hands
clasped
c) have one or both
your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the
person to whom you are talking
e) play with your
ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
4. When relaxing, you
sit with...
a) your knees bent
with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs
stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled
under you
5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) big appreciated
laugh
b) a laugh, but not a
loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile
6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
a) make a loud
entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet
entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest
entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're
interrupted......
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely
irritated
c) vary between these
two extremes
8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light
blue
d) green
e) dark blue or
purple
f) white
g) brown or gray
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before
going to sleep....
a) stretched out on
your back
b) stretched out face
down on your stomach
c) on your side,
slightly curled
d) with your head on
one arm
e) with your head
under the covers
10. You often dream that you are...
a) falling
b) fighting or
struggling
c) searching for
something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have
dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are
always pleasant
POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7
(d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5
(d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2
(d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3
(d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5
(d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4
(d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3
(d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the total
number of points.
OVER 60 POINTS:
Others see you as someone they should "handle with
care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely
dominant. Others may admire you,
wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to
become too deeply involved with you.
51 TO 60 POINTS:
Others see you as an
exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader,
who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you
as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who
takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the
excitement you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS:
Others see you as
fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone
who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not
to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and
understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS:
Others see you as
sensible, cautious, careful, practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or
talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to
friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you
realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it
takes you a long time to get over it, if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS:
Your friends see you
as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful,
slow and steady. It would really surprise them if you ever did something
impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything
carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this
reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS:
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone
who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions;
who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier
who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring.
Only those who know you well know that you aren't.
Scott was a 33É
A Little Quiz
**Contributed to SwennyÕs E-Mail Funnies by Stacy Swenson, West
Fargo, North Dakota**
How many of these questions can you answer? Are you really THAT
observant? The average person only gets 7 right. This is based on U.S. & Canadian info, so use all lobes
of your brain. This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how
little most of us really see! There are 27 questions about things we see every
day or have known about all our lives.
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there in the USA?
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What two numbers on the normal U.S. telephone dial don't have
letters by them?
6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left
leg?
7. How many matches are in a standard pack?
8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
11. Which way does a no smoking sign's slash run?
12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
14. Which way do fans rotate?
15. What is on the back of a Canadian dime?
16. How many sides does a stop sign have?
17. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
18.