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1 trillion microphones = 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
1 billion trillion picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox
(Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lyn Deadmore Taylor, Atlanta, GA)
1. James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck.." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
2. Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."
3. Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
4. A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana,Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
5. Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. In March 1989, sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
6. On Jan. 1, 1997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted murderer once on death row, but later serving a life sentence at the state prison in Pittsburgh, PA, was electrocuted by his homemade earphones as he watched his small TV while sitting on his metal toilet.
7. Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
8. A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It was not clear if the tower he hit was one with its pad removed. "With the cold temperatures, the snow was probably pretty fast," said Donnelly.
9. A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell into the water and suffered the same fate as his quarry, police said Thursday. The 24-year-old man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one end of which they attached to a net and the other to a high-voltage electricity supply line, the PAP news agency quoted a police official in Wloclawek as saying. "For a while everything went according to the poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a certain moment the man holding the net tripped and fell into the water," the agency said. The other poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said.
10. Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
11. To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
12. Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. 'Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
13. In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from electric cables that are not being used.
14. Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
15. A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match early yesterday. But when he stuffed it back in his pants the gun went off. Police were called to the hospital after the man in his 20's was brought in by friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to survive.
Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carey Miller, Denver**
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He feels the conclusion is obvious.
He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:
1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water.
All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
Corey Hogan added this bit of information as an informational correction: "Actually,
the Canadian $2, which is no longer in print, is the ONLY Canadian bill that did have
the modern Canadian Flag over the parliament buildings. The rest of them have the old
Canadian Standard with the British Flag in the Top left Corner, and a crest in the middle
right. So its really just the old Canadian Flag. But, it does look a helluva lot like the American flag."
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are members of the peach family.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
The longest place-name still in use is
the name for a New Zealand hill.
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
and more below from Walter Schumacher, of Clinton, OK
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treas.
Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23- 33
Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80
Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50
Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58
Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85
Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90
Percentage of mammal species (including humans!!) that are: 3
Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7
Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 33%
Only food that does not spoil: honey
Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: Pig
Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
Your nose and ears never stop growing.
Hot water is heavier than cold.
They have square watermelons in Japan...they stack better.
Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Men get hiccups more often than woman.
Armadillos can be housebroken.
Actor George Burns won his first Oscar at age 80
Golda Meir was 71 when she became Prime Minister of Israel
At age 96, George Bernard Shaw broke his leg when he fell out of a tree he was trimming in his backyard
Grandma Moses didn't start painting until she was 80 and did 1,500 paintings, with 25% of those being done after she was 100
Michaelangelo was 71 when he started painting the Sistine Chapel
Casey Stengel retired from coaching the Mets at age 75
On Book of Wagon Pushing - "Regulation reflects the history of our failures"
It is against the law in California to set a trap for a mouse unless you have a hunting license.
In Gary, Indiana its against the law to take a streetcar or go to theater within four hours after eating garlic.
In Massachusetts, its against the law to use tomatoes when making clam chowder.
Since serving soda water on Sundays was against the law in the 1800s in most U.S. towns, some drugstore owners could not serve ice cream sodas. Instead they served a concoction with ice cream, nuts, fruit, and syrup but no soda water. These sundaes on Sunday became popular, we now eat them on any day.
DON'T DO THIS ABROAD
Here are some common global goofs, from Pachter & Associates, Cherry Hill NJ:
~ Refusing food. Acceprance of food mean~ that you accept your host. In Asia, that may mean eating live shrimp but for appearance's sake, try to have a iittle of whatever you're offered no matter howscary or unappealing looking.
~ Helping yourself. This is almost exdusivelv an American custom. Wait until food is offered. One US visitor overseas unknowlingly helped himself to the table's centerpiece.
~ Reacting negatively to unusual customs. You may have to sit next to a diner in Austria or Paris enjoying a meal with his or her dog or if you're a woman eating at a restaurant in the Middle Fast in a section designated just for women and families.
~ Criticizing table manners. For example in Japan, slurping soup is acceptable.
~ Getting drunk. That's never a good idea, no matter where vou are. In Middle Eastern countries, it's against the Muslim religion. Even when you may he encouraged to drink up in European Countries, he cautious ahout your consumption.
~ Expecting to eat on your usual schedule. Mealtimes vary. In Latin America and Italy, dinner is usually at ahout 10 p.m.
~ Bringing along your spouse. In some cultures. vou shouldn't bring your Spouse to business meals unless he or she is specifically invited.
~ Using utensils incorrectly. Know the difference in how vou hold a knife and fork between the American style and the Continental style. In some countries, be prepared to eat with chopsticks or your fingers.
~ Bringing an inappropriate gift. Check out the local customs hefore you bring flowers. They mean different things in different countries. In Germany, for instance, red roses are for lovers only.
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