Training One-Liners and Set-up Jokes
(Updated periodically by appending to the top of the list - last update 4/30/00)
Three statisticians go hunting for moose with bows and arrows. Spotting one in the nearby woods, one of the hunters takes aim and misses about 10 feet to the left. The other then shoots and misses about 10 feet to the right. The third statistician starts jumping up and down excitedly yelling, "We got him! We got him!"
Statistics on performance are useful, but they certainly aren't the answer!
What is globalization?
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Roberto E. Viedma, Mexico City, Mexico, via Swenny**
Globalization is when an English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel speeding in a German car with a Dutch engine and driven by a Belgian driver high on Scottish whiskey while followed closely by Italian paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles is treated by an American doctor using Brazilian medicines but dies!
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. ** Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."
Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?
You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naïve spelled backwards? Think about it...
The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!
A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard. ... Violators Will Be Toad.
You Know You've Been A Consultant Too Long When...
1. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the Macdonald's bags out of the back seat of your car.
2. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is they do not have e-mail.
3. You have a "to-do" list that includes entries for bathroom breaks and lunch and they are the ones that don't usually get crossed off.
4. You refer to the dining room table as the "flat file".
5. Your idea of being organized is multicolored post-it notes.
6. Your grocery list has been on the fridge so long that some of the items do not exist anymore.
7. You lecture neighborhood kids who have lemonade stands on ways to improve profits.
8. You refer to tomatoes grown in your garden as "deliverables".
9. You are exited when you have to work on Saturday because you can wear sweats.
10. You find you really need power point to explain to friends what it is you do.
11. You regularly eat out of vending machines and the most expensive restaurant in town in the same week.
12. You think that "progressing an action plan" and calandarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
13. You know the people at airport hotels better than you do your neighbors.
14. You ask friends to think "out of the box" when you make Friday night plans.
15. You think Einstein would have been more effective if he had put his ideas into a "matrix model".
16. You think working a "half-day" means quitting at 5 o'clock.
Publishing and Advertising goofs - a new one
The WoodDoody Company designed a "buy-two, get two free" promotion to improve ticket sales for the baseball Dodgers. In the ad they created, they said you could give the extra pair of tickets to, "your kids, your clients or the two schmucks down the street" Cool. Until the Dodgers discovered that neither the copywriter nor the exec who approved the ad realized that the Yiddish word "schmuck" refers to male genetalia. Whoops!
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai. He sent a declaration out throughout the country that he was searching for a new head Samurai.
A year passed and only three people showed up to apply for the position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out popped a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground in two pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword. The fly dropped dead on the ground in four pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!"
The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. His flashing sword went whoooooossshhh, whooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh. A gust of wind filled the room, but the fly was still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked, "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled and said, "Circumcision is not intended to kill."
A GURU HAIKU
If one more client
Whines about my modest fee
The price will double.
-- John Klaus, technical analyst, Atlanta, GA
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park, MN**
1. Why is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected' make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?
On Efficiency and Communications
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time, 'Hon' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
Never Play "Big Guy" in a Small Town
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park, Minnesota**
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
"I'm sorry for the delay," he said, "but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters into the home, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
WHAT WAS PLAN B ??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY! Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY?? In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
OUCH, THAT SMARTS!! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked." No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
Groucho Says ......
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Text humor borrowed from The Smokers Club Newsletter. If you're a smoker, this site is tobacco heaven.
NEW EMPLOYEE MANUAL - written by Liam McEneaney
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Arturo Vega, Mexico City **
Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new employees. Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to company policy.
OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of overtime.
PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO's son when he is promoted to Vice President over you.
STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it goes public. So named because you'll be working in the stock room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.
401k - This is how much money you'll lose under your "Stock Option" plan.
HELLTH PLAN - No, that isn't a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O. That stands for "Hell's Medical Organization." It was organized by some of Hell's finest minds; Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down to three points:
1) You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally - as of now, the HMO owns you. To insure that you don't forget your subscriber number, we will tattoo it to your forehead.
2) You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will not be told your physician's name. You may never see your physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any doctor without express written permission of your imaginary primary care physician, you will be forced to pay full price, plus eat your weight in lard.
3) You are not covered under this plan.
TERMINATION - All employees will be given two weeks notice upon being fired. We like to feel that this gives an employee a "grace period" to steal all of the office supplies that he or she may have forgotten to take during his or her period of employment.
COMPLAINTS - May be made anonymously in the box marked "Complaints" in the employee break room. All complaints will be reviewed, processed, and fed to an angry Rottweiler named Frankie.
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lyn Deadmore Taylor, Atlanta, GA**
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '2000 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on the MacToaster.
If The NeXT Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Sony made toasters... Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or two-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it, and you'd have to buy 4 or 5 before finding one that works right out of the box. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Oracle made toasters... They would claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was good at blowing smoke.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If K-Tel sold toasters... They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives.
If Fisher-Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If Unix made toasters... Very few people would understand how to make toast. There would be toaster geeks, in pony tails, jeans and tee-shirts who would spend sixteen hours a day in front of the toaster making toast.
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park, Minnesota**
This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 from Salina, KS. It was take from the original document on file at the Smoky Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS and reprinted by the Salina Journal. 8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS - 1895
Reading and Penmanship. - The Examination will be oral, and the Penmanship of Applicants will be graded from the manuscripts.
(Time, 1 hour)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weights 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts. Per bu., deducting 1050 lbs for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 per cent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per m?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 per cent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.
(Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case. Illustrate each case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7-10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.
(Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, and 1865.
(Time, one hour)
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'. Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, super.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences, Cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.
(Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of N.A.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall, and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.
1. Where are the saliva, gastric juice, and bile secreted? What is the use of each in digestion?
2. How does nutrition reach the circulation?
3. What is the function of the liver? Of the kidneys?
4. How would you stop the flow of blood from an artery in the case of laceration?
5. Give some general directions that you think would be beneficial to preserve the human body in a state of health.
RULES FOR TEACHERS - 1872
1. Teachers each day will fill lamps, clean chimneys.
2. Each teacher will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of coal for the day's session.
3. Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to the individual taste of the pupils.
4. Men teachers may take one evening each week for courting purposes, or two evenings a week if they go to church regularly.
5. After ten hours in school, the teachers may spend the remaining time reading the Bible or other good books.
6. Women teachers who marry or engage in unseemly conduct will be dismissed.
7. Every teacher should lay aside from each pay a goodly sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years so that he will not become a burden on society.
8. Any teacher who smokes, uses liquor in any form, frequents pool or public halls, or gets shaved in a barber shop will give good reason to suspect his worth, intention, integrity and honesty.
9. The teacher who performs his labor faithfully and without fault for five years will be given an increase of twenty-five cents per week in his pay, providing the Board of Education approves.
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota**
What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
She hates sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
Stupidity should hurt.
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
I found the best way to get rid of a telemarketer. Ask them what they are wearing.
Why is it when snooty department stores put their Christmas decorations out just after the 4th of July, it's "elegant foresight," but when I leave my Christmas lights up until April, my neighbors just think I'm tacky?
OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," does that make the Tennessee Titans "The Tits?"
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally, they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
A new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"
THINK ABOUT IT: If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
Top 20 sayings we'd like to see on those office inspirational posters:
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only fifty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment."
General Life Skill Tips - The Real Stuff!!
1) Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
2) Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle perfect shaped pancakes every time.
3) To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
4) To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.
5) Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan-the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.
6) To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
7) To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top - the skillet will be much easier to clean.
8) Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces - no more stains.
9) When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead - no white mess on the outside of the cake.
10) If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato - it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".
11) Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator - it will keep for weeks.
12) Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
13) Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it back up.
14) When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
15) To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh - if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
16) Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
17) Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
18) If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
19) Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
20) To get rid of itch from mosquito bite: try applying soap on the area, instant relief.
21) Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march - see for yourself.
22) Use air-freshener to clean mirrors: It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
23) When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
24) NOW Look what you can do with Alka-Seltzer: CLEAN A TOILET - drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
CLEAN A VASE - to remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
POLISH JEWELRY - drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
CLEAN A THERMOS BOTTLE - fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
UNCLOG A DRAIN - clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.
10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days ems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
What you call your child when you're mad at him.
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we tell them to.
a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
a child who is more talented than yours.
what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
able to whine in words
don't worry, it's highly unlikely your children will learn to use big words like these
I DON'T KNOW:
proof that your children need a proper education
Need Heat or maybe just effective marketing
There once was a conservative college in the mid-west that had a standing rule, the heat was not to be turned on in the dormitories prior to a certain date. Unfortunately, one year, winter decided to rear its ugly head early. Students in both the men's and women's dormitories complained about the bitter cold, but were told that nothing could be done. After days of no heat and no respite in immediate sight, the ladies realized that their dorm faced the equally cold men's dorm. They turned a bed sheet into a banner with the message,
"TURN ON THE HEAT OR WE'LL TURN ON THE BOYS!"
The heat was on within hours!
Just 4 Laughs!
A Who Done It???
A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects.
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything, that he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor is known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason gets stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.
Who do you think did it?
Just 4 Laughs!
A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many month he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautifully wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold.
Angry, he raised his voice to his father and said "with all your money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago.
With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. His father had carefully underlined a verse, Matt.7:11, "And if ye, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Heavenly Father which is in Heaven, give to those who ask Him?"
As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words:
PAID IN FULL.
Old Chinese Saying
A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again.
He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light work."
On Women and Men and Communications
A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talk too much. Recently he proudly told his wife he'd heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400.
The wife pondered that a moment, then concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands."
He looked up and asked, "Come again?"
submitted to the Good Clean Funnies List by Scott Neville.
We've all had bosses who were fond of those inspirational posters that are supposed to make us work harder and not complain about pay. Here are some sayings we'd all really like to see printed on those posters.
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a better job ... maybe, someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
If you think we're a bad company, you should see our competition.
Rome didn't create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those that opposed them.
We put the "k" in "kwality".
Quality iw Job One.
Two days without a human rights violation.
Your job is still better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Pride. Commitment. Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
Thanx to The New Daily Banner. From the Good Clean Funnies List
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in information technology" says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be a corporate manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
CONGRESS PASSES "AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT"
WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talent-less Americans. The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees. Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and, "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation."
This was published by The Onion. You can find the electronic version of the original in the archives section of www.theonion.com
Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, MN
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting,
"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Fairy Tales and Training
A Mom comes home from a hard day of training and gets the chance to read her little girl one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked the child, "do ALL fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""
"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonite . . . "
adapted from the "Just 4 Laughs!" email list
Resistance to Change is a natural occurrence:
· In the middle ages, mothers believed their kids wouldn't get sick if they hung bags containing pieces of dead bats from their necks. Others were equally convinced they could avoid sickness if they rubbed themselves with a lotion of bear fat, dog fat, rain worm oil and spider oil.
· In 1857, Joseph Gayetty tried to sell specially made paper to replace what people were using -- but people thought that toilet paper was a silly waste of money -- so they continued to use old newspapers and pages from catalogs.
· And major league baseball resisted the use of leather hand coverings for nearly 30 years.
These two businesswomen were walking down the street and a frog jumps out and says, "Kiss me and I'll turn into a handsome quality consultant." One of the women smiles and picks up the frog and puts him into her purse. As they walk away, the other woman says, "Why didn't you kiss the frog?" And the other says, "Why? Quality consultants are a dime a dozen but a talking frog -- that's really something!"
When presenting ideas to groups, I'm reminded of the old-time comedian, Groucho Marx, who once said, "Before I speak, I have something important to say."
He decided that instead of trying to do something and failing, he would succeed at nothing.
When I think of quality improvement, I often think of Aristotle. Yes, Warren Aristotle, who said that the real impact of most quality improvement programs is to make astrology look credible.
You think things are tough here, try to get something done at the Pentagon. They are so buried in paperwork mud that nothing ever gets done well. For instance, military specs for a sugar cookie run 15 pages. To build a cargo plane, there were 250,000 pages of specs weighing 3.5 tons. How can anyone manage a project with that much mud? And how can that much paperwork ever reflect itself in a budget and a Gant Chart?
"Where did you receive your quality training?"
"Good, and what's your name?"
Instead of trying to make the Pony Express run faster, businesses need to step back from the horses and imagine the FAX machine.
Making an analogy of making a difference in service quality for a top-flight firm: It's like what Elizabeth Taylor's eighth husband said, 'I know what has to be done. I just don't know if I can make it interesting.'"
Some Techniques for Personal Growth and Confidence Building
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed and succeed in my job.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.
10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
17. I am at one with my duality.
18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
23. False hope is better than no hope at all.
24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.
27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
28. A complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that a conspiracy is working against me.
29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
33. Before I criticize a someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot.
above adapted from Just 4 Laughs!
Rules of Life
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school called life. Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works."
4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. Then you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons never end. There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better than "here." When your "there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that again, looks better than "here."
7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. The answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
from Just 4 Laughs!
At the Bar...
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
Secretary of Agriculture
Dear Mr. Secretary,
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a thousand dollar government check for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks but if this is not a good breed not to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very pleased about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years and the best he ever made on them was four hundred and fifty dollars in 1968 until this when he got your check for not raising any.
If I get one thousand dollars for not raising fifty hogs, will I get two thousand dollars for not raising one hundred hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about four thousand hogs not raised which will mean about eighty thousand dollars the first year. Now, another thing: These hogs I will not raise will not eat ten thousand dollars bushels of corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising and wheat not to feed the four thousand hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems like a good time of the year not to raise hogs or grain.
Also, I am considering the "not milking the cows" business so please send me information on that, too. In view of these circumstances, I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment benefits and food stamps.
M. D. Hartt
from: Just 4 Laughs!
1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
4. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness, "The New York Times"
5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."
6. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm
7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
9. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry
11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown
12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James
13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway. -- Andrew Tannenbaum
14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain
15. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry
17. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
20. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast
21. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips
22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams
25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
26. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp
27. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
28. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python
29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin
30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy
34. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
37. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. -- David Letterman
38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
39. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson
40. I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley
41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself " the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
42. The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967
43. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
44. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
45. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pant's zipper supposed to be in the front?
46. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
47. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the statistical average (mean) number of legs. -- E. Grebenik
48. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."
49. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac
50. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. -- Plutarch
51. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown
52. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson
53. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain
54. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
from: Just 4 Laughs!
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. --
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. -- Jeff Stilson
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
from: Just 4 Laughs!
ACTUAL answers given by contestants on "The Family Feud"
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non-living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Thanx to William Conway.
from: The Good, Clean Funnies List
Challenging Engineering Thinking - and LIGHTING CHARCOAL GRILLS
Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble (really!!), a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department.
Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process. "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner."
If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened:
The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal. From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch.
Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines). By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times.
But in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard. Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers.
On Gobel's Web page (the address is http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/), you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition.
What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit.
The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds. There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund."
Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced nations, to spit.
Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud. Engineers are like that.
(Note: This is a paraphrased version of Dave Barry's article from June 26, 1995 edition of the Lafayette Journal & Courier and forwarded by Tom Huff to The Good, Clean Funnies List)
On competition, culture and rewards
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.
After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
Turn off the cold water.
If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.
The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been around here."
That's how company policy begins...
THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH:
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Clint Fast, Fargo, North Dakota, and Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota**
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Signed: Project Leader
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him. Regards.
How to Write More Better
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. Remember to never split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
23. Don't never use a double negation.
24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
25. Do not put statements in the negative form.
26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
29. A writer must not shift your point of view.
30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!
32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
38. Always pick on the correct idiom.
39. The adverb always follows the verb.
40. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
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