New Trainer Jokes and Factoids - updated 7/27/00

Factoid - A Japanese research study found that the top managers of companies knew about only 4% of the problems in a company as compared to supervisors knowledge of 74%. The same research found that employees in the trenches knew about 100%. This from a report in Readers Digest, June 1995. Most people do not argue much about the generality of the numbers or the nature of the problems.

Factoid ­ The Air Force has been testing pilotless aircraft. Last year, they sent one of these $45 million aircraft crashing into the desert. Recently, they had one land only to get a taxi command to go 180 mph instead of 15 mph, smashing itself into a small hill. Seems like everyone blamed the other for not checking this part of the program.

When they start flying commercial aircraft without a live (read that "personally accountable") human being on-board as pilot, that will be the time this writer stops flying...


John Bosley passed along some information from a Japanese workplace attitudinal survey that I thought you might find of interest. Initially from: Joji Arai []

"I thought you might be interested in a survey result of our center in Tokyo. A question they always ask is "Would you cancel your date to put in overtime for your company?"

New company recruits prepared to work hard

by Yomiuri Shimbun

The nation's new company recruits are willing to work harder than their predecessors to improve their living standards, according to the results of an opinion poll conducted by the Japan Productivity Center for Socioeconomic Development.

The center, which operates under the supervision of the International Trade and Industry Ministry, surveyed 3,243 men and women hired by companies in spring.

According to the poll, 43.5 percent of new recruits are willing to work harder than others. This group outnumbered those who think it is sufficient to work as much as others, who comprised 43.1 percent, the first time this has happened since 1986.

As for overtime, 79.2 percent of recruits said they would be willing to cancel other plans to work overtime, a 5.8 percent increase from a similar survey carried out in 1999.

Only 20.2 percent said they would refuse to work overtime to keep a date, a 5.4 percent drop from last year.

In addition, 59.6 percent of new recruits, the highest number since 1971, said they work extra hours because the overtime pay increases their monthly income. The percentages of recruits willing to work extra hours regardless of pay, and of those unwilling to work beyond regular office hours even if paid overtime, both decreased.

In response to the question of why they worked, the most common reply--given by 29.6 percent of recruits--was so they could lead financially comfortable lives. The second most common reason, cited by 26.6 percent, was that they work to test their abilities. Another 26.1 percent said they work to make their lives enjoyable.

Only 5 percent of new recruits work to contribute to society, according to the survey results. The survey showed that 62.2 percent of recent recruits believe a wage system based on achievement and ability is preferable. This figure far exceeded the 13 percent who prefer a seniority-based system.

Asked whether they would prefer a double-income lifestyle after marriage, a record 51.4 percent answered affirmatively.

Asked whether they plan to stay at the same company until the mandatory retirement age, 51.6 percent replied it would depend on circumstances.


What to say to Telemarketers ......

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.


Two-thirds of Australian companies use incentive motivation, based on a survey of 2600 companies by the Society of Incentive & Travel Executives Foundation and reported in the July 1999 issue of Meetings and Conventions. Eighty of these provide cash bonuses. A 1997 survey of US companies found that cash was used by 61% of companies and also the number one motivator. (page 28)

162 - rank of "NCAA basketball coach" among 250 jobs listed from best to worst in the Jobs Rated Almanac -- just ahead of sewage-plant operator and even a few spots behind janitor (154) and undertaker (156). (from Sports Illustrated, 3/29/99 - page 28).

If airlines ran paint stores

Customer: How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, it depends on a number of things.

Customer: Well, what is your average price for a gallon of paint?

Clerk: Wow-that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, but we have 50 different prices ranging up to $200 per gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: There isn't any difference. It's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of the $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, before I sell you that paint, you need to answer a few questions. First, when do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Well, if you want to use the paint tomorrow, I can only sell you the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 paint?

Clerk:To get the $9 paint, you would have to use it three weeks from now, and you have to start painting on a Friday and continue to paint until Sunday night.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Please wait while I check to see if we have any $9 paint.

Customer: There's some on the shelf right there-I can see it!

Clerk: That's the same paint all right but we can sell only a certain number of gallons for the weekend that you want to paint. OOPS-the price just went up to $17 a gallon.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually left the store with your paint yet, we just decided to raise the price. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons; no, make it six gallons so I'm sure I have enough.

Clerk: If you don't use all the paint, you'll be penalized.

Customer: But if I've already paid for the paint, what does it matter if I don't use all of it?

Clerk: That's just the way it is, sir.

Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.

Clerk: Good luck, sir. All of our competitors have similar rules. You'd better just buy your paint here, while our lowest price is still $28 a gallon.

Actual Fast Food Job Application
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment...

NAME: (deleted)

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.


SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

from Just 4 Laughs!

Puns 102

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, MN**

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?


What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?



What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?

A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What is a zebra?

26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?

A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?

They're hiring.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?





"Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"

"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead"

"Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat"

"Be Nice to Your Children... They'll Pick Your Nursing Home"

"Husbands Should Come With Instructions"

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"Even If You Lead a Good Life, Go to Church and Say Your

Prayers, You'll Still Go to Des Moines When You Die"

"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered... Now ! "

"Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same"

"I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man... I've Been Practicing Since 1949"

"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton"

"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"

"Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control"

"60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts... Make Offer"

"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"

"If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teecher"

"A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!"

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink"

"I Yell Because I Care"

"If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"Re-Elect Nobody"

(Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man"

"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse...

.... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups"

(On a baby-size shirt) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M."

"I Don't Suffer from Insanity.... I'm a Carrier"

"El Nino Made Me Do It"

"The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley"

"I'm Not 50. I'm $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling "

"You Who Think You Know It All Are Damn Annoying to Those of Us Who Do"

"I Am the Person Your Parents Warned You About"

"The Two Most Common Elements in the Universe Are Hydrogen and Stupidity"

"I'm Not Getting Older....I'm Getting Meaner "

"That Was Zen; This Is Tao"

"Fifty Is the Ultimate F-Word"

"Aliens Have Examined My Internal Organs "

"It IS As Bad As You Think, and They ARE Out to Get You"

"I'm on a 30-Day Diet. So Far I've Lost 15 Days"

"Why Is 'Abbreviation' Such a Long Word?"

"There Are Three Kinds of People...

... Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can't"

"Familiarity Breeds"

"Proofread Carefully to See If You Any Words Out"

"Your Kid May Be an Honor Student, But You're Still an idiot"

"When You Do a Good Deed, Get a Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS"

"Sometimes I Fantasize That I'm Rich Enough to Be a Republican"

"I Killed a Six Pack Just to See It Die"

"A Freudian Slip Is When You Say One Thing But Mean Your Mother"

"Disregard Last T-Shirt"

"I Do Whatever the Voices Tell Me to Do"

"I'm Retired and This Is As Dressed Up As I'm Gonna Get"

"Growing Old Is Mandatory... Growing Up Is Optional"

I'm Not 50--I'm 18 with 32 Years Experience"

"Parents of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young"

"My Wife Says I Don't Listen to Her...Well ? "

"Over the Hill? What Hill? I Didn't See Any Hill!"

"I'm Not Unemployed... I'm a Consultant"

"All I Ask Is That You Try Me "

"Goodbye Tension... Hello Pension"

from Just 4 Laughs!



- As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

- I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

- Joan of Arc heard voices too.

- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

- I am at one with my duality.

- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

- Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

- To understand all is to fear all.

- I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

- The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

- My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

from Just 4 Laughs!



Truth in Seminars < aTrue Story>

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flyer came around:



(Get your manager's permission before attending)


Can You Pay?

A mangy-looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."

from Just 4 Laughs!



**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lindsey Johnson Suddarth, Mendon, VT**

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

* Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

* Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

* We put the "k" in "kwality."

* Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

* A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

* If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

* Plagiarism saves time.

* If at first you don't succeed, try management.

* Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

* TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

* The beatings will continue until morale improves.

* Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

* We waste time, so you don't have to.

* Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

* Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

* A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

* When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.


* Succeed in spite of management.

* Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

* We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

* You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

* Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.


If You Knew What I Have...

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.

The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."

from Just 4 Laughs!

TO: Trojan Army Listserv <


Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.






The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall.

It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.







RE: Greeks bearing gifts


I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" junk. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,



from The Good, Clean Funnies List

A Note for All Businesses:

(Supposedly, this notice was found in the ruins of a London office building, dated 1852.)

1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m.weekdays.

2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headgear may be worn in inclement weather.

4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.

6. No talking is allowed during business hours.

7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease.

9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms,scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.

11. The owners recognize the generosity of these new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.


New Company Directive (Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lyn Deadmore Taylor, Atlanta and adapted)

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of TRY SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.


TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: When the hell do you expect me to do this?


TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No damn way.



INSTEAD OF: You've got to be kidding me.


TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with ...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a flip.


TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned

INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a flip.


TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in that project.

INSTEAD OF: Its not my stupid problem.


TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the heck?!?!


TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.

INSTEAD OF: Stuipid, it won't work.


TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the heck didn't you tell me sooner?


TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?

INSTEAD OF: Who the flip cares?


TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his butt.


TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my grits.


TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.

INSTEAD OF: Screw it, I'm on salary.


TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your frabish.


TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.


TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who died and made you boss?


TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.

INSTEAD OF: Another stupid meeting!!!!


TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.

INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a rat's tail.


TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the heck you're doing.


The Top 12 Office Activities the First Day of Your Boss's Vacation

12> Best imitation of the boss wins everything in the supply room contest.

11> Lock-jimmying contest, immediately followed by a charity raffle of executive office furniture.

10> The battle begins for the coveted "Solitaire, Minesweeper, Tetris" Triple Crown.

9> Use boss' computer to send suggestive emails to the local chapter of NOW.

8> Visit local nude beach for daily *staff* meeting.

7> A rousing game of "Pin the Secretary's Tail on the Boss' Desk."

6> Staple that dweeb from accounting to the wall.

5> Take pictures of his favorite coffee cup in the toilet. Save for resignation day.

4> Purchasing vs. Receiving: Let's Get Ready to Rummmmbllllle!

3> Wagering on intern lip lock endurance matches in the file room.

2> "Performance reviews" given by a whimsical painted face on the shipping clerk's bare ass.

and Top5's Number 1 Office Activity the First Day of Your Boss's Vacation...

1> Convincing the boss's daughter be your intern.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List ]

Job Ad Phrases Defined

Advancement opportunity:

Crap job.


Entry level:

Really crap job.


No experience necessary:

The mother of all crap jobs.


Administrative Assistant:

Crap job with a title.


Ground floor opportunity:

Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.


Progressive company:

Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.


Team player:

Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.


Upbeat personality:

Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.


Word processing skills essential:

There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.


Public relations:



Professional appearance important:

$20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe


Pleasant telephone manner:

Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME


Salary range $24,000 to $32,00:

The salary is $24,000


Jeans job!

Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.


Will train:

Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.


B.A. required, master's preferred:

Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary


Civil service:

This job was filled from the inside six months ago.


Women & minorities encouraged to apply:

White males need not waste the stamp.


Outstanding benefits package:

Health insurance.


Tons of variety!

We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job.


Top-notch communication skills:



Beautiful offices in attractive location:

Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.



Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.


Executive secretary:

The most powerful position in the company



You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.


Salary commensurate:

We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.


Salary negotiable

We'll take the lowest bidder.


Competitive salary:

We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.


Competitive starting salary:

Ten cents above minimum wage.


Pleasant atmosphere:

A staff of pod people.


Professional atmosphere:

Zombie pod people.


Fun, creative atmosphere:

Pod people from hell.


Dynamic atmosphere:

Zombie pod people from hell.


Gal Friday:

Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.



Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means.

from Just 4 Laughs!


A Matter of Training

An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills came to visit a childhood friend. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run.

Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle... WOOOO--ooo---OOOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger.

Predictably, the old boy is hit -- fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO.... Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper.

His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely tea kettle?"

The mountain man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

Received from Thomas J Subjak.



Spot Me Two 'Gotchas' - on "classical" conditioning and slightly off-color


Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a$100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviouslymuch better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'.

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.

And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed me while yelling 'Gotcha!'

Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

Just 4 Laughs!



Once, Twice... - more on conditioning!

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once." A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice." After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

Just 4 Laughs!



Don't Forget - a joke on memory

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."


On rules and regulations -

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."


Factoids: Learning Retention and Decay

Average retention rates from various instructional modes:

Lecture - 5%

Reading - 10%

Audio Visual - 20%

Demonstration - 30%

Discussion group - 50%

Practice by doing - 75%

Teaching others - 90%

Immediate application of learning in a real situation - 90%.

Of what we know we learn approximately

1% through Taste

2% through Touch

4% through Smell

10% through Hearing

83% through Sight - (Note, this information leaves out observational learning completely)

Of what we learn we retain approximately

10% of what we Read

20% of what we Hear

30% of what we See

50% of what we Hear And See

70% of what we Say

90% of what we Say As We Do

For those who would like some some more information, I compiled about 15 sites on learning retention. They range from brief notes to in-depth studies: - and page down to "Leaning Retention"

From my Pal, Don Clark of Big Dog's Bowl of Biscuits




Some Factoidal Statistics about us Americans:

* Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.

* 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).

* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.

* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.

* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

* 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.

* 91% of us lie regularly.

* 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

* 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.

* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

* 90% believe in divine retribution.

* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

* 82% believe in an afterlife.

* 45% believe in ghosts.

* 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.

* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

* 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

* Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.

* 35% give to charity at least once a month.

* How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and religion. 7% would murder.

* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.

* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

* 85% of us will eat Spam this year.

* 70% of us drink orange juice daily.

* Snickers is the most popular candy.

* 22% of us skip lunch daily.

* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.

* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.

* 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.

* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

* 45% use mouthwash every day.

* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

* The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

* Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair.

* 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.

* 62% of us pop our zits.

* 33% of women lie about their weight. (Only 33%?)

* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

* 57% have had deja vu.

* 49% believe in ESP.

* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.

* The average girl starts her period at age 12.

* 44% have broken a bone.

* Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

* 14% have attended a self-help meeting.

* 15% regularly go to a shrink.

* 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.

* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.

* 45.2% pee in the shower.

* 44.9% pee in the ocean.

* 28.1% pee in the pool.

* 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're sing the toilet.

* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet and 17% have been caught by the host.

* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.

* 29% of us ignore RSVP.

* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.

* 22% are functionally illiterate.

* Less than 10% are trilingual.

* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

* 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

* 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.

* 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

* 40% of us have had music lessons.

* 44% reuse tinfoil.

* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.

* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

* 59% of us say we're average-looking.

* Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

* 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.

* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.

* The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

* Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

* 6% propose over the phone.

* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.

* 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.

* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

* 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.

* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

* 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.

* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

Just 4 Laughs!



On Scheduling - The 1999 Scheduling Calendar

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Swenny**

How to Solve Your Time Problems

Neg Fri Fri Thu Wed Tue Mon

8 7 6 5 4 3 2

16 15 14 13 12 11 9

23 22 21 20 19 18 17

31 30 29 28 27 26 24

38 37 36 35 34 33 32


1. Every job is a rush. All of our work should have been done yesterday. With this calendar, work can be started on the 7th and finished by the 3rd.

2. Everything has to be done by Friday--so there are two Fridays in each week.

3. There are seven extra days at the end of the month for those end of the month rushes.

4. There are no bothersome non-productive Saturdays or Sundays.

5. There's a new day each week, "Negotiation Day," so that schedules may be revised or changed.

6. There are no "first of the month," no "tenths," or "twenty-fifths," therefore no reports to submit.

7. Each week begins on Friday and ends on Monday thus providing time to meet those Monday deadlines.



On Computers and Daily Living

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you loose your car keys, click on find.

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on its way to YOU...



The NEW Microsoft Keyboard

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:

1) GPF key -- This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

2) $$ key -- When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.

3) ZD key -- This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.

4) MS key -- This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.

5) FUD key -- Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory.

6) Chicago key -- Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

7) IBM key -- Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).

8) MSN Key -- With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!

9) RW95 Key -- Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier?

10) FDISK Key -- Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.

from Just 4 Laughs!



Some interesting Urban Legends:

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room right away.



Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the River, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.



I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."



A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.



A true story out of San Francisco:

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could no accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.



A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture - of handcuffs.



A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.



Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.



R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.



Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.


Carjacking Foiled

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required ... so get out of the car.

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her own car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a Carjacking by a mad elderly white woman ... No charges were filed.


In March 1992, a man living near Boston, Mass. received a bill for his as-yet-unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. In April, he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return post. He called and talked to them. They said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

Received from Molly Brose Mulliganm off The Good, Clean Funnies List


WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

from Willy Pullen





WHY??? Some Stupidities... (probably taken from Steven)

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If 7-Eleven is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Disorder in the Courts - Actual Legal Loonies

A deaf man in Bennettsville, SC, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."

Near 50 percent of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. Most of the time the cause is something as vague as "irreconcilable differences." (Certain states don't ask for reasons.) But sometimes the reasons for divorcing are more specific. Here are some examples:

A man in Tarittville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator which read: "I won't be home when you return from work. Have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2."

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without first asking for permission."

The South Dakota Supreme Court upheld a divorce court ruling in Seoptember 1994, citing the husband as the cause of the couple's troubles. The husband had, among other bad habits, a tendency of passing gas around the house and then getting angry with his wife when she complained. The wife claimed her husband could easily regulate his odoriferous emissions and would break wind as a "retaliation thing."

A man in Long Island filed for divorce against his wife claiming that she is a witch and routinely practices ritualistic animal sacrifices.

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house."

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate.

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