Great Trainer Jokes and Funnies

This is a good one on communications in general. You might actually do this as an exercise in the classroom:

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Perspective is everything!

 

On Hospitals, Quality and Cost:

A friend told me this story and he thought it was cute. While waiting for an elevator, he stood next to a maintenance man holding a bicycle pump. After a few seconds, the guy saw that he was puzzled, so he smiled and said, "It's the new HMO oxygen pump."

On customer service:

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

 

 

I LOVE MY JOB!

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bob Laurie, Juneau, Alaska, from the Lost Dr. Seuss Book**

I love my Job, I love the Pay!

I love it more and more each day.

I love my Boss; he's the best!

I love his boss and all the rest.

 

I love my Office and its location -

I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and gray,

and the paper that piles up every day!

 

I love my chair in my padded Cell!

There's nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my Peers -

I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

 

I love my Computer and all its Software;

I hug it often though it doesn't care...

I love each Program and every File,

I try to understand once in a while!!

 

I'm happy to be here, I am I am;

I'm the happiest Slave of my Uncle Sam.

I love this Work: I love these Chores.

I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.

 

I love my Job - I'll say it again -

I even love these friendly Men -

These men who've come to visit today

In lovely white coats to take me away!!!

 

On Promotion and Marketing:

"If the circus is coming to town and you paint a sign saying "Circus Coming to the Fairground Saturday," that's advertising. If you put the sign on the back of an elephant and walk him into town, that's promotion. If the elephant walks through the mayor's flower bed, that's publicity. If you can get the mayor to laugh about it, that's public relations. And if you planned the elephant's walk, that's marketing."

 

Murphy's Technology Laws –

 

Murphy's Technology Laws Murphy's Technology Law #1:

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #2:

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with

confidence.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #3:

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #4:

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then

the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #5:

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until

he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #6:

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #7:

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #8:

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #9:

All's well that ends... period.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #10:

A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #11:

The first myth of management is that it exists.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #12:

A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #13:

New systems generate new problems.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #14:

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #15:

We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #16:

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #17:

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

 

Received from Don Hartin.

 

 

On Thoughts

Despite my vast (nay, encyclopedic) knowledge and understanding of all aspects of the Internet, one thing puzzles me. That is how I can send a message to a group and have it appear literally within seconds, and then send another which will take more than 24 hours to appear.

Puzzled Los Gatos Sociologist

--

Ah. I'm happy to report that you have come to the right place for the answer to this deep question.

Before I reveal the cause of the common phenomenon you're wondering about, though, I'd like to point out some other quirky behaviors that you may have noticed.

.. Some days your car starts on the first turn of the starter. Some days it doesn't start at all.

.. Some recent nights have been brilliantly lighted by the full moon. Tonight I've waited and waited, but all I got was wet.

These have nothing to do with why one message is transmitted immediately while another takes 24 hours.

The reason is complex, and we technologists don't often expect even to hear such sophisticated questions from those outside the inner circle (HAHAHAHAHAH WE KNOW EVERYTHING), and many of us are loathe to reveal the hidden cause.

But you seem trustworthy, so...

Look at your keyboard. Notice how the keys are all out of order? You'd think they'd be in alphabetical order, wouldn't you? But no, they are arranged in an odd pattern called QWERTY, originally devised by a typewriter manufacturer to slow typists down to the point where his machines wouldn't jam. Imagine, now, when you send a message down the wires, how differently the many routers and interfaces that the message goes through are affected by different juxtapositions of letters in your message. Just as a modest change in the original position of a chess problem has a dramatic effect on the time required to solve it, the tiniest change in the arrangement of letters in your message - often not even noticeable to any but the expert eye, and even then only with complex measurement equipment - can wreak havoc with every interface the message must pass through. Imagine you had a car wider than the normal freeway lane. Going through interchanges would be a particular trial; how quickly you could pass through would depend on the amount of other traffic, the number of odd-shaped oncoming cars, and many other factors -- much too complex to summarize quickly. But I'm sure you get the idea. And just as if you drove through many interchanges in your odd-shaped car you could be delayed dramatically, changes in the letter composition of your message slow it down every time it goes through a router, the internet's interchange.

The letters W and M are particularly noxious in this way. If they happen to fall within the same word, as in women, or if multiples of them fall within a word, as in mammal, or wow, their retardant effect is in fact squared; this was first proved by Von Neumann in 1944, although certain notes of Ada Lovelace in 1861 indicate that she, too, had the basic idea.

The vowels, on the other hand, particularly I and O, are quite slippery and can speed up the trip of your message through a router; in fact, an I almost cancels an M, and words with many Is and Os, such as oil, lion, noise, and onion, can have a remarkable accelerating effect.

These are only the extreme cases. Each letter, and in fact each key, has its own lexical friction coefficient (LFC), which often depends on the relationship of the letter to other letters in the word and to other words in the message. LFC tables were originally compiled by Hollerith in 1901, for use in his famous Census-tabulating work, but were not made available to the general public until IBM brought out the 407 tabulating machine in the mid-thirties, and published a full set of lexical friction data in the documentation that was issued with the machine. Later, in 1962, when IBM first produced the Selectric typewriter, new LFC tables had to be constructed; these were made available in technical libraries.

Depending on the net lexical friction of a message, the transit time of a message through a router can differ by as much as a factor of fifty. This in itself is hardly sufficient to explain the difference between instant delivery and 24-hour delivery, however. The biggest part of the effect is a second-order result of high-LFC messages passing through routers. Just as when a stream slows down it deposits much more silt and other sediment on its bed, a high-lfc message, traveling slowly through a router, leaves what amounts to arterial plaque in the routers optical fiber connections. Optical fiber builds up LFC-related plaque anyway, but normally so slowly that fibers don't have to be cleaned or changed for years. However, a chance confluence of many high-LFC message can deposit so much LFC plaque in the fiber connections of a router that the router can be totally disabled. Even if the router is not put completely out of service by fiber plaque, it can transmit messages so slowly that many recipient protocol managers conclude correctly that their correspondents have failed, and request retransmission. Thus high-LFC messages not only move more slowly through the internet, but actually raise the internet's traffic load while they do so.

This issue has been studied in great detail by my erstwhile employer, whose interest in fiber plaque, LFC aggregation, and the resulting internet congestion is so high that it has formed a special task force to study the matter and recommend solutions within a year. I fully expect, however, that since the matter is dependent on keyboard design originally, these studies will probably result in little improvement, and once again we will be left anxiously awaiting the next-faster generation of optics, routers, and computers, meanwhile helplessly floundering in a stew of such technical complexity that only the few can comprehend it.

I would suggest that to improve your transmission times you should begin by tabulating the letter counts in your messages, and correlate them with message delivery delays. This technique is crude, but should give you a rough idea of what to expect. If your needs go beyond manual counting, you can find any number of lexical friction coefficient analysis programs in the commercial world, replete with graphic interfaces and LCF-optimization capabilities.

I'm glad to have been of service in this matter, and will make myself available for further questions as they occur to you.

Received from Teresa's Jokers.

 

Not sure these are all true and factual, but they sure do make interesting reading

 

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

 

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

-- Mariah Carey

 

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."

-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

 

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."

--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

 

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

 

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. (and there are a whole series of Barry quotes right after this set)

 

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

--Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

 

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.

We are the president."

-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

 

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."

-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

 

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

-- A congressional candidate in Texas

 

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."

--John Wayne

 

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

 

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

 

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."

-- former governor of California, Gerry Brown

 

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."

-- George Bush, US President

 

"I have opinions of my own -strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them."

--George Bush, US President

 

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."

--Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst

 

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

 

Please provide the date of your death."

--from an IRS letter

 

I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."

--Richard Nixon, US President

 

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."

--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

 

"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."

--Parish Magazine

 

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season.

One word and one word only: Super Bowl."

--Bill Peterson, football coach

 

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."

--Dan Quayle, US VP

 

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."

--Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

 

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."

--Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

 

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

 

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."

-- Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

 

I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents."

--George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

 

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Dan Quayle

 

 

Subject: Mayor Marion Barry's Notable Quotables

 

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."

- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

 

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

 

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very, very low crime rate."

- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

 

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."

- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

 

"Bitch set me up."

- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

 

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."

- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

 

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."

- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

 

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"

- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

 

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."

- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

 

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

 

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."

- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

 

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"

- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

 

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"

- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

 

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

 

 

POLITICAL BLOOPERS

 

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."

--President Gerald Ford

 

"My fellow astronauts..." --Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.

 

"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." --Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.

 

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." --Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President

 

"I stand by all the misstatements." --Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes

 

"Gerald Ford was a Communist" --Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.

 

"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

 

"We found the term 'killing' too broad." --State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5

 

"This is a great day for France!" --President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

 

"This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."

--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood

 

"It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host."

-- James Baker, televangelist.

 

"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."

-- Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.

 

"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."

--U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.

 

"What he does on his own time is up to him." --Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.

 

"Facts are stupid things." --Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

 

 

Oreo Personality Test

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, MN**

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo

cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method

best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

 

1. The whole thing all at once.

2. One bite at a time

3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.

4. In little feverous nibbles.

5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).

6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.

10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.

 

Your Personality:

 

1. The whole thing

This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting,

carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No

one should trust you with their children.

 

2. One bite at a time.

You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos

this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay,

not to worry, you're normal.

 

3. Slow and Methodical.

You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous

in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive

and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to

go the speed limit.

 

4. Feverous Nibbles.

Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have

a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns

and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

 

5. Dunked.

Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat

unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You

are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity

towards narcotic addiction.

 

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.

You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart

to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together,

so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your

involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit

deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

 

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.

You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want

and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings

for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't

care, you got yours.

 

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.

You enjoy pain.

 

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them

Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help immediately.

 

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.

You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to

up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy,

own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You

are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.

 

 

How Standards are set:

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? Roman war chariots first made the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels and wagons. Since the chariots were made for, or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder which horse's rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war-horses.

And now, the twist to the story...

There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. Thiokol makes the SRBs at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses behinds.

So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a Horse's [rear]!

 

 

Does Bill Gates have a sense of humor?

--------------------------------------

1:) Open a New Microsoft Word Document.

2:) Type the Phrase 'I'd Like Bill Clinton to resign'

3:) Hilite it as if you were going to run it through spell check.

4:) Go to TOOLS - LANGUAGE - THESAURUS..(or TOOLS-THESAURUS directly.)

5:) Look at the Suggested phrase.

 

Top 50 Oxymoron's

50. Act naturally

49. Found missing

48. Resident alien

47. Advanced BASIC

46. Genuine imitation

45. Airline Food

44. Good grief

43. Same difference

42. Almost exactly

41. Government organization

40. Sanitary landfill

39. Alone together

38. Legally drunk

37. Silent scream

36. British fashion

35. Living dead

34. Small crowd

33. Business ethics

32. Soft rock

31. Butt Head

30. Military Intelligence

29. Software documentation

28. New York culture

27. New classic

26. Sweet sorrow

25. Childproof

24. "Now, then ..."

23. Synthetic natural gas

22. Christian Scientists

21. Passive aggression

20. Taped live

19. Clearly misunderstood

18. Peace force

17. Extinct Life

16. Temporary tax increase

15. Computer jock

14. Plastic glasses

13. Terribly pleased

12. Computer security

11. Political science

10. Tight slacks

9. Definite maybe

8. Pretty ugly

7. Twelve-ounce pound cake

6. Diet ice cream

5. Rap music

4. Working vacation

3. Exact estimate

2. Religious tolerance

1. Microsoft Works

 

The above were passed on to me and found the following missing: (Perhaps you can add a few)

a. Postal service

b. Secret service

c. Jumbo shrimp

And then there are always local favorites like Country Music and Southern Culture!

 

In The News - Humorous News Quips - Edited Excerpts

After the Super Bowl, TV coverage showed thousands of people being tear gassed for refusing to disperse. Fox titled it "That 60's show."

You know what we have to look forward to after partying like it's 1999? Crashing like it's the year 2000.

As part of his new ad campaign, Bob Dole gives Viagra 3 thumbs up!

Who would have guessed 2 1/2 years ago that Clinton would be denying he had sex, and Bob Dole would be out there bragging? (Leno)

Surveys show President Clinton's post impeachment rating topped 70%, which is pretty amazing when you consider his approval rating in his own family is only 50%. (Leno)

I wonder if Linda Tripp taped the Lewinsky testimony...

Georgia's Supreme Court has overturned the state's anti-sodomy law. In related news, Atlanta has been added to Monica Lewinsky's upcoming book tour.

Janet Reno decided not to appoint an independent counsel to investigate Al Gore for alleged indiscretions in his campaign fund raising. Without an independent counsel to boost Gore's approval rating, Republicans now have a shot at taking the White House in 2000.

The wife of Minnesota Gov Jesse Ventura said she worried about her role as the state's first lady. She added, "But let there be no mistake, my husband wears the purple tights in this family."

The Washington Speakers Bureau has announced that it has signed former House Speaker Newt Gingrich as a client on the lecture circuit. His fee will be $50,000. His subject is free speech.

Apparently, Linda Tripp told Monica Lewinsky in those taped conversations that she hasn't had sex with anyone in seven years. Isn't that amazing? That means at some point in 1991, some guy got drunker that any man in history. (Leno)

Yo-yo's have gained popularity this year - how else would you explain Gov. Jesse Venture, Rep. Mary Bono and the Donny and Marie talk show?

There is a new proposal in Los Angeles to fine people who don't show up for jusr duty. They'd fine you up to $1,500. This is probably the only city in the world where they're harder on the jurors than they are on the criminals. (Leno)

In Long Island, Amy Fisher has demanded a new trial. Boy, Mary Jo Buttafuoco needs this like a hole in the head.

Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flint has opened a sex boutique on Sunset Boulevard. It carries lingerie and features a full coffee bar.

Sort of gives new meaning to the term "bottomless cup of coffee..." (Leno)

A New York woman is suing Starbucks because she says she received third degree burns from its coffee. She's asking for $1 million, or as the coffee house calls it, three double lattes.

Another woman is suing McDonald's claiming that she found a condom in her chicken sandwich. A spokesman for McDonald's said, "That's just our new sandwich, McRibbed." (O'Brien)

The Banana Republic chain is going to open stores catering to plus sized people. They going to call it Banana Split Republic. (Leno)

The recently announced merger between Exxon and Mobil could create the world's second largest gas company. Number one would be Taco Bell.

After reading comments published in a magazine, rap singer Puff Daddy's producer "D-Dot" was arrested for beating up the magazines editor. D-Dot pleaded innocent, saying, "Hey, c'mon, we weren't beating him up. We were just remixing his face." (O'Brien)

Sinead O'Connor and U2 have combined their talents to raise money for a charity album benefiting the victims of Northern Ireland's worst bombing, which would be the last albums by Sinead O'Connor and U2. (O'Brien)

Due to the popularity of the movie "You've Got Mail", Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey Jr. will star in a sequel, "You've Made Bail."

Ex-Mousketeer Darlene Gillespie was recently found guilty of committing mail fraud and perjury. M I C, See ya in seven to 10...

According to the tabloids, Martha Stewart has gotten breast implants.

Well, that's great! Think of all the time she'll save not having to iron the old ones!

In Maine, a man lost in a snowstorm was rescued when a helicopter's heat sensor was able to zero in on his lit cigarette lighter. Tobacco companies were quick to point out that smoking saved the man's life.

According to a new survey, 35% of people sleep on their right side, 26% of people sleep on their left side. The remainder don't know, because, well... they are sleeping at the time.

A department store in Minnesota is trying to catch a woman who has stolen more then $1,000 worth of size 44-D bras. Police are looking for the woman, as is every other guy in town. (O'Brien)

The American Physical Society is honoring a first year college student in California who has calculated that the mass of the Milky Way isn't as great as originally believed. Apparently, earlier measurements overestimated the amount of creamy nougat inside.

7-Eleven stores announced they will begin carrying a selection of 39 wines. Now, remember guys - red wine with beef jerky, white wine with fish crackers.

A new study reports that vitamin E can help cure memory loss. Or was it vitamin D?

Just 4 Laughs!

 

Speaker Phone Problems

Have you ever worked in an office where someone insist upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while.

I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?"

It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone, I can assure you.

Just 4 Laughs!

 

 

Interesting, Very Interesting

Interestingly, when you fold a CD-R, it doesn't crack and shatter like a normal CD. You can, in fact, bend it all the way over until it's flat, and it will simply fold. When you bend it back, it will crack along the middle, but still not shatter in any way, and the colored foil topping layer will peel away and come off in one piece.

Further research performed while writing this indicates that this behaviour only applies if you fold it label-side in. Folding away from the label causes the whole disc to sharply explode along the fold after the stress point is reached, cracking into many shards (but two roughly half-disc-shaped pieces), with a loud bang and lots of confetti-like foil spray, which is now in my hair. Excuse me.

 

 

More for the Darwin Awards:

Seven-foot basketball player Reggie Harding, a former Detroit Piston, frequented a liquor store in his neighborhood. One day, he decided to rob it and put on a stocking mask. "What are you doing, Reggie?" asked the store manager, to which Reggie replied, "It ain't me, man."

Asked what time it was, Yogi Berra was heard to reply, "You mean Now?" Might as well be direct, one supposes

 

Math Trick

Finally--a math trick for people who will follow directions!

Try this... it works!!

Don't cheat by scrolling down or it *won't* work!

 

STEP ONE:

Pick a number between 1 and 100.

Multiply it by 5.

Add your age minus the number in family.

Divide the number by 10 rounding to the nearest decimal.

Write down the number on one side of a piece of paper.

 

STEP TWO:

Pick another different number between 1 and 100.

Multiply by 1998.

Add the number in your family and subtract your age.

Divide the number by 10 rounding to the nearest decimal.

Write down the number on the other side of the piece of paper.

 

STEP THREE:

Take the first 2 digits of your home phone number and add them to the

last 2 digits of your work number and multiply by 365.

Write the number on a new sheet of paper.

 

STEP FOUR

Fold the first page in half.

Now fold the second page.

Place them side by side.

Now pick up the two sheets - sheet one in your left hand and sheet

two in your right hand.

 

NOW....

 

 

Find a bin/drawer and place the sheets in it....

 

Scroll down...

 

 

 

 

Now using both your hands...

 

Scroll down...

 

 

 

 

 

 

slap yourself around the head while repeating:

 

"I'm a stupid person who wastes too much time on junk like this."

 

THE MORAL OF THE STORY...

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along, they passed some people who thought it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The man and boy decided maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought it was a real shame for the old man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right, so they both rode on the donkey.

They soon passed other people who thought it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right, so they carried the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal, and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story...

If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

 

True Advertisements

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For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last

Stock up and save. Limit: one

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

See ladies blouses. 50% Off!

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

Ladies, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.

Semiannual After-Christmas Sale

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

 

Illiterate? Write for free information.

 

 

The Latest Weather Forecast

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bob Laurie, Juneau, Alaska, with the following note: "Here is the latest weather forecast, I found it posted on the wall by the coffee pot."**

Rain -- violent torrents of it, rain like fetid water from a God-sized pot of pasta strained through a sky-wide colander, rain as Noah knew it, flaying the shuddering trees, whipping the whitecap waters, violating the sodden firmament, purging purity and filth alike from the land, rain without mercy, without surcease, incontinent rain, turning to intermittent showers overnight with partial clearing Tuesday.

 

 

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

***********************************

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want. "

 

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 

 

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

***********************************

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

 

Comprehending Engineers - Take Three

************************************

What's the difference between Engineers and Architects?

Engineers build weapons, Architects build targets.

 

Comprehending Engineers - Take Four

************************************

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

Comprehending Engineers - Take Five

************************************

"An Engineer and His Frog"

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

NAME GAME

According to well informed insiders, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of amelioration. It's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank's growth has been stunted and now it plans to trim back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Even Miso Bank is in hot soup, and an audit of the Tofu Bank is turning up questions about it's REAL assets.

The only ray of light in all this is the arrival of a new bank rising out of the ashes of the others. Its name - Hiroshima Savings, and their slogan - "we've survived worse than this!" Its merger with the Teppanyaki Bank is still hot and on the table.

Just 4 Laughs!

 

 

Here's a little part of US history which makes you go h-m-m-m

 

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

 

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

 

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

 

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

 

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

 

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

 

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

 

Both successors were named Johnson.

 

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

 

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

 

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

 

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy'.

Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln'.

 

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

 

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

 

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy!!!

 

 

 

True -

Pro Golfer Jesper Parnevik after finishing 5th at the Standard Life Loch Lomond tournament:

"If you put a rope around the earth and measured it at 36,000 miles and then put another rope three feet above the surface, how much longer is that rope? I missed a twofoot putt thinking about it and suddenly had a four-footer for bogey."

 

Got the Time?

A man drove all night long. Upon arriving in a small community, he decided to stop in the local park right next to the bike path and catch some shuteye. Small communities being friendly places, he did not know what he was in for...

Just as he dozed off, there was a knock on the window. Outside the car, the man saw a biker standing there, "Excuse me sir but can you give me the time?"

"Yeah, it's 6:27."

The man settled back and was almost asleep when there was another knock on the window. Another biker.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, sir. Do you have the time?"

"Yeah. It's 6:34."

The man rolled up the window and realized this could go on indefinitely. So he took paper and pen and made a sign which simply read

"I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME"

He stuck the sign in the window and again nestled himself back in the seat.

Then... yet another tap on the window. The man looked and sure enough, another biker.

He disgustedly rolled down the window and said, "Yeah, what is it?"

The jogger replied, "It's 6:42."

Received from Jim Hays

 

IDIOT SIGHTINGS

Sighting #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sighting #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.

She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sighting #3:

At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often."

Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sighting #4:

I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sighting #5 (a rare "double sighting"):

A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sighting #6 (from Tech Support):

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"

Individual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):

Individual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?

Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."

Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.

Individual: How do you spell that?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sighting #8: Auto Mechanic

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"

"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

from Jorge del Castillo - jdel@nwu.edu

MORE DARN PUNS

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota, and Jimmy Rubin, Tempe, Arizona**

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of the finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Lief off my census."

 

Useful Metric Conversions for the mathematically challenged

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bret Whissel, Tallahassee, FL**

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2 wharves = 1 paradox

USEFUL WORK PHRASES

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Caroline McGowan, Minneapolis, MN

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Politicians

A politician from Mississippi visited his counterpart in Indiana. When the Senator invited him home for dinner, the Mississippi Senator was most impressed by the lavish mansion, extensive manicured grounds and the costly furnishings. He asked:

"How can you afford all this on our meagre senator's salary?"

The Senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window.

"Can you see the river?"

"Yes"

"Can you see the bridge over it?"

"Of course," said the other.

"10 percent," said the Indiana Senator smugly.

One year later, the Indiana Senator had occasion to pay a return visit. The Senator from Mississippi, picking him up in a private jet and then lavishing all this hospitality on him. When he came to the house,the Senator was stunned by the huge mansion and grounds, with Greek statuary, fountains and precious artwork, with a luxurious yacht tied to this new concrete wharf.

"How can you possibly afford this?," the Indiana Senator asked.

The Mississippian called him to the window.

"See the Misissippi River over there?"

"Sure," said the Senator.

"Can you see the suspension bridge over it?"

At this point, the Indiana Senator looked confused and looked again closely and said - "No, I don't see any suspension bridge."

"100 percent", said the Senator from Mississippi.

Just 4 Laughs!

 

The Secret of Success

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bob Laurie, Juneau, Alaska**

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president.

"Two words."

"And, sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And sir, what is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words."

"And, sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."

 

On Memory

Three old guys are sitting around in the park, discussing whose memory goes back the farthest. Says Larry, "I remember being taken to the church, all dressed up in this scratchy white stuff, and having people standing around and someone splashing water on me."

"Aww, that's nothing," says Irv. "I can remember this nice, dark room, and then being squeezed something terrible, and coming out into this big bright room and being spanked -- it was awful."

"Ha! I got you two beat by a mile," says Fred. "I remember going to a picnic with my father and coming back with my mother!"

 

What is the difference between an introverted accountant and an extraverted accountant? (scientist, programmer, etc.)

The introverted accountant looks at his shoes

The extroverted accountant looks at your shoes

Irritation, aggravation & frustration.....

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"

"No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.

"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.

"No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.

"That's aggravation."

"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:

"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"

 

 

Good one on Cars - How Much Will It Take?

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.

"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the (Volvo), Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

 

HOW APPLICANTS SPEAK

(and what they mean)

"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:"

I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of coffee breaks.

 

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"

I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

 

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"

I've used Microsoft Office.

 

"I'M HONEST, HARDWORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"

I pilfer office supplies.

 

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"

I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

 

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"

I blame others for my mistakes.

 

"I'M PERSONABLE:"

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

 

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:"

As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better.

 

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"

I carry a Franklin Planner.

 

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:"

You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

 

"I AM ADAPTABLE:"

I've changed jobs a lot.

 

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"

The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

 

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:"

I'm a college dropout.

 

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:"

Wait! Don't throw me away!

 

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"

Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Just 4 Laughs!

 

** SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE TOO CANADIAN **

* You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.

* You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."

* You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower.

* You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme. * You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea.

* You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold". (we also remember alanis when she was on 'you can't do that on television'!!)

* You spend hours in the dark making scale models of the Avro Arrow and cursing the Diefenbaker government.

* You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "Burnt Toast!", "You know I canna read a word...", and "Kanata". ('but sir, i think he means the village, the people...' haha)

* You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.

* You participate in Participaction!

* You keep fit and have fun until the next time Joanne and Hal are on.

* You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.

* You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.

* You think Brad Pitt is so-so.

* Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on. (no comment!)

* You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

* You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.

* You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do"

* You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.

* You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early. * You think -10 C is mild weather. (isn't it?)

* You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.

* You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky.


Are You Hiring?

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store.

"Are you hiring any help?" she asked.

"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."

"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.


Famous Last Words

I'll get a world record for this.

Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

Hey there's no handles inside these car doors!

Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

Let's ask that group of basketball players for directions.

Here's my Kent state student ID.

It's fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

What does this button do?

I'm making a citizen's arrest.

Can we get a vision plan?

So, you're a cannibal.

It's probably just a rash.

Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?

Are you sure the power is off?

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

No, my shoes aren't untied.

The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!

What duck?

What do you mean, "I'll be back"?

Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?

Pull the pin and count to what?

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

What's that priest doing here?

You look just like Charles Manson.

Let it down slowly.

Rat poison only kills rats.

I hope they speak English.

OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.

It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.

I'll get your toast out.

Give me liberty or give me death.

Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.

It's strong enough for both of us.

That birthmark on your head looks like 999.

This doesn't taste right.

I can make this light before it changes.

Nice doggie.

I can do that with my eyes closed.

I've done this before.

Well we've made it this far.

That's odd.

Hey that's not a violin.

I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you.

OK this is the last time.

Don't be so superstitious.

Now watch this.

This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.



The Melting Touch

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Merrie Kippur, Denver, Colorado

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. Everything the girl touched, would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic, etc. because of this,men were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her.

One day a wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that would not melt in her hands, her symptom will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that can bring her daughter an object that would not melt, gets to marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest and will not melt. But at last, once the princess touched it, it melted!

The second prince brought a very hard alloy but the same thing happened.....so he too went away.

The third prince told the princess, Put your hand in my pocket and feel it. The princess did as told, though turning red. Tada! It didn't melt & they married and lived happily ever after.

Question: What was the object?

M&Ms Chocolate, melts in your mouth and not in your hand!

What -- you think I would put a dirty joke in this list???

 

Lingo Bingo

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here is a way to change all of that!

How to play: Check off each block when you hear these words during a meeting, seminar, or phone call. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout BINGO!!

 

Synergy Strategic Fit Gap Analysis Best Practice Bottom Line

 

Revisit Bandwidth Hardball Out of the Loop Benchmark

 

Value-Added Proactive Win-WinT hink Outside the Box Fast Track

 

Result-Driven Empower [or] Empowerment Knowledge Base Total Quality [or] Quality Driven Touch Base

 

Mindset Client Focus[ed] Ball Park Game Plan Leverage

 

Testimonials from satisfied players:

"I had only been in the meeting for five minutes when I won." - Jack W. Boston

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." - David D. Florida

"What a gas. Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win." Bill R - New York City

"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the 5th box." - Ben G. - Denver

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'Bingo' for the third time in 2 hours." - Kathleen L. - Atlanta

 

Travails of Getting Older

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bob Laurie, Juneau, Alaska**

Three elderly ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing ofthe stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then added, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

 

 

Truths Can Be Humorous

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

Richard Lewis

 

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.

David Steinberg

 

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

 

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish woman.

Jules Farber

 

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be gentile even if you are Jewish.

Lenny Bruce

 

God, I know we are your chosen people, but next time couldn't you choose somebody else for a change ?

Shalom Aleichem

 

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

Calvin Trillin

 

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the only place in the Middle East that has no oil!

Golda Meir

 

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.

Peter Malkin

 

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

Fran Lebowitz

 

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.

Benjamin Disreali

 

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

Sam Levenson

 

Don't be humble; ...you are not that great.

Golda Meir

 

God will pardon me. It's His business.

Heinrich Heine

 

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

Joe E. Lewis

 

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.

Sam Goldwyn

 

A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Sam Goldwyn

 

Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.

Arthur Miller

 

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

Jackie Mason

 

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Woody Allen

 

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?

Groucho Marx

 

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy

Groucho Marx

 

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.

Oscar Levant

 

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.

George Burns

 

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

Mort Sahl

 

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Milton Berle

 

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.

Sam Goldwyn

 

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Ernie Kovacs

 

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.

Henry Kissinger

 

Saturday is my traditional day of rest, but if I am forced to rest on Sundays too, I won't complain.

If you could choose.... Look Irish... Dress British... Think Yiddish.

Life is not fair. Jesus never had the opportunity to become a Christian.

Originally the Jewish people were divided into 12 tribes. In fairness, they too should be able to establish tax free gambling casinos in their neighborhoods.

Just 4 Laughs!

 

More Stuff I've Learned!

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lyn Deadmore Taylor, Atlanta, GA**

I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned- that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes, and most of those I consider friends.

I've learned- that it takes years to build up trust and a minute of suspicion to destroy it.

I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned- that it's takes me a long time to sleep with the person I want.

I've learned- you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.

I've learned- that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.

I've learned- that money is a great substitute for character.

I've learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do so.

I've learned- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed.

I've learned- that your family won't always be there for you. Unless, of course, you win the lottery.

I've learned- that no matter how good a guy is, he'll eventually revert.

I've learned- that no matter how badly your heart is broken, therapy is still expensive.

I've learned- that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned- that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.

I've learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned- that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned- To say "Screw them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.


 

Are you a prostitute or a consultant?

1. You work very odd hours.

2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.

6. You are not proud of what you do.

7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

8. It's difficult to have a family.

9. You have no job satisfaction.

10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

12. People ask you, "What do you do in your job?" and you can't explain.

13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and they what they get for the money.

15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.

16. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.

17. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.

18. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell.

19. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.

20. Even though you get paid well, it's the client who walks away smiling.

21. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

22. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Oscar Espinosa, Reynosa, Mexico**

 

YOU KNOW YOU'RE OUT OF COLLEGE WHEN:

Your salary is less than your tuition.

Your potted plants stay alive.

Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

You have to pay your own credit card bill.

You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.

8:00 a.m. is not early.

You have to file for your own taxes.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

You're not carded anymore.

You carry an umbrella.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

You start watching the weather channel.

Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.

You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.

You go to parties that the police don't raid.

Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.

You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down.

You refer to college students as kids.

You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.

You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

THEN: discussing with your friends: GPA's, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey

NOW: discussing with your friends: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans. Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one. You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News. You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2- hour Calculus exams.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down the same as I used to'. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games. You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's not full of '21-year-old kids.'

Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.

from Just 4 Laughs!

 

Factoid On Leadership -

In the April 8, 1996 issue of Forbes Magazine in an article entitled,

"Leadership Can Be Learned?", a Penn State Report estimated that

organizations in the US spent over $15 billion in 1995 on leadership

training (defined as training executives or the hierarchy) (Rifkin, 1996).

 

Fifteen billion dollars divided by 52 weeks, comes to $288,461,539 spent

on leadership training per week. This weekly expense equals 14.5 tons of

twenty dollar bills. (One million dollars in twenty dollar bills weighs 101 pounds).

If we spend 14.5 tons of twenty dollar bills* on leadership training every

week in the US, what is our return on investment? If we are spending

freight cars full of money every week on leadership training, where are

all the leaders? Where is the leadership? (And where is all that money!)


* Please note that this is only 2.9 tons of $100 bills! Much more easily hidden in a cargo van.

Contributed to the Learning Organization List Serve by Dr. John P. Dentico

 

Some one liners and Ironic Questions & Comments

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.

Why does the term jerk apply only to men?

The reason I turned down an extramarital affair is because my wife found the key to my gun cabinet.

My wife tends to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, things are rarely well enough.

Why do they rate a movie "R" for "adult language?" The only people I hear using that language are teenagers.

Homeless man's sign at corner of 14th Street: "Why lie? I need a beer."

The difference between insane asylums and our schools is that in the insane asylum you have to show some improvement before you can get out.

To err is human, to moo, bovine.

I've got you beat. I saw a woman driver changing her clothes on an exit ramp.

What comes first, new schools or portable classrooms?

I'm a New Yorker, and the first time someone asked me if I was a Yankee, I misunderstood and said, "No, I like the Mets."

To the person complaining about dialing 10 digits to reach a next- door neighbor: Try walking! And we wonder why half of the adults in America are overweight!

Free one dollar bills! Please send $4.95 to cover postage & handling. (Limit $1 per order).

from Just 4 Laughs!

 

Talk it Out ...

Solve the puzzles by saying them out loud, over and over, faster and faster, repeating the phrase, until you "hear" the answer.

Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place) Answer: "Los Angeles"

1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (person)

2. SAND TACKLE LAWS (fictional character)

3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (person)

4. MOW BEAD HICK (book)

5. TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (person)

6. CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (product)

7. THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (thing)

8. AISLE OH VIEW (phrase)

9. TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (TV show)

10. CARESS TROUGHER CLUMP US (person)

11. DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (person)

12. THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (place)

13. AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (fictional character)

14. THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (movie)

15. BUCK SPUN HE (fictional character)

 

 

Okay, the answers are below.

ANSWERS:

1. Jacques Cousteau

2. Santa Claus

3. Michael Jordan

4. Moby Dick

5. Thomas Jefferson

6. Chiquita Banana

7. The Titanic

8. I love you

9. The Brady Bunch

10. Christopher Columbus

11. Doctor Seuss

12. The Milky Way Galaxy

13. Agent 007

14. The Sound of Music

15. Bugs Bunny


 

On rapport and meeting people:

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! "

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"Okay, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's go to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not completely convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" The boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on guy in white on the balcony with Bubba?"

 

Knowing But Not Showing

A young child, thought to be a bie slow, is with an older boy who is playing this game with him:

The older boy holds a dime in one hand and a nickle in the other, and asks the slower child to take his pick. It is a game that they often play in front of other people and the child always takes the larger coin, the nickle.

A supportive adult took the slower child aside and told him that even though the dime was smaller it was more valuable.

"I know!" said the child.

"Then why dont you take it?" asked the adult.

"Because then he will stop playing the game," replied the child.

Who is the smarter of the two children?

from John Sleigh


On Safety and Communications

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's our name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."

Received from Sabine Meadows.

 

British High School Exam and Creative Answers

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lyn Deadmore Taylor, Atlanta, Georgia**

This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers. (GCSE is the British High School passing exam for 16 year olds.)

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sahara is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the Java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West. 30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. 31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.


 

"Good Luck Mr. Gorsky"

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon,

he not only said "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"

statement but followed it by several remarks; the usual commentary

traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just

before he re-entered Apollo, however, he made the enigmatic remark

"Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

 

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some

rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in

either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many

people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky"

statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

 

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following

a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so

Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

 

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the

backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his

neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As

he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky

shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the

kid next door walks on the moon!"

 

Supposedly a True story

 


INCENTIVES AND RANCID CHIPS!

By Cynthia Nadalini -- invenia@guate.net

I would like to share this interesting story told by a guy in Mexico who sells antioxidants for the food industry in his country. This guy was phoned by a potato-chips manufacturer, because they had been having problems with rancidity, and they were having a lot of their product returned by their clients (retailers). I've no idea (but I can imagine) how much money and time they spent trying to figure out what was happening to their process (was the antioxidant that is added to the oil not working any more?).

The thing is, finally someone saw the light: the claims of the clients started after some sales record was attained! The first thing I thought when I heard the story was: "this guy's overstocked their clients and they couldn't sell all that product before it got old." But that was not it, or at least was not all of it.

As you have seen in potato chip bags, they're full of "air." Well, it is not actually air but nitrogen, because rancidity (oxidation) happens in presence of oxygen, so when nitrogen is injected to the bags, chips don't get rancid.

But salespeople wanted to sell more because of this incentive they were offered. And they managed, I don't know how, to sell a lot that month. But they had a restriction: there was not enough time to make it to all the retailers, going back and forth from the factory, or there was not enough room in the trucks in order to fill them with more product. So what they decided to do was to prick all the bags with a needle, so they could fit in the truck! And that's why the product was becoming rancid.

Two things I can get out of this story. The obvious one is about incentives: people do whatever they can do (even if it's in detriment of the system as a whole) to win, and incentives have their side-effect even if it is distant in space and time. And the other thing is, people from sales department are the ones that get the product from the factory to the client; they should be taught about their product, and about how important it is for them to do what they have to do in order to get the product to the client in perfect condition.

But I can hear management saying: "Nah! all they need to know is they're going to be paid for how much product they sell." Talking about management abdication!

 

Tips On Building A Resume

Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus.

THE NAME: Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith -- now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.

THE ADDRESS: Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!

THE PHONE NUMBER: Skip it. What are the odds they'll call -- 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.

THE AMBITION STATEMENT: Forget the ambition statement. You know what I mean:"Seeking a challenging IS position using state-of-the-art technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for the environment." A better idea is to tell them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low- paying, dead-end, back-office position."

EDUCATION: Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list under your education credits: "BA in Watersports Administration, Massatucky State, 1993... and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT."

EXPERIENCE: Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience. But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system... Everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience: high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies. Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food Giant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar- code inventory scanning system." "Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much Nintendo." But don't try "Evaluated remote-accessed continuous- availability multimedia environment." Most employers can pick that one off as watching too much MTV.

THE CLOSE: "References furnished upon request?" What kind of power- close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation: Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know where you live."

from Just 4 Laughs!


Some Quotes about Books

I always read the last page of a book first so that if I die before I finish it I'll know-how it turned out.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force ...

This must be a gift book. That is to say, a book which you wouldn't take on any other terms. -- Dorothy Parker

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. -- Fred Allen

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins: 'Have you read ...' -- Wilson Mizner

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. -- Steven Wright

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Use the dollar as a bookmark. -- Fred Stoller

I went to a bookstore and I asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was. She said, 'If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose.' -- Brian Kiley

I can read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whichever end I like best. -- Gracie Allen


Snail

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ajay Ambastha, Mumbai, India**

Two state employees had just gotten off work for the day when one of the state employees saw the other step on a snail.

"Why did you step on that snail, Bob?" asked his perplexed coworker.

"Because that darn snail has been following me around work all day!"

 

TOP 10 SIGNS OF "JOB BURN-OUT"

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Karen Isaak, Denver, Colorado, and Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota**

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Whaatt."

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Stop asking me all these stupid questions!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.

7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.

 

And the NUMBER ONE sign that you are burned out because of work.....

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

 


How?

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."


One - Liners

 

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

 

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

Dam!"

 

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

 

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

 

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.

 

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese.

 

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

 

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

Quattro sinko.

 

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

 

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

 

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree

it would kill you?

A pool table.

 

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

 

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

 

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

 

Where do you get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.

 

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

They all have phones.

 

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

They're trying to get away from the noise.

 

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers

 

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal

thermometer?

The taste.

 

What is a zebra?

26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

 

Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year.

 

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?

A dog that runs for help... after it tears your throat out.

 

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?

They're hiring.

 

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

Sanka.

 

 

ONE LINERS

 

*Incontinence Hotline... Can you hold, please?

 

*Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...

 

*If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.

 

*43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

 

*Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

 

*A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.

 

*It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.

 

*Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

 

* |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

 

*Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

 

*Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!

 

*Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.

 

*Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

 

*The buck doesn't even slow down here!

 

*Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

 

*Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

 

*The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

 

*Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

 

*Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

 

*Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

 

*Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.

 

*Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

 

*Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.

 

*We do precision guesswork.

 

*My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.

 

*'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.

 

*A penny saved is a government oversight.

 

*Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.

 

*Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

 

from Just 4 Laughs!

 

 

 

The Top 16 Little-Known Pop Music Facts

16. Approximately 5% of people who visit the Hard Rock Cafe go there for the food.

15. Bob Marley once confessed to shooting the deputy AND the sheriff, but, in a special government offer, only plead guilty to the lesser count of "jammin."

14. Mariah Carey is not only a pop diva; she has her own Amway distributorship.

13. Remarkably, the Grateful Dead NEVER did drugs, although Jerry Garcia did have a penchant for poppy seed bagels.

12. The Turtles? Happier *apart*, actually.

11. Contrary to popular belief, John Tesh's music DOES NOT suck -- Actually, what he performs cannot legally be classified as "music."

10. During performances, Tom Jones keeps Michael Jackson's original nose in his pants.

9. Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" was written in nineteen minutes after a particularly breathtaking tryst with then-British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.

8. Fiona Apple's real name? Fiona Pomegranate!

7. If all the Spice Girls CDs sold so far were laid end-to-end, it would be pretty easy to run them over with my car.

6. Old social cause of 60s rockers: arms control. New social cause of 60s rockers: bladder control.

5. Rejected Spice Girl "Grotesque Spice" none other than Marilyn Manson.

4. During the wedding ceremony of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie, Elvis spun in his grave at a perfect 45 RPM.

3. The Spice Girls? All transvestites, and Julliard grads, to boot!

2. Early in their respective careers, Michael Jackson won the title, "King of Pop," from Bobby Goldsboro in a poker game.

1. Village Person "The Senator?" None other than Jesse Helms.

Just 4 Laughs!

 


Questions

1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?

2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sidney dead on the floor. Who is Slidney? How did Sidney die?

7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?

8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass,and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?

12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

************************************************

Answers:

1. The word "incorrectly."

2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.

4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.

6. Sidney is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him. {Poor Sidney.}

7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)

8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...

9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.

10. An umbrella.

11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

12. The temperature.

 

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS

1. What occurs more often in December than any other month?

-- Conception.

 

2. Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it?

-- Skinny dipping.

 

3. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?

-- No theme song/music.

 

4. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

-- Their birthplace. This is propinquity.

 

5. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

-- Obsession

 

6. More women do this in the bathroom than men.

-- Wash their hands. Women ~ 80% Men ~ 55%

 

7. What do 100% of all lottery winners do?

-- Gain weight.

 

8. In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.

-- Banana

 

9. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

-- One thousand

 

10. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?

-- All invented by women.

 

11. Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.

-- Change their underwear.

 

12. This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.

-- A kiss

 

13. This is the only food that doesn't spoil.

-- Honey

 

14. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year.

-- Father's Day

 

15. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic?

-- He was allergic to carrots.

 

16. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?

-- Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

 

17. 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.

-- Wear underwear.

 

18. What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% dioxide?

-- The result of passing "wind," shall we say...

 

19. About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting?

-- Flush the toilet.

 

20. What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"?

-- Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.

 

21. 85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.

-- Cheating on their wives.



How to write a term paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.

8. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade... You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it , I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

11. Listen to the other side.

12. Check your e-mail again.

13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.

15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked.

18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: +Pro Bowler's Tour +any movie starring Don Ameche +Star Trek

19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

22. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.

27. Check your e-mail. Change your password.

28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

29. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

30. Leap up and write the paper.

31. Type the paper.

Received from Best of: Humor Mailing List.

 

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom:

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?"

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.


Fly the Friendly Skies

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore " F---- you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

from Herbert Lee



Airplane Disaster

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park, MN**

Norway's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two seater Cessna 140 crashed into a cemetery 25 miles northwest of Oslo. Norwegian search and rescue workers have recovered 278 bodies so far, and expect that number to rise as digging continues into the night.

Your reporter, Ole Swenson, of the Minnesota Times.

 

 

Athletes Speak

Basketball player Chris Washburn, commenting on his ability to drive to the basket, "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious."

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Senior basketball player at the University of Michigan

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

1992 - Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

1982 - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

1981 - Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."

1966 - Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"

1981 - Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."

1991 - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

1991 - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights, as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."

1996 - Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."

1991 - Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that means we're not going to any more bowl games."

1986 - LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."

1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, of his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

 

Government Worker

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ajay Ambastha, Mumbai, India**

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he stateshis second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF! He's back in his office.

 

 

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