More Clean Training Jokes and Thoughts

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Contact Scott Simmerman at Scott@squarewheels.com


What is the meaning of this?

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

from Just 4 Laughs!

 

POINT WELL TAKEN

As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?" he said.

from Just 4 Laughs!

 

The Stock Show

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, MN**

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."

 

Headline Humor

- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

- Deer Kill 17,000

- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

- Air Head Fired

- Steals Clock, Faces Time

- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under Sheriff

- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

from Just 4 Laughs!

 

Beer Thought for the Day

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Tom Berglind, Fargo, North Dakota, a confirmed beer drinker**

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

 

Thank Goodness Your Name Is Not Kevin

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Oscar Espinosa, Reynosa, Mexico**

According to studies, your sexual identity is revealed by the first letter of your first name..

A.) You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and cant be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up-front person. When it comes to sex, its action that counts, not obscure hints. Your mates physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the hunt, invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.

B.) You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments, and particular when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.

C.) You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

D.) You are secretive, selfcontained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You dont fool around.You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.

E.) Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while, it seems to stir things. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you. But once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)

F.) You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes area favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

G.) You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided its all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that youre being appreciated.

H.) You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and your earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits, and equally cautious in your sexual involvements. You are a sensual and patient lover.

I.) You have a great need to be loved, appreciated ... even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy & exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily and thusrequire sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.

J.) You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.

K.) You are crap in bed.

L.) Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvements. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open attitude.

M.) You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You enjoy mothering your mate.

N.) You may appear innocent, unassuming, and shy; but we know that appearances can lie. When it comes to sex, you are no novice but something of a skilled technician. You can easily go to extremes, though, running the gamut from insatiability to boredom with the whole idea of sex. You can be highly critical of your mate, seeking perfection in both of you. It is not easy to find someone who can meet your standards. You have difficulty expressing emotions and drawing close to lovers.

O.) You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can rechannel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

P.) You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldnt think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count. Therefore, you require a goodlooking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy...a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hangups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

Q.)You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

R.) You are a nononsense, actionoriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal--the smarter, the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not show this outwardly. If your new lover is not all that great in bed, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

S.) You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles.You see yourself as your lovers savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You don't tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.

T.) You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. You get turned on by music, soft lights, and romantic thoughts. You fantasize and tend to fall in and out of love. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely changeable. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, & teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, all in your own head.

U.) You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant gratification. You are willing to put your partners pleasures above your own.

V.) You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.

W.) You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.

X.) You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You cant shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.

Y.) You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesnt always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling, and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.

Z.) For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.

Tobacco Money

Q: Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?

A: Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.

 

Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?

A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the group most directly affected.

 

Q: Lawyers?

A: Yes.

 

Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities of money?

A: Of course.

 

Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?

A: By selling more tobacco products.

 

Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?

A: That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics of the whole thing. The government would probably have to set up an emergency task force to figure out ways to get people smoking again in order to finance the historic tobacco settlement.

 

Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?

A: Because people would smoke them anyway.

 

Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?

A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely selling a deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of something far far worse.

 

Q: Failure to make large political donations??

A: Yes.

 

Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic movies in which glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling and exhaling vast clouds of smoke and looking totally cool. What will be done to correct this under the historic tobacco settlement?

A: By mid 1999, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by special Food and Drug Administration computers so that - to cite one example - in Casablanca, when Humphrey Bogart makes his dramatic final speech to Ingrid Bergman, he will have the voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

 

Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?

A: The late Lucille Ball's.

 

Q: What will happen to all the tobacco institute scientists, who, despite decades of dedicated research, were never able to find a single shred of evidence proving that cigarettes cause cancer?

A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to the Whitewater investigation.

 

Q: Speaking of administration scandals, if President Clinton actually winds up in court over this Paula Jones thing, what steps will be taken to prevent the trial from turning into a grotesque and demeaning pubic spectacle?

A: Mr. Clinton's face will be covered at all times by an electronically superimposed dark blob, underneath which will be an electronic label identifying him only as "A United States President."

 

Q: How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens whose spaceship crashed near Roswell, N.M. in 1947?

A: Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers.

 

Q: I guess that covers it! Thanks! Smoke?

A: No, thank you. I have my own.

from Just 4 Laughs!

 

Men and Women's shower routines

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Paul Jerrard, Egan, Minnesota**

How To Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you slept in because there was a distinct chill in the air at bedtime due to the temperature having dropped below 70 degrees.

2. Walk to the bathroom wearing a long robe and a towel on your head. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to bathroom.

3. Turn on the hot water only and let run.

4. Look at your womanly figure in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam, and adjust the water to a temperature slightly below its boiling point.

6. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

7. Wash your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

8. Rinse.

9. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

10. Rinse.

11. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

12. Rinse.

13. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

14. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

15. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

16. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

17. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off).

18. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and anyway, the hair helps keep you warm.

19. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.

20. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.

21. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.

22. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

23. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

24. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to bedroom.

 

How To Shower Like a Man:

1. If you wore clothes to bed last night, take them off while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along the way, flash her

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. ( no )

4. Turn on the water.

5. Check quickly for pecs again. ( no ).

6. Get in the shower.

7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. ( you don't use one ).

8. Wash your face.

9. Wash your armpits.

10. Wash your body.

11. Wash your butt.

12. Shampoo your hair. ( do not use conditioner )

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.

15. Close door

16. Pee

17. Rinse off and get out of the shower.

18. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel. If you pass your wife, flash her.

Marketing -

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies,

"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

Thanks to Giggle's Humor List <Giggles@mail.otherwhen.com>.


You might be in education if....

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a valium salt lick.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"

You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.

You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

You have no time for a life between August to June.

Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.

When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

You think people should be able to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the lounge.

You believe in aerial spraying of prozac.

You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary school setting for at least 5 years.

You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you uttered it.

You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.

You know you're in for a MAJOR project when a parent says, "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun!"

You smile weakly, but want to choke a person when they say, "Oh, you must have such fun everyday. It must be like playtime for you."

Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.

Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this child like this?"


On the value of good workers!

A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.

"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn. Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman. "Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure." "So the bear injured his leg then." says the salesman.

"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drown." "So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman. "Oh no," says the farmer. "So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."

 

Redneck English

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Walter Schumacher, Clinton, OK, with the following note: "I'm glad a friend sent this to prove us Southern folks aint ignert."**

We always tell our new employees, particularly the European students that there's the Kings English, which they learn in school. Then, there's American English, Southern English, then Redneck English. We show examples of the latter below:

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' did $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my socket ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. Conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen and Nitrogen. Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted fence cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't athanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."

SEED - verb, past tense of "to see". Usage: "Ah seed 'em"

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?"

GUMMINT - Noun. A federal bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummint boys shore are ignert."

 

If They Wrote Computer Error Messages in Haiku

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lindsey Johnson Suddarth, Mendon, VT

First snow, then silence.

This thousand dollar screen dies

so beautifully.

 

With searching comes loss

and the presence of absence:

"My Novel" not found.

 

The Tao that is seen

is not the true Tao, until

you bring fresh toner.

 

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

 

Three things are certain:

death, taxes, and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

 

A file that big?

It might be very useful,

but now it is gone.

 

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

 

Errors have occurred.

We won't tell you where or why.

Lazy programmers.

 

Seeing my great fault

through darkening blue windows,

I begin again

 

The code was willing.

It considered your request,

but the chips were weak.

 

Printer not ready.

Could be a fatal error.

Have a pen handy?

 

Server's poor response

not quick enough for browser.

Timed out, plum blossom.

 

Login incorrect.

Only perfect spellers may

enter this system.

 

This site has been moved.

We'd tell you where, but then we'd

have to delete you.

 

Wind catches lily

scatt'ring petals to the wind.

Segmentation fault.

 

ABORTED effort:

Close all that you have.

You ask way too much.

 

The Web site you seek

cannot be located but

endless others exist.

 

Stay the patient course.

Of little worth is your ire.

The network is down.

 

A crash reduces

your expensive computer

to a simple stone.

 

There is a chasm

of carbon and silicon

the software can't bridge.

 

Yesterday it worked.

Today it is not working.

Windows is like that.

 

To have no errors

would be life without meaning.

No struggle, no joy.

 

You step in the stream,

but the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

 

No keyboard present.

Hit F1 to continue.

Zen engineering?

 

Hal, open the file.

Hal, open the damn file, Hal,

open the, please Hal...

 

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

but we never will.

 

Having been erased,

the document you're seeking

must now be retyped.

 

The ten thousand things.

How long do any persist?

Netscape, too, has gone.

 

Rather than a beep

or a rude error message,

these words: "File not found."

 

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

 


ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET WINDOWS 95

Costello: Hey, Abbott!

Abbott: Yes, Lou?

 

Costello: I just got my first computer.

Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?

 

Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.

Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.

 

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!

Abbott: You will in time.

 

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.

Abbott: Oh?

 

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.

Abbott: Well, I don't know-

 

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.

Abbott: Really?

 

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.

Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

 

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.

Abbott: That's true.

 

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?

Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then -

 

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.

Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.

 

Abbott: I did.

Costello: When?

 

Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?

 

Abbott: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop.

 

Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.

 

Abbott: Start

Costello: Start what?

 

Abbott: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?

 

Abbott: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!

 

Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.

 

Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"

 

Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I'm willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.

 

Abbott: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.

 

Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversion.

 

Abbott: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

Posted by: Eva Rosenberg

 

A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from managers out there:

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.

Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

And the prize-winning quote:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

 

Off to the Ball

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased, since they would be out until quite late.

The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horrible bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.

The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.

So the wife went home alone and found the the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.

She slowly moved towards hime and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer.

She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress...".

"Now take off my bra.

"Next remove my shoes and stockings."

"Now remove my garter belt and panties"

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".

Expecting?

Four expectant fathers were in the hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Twin Star Enterprise!"

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"

"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation!"

When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask, "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"

Thanx to Dwgoss@aol.com.

 

The following is a true story taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering some "serious" burns in some strategic areas. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.

Thanks to Robert F. Laford

 

Faster Than a Nun

**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake Park, MN

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

 

 

 

True Tales of Induhviduals

Because you can't get enough of those whacky Induhviduals (the people who are not members of the DNRC), here are more True Tales as reported by DNRC (Dogberts New Ruling Class) operatives. (These tales of the cranially challenged are from the Dilbert Newsletter:)

---------

I was visiting Windsor castle, outside of London, on vacation. Windsor castle is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise. One particularly annoyed American tourist Induhvidual standing next to me whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport???"

---------

I pulled into the burger king drive-up window and placed my order. Remembering that I wanted to get some extra coins for the coffee machine at work, I handed the guy $6.00 for my $4.25 bill and said,

"Could I get some extra change?"

He looks at me, blankly. A full five seconds pass while he is trying to figure it out. "Oh yeah, ok." He says, "Quarters fine?" "Yeah, sure" I tell him. He then gives me my food and seven quarters...plus a dollar...and three more quarters.

I guess when the customer asks for extra change he gets it!

---------

I walked up to the counter at a chain fried chicken joint and asked the cashier-Induhvidual for a soda and a piece of chicken.

"Crispy or regular", she asked.

"I don't care. Either will be fine," I replied.

"Crispy or regular", she asked again, annoyed.

"...Ahh, Crispy then," I responded.

"We are out of crispy," she said.

---------

A couple of years ago, when I worked at a large company, our "sexual harassment training" included a company letter that stated "Don't treat a female engineer like a secretary." Needless to say, the secretaries were not amused.

---------

I was helping a friend (yes I admit it, I have an Induhvidual for a friend) set up her new computer. It was a desktop model, so I naturally placed it on top of her desk in the traditional setup. A few minutes after I had installed the software, she complained that she wished she had bought a tower PC instead of the desktop computer as it took up too much space on her desk. I promptly took the computer off the desk, flipped it on its side and placed it on the floor. She then looked at me in amazement and asked, "You can do that?"

(Editor's Note: An easy way to make some extra money is by offering to upgrade Induhvidual's desktop computers to tower configurations.)

---------

I had just started work in a laboratory. I frequently ran across news items that I would pass along to our supervisor. I would write across the top: "Tina, FYI."

After about two weeks, Tina walked in and said "Are you mad at me?" I said "no, why?"

She said, "Well, you keep sending me these rude notes. Everything I get from you says 'FYI.' I KNOW what the 'FY' stands for. What does the 'I' stand for? ENORMOUSLY?"

[Editor's Note: Evidently, the "I" stands for Induhvidual.]

---------

I walked down to the Pepsi machine. Soda is $.90 .. There were three Post- It Notes on the machine... one said "this machine owes me $.90" another "this machine owes me $.90" and last but not least "this machine owes me $1.80"......

---------

My friend is sitting in an introductory electromagnetism class, and the teacher is discussing the concept of the electric field, and how electric charges give rise to electric fields. So he sets up the problem by saying, "And so we take our magic wand and put a charge Q on this conductor, and a charge -Q on this conductor." He continues to explain the problem, until a couple of minutes later, one of the students blurts out "What magic wand!?"

--------

I was at the library making copies of articles for a research paper and discovered that the copy machine wasn't working (after having plugged several dimes into it). I told the girl at the library desk the copy machine was malfunctioning, to which she replied, "I know."

Exasperated, I asked why she hadn't put a sign on the machine indicating it was broken so people wouldn't waste their money. Her answer was, "We don't have a sign like that".

---------

I'm afraid that my future sister-in-law is an Induhvidual. Borrowing a line from Steven Wright, I asked her, "When you shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?" She said smugly, "No, they can still hear."

---------

A friend was asked to be interim director of our Institute while the director was away. The following day I noticed him looking at a form with an amused look on his face. He was required by policy to sign a form to authorize the transfer of signing authority. Under each category indicating the amounts or the things he could sign for (i.e. vacations, overtime, etc.) it said NONE in each case.

He had to sign a form which would give him the authority not to authorize anything.

---------

I brought my film to the "One Hour Developing" place and asked for the one hour service. "No problem," said the owner, You can pick it up in two hours ."

I protested, "The sign says one hour developing. "

"That's right," he said, "One hour developing takes about two hours."

[Editor's Note: Be sure to order the double-wide prints, which are the same size as the regular ones.]

 

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